I want to be open and honest if you my readers, but there's so much shame. I don't even know my reasons for quitting anymore. I need to figure out these reasons before I can move on. What are these are reasons? Why do I feel like I need to stop? One reason is I can't live a double life anymore. Another reason is I can't continue with this behavior and have it not ruin my life.
What did I do? Why this change of heart? Honestly I just don't know anymore. And at the same time I have to get this out there. I used tonight and I feel absolutely awful because of it. Right now I'm very depressed and anxious and its almost getting to the point where I just don't want to live anymore. Life is becoming too difficult, especially with everything that's going on right now. I'm just playing a lot of vulnerability right now in saying this but I can't continue going on like this. It's 4 a.m. and I'm still up after almost 20 hours of being up. The thing is I just don't feel tired. I want to keep using. Why is it so hard? Why do I want to call the Crisis Line right now? Yet I know part of me just need to talk to another human being.
So what do I do? Do I just make the call and talk with someone? Can it be anyone? Or do I need a specific person? There are just so many questions right now because of loss of power that I feel when I use. I guess I should just call and talk to another human being and then maybe I can get some sleep. And I don't want to wake them up right now. Because I feel like I'm not important enough.
I used and now I feel awful. I just can't take it!!! What do I do? That's the big question of the night. I know that I'm accountable not only to myself that to a friend and a sponsor and now I just want to run and hide. How do I escape on my form of escaping no longer works? I just don't know if I can take this life anymore and that's my cue to call. I can't think about others when I'm like this..... Or do I just need venting and sleep??? I'll let you all know when I decide.
It happens without warning, and it devastates you: Your closest girlfriend cuts you off completely. No more late-night phone calls and emails, no more catch-up lunches and dinners. She has decided for whatever reason to move on with her life and has left you to try to make sense of what happened.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Custom Writing
dear what did i do,
Deletei too done my dash tonight i busted tonigh t too i got very angry half hour beofre i got on didnt meet to well the friedns being in such a mood it caused a bit of friction amongst them im calm now coming down whoo hoo more tomorow gulp theres the elp
addiction h
GOOD LUCK INN TRYING TO QUIT I TOO BUSTED BAD TONIGHT I HAD MY BOWLS FOR THE LAST THREE DAYS AND BEEN AWAKE FOR 54HOURS I FEAR MY SLEEP YOU SEE I FEEL IM NOT GOIN GTO WAKE UP SO I TRY TO STAY AWAKE THEN I PASS OUT AFTER FOUR DAYS THEN THE WHOLE PROCESS SATRTS AGAIN ITS A NIGHTMARE ITS AN EXPENSIVE ADDICITON ALTHOUHG IVE TRIED TO COME OFF IT I JUSTCANT SEEM TO GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR 20 HOURS AWAKE AND I HOPE YOU DONTGE TUP TO 54 HOURS LIKE ME
DeleteHello. I understand that your problem is that you live a double life?
ReplyDeleteIt is difficult to advise something without knowing the details. Maybe you are impersonating another person or living in 2 families. One thing I can tell you for sure. You have a conscience, so everything is not lost! I would advise you to try to talk with the person you are deceiving. The reasons for your deception may be different, and it is quite possible, if you tell and explain your position, this person will forgive you.
And if it's hard for you to say it in your eyes - try to write an essay. On paper, you can express all your arguments and motives - that is, something that you could not tell in your eyes ...