Intensive Outpatient Notes

It's no surprise that I would find my self after 2 hospitalizations in another but at least this time it's outpatient!! So I can actually post about my experiences.

A little update. I have moved home and the move went find but the finding a job part has been stressful. I still after a month don't have a job but, at the same time my mood has dipped. I became frustrated with the system and decided to reach out for help to find providers. That was a smart decision. I still don't have providers but I'm getting help and information.

This place that I was at was based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Which takes a lot of effort... but so does life!!

Today we discussed Relapse Prevention. I identified some of my triggers from guilt, shame, depression, anger, Automatic Negative Thinking (ANTs), feeling sexually stimulated, feeling like I'm nothing, stress and the feeling of "why try", all of these are internal triggers for me. External ranged from, texts from people that I have used with, seeing a device that I used, Location, attractive people, feeling others stress, loud noises, messages on Kik, and certain websites. And that was just the first page..... I found more triggers on the back. Anniversary date of July 4th when this depressed mood started, too much to do, feeling overwhelmed, family friction, end of or start of relationship, spending time alone, being judged criticized teased or put done by self or others, financial stress, physical illness, being yelled at, being around someone who has treated me badly, frightening news events, and certain people, places, and events. Anther trigger is feeling like I am different. Then I had to come up with a plan for some of these. for the ANTs I can try and flip them after identifying them. If I am mistreated then I can leave or learn how to speak up. Boredom, I can find something to do, write as much as I have to learn something, go to the library. If I get stuck in thought then I can blog or write in a journal.  One way to get SOBER is to Stop, Observe body Breath, Expand my awareness, Respond in a healthy way.  I can also meditate or focus on my breathing or a scent to find calm and safety.

Thought Record of the primary problem.

WARNING Only read if you are safe, and in a good spot. This was a long day for me and I had to use some relaxation methods to de-stress.

Situation: Voices telling me to die.
Automatic Thoughts: I am never going to get better; I am worthless; I am doomed; I should have done something different; I don't desire to live; If people knew they would place me inpatient; I can't tell no one, no one can help; I must die; I hate myself.
Feelings. and how intense: Alarmed 10, impatient 5; concerned 10, perturbed 8 provoked 7
Thought Distortions present: all or nothing thinking, Jumping to conclusions, emotional reasoning, rationalization, unfair social comparisons.
Adapted/ Realistic thoughts: I will work to get better; others see my worth; I feel hope; I can do more today It's in the past; I deserve to live and thrive; I can tell people as long as I don't have an exact plan and they can help; People can relate; I feel like I can try; I feel loved and accepted; I have something to offer. After going through this again it's helping.....

As for feelings I fell repulsed by the automatic thoughts. Justified, rejected, discarded, troubled, foggy, unsure, skeptical, shaken and anxious. But no after typing this up I feel more relaxed.

Then again this is the THIRD time I am going through this. I did the back of the worksheet and discovered a few new things. When I asked some questions I found out that I have no boundaries, and that I need to change and the desire to change is low. Voices think I am worthless, and getting bullied and the boom scares are what's caused all these feelings of self doubt. I did realize that the voices are not me.  I now feel Uplifted, Perplexed and hateful of voices.

At the end they have us reflect on the day and now after writing this my mood has gone up. I have hope that as long as I say these realistic thoughts more then I can rewire my mind.
                         

19 Days

I made it 19 days!! That's the most in a while without acting out sexually. Then why do I feel so empty after using.......Because that's the Addiction Cycle!! I'm new to a new city, and I feel so alone where I am living. It's easier when my mom is home but when dad is around it's hard. The big difference is that he sleeps during the day. But in reality I haven't been honest.

Today, being honest I start a new day. I am a Sex and Codependent addict! I love to be around people but my happiness is based on theirs. How can I be happy if I don't feel happy by myself? I have been thinking about what to do and once again suicide came up. and I just moved to a new town to try and escape this..... Well I'm finding out that I can't escape it. So now, after feeling like crap, I seek a change. But what type of change? Who can guide me? What do I need to do?

Then I started to really think... Who am I kidding.... I'm not thinking I'm just wanting a way out. I'm looking back, Just like Lot's Wife!!

You see, I have a bachelor's degree despite everything that I have been through. I have been through countless anxiety attacks and suicidal thinking and addiction. Oh and recently diagnosed with Autism.... Really ME?! I have been through a lot and now I feel like God wants me to turn to Him. HE LEFT ME!!! I was still studying the scriptures and praying and He left!! NO!!!! I lost  the ability to think. I am a codependent!! I rely on others way to much and it's hurting me. So now I'm being asked to rely on one more person when the World has left me repeatedly!! There is tons of fear, and not enough faith. Faith is like Love, It's abundant there is always enough. Do I really think that there is not enough for me?? Not enough in me??

This week I'm trying and experiment. I'm a scientific woman so here is what I aim to do....

Spiritual repair
Each day I will start off like this:
1 chapter in the scriptures
2 Daily meditations
1 journal entry prayer

Or is that too much?? No, it's not. I have a lot of time and I need to use it for good things. I need to start to schedule my day, that would help with the depression. I'm headed down the depression spiral... I need a way out... May this be the way out this time and forever.

After a rough 3 weeks

3 weeks ago today I was calling to get the car insurance claim started... Here I am today with still no word. I did call the company and got some movement on it.... an adjuster will be coming out soon.... but it took 3 weeks for them to do this. Was that necessary!! Come on people just communicate!

In a few days I will find out what or if my car can be fixed. At this point I think its totaled.

Then on Thursday I found out some other news. My health insurance has decided to not cover my therapist.... therefore I have to pay for it out of pocket....Or find another way to pay for it.... What a blow!!!! After 5 years of seeing the same office but different therapist. Not to mention this one that I am seeing has experience for my specific addiction, and she is well versed in EMDR.

I hope I can find a way to continue to see her!!!

After I found out, I kinda freaked out a bit... well a lot. I thought about death again and ended up in the hospital. It was a good thing. It got me to a safe place and got me some actual good help. The classes weren't just the same thing that I had heard over and over... it included new things, with real life examples of people that had turned their life around. And learned a bit about self-criticism and self-compassion. That was the best thing that I got out of it. I am a self-critic. and I need to learn how to be more compassionate.

I am very hard on myself and need to take a bit of humility. I am way to proud and it's because of the things that I am doing...... I am an addict!! I need to learn humility. But I honestly don't know how.

I have a lot to learn but first I need to ask for financial help. I need to get over myself and admit that I need help that I can't do it by myself. I'm not earning enough and honestly I am in a world of hurt. I have a lot to overcome but mostly I have a lot to do and lots to figure out.