Christmas

I sit down at a blank screen. Well now it's not. But you get the picture, I wonder what this week will bring. It's been a while since I last posted and so much has happened. Meaning BIG things. Many that I don't have answers for, and still hope to have the answers. I saw my ophthalmologist and she saw some inflammation on my optic nerve. I had a brain MRI, which came back normal. But now since I have been getting headaches the doctors want to do a spinal tap. Well, that's on Tuesday and I get anxious just thinking about it. Can I hold still?? Will it hurt?? not to mention, What is wrong?? or is there something wrong?! I still don't know and it's Christmas, I should be happy but I'm not.

Then my psychiatrist wants to put me on a medication that is non-formulary on the insurance company. Which means I can't take that one without approval... and so far that's the second medication that hasn't been approved. I think its because they don't have the full medical record of every drug that I have been on, but what do I know?! Or maybe we should try some of the medications that have worked for a bit with each other and see if it makes a difference. Honestly it's a nightmare and I want something to change. Mainly ME to change!!! But when I feel like crap and don't want to do anything, do I just have to force myself to do things... that doesn't seem right?!

Then I have 20 days, well almost 21 days, will I blow it again??? Or will I continue on my path of recovery. So far, I don't feel like searching for a man online, I just hope that I'll find one after I change, or before I'm not picky. I just hope that I find him. The past few months have been about finding my husband, but looking in the wrong places. I just hope that I can, I hope I can get into a good space to find a man.