The Past

It's time for me to come clean and actually talk about what happened, and the things that I have been trying to HIDE!!! We all have these things.... but I'm listening to Slipknot right now, and "Don't Get Close" It's not the normal music that I listen to but I have to get out of my head and that seems like the best type of music when I'm ANGRY!!!

Excuse the Language but I'm not censoring this anymore. It's time to let this shit out! My hope is that this helps me to move on and make connection. Even as I sit I can't sit still. I have to move. This is so uncomfortable that I hate being in my own skin. So here I go, for the world to read, if they choose.

I take you back to school days when I was really little, I was bullied as a child and never accepted for who I was, so I never accepted myself and always wanted to be better. As I grew up, I tried to hide, because,  I thought no one wanted to know my story, because I was worthless. All to find out that this is SHIT!!!!! I do have worth. But I believed that I couldn't do anything right. I slowly lost my sense of self, hiding behind doing well in school until I felt actually connected to others.

Just before my senior year, I took a trip with my parents and I thought that the trip was good, and there was no one to put me down, only myself.


I almost have to pause here to keep my head on straight....

These are truths that I have never admitted to myself, and now it's a bit overwhelming... enough that I want to just stay up all night, and get it out.

The self-abuse didn't stop there, no, it continued. That was when I had my first thought of "I should be dead" Even just typing that it feels unreal and far fetched.  I held on to that, and told a friend, and he flipped out. I still remember how he flipped especially when I got out late and thought, "oh he won't be up, so I won't call" The next time I saw him he was relieved that I was still alive, and yet so PISSED OFF that I didn't call. I still remember that day clearly, but I rationalized like everything else...

I have rationalized myself into hating everyone, and now, I have to escape.


I find myself wanting to dissociate because this is just so painful, and so raw, and the first time that it has come out. That the next part I'm not sure I can even get out.... But I have to. It has to be this way. I have to share with the world then maybe I can share with those around me. I hope that this helps me, but then my story is out there, even now I don't want to move on... but I have too.

Then the suicidal thinking started for real, a few months later. and I had fully withdrawn from life. But that wasn't the end of my withdrawal.  Oh no, I had to continue.

And now I have goose bumps... I hate this but I have to get it out. I don't even know if I can post this yet, but I want this to be RAW!!

This is so painful to even get out that I wonder if I can do this but I have too!!! I want to run right now!!!!!!!!! Run far far away. 

Then I went off to college, thinking that it was the right college due to the price, but then things started to happen. People got concerned, and took their concerns to other people, instead of ME. I FUCKING HATE THEM!!! Worst of all they were my roommates... some friends right. I thought they were friends but who am I kidding, I never really had friends while I was young, I never allowed people in because of the treatment from the bullies. That has stated with me. Then another bully came into my life at that point.... the University got involved, they asked me to be on probation for having anxiety attacks, that caused others to worry about me... Isn't that FUCKING LIFE!!!!

But no, it was all about them, and how they had to feel like they had to take care of me, when I was freaking out over nothing...I don't even remember what caused the anxiety. I just remember the result. I was kicked out of that university, then I was stupid enough to not fight back, and then go back to mom and dad. Oh and I was stupid enough to bust my BUTT and return to that university because it was my dream to get a degree.. but someone had a different plan for me. I got through a semester then the anxiety attacks returned the following semester. and my roommates were fine with helping me get through it, but the university was not willing. I got kicked out and once again I didn't fight back, I just allowed the Bully to win!!!

Now looking back, WHY did I let the BULLY win... it's my life, not theirs. But it was years of conditioned responses... to conditioned stimuli!!!

I don't even know if I 'm making sense but I don't fucking care. I want this to be raw, and enough so that I can look back and see were I was. And yet something is happening inside me, I just have to let this all out. I am an addict, I seek to hide all my shit and my past and just have sex. It's compulsive but It's also become that way because I never learned how to stand up and say NO!!!! I feel like I have to say yes to everyone, so I say yes, but in the end it hurts me.

This only hurts me.... well that statement is incorrect, my whole family is dysfunctional! I thought for the longest time that they were all healthy but, socially they are all not healthy. I don't even know what that looks like anymore.

Anyway, I have hurt a lot of people and I hope that after I forgive myself that forgiving them will be easy, but I was the ultimate bully!! I believed that I was SHIT!! that I was worthless because others thought that way, because I was on an IEP and a 504, just ways to help me grow and to learn but I took it as a negative thing. And so did the people around me!! I was not the only one but I was the one that stood out.I was different .. I didn't know why, but I was different, I was the new kid, and kids are mean!! It stuck, I didn't have too many friends and the friends that I did have moved away, I felt abandoned by everyone. I didn't have my cousins close like I had growing up they were all in a different state. SO I started to Isolate. But not only isolate from others but from myself. Honestly that is the one HORROR that I never wanted to let out but I have to. I have to let the past go. This is a way for me to really feel again, and get reconnected to people, find out things about them, share my life with people...

Now I just want to clean and RUN!!

What was this like? I can already hear my therapist say, and honestly, this was painful!! but I got it out, and I hope that I can read this in 13 hours and 30 minutes.