Current State

Words do not come easy. I feel depressed again..... all because I got dumped. I don't know what it will take to wake me up.

Car Accidents can Change you

This past week has been rough... I had a minor fender bender, that resulted in a sore back and a dented and cracked bumper. The pain has gotten to me, and it enticed me to use. I'm not proud of it. In fact, I have had issues with my mental state. I have been down. The last car accident totaled my car. and landed me where I am today, living with my parents. I was feeling lost. and not sure where to go. More stresses are pilling up all around me. and I just need a self-care day... but I need to write a paper, and do some training..... I feel overwhelmed. I know where this all leads.... right back into addiction. I had one slip today, I don't want another... I need an attitude adjustment... I'm dangerously low and I am afraid that I can't or don't want to catch it in time...

Am I in trouble...??? I want to scream. I have 3 days to complete my paper and it's halfway done. I can do this. but Can I really do three jobs?????? Time will tell I need a break.

New experiences

I recently got a new device, now I want to look at things I shouldn't, and the temptation is real. So instead I'm blogging. My fight is to not use my addiction for 30 days for a reward. And All I want to do is use. I have a guy friend who doesn't know but might know to get to know me. It's tough though. I want to tell him for support. I recently broke off another relationship that was long distance. I'm thrilled I did. I just felt that 1 hour is better than a guy that doesn't drive and wanted me for my body. This guy wants me for me.  I learned quite a bit last night, and it felt good to get close to him but to keep it PG. It's tough though. I want so much more, but I can't have it that way.

I did start a master's degree program. And it's hard work. This week is about self-care. Something I Need to focus on. And I'm getting help from Grammarly.com it's been a lifesaver.

Thoughts on me

I'm listening to good music, why don't I feel happy, why do I feel confused?!

I have one foot in and one out. I long to be near someone.... Yet i am so far away.

I want to hurt, I want to feel, I want to be me. Is that too much to ask for?

Apparently it is too much to ask.

Over the past 4 months I have been isolated from relationships. But that's not working for me. I need people. I need something in common. But is that one thing in common what I want?

I'm bored. Don't know what to do. No real friends. Only those that are far away. The ones that I have are superficial or only want one thing.

So how can I be someone I'm not? But who is this person? I've lost myself, and I hate it.

Frustrating Men

First off, this isn't about any one person, just the greater male species. This does not apply to every male out there. This is a rant, a vent of frustration!!

Why is it that no matter what, those who are addicted to pornography, seem to assume everything revolves around the them?! Not only that but they assume that some people are bots!

I just want to find one man that treats me right, that will restore my faith in men. When I say no, they don't listen!!!! They want what they want and can't stop themselves. Especially if they are addicted to pornography/sex!

I'm sitting at home alone, slightly negative thoughts running through my head, I can't escape them. Why can't I escape??? I try, then the thoughts return. I need someone beside me.