19 Days

I made it 19 days!! That's the most in a while without acting out sexually. Then why do I feel so empty after using.......Because that's the Addiction Cycle!! I'm new to a new city, and I feel so alone where I am living. It's easier when my mom is home but when dad is around it's hard. The big difference is that he sleeps during the day. But in reality I haven't been honest.

Today, being honest I start a new day. I am a Sex and Codependent addict! I love to be around people but my happiness is based on theirs. How can I be happy if I don't feel happy by myself? I have been thinking about what to do and once again suicide came up. and I just moved to a new town to try and escape this..... Well I'm finding out that I can't escape it. So now, after feeling like crap, I seek a change. But what type of change? Who can guide me? What do I need to do?

Then I started to really think... Who am I kidding.... I'm not thinking I'm just wanting a way out. I'm looking back, Just like Lot's Wife!!

You see, I have a bachelor's degree despite everything that I have been through. I have been through countless anxiety attacks and suicidal thinking and addiction. Oh and recently diagnosed with Autism.... Really ME?! I have been through a lot and now I feel like God wants me to turn to Him. HE LEFT ME!!! I was still studying the scriptures and praying and He left!! NO!!!! I lost  the ability to think. I am a codependent!! I rely on others way to much and it's hurting me. So now I'm being asked to rely on one more person when the World has left me repeatedly!! There is tons of fear, and not enough faith. Faith is like Love, It's abundant there is always enough. Do I really think that there is not enough for me?? Not enough in me??

This week I'm trying and experiment. I'm a scientific woman so here is what I aim to do....

Spiritual repair
Each day I will start off like this:
1 chapter in the scriptures
2 Daily meditations
1 journal entry prayer

Or is that too much?? No, it's not. I have a lot of time and I need to use it for good things. I need to start to schedule my day, that would help with the depression. I'm headed down the depression spiral... I need a way out... May this be the way out this time and forever.