Thoughts on me

I'm listening to good music, why don't I feel happy, why do I feel confused?!

I have one foot in and one out. I long to be near someone.... Yet i am so far away.

I want to hurt, I want to feel, I want to be me. Is that too much to ask for?

Apparently it is too much to ask.

Over the past 4 months I have been isolated from relationships. But that's not working for me. I need people. I need something in common. But is that one thing in common what I want?

I'm bored. Don't know what to do. No real friends. Only those that are far away. The ones that I have are superficial or only want one thing.

So how can I be someone I'm not? But who is this person? I've lost myself, and I hate it.

Frustrating Men

First off, this isn't about any one person, just the greater male species. This does not apply to every male out there. This is a rant, a vent of frustration!!

Why is it that no matter what, those who are addicted to pornography, seem to assume everything revolves around the them?! Not only that but they assume that some people are bots!

I just want to find one man that treats me right, that will restore my faith in men. When I say no, they don't listen!!!! They want what they want and can't stop themselves. Especially if they are addicted to pornography/sex!

I'm sitting at home alone, slightly negative thoughts running through my head, I can't escape them. Why can't I escape??? I try, then the thoughts return. I need someone beside me.

Where I want to be

Ever feel like your going nowhere? That's me making wrong choices over and over. I want to be a contributing person in society. Making money, but more importantly helping people!

In order to get there I have lots to do, but at the same time I don't want to. Today I read my step 1 to my counselor, which was scary. She helped by reading it with me. That was about 12 hours ago.

I was thinking how can I share something so personal with someone that broke confidence. I'm scared for that reason. I never told her it hurt me. So that is only hurting me.

Is it me or do I just want to hurt and blame it on others. It being anyone or thing that makes me hurt.

I lay here, all I want is to just not take responsibility. So that my death won't be my fault.

I see the words on the screen, I just don't want to keep doing this game, this life. I'm hurting physically, mentally and spiritually.

The trouble is there is only one perfect death with little pain, and I can't get what I need for it. So I countinue to hurt. That hurt grows everyday. Hurt, decay, and heartache exist and encompass me.

So I reach my breaking point.... What more can I do, what more can I say. Except for I'll sleep tonight and hope the hurt lessens, but it won't!