Hot Chocolate on a Bitter Cold Day

Today hasn't been easy. I've had high levels of anxiety, suicidal thoughts and lack of will to do anything else. That being said here's what I accomplished:
Turned in one paper for Principles of Learning
40 minutes of practice time on clarinet
20 minutes of practice time on piano
All caught up for Class Piano
Started a project
Had Dinner, lunch, and breakfast (mostly healthy)
Picked up meds

That's a good list for all of the suicidal thoughts and brain and eyes going crazy. I had to take a tablet of Ativan. Oh and it's in the single digits outside.... WAY too COLD for me. I'm trying to stop myself right now from doing the things that my head is telling me to do. This is not an easy night.... a very difficult night. So instead,  I will work on another paper that's due soon. And then fall asleep. And get up on time, to make it to my PT appointment. But the hot chocolate was WAY good.

Blank Screen

I've been staring at this screen for a few hours.... partly because of the day I've had. I just feel hopeless, I should be reading a book, but agg.

Run and hide

The smile on my face is totally fake. I've had the worst morning imaginable. Between not wanting to get out of bed, to having suicidal thoughts. Not to mention all the people that I'm around, and the flashbacks from about 5 years ago.

I want to hide, disappear from all, especially when I have to pretend that all is well. Pretending takes a lot out of me, which doesn't help. Overall I feel tired of always fighting against the darkness that seems to come at me in all times.

How much longer can I take all of this? I came close to following the thoughts and just giving up. Why do I have to keep fighting all of this? Does this ever end... the fighting against chemistry and biology?

I wish I had someone to talk to.... someone that would listen without chastising me or pushing me to go to the hospital once again. ... why is December so hard and full of memories. Why do I feel like I have to always hide.... or to always feel the need to get help. No one knows the thoughts I have had. Nor does anyone know how bad this is getting. ... I just want to run and hide from the world, since hiding from my thoughts is harder and almost impossible right now.