Too much, I'm screaming

I found a movie on Netflix, Brain on Fire. I can relate to what Susannah felt. When the brain attacks and the only answer is a psychiatric disorder. But is it?? The last week had been torture. Or rather the last 16 years if not longer. I've been on meds for 16 years. Do I need to be on them. None have worked. The last few months my body has told me I'm stressed but I don't feel stress. I feel pain, hurt, and ignored. I've been blamed, I've wanted to die, anything to get away from the pain. What will it take to be heard? Do I need to retreat?! Am I even getting the right care? 

Is anyone? What if the brain is more powerful than anyone thinks? The human brain doesn't get enough credit. But how do we tell when the brain needs help? Do we throw medications in and hope that something works, or do we create stronger connection to reach the one in pain? The brain controls everything, no one knows the full capacity. My heart is breaking but my mind, my brain is under attack. Will anyone help me? Or will I be labeled psychotic?

Ambiguity

Over the last week, I have noticed that I have had a dip in mood and have been sleeping an hour longer or so. That may not seem like much but it is to me. I have so much to do but no desire to do anything!! The lack of motivation is getting to me. I have asked to pick up a few more hours but I find myself wondering if that is what I want to do. And I almost said should... I want to remove the word should from my vocabulary.

In an assignment for my career, I have been asked to handle ambiguity with more skill and finesse. And using could, would be my first attempt to change that portion of myself. I have a lot to change but my mental state is in harm's way. 


Another question?
What am I willing to do to get better?

I don't know yet! I know I am letting fear win but that's where I am today. I'm scared and nothing seems to help enough to end that fear.  Can things be different? Ah, yes!! DO I want them to be different? I'm not sure. I think so but part of me is not convinced. What will it take to be fully convinced?

31 Years of Goals

I haven't posted all year. and that bugs me. I need to be more active in my life. Recently I read a book by Hal Elrod, The Miracle Equation. This book was amazing, and I recommend reading it.

Hal helped me to think, what do I want in life?

Up until now, I have been controlled by my mental health. That ends today.  I want to be in control. To be in control, I feel that I need to create and stick to goals. I am researching more goal ideas as it has been hard to think for the last few months. I found a few resources and have thought of the following:

1. Practice mindfulness on a daily basis at least 5 minutes
2. Read 100 books by graduation from grad school
3. Finish Grad school
4. Become goal-focused
5. Move into my own home
6. Pay off debt
7. Find someone to marry
8. Recover from addiction
9. Pay off car 
10. Lose weight to be under 145 pounds
11. Run a mile
12. Walk 10,000 steps every day for 2 weeks
13. Write a love letter to future me
14. Practice yoga once a week
15. 30 days of Figure 8 Fitness program
16. Read the entire book of scriptures
17. Read 30 minutes a day for 30 days
18. Go to the gym for 30 minutes 5 days a week for 30 days
19. Hold a plank for 60 seconds
20. Complete a 2,000 piece puzzle
21. Answer 300 questions about me
22. Become a licensed counselor
23. Have CSAT certification
24. Finish all the books that I have accumulated both in print and digital
25. Wake up on time every day for one month
26. Learn more skills for working with people with mental illness while focusing on my own recovery
27. Journal every day for 30 days
28. Stop a bad habit
29. Watch less TV in a day, to one show a day and spend that time doing other things
30. Finish all crochet projects
31. Leave comfort zone and speak up and spark a conversation with a strange

That is one goal for every year I have been alive. Which seems doable in the next 10 years. I'll change it and add to it as I see fit and when I complete goals. I will use MyOrganizedLife to organize all these goals