Music on My Stand

I have things to do, yet I feel like blogging to try and get a few things out. I am growing frustrated with how I feel. I missed my meds on accident yesterday and now I'm feeling the effects of not wanting to do anything. I have things to do!! Music to practice and get up to speed.Yet, I know that there are bigger issues then just the music.

I was told recently that I am very cryptic, but that's all I know how to be. How can a person be more direct, when in the mind they are not direct in their thoughts? I avoid what I am thinking because I hate what I think. Plainly I hate me. I hate who I have become and I hate what it will take to get out of it. so how do I be more direct when I hate being direct?

Truth:
   I hate myself because I hate having to hide who I am from those that I love out of fear that they won't accept me for me... but is there faulty core beliefs behind that statement... ah YES!!! Why do I fear what I have become around even myself?? One fact keeps coming up, I hate me!!

I know I'm not alone but how do I not hate me!?

This all started off with music that I have to get ready to preform and have lack of will to start preparing the music. I see the thought in my mind and I see it float of into the distance just like in DBT, but it's not enough to just let it go. I have to change!!! But HOW??