What a week

This week has been a week of HELL!!! I have seen the effects of porn and sex addiction and I don't like it.I see what it does to people and to myself... it's disgusting!! Which means that what I am doing is disgusting.... Notice this isn't shame based language but acknowledging a fact that the lifestyle is disgusting!!

My physical body has suffered this week, I didn't get into the gym as much as I needed. and that resulted in belching.... Now I took time for myself today and I haven't belched yet... I feel good. Yet I'm disgusted with my behavior. I have deleted countless phone numbers, and put blocking software on my devices so I can't look at those HIDEOUS websites. Its truly an addiction for me. and It's time to say it...

I am a Sex and Pornography addict. I use sex and pornography to change the way I feel.

I have hurt so many people. Can I forgive myself? How do I forgive myself? Most importantly I need to work on forgiving myself.

I need relationships, honest true non-sexual relationships. I want a world where I can speak up about all this filth.

Over the past few days I have found countless meeting but I enjoy those that are in person better.. but I work during those meetings.... I need a sponsor.

Reasons why I want to change my behavior and thoughts

1. I need to finish my classes in time... and I'm behind
2. It's all I think about and I have so much more I can do for this world
3. My relationships have become messed up!!
4. I need to keep depression, and anxiety low, and that requires me to workout 5 days a week.
5. I want to stay off medications and the best way to do that is to change my behavior
6. This change is for me... no one else
7. I look over at a Temple picture and I want to go inside and feel of that close relationship with my God
8. I want to protect others from this harmful effect.... oh wait that one is about others not me.

Is that all I can come up with??

Physical and mental effects of MY addiction
decreased need for food
decreased need to exercise
increased negative thoughts
Belching from anxiety


Social impacts
Deceased desire for actual true friends
decreased ability to talk to people
increase in knowledge and better able to regulate emotions in front of others


Is there more?? Yes but that's what I can think of right now.

Is this change for me or for God??
I can't see me doing this anymore it's not what I want... I want a true relationship that has passion and excitement that keeps me going, and one that supports me in my needs and I support them in their needs. I don't have that... because of who I am now... I need to change for me.