Trapped

There's still a few people out there that read this blog, and thank you for reading. I just hope it helps someone out there.

Anyway, I keep trying to get myself to do things, but there's a cloud above me, that makes it feel like I'm being trapped, Like Fog. I just can't seem to get up and do something more than surfing the net and watching TV. I did do one thing for me today, went out and bought 2 shirts. It was fun trying on things, but at the same time, it was used as a distraction from suicidal thinking. I have this continual problem of thinking, and obsessing over how to commit suicide, and judging whether or not it would work. Which leads me to doing nothing. These thoughts upset me, and I feel like I can't stop the thoughts, because it seems like they are being controlled by a super ego, instead of the combination of id, ego, and super ego. Now that I'm writing this, it seems like I'm more than just a little trapped, more like caught in a fire, with no way out. (It is fire season for the US) No matter what I do, I don't know how to run from these obsessive thoughts, and to really be free of them.

There's so much more I want to say, but feeling trapped leads to keeping quiet. Maybe music will help... Of to try and practice for awhile.

Late Night

It's almost midnight, and I'm online trying to distract myself with just about anything.... But nothing is really helping, the thoughts are always in the background. My little Devil is just having way to much fun trying to get me to do things that I don't want to do. It's what she wants, not what I want. I just don't know how to help myself, or how anyone else could help me. The question is "What things will help? and What can I do to talk things through?" there are lots more questions, but I think I'm running out of time to answer them, before things start happening... Needless to say, I'm scared. AHHHHH!!!

The Good, The Bad, and Me

I've had a little visit from the Bad, and to explain what I mean by the title of this post, think of Kronck, From Empire's New Groove (Disney). He has an angle on one side and a devil on the other, and he has to be a mediator between the two.... well for me, it's a little different, I have me, being neutral, and then Hillary, which is The Bad, and the third being The Good, with no other name. Last night, Hillary came back and started to argue with me, and wanted to end life. I felt like I was spinning out of control, and ended up crying, and yelling for her to leave. I had a friend come over to just get "all" of me distracted. It's worked so far.

Now, I'm alone again, and all I want is peace from the insanity that I live in. When will something better come around, or a good boyfriend. I'll take whatever is given unless it's the Bad side, in a different form. Please Just let me have some peace today.