So close

I don't talk too much about my studies but I have to get it out of my head.

I had my first round of tests, and this last test I thought I was doing well.. I guessed I was in the 80% range..... Then the score came up.... 68%. This just isn't good. I need to score higher, I'm frustrated because I know I could have done better, had I not been so suicidal. I wasted my time, and tried to hold on to life, that I'm not sure I want anymore. I have the potential to do great but I don't take every opportunity to do so. Then I get down on myself, and that doesn't help the situation. I have to find a way to get all three subjects in Every Single Day.

I just hope after the test closes, that I can review the exam and see what went wrong, and where to change my study habits.

I set a Goal of how many hours to study. 20 a week, but aiming for higher than that, and actually study.

What does this mean, it means, taking care of me faster, and cutting no essential things. And not being so hard on myself.

Why so many triggers

Today has been filled with triggers. I found some strength today. I was triggered in front of a group, and still had to preform for them to sing to, I found a bit of strength to push those thoughts out of my mind. It was nice but then a whole bunch came. Had a disagreement happen with my sister and the crying helped to release some of that tension.

Reaching for help

I've wondered why asking for help is so hard, and I finally found an explanation. Reaching out for help means letting other know that there is an issue, not only that but due to history. There are several times that I was reaching out for help, and then was suspended from school. Even though I was asking for help that time. Now reaching out means weakness, that I can't handle it by myself, like I was attempting to do. Now after a very trying day, I was close to letting family know, but at the same time, couldn't due to fear, shame, and other things. I was close today on several accounts to enacting an actual plan, it was in my head. And I went into protection mode, meaning no contact with anyone because if I had, then things could have gone badly. People ask me why I don't ask for help, and that's why.

Trying to get started this morning.

I woke up to the sound of my sister getting up. I have been attempting to get up earlier to beat her in, but still give her the time that she demands. She asked me about it on Sunday and that's when behaviorism took over, she started to get up at the same time as me again! I can't take this anymore, I want to be able to get up without her in the bathroom. It happens every morning then when I try to change, she matches me. I can't take it anymore. Its one of those other reasons that makes suicide so tempting. I'm trying to have classical music to distract me, it's not working due to anxiety being higher then it has been. What's a girl to do, if she has to CONFORM to her older sister. I don't want to conform anymore. I know people say suicide isn't the answer but, for me it would make things so much easier then trying to live with a CONTROL freak. I need my own place, this is suffocating. Contract is up in May, I must have enough money to move out, and a good job.

I don't want to conform to anyone, and if that person stops me, then I'm going to Kick them in the butt. I want my own life now, I wish that cloudy feeling would return, it made things easier.

You've made it so far

Another thing stuck out about the session today, that I can't get out of my head. "You've made it so far, Don't quite now" Then I think about Robin Williams. How he made it so far and gave up in the end. It's getting to me, and I can't get it out of my head. Then I keep seeing this part in a movie, and keep seeing me instead of the actor, desperate for death. I want to do well on my exam tomorrow and since I may not be able to sleep, at least I have something to do. Not sure how much more I can take tonight. I should call, I should talk to a multiple of people. Instead I am putting what I'm thinking online. Now I just need to study a bit more tonight. Since my mind is relaxing a bit.

You're Stronger than you think

Trigger warning** Suicidal Content

9 years of experience, of harboring suicidal thinking, and fighting that stickn' thinkin'. Today I discovered more about myself, and the horror thoughts that have occurred. As I was talking with my therapist today, he made a great point. Behaviorism is the belief that behavior has a specific purpose. The example he gave was: he had me put my good hand out, I didn't expect anything. Then his hand came down, hard on mine. He then asked if I wanted to put my hand out again, and I said no. Then we discussed the fact that suicide for me became an addiction, and now I'm on an extinction curve. This last bout is due to an extinction burst. It sounds simple, and it is, but it isn't.

Then he brought up a few group members an how much they look up to me because I'm the farthest along, the one that is closest to being whole. And how much it would hurt those in the group. Not to mention those that want me to call if things go south. Honestly that hurt a lot. made me think. I supposedly have all these things that are suppose to stop me, but there's a part of me that wants to ignore that. and He could see that. I had to believe that I was fine, and that I would be there for group on Thursday. It's like ignoring a part of me. I'm always pretending. Okay I need help. I'm not sure I can go bowling. But I have to. But I have homework. But I need help. I can't take this tonight. Why did I continue to watch this episode of Torchwood. Why do I keep doing this to myself. and then I start to scream inside. I should call someone. But I can't. I'm not suppose to be broken. I'm not broken. Then I hear music. and it distracts me for a few seconds. I'm not sure if I can even post this. I have a test to study for, but  I just keep going over the session....... People would want a call, I should do something to stop the thoughts, change the behavior, change the situation. actually reach for help. Like I am suppose to. I can't take the guilt, all of that put on one person is just to much. Why did he have to keep going. to keep the guilt trip up. I have things to do and all I have done is watch Torchwood. I should want to go bowling. Yet, at the same time I don't want to. I've thought about seeing my psycho doc but have stopped, because I am suppose to be stronger then this. Then I keep getting chills of who knows what. I'm suppose to be stronger. When I left his office I promised that I would be there on Thursday.WHY??? why does it have to be like this?? I just want to cry, and no one should see me like this. I need to let this go.... FAST. I'm suppose to be stronger then the rest of the group, yet I don't believe it myself. Why is it that I don't believe this? And then suicide gets mentioned. Please let me escape from my mind. I  should want to, but interacting with people is so hard.

Should I even post this??

The real answer game a while ago. and I need to just publish it anyway. Then may be I can get some feed back. 

24 hours of cloudy feeling

Last 24 hours was great,  felt like I was in a cloud but without feeling suicidal. I wish it could have lasted longer. I am blessed with people who care. Just not with work start time..... 5 am. And that will come fast. I still have a lot to study, just no will to study. I also found out that to jave my jaw in the correct place it will cost $5900 all up front. I'm freaking out about it. I just don't want to deal with pain.... on the way home I felt like speeding up and hitting a pole. Not where I want to be, and then those throughs distract me from studying.  At least working will distract me completely.

So little accomplished

At the end of the week, I've seen so little done. I have so much left to do, but have been struggling all week. I had 7 hours and needed more like 15-20. Which means I have to study tomorrow. Or at least hope so. It all depends on if I can keep my mind off everything. I just hope something changes soon. I can't keep going on like this. Especially with 3 tests in the next week and a half.

Music, the only distraction

I wish I could have music playing all day in one ear. I found that music if it's music I like or classical helps with all that I am feeling. This is the one place that I can just express, but yet I still hide. I don't want to admit that I was close to finding a way to just die. What kept me going is the fact that people rely on me to do things for them. I just hope that tomorrow they are willing to do something for me... before I pop and get close to wanting to just die. My therapist would ask if I am safe. and right now, I don't feel safe. My mind keeps working on wanting pain that it's distracting. I have three tests in the next week and I need to do well. One that I'm stressing over is a short answer test. I just hope I can just put it all out there, and just writing will help to decrease the severity. It's the best hope that I have right now. At least work will distract me farther. I can do this. I have to keep going. I just hope I am not too distracted to think straight.

Malingering...

I'm trying to study about malingering but I'm getting triggered. The whole thing about someone being dishonest about their symptoms and that others can see right through those lies, is really getting to me. I'm starting to wonder if theirs any of that for me. In a one-on-one session, there were many psychology terms that were identified, for example, conditioning to laughter and overly excited reaction to suicidal thoughts. Now that I see malingering, I just want to scream. He did ask if I was safe and I said yes. Only 2 people know (or at least were told). I don't know why it is happening, but its bugging me. I have to get through this study session and class without breaking.

PInch me

I need to wake up from this nightmare. It's physically draining and ....... I haven't felt this crappy in several months and then it comes back as I try and stop self-harming. Addiction is funny like that, once your clean it comes back.

I try to focus and my mind goes to what's going on. I know by know what warning signs to look for, and what not to tell a Mental Health Professional. I can work around that... Right now I just want to wake up from this night mare, and actually feel awake. Not sure how much of this I can take.

I'm 14 days clean, and the challenge that I was given is to make it to day 21.... But I want to just get rid of all this pain. I want an escape. Not just to fall asleep.

Almost there

about an hour and I'll be fast asleep. Which means I've made it. Triggers were high and I did it!!! I didn't given in to addiction. On the not good side, I still have a lot to read and study before classes and lectures. I should have been studying all day but I didn't and I just have to work harder tomorrow. I did get one assignment done but it cause a lot of issues.... I'm beginning to see many cognitive distortions.

But....

I'm 5 days clean from an addiction and I so want to just start over, but I'm also tired of starting over. Then there's the negative effects of the last week. I down played it to my Therapist, he thinks that its from the addiction that's been hard. I can barely put it on screen as to what is going on. I just can't see it, or even tell anyone. This could be a long night.