Addiction

Over the last few months I have gotten in to an addictive pattern..... and have been non-existing. With this in mine I have to start to readjust to life. But how?? That's where I turn to others and was given an assignment on Self-Image. I have spent the week trying to ignore it but I can't ignore it any longer. There has been things happening that have lead me to saying, I am an addict, and I know I have a problem. I feel bad and unworthy when.... that'st the thing, I don't feel bad. How can I write on this if it's not how I feel right now. I do on the other hand feel unworthy of love and life. I feel like I can't be loved, or the fact that I'm not worthy to live. I feel that I can't go on and don't want to deal with life... yet that's how some people feel. so I feel bad and unworthy when I give into my body. Even writing this is hard, but it has to be done. I can't keep living like this anymore.I can't keep being on particular websites because it is dangerous to my emotional health... not to mention my physical health.   I cover up my feelings by engaging in sexual activity and self harm to cover up the need to be perfect and to feel clean again. I don't feel clean at all, after all that I have done. I don't feel like I can go back to what I was. I generally feel best about myself when I  am perfect and can deal with lots of stress. Next I move on to what I am certain of, no one will love me for who I am so I must hide my true self. This is true for me because if my family knew who I was then they would reject me and kick me out of the family. I can't bear the thought of their disappointment in me and in what I used to stand for. But am I writing this for what reason????

I feel like my needs are not being met, and that I have very strong sexual desires. I want to be able to use my body as I please but within reason.