Why stop?

I wanted to focus on triggers, I know that there is a problem but don't want to do anything about this problem. Or do I??

Reasons for stopping
I can see the impact in not only my life but in those around me
Unwanted Pregnancy
STD's
It's not true love

Reasons to continue
I like the physical connection
I feel like I'm pretty
I like the rush of being able to have sex

Are my reasons for stopping strong enough to stop me?? Do I want this to impact my future?

These two questions are a bit shocking, because I thought I was in recovery. But I'm not. I honestly don't want to be pregnant, or have too many of the people around me know that I use sex when I just can't take life anymore. I guess I got tired of harming myself but why did I start this when it is still considered self-harm to try and be pregnant. What am I really trying to do?

I see the cursor blink and think what am I going to do next? What would change really look like for me?

I got told today that I am too cryptic when I talk but that's just me. Or can I be more direct? What does it mean to not be so cryptic? Then again I want to hide myself, because I hate me!!! I have grown up with being bullied and I'm tired of bulling myself because of it. I know why I am cryptic and that's to hide the real me. When I am at work, I feel like I can be me, but at home, I have to be who my family wants me to be. That's It!!!!That's my reason for being cryptic and not genuine. I can be true to myself on her but that's because I'm not afraid to show the real me.

So much has happened and I need to take my profile down on a website and block access to it on all devices, the only question is how do I start to deal with all this crap!!!???

The answer is in the question. I need to find a way or a person to help me block these sites from my plan, and I have to do this because I don't want to end up pregnant!! That's just not worth it because it changes my whole outlook.

After all this I must re-write my reasons for stopping, yet I don't want to but I have to be genuine with myself.
Unwanted Pregnancy outside of Marriage
Health Problems
Need to be on Birth control
Loss of Respect in self
Family dis-respect
Loss of trust around self and others
Loss of sleep
Loss of self-worth
Loss of the church


If I don't stop today and find away to block these websites I will continue to find away to use. But I don't know how to do this, or who to ask. So I'll start with looking myself until I am ready to ask for help...

Right now this is still shaming to even deal with but it has to be done.  I have to!!! For my own sanity and so that I can be genuine with myself.

That's what it is really about. I can't be genuine with myself so I hide myself from myself. I hope that makes sense.