Exams

I noticed today that I like to relax after a test and it puts me behind for the next. I need to use meditation to relax instead of wasting time. Especially to do well on the next exam.

Distraction Please. Suicide mentioned. Read with discretion

So much to do... risk level has increased... very triggering class... and now music to distract me so I can prepare for exams... I have one on Monday.. one Wednesday.. then one the following week. I need to study... but I should call T but don't want to deal with it. .... but may be I should... Anxiety is high... risks are increasing...

I am calming down now.. music helps. still afraid of not knowing what would happen if I did call crisis line for T. I could talk to him directly but, I just don't want to deal with it. I have so much going on, lots to do.... an interview on Monday for a job... Lots of good stuff.. and then momentary trigger, but it's a good thing right? Okay, I'm ready to study now... Breathing helps.... I knew before that this class could be difficult.. but that's what I get for studying psychology. I'm okay now. level back at 1.

It still bugs me that  I am still a hypocrite about calling a crisis line... I have in the past, or at least it was calling docs offices, or calling hospital but never a crisis line... Even if I know I can talk to my T relatively quickly... Yet if I just post here, it gives me that release of thought to continue on. Yet at the same time how can I recommend someone to call a crisis line if I can't call myself... It's not about pride... It's just I don't want to talk...

Rather,  I don't want to feel uncomfortable, talking about suicide is very uncomfortable... but I don't want to continue to be a hypocrite...

Never Being Good Enough

Never Being Good Enough!!!!

That's the wall that I want to break. Currently I am overweight. I haven't wanted to workout. This is important because I have not felt that I'm important.

Why I wanted Suicide so bad
~~ Fear of the future
~~ Fear of not being enough
~~ Fear of being imperfect
~~ Fear of leaving home
~~Fear of LIVING!!!!

Why I bring up the weight.... because I am afraid of the same thing as I want with why I wanted Suicide.

A little look with my study skills... I am still afraid that I'll fail, that I'm not good enough, that life is not worth living...

Now I know, what I am afraid of, and what I need to change, mentally.