Early Morning !!!Trigger warning!!!

I'm not even suppose to be at work, yet I'm wide awake!!!!!! It's 4:30 am, I have a movie on, and the light dimmed. Yet I'm not fully awake, still tired just needed to be out of my room, away from the smell of Spearmint. In hopes that it would get my headache and decrease the intensity. But I'm still tired, awake but tired.... not the best combination. I may try and sleep out here but for now my mind is still on what do I do with myself. Anxiety is high, triggers are high, and I've already slipped twice in less than 24 hours. I'm not happy. Nothing about this situation makes me happy. I'm turning 27, and still single with no prospects, not too many friends, and I'm not happy. Sleeping is a problem, headaches are daily, and I just don't want to keep living this way. I have enough pills to do it, enough problems anyway, why do I have to keep fighting??? Would I say I'm suicidal.......... yes. Do I trust myself to be alone today? No. Do I have to keep being alone? maybe... can I just get some sleep and stay asleep.... please. Can it be longer than 6 hours?? Please. I just want to sleep....

What's my purpose?? That I just don't know.

WHAT do I do with myself????

Ever since a little kid, everyone asked us what we wanted to be when we grow up. I'm about to hit another year, and am wondering what do I do with myself???

Aspects that I do not like
Sitting on my butt watching TV
Working on the computer constantly
Not having to many friends
Having suicidal thoughts
Being Codependent on others
Being Lazy

Aspects that I want in my life
Friends
Active life
Healthy
Happy
Reader


How do I get this type of life??? That is the question of the day. What am I doing right now.... what I don't want to always be doing, on my butt watching TV. Not doing what I want..... But at the same time, I'm not happy with what I am doing. Or with my living situation. What is this active life, and how do I get it??? What do I really want?? Where do I go from here? What's next???

A book comes to mind..... its one that I read in college, called Inner Victory by David A. Christensen, About "strategies for managing life's transitions."

And then I go to a session and am told not to sit and stir over it.... You just told me to not........That increases the likelihood of actually doing that. So yes, I have thought about that conversation, it seems almost compulsive after being told to not think about something.

I'm really trying to not think about reading out loud, but still thinking about it. Do I practice??? I know it will get easier if I do it, but I don't want too.... It comes down to fear. Fear that others will laugh at me, even if I know they wont.... I still fear their reactions. I hate concern... with a passion!!

I've thought about the years, most of my life that I have been afraid, anxiety has ruled my life, how do I change this??

How do I let this go??

Excuse

I know this is an excuse..... but I can't bring myself to talking about the second to last post about talking with my sister. I keep wanting to just let it slide, but I almost can't. At the same time I want to believe that she meant that it was just the thoughts that were going to happen, some how that doesn't seem quite right.... but it has to be..... I'm still awake... this is weird.