Insomnia

I started a new med and I have had insomnia, only getting 4 to 6 hours of sleep. I attempt to sleep by 11 pm but normally I fall asleep 1 to 3 hours later. Then waking up by 3 to 6 am. I'm hoping this changes soon..... but its not just the new med, it PTSD as well. Nights are hard, with flashbacks and nightmares. My muscles in my neck are very sore... and tense. Which doesn't help the sleep aspect. But what really is the point?

I've had several flashbacks to my first hospitalization. It was 6 years ago today, and same day of the week.... which doesn't help. I remember feelings of am I going to be here for Christmas? And wondering what I could do to get out. I had a panic attack and suicidal thoughts,  I was scared,  I reached out for help. I talked with different people. .... then had to be picked up by my parents because I was so anxious. I remember it and don't want it to happen today..... one reason for me being so scared.

Another part of this is I've been struggling spiritually as well..... I keep wondering why I have to go through trauma, from bomb threats to being kicked out of a church school for anxiety attacks, and wanting to die at so many times over the past few years, to having been hospitalized 5 times between November to February, oh and who can forget the many anxiety attacks. I normally don't talk about the spiritual side of things because why do I have too! I'm scared and frustrated and comfort is not easy. Feeling connected to a God that allows for this to happen to me, let alone allowing it to happen to countless others. Yet, I know that there is some love behind allowing us to struggle. I know that there is something to learn, but I feel so alone!

My muscles in my neck hurt, by body is tired, and my mind.... is being affected. I have a headache that is not helping me think straight. I just want to stay home.... and do nothing. .... any way to not go into a flashback. I know today maybe hard, but I'm facing it head on.... that's all I can do.