Guilt, escape, Shame

I said one, what I meant was two. It's a simple concept but then the guilt sets in. I want to just lie to myself, but then I lied in a group. I'm ashamed that it happened. During the check in I didn't look at my therapist but I did look at the wall. At the time I didn't think that I had lied, but guilt set in a little bit later. I wasn't sure what I was feeling until now. 18 hours later. But it's also not fair that my therapist said something that I haven't forgotten. I am the strongest person in the group, and they look up to me. We were talking about what would happen to them if I had committed suicide. It' wasn't right that he put that on me, which also says you can't show weakness.

I hate weakness, asking for help is weakness. Calling a crisis line is weakness. Admitting guilt is weakness. All of these things are weaknesses for me, some are irrational, others are normal.

Then the question is "how strong am I?" I'm attempting to deal with suicides through a research project, I have 5-10 sources to read on how media influences suicide clusters. It's an interesting topic, but I have to ask myself if I am in a crisis, would I call the crisis line? It's hypocritical for me to tell others to call, when I can't call myself. I can't call because, I don't want to interrupt what they are doing, I don't want to show weakness, I don't want to admit that I'm in trouble, I can't stand the fact that I don't know what would happen, and don't want to find out. Yet, I can't get that conversation out of my head. It's getting annoying.  I have a lot to do, and don't need a distraction. I need to read quite a bit, and do a few more things. Yet I can't get this all out of my head. And I want to just not admit that my head is in a different place compared to the rest of me.

This is all too much... kind of

I've been thinking... a bit too much but, then again thinking could be just to much. I have a paper and I can choose the and I'm close to doing it on the effects of media on suicide clusters. I'm very interested but it could make things hard. I could choose something different but I don't want to. It's kind of a test to see if I can handle the topic, but on top of that I am also studying stress, coping skills, and other topics. I'm also skeptical about it... hey adding in yet another class. (I've mentioned all 3 in the last few sentences)

It's been an interesting day, and this week I haven't been doing well. I thought I was... then I got reminded of one symptom of depression... hypersomnia. And I noticed that I was wanting to sleep too much and not wanting to do much, and that got me thinking, in a more depressed manor. I hate these realizations. And then I see the time and realize I can escape from this reality, through sleep. Like I said, this is all too much.

2 years of Behavioral Chaining

Over the past 2 years, my T has been trying to change a thought pattern, without me knowing it was happening. Well now I know. In the last few months it was "Uncomfortable emotion/thought --> Suicidal thinking --> Self injury" He's been working on fixing that second part. In the last 4 weeks I have been trying to decrease self-injury thoughts and actions. Meaning the suicidal thoughts returned. And now it makes sense. To fix that second part, he has been reacting positively to suicide. It sounds back words but it's suppose to help. There's trust there.

I told him that I slipped and that's how the above come out. It's weird now, knowing that its been like this. I thought it was strange but it left a smile on my face when ever I left the office. Now it seems different. Yesterday he brought up the MASH theme song. And played it several times. Which by the end I was a bit annoyed. I didn't want to hear it and be triggered. Then today, I went looking for it. and it's distracted me a bit.

Then again looking on youtube is not a good study skill. Guess I better get back to Competency to testify.