I feel alone

Is there anyone to talk too? Can I get out of this? I've been reading a lot and trying to absorb the information but it's hard, I don't know what I'm doing.

Follow your Heart?!

What does my heart say? How can I follow something that is so miss leading.....???

Achieving starts with believing

I'm so lost, it's not even funny, or fun anymore.... 

ABC's 

I've been encouraged to learn my ABC's...... so here's mine from today....

Antecedent: No contact with boyfriend for 8 days despite trying....

Behavior: Suicidal thinking

Consequence: Feeling like crap and having a migraine that turned ugly.

Antecedent: having a crappy night from a migraine

Behavior: Feeling like I'm going to faint

Consequence: Not being able to do a full workout and feel better...... result.... Writing this.

These may not seem significant but when suicidal thinking comes up everything gets real.

Right now I am trying to follow my heart, and right now, it's split between many things. This isn't good for me, or for any one.... 

I struggle with addiction and not addiction, just life. 

I struggle with depression but is it the situation??

I struggle with self-esteem but is it just normal stuff that is just more exposed than normal due to years of study....

So how do I follow my heart?

When my heart doesn't know where to turn too?

I know what my family is telling me but, what's right for me?? I can write words but they don't make a lot of sense when I read them......How can I remember what I read better??

There are so many questions and right now so little answers. What if the real thing is to just try?

Then there's the question what in the world do I want to try??

I feel like I need to run an experiment, but I don't know what experiment to run?!

5 minutes later......

After a bit of crying and talking to another trying to get my mind off all this crap... and then it hits me. Why not finish and complete the work associated with a book... and truly let him restore me and see what happens. All I know is I'm not happy, I'm sad that my boyfriend hasn't texted, and I'm a bit concerned about the relationship. I also am concerned about the living space that I'm in.... there's so much shame... so what's really important today... Today I have work at least that will take my mind off things, to  a point. Maybe I should just read the book, and see if I can get any tips for this coming Sunday. 

What do I say??

This is just an update, I don't want to do this. I need to tell someone the truth, yet the truth hurts. Honestly I need to tell many people the truth..... but how much do I say?? It's 11:30pm, and I want to sleep.... but this isn't going away. What do I say when I don't want to stay with a church that judges. I understand that we need consequences but if there was love, then why would we judge? This just doesn't make sense.

Am I a sex addict?
I searched and found a sex addiction quiz.... I took this and found out that on this I scored a 10 out of 20. Most sex addicts are at level 6.... I'm on the verge of being non and clinical. So is this a problem for me? I look at my spending.... I've spent money on sexual things but is it normal... According to my family I should have no interest in sex... it's suppose to be a big secret. Yet, in the real world, It's not a secret, it should have been protected... but for me it was a secret.

With scoring half way and discovering that it's not clinical.... I feel like one sexual partner could solve the problem. But what does that mean for me??

Time will tell.........