I sit down at a blank screen. Well now it's not. But you get the picture, I wonder what this week will bring. It's been a while since I last posted and so much has happened. Meaning BIG things. Many that I don't have answers for, and still hope to have the answers. I saw my ophthalmologist and she saw some inflammation on my optic nerve. I had a brain MRI, which came back normal. But now since I have been getting headaches the doctors want to do a spinal tap. Well, that's on Tuesday and I get anxious just thinking about it. Can I hold still?? Will it hurt?? not to mention, What is wrong?? or is there something wrong?! I still don't know and it's Christmas, I should be happy but I'm not.
Then my psychiatrist wants to put me on a medication that is non-formulary on the insurance company. Which means I can't take that one without approval... and so far that's the second medication that hasn't been approved. I think its because they don't have the full medical record of every drug that I have been on, but what do I know?! Or maybe we should try some of the medications that have worked for a bit with each other and see if it makes a difference. Honestly it's a nightmare and I want something to change. Mainly ME to change!!! But when I feel like crap and don't want to do anything, do I just have to force myself to do things... that doesn't seem right?!
Then I have 20 days, well almost 21 days, will I blow it again??? Or will I continue on my path of recovery. So far, I don't feel like searching for a man online, I just hope that I'll find one after I change, or before I'm not picky. I just hope that I find him. The past few months have been about finding my husband, but looking in the wrong places. I just hope that I can, I hope I can get into a good space to find a man.
Sunday, December 25, 2016
Thursday, December 15, 2016
Update...
Many things are happening. I found out that my optical nerves are inflamed. And the doctors are not sure why. I think it's because of a medication. So, they ran an MRI and found no masses, but they want to do a spinal tap. I'm getting used to the idea of it but I'm still scared. Tonight i have anxiety higher than normal. I have also been suicidal. Honestly I don't know what is med and what is circumstance I'm so confused. I thought writing this out would be helpful but all it does is make me want to cry.
So the last 2 months have been filled with lots of time on my hands. Many days with using sex and relationships to get rid of stress and anxiety. All the more creating more stress and anxiety.
I'm getting to tired yet I don't want to sleep..... Why is that? I want to...... I don't know I'm not yet I am tired. I hope I fall asleep tonight. I hope I can just stay safe. God help me.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
17 days
I feel awful!!! So alone I need a meeting. I decided after 17 days to use..... What an awful feeling. I'm not sure I can describe what I feel.
Few hours later, I feel like I dissociate when I use and then for hours after. I am a sex addict and I seek recovery. But I don't know how.
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Options
I have a few options for today. One is taking care of me. Two, going to see a guy and have some fun. Third, staying home and listening to something I don't care about. There's risks for all but, I just don't know. Or I do things a bit different and take care of me by asking my parents to come with me to share with them what's been happening. There's to many options!!! How can I choose. All sound great. But at the same time I need to take care of myself. I just don't know. I feel lonely.
Thursday, September 29, 2016
1 year from now
Where do I want to be in one year from today??? What are my goals?
I want.... I really don't know so lets do this way.
Goals
1) Finish Medical Coding and Billing Course work.
2) Establish a routine and stick to it
3) On the path to recovery from depression and anxiety
Those are my top three.... now how do I make them so I accomplish something on them daily. Class is a bit easier, I need to establish a routine with learning something new every day, and recovery I have learned takes a routine to get through.
What does my routine look like??
It has to be flexible as I don't know what type of job that I want or can have.
Needs to include:
Positive Affirmations
Brush Teeth
Exercise
Meditation
I want.... I really don't know so lets do this way.
Goals
1) Finish Medical Coding and Billing Course work.
2) Establish a routine and stick to it
3) On the path to recovery from depression and anxiety
Those are my top three.... now how do I make them so I accomplish something on them daily. Class is a bit easier, I need to establish a routine with learning something new every day, and recovery I have learned takes a routine to get through.
What does my routine look like??
It has to be flexible as I don't know what type of job that I want or can have.
Needs to include:
Positive Affirmations
Brush Teeth
Exercise
Meditation
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
The words I can't say
I want out of my head! But that gets misinterpreted as you're suicidal.... No people it's not that. I just need a break from all the screaming, yelling, and general annoyance of my head. It's that simple. Yet no one understands.
I have conversations that don't play well with each other, and then the arguments start happening. How else can I escape my head? Normal ways don't help long enough. I've tried to manage but I come up short. I'm an addict. Yet some say it's an OCD problem..... Hum..... That says it's all me. Thanks for your confidence in me. Stop telling me what it could be and say what could help. I need a plan! I'm terrible at following but if it actually helps then fine.
Then we turn to the concept of God. To some it's a person. To others some impossible place that can't be reached on my own. I think it's the second.
Then again who knows!!! God says to read and study the Scriptures but I can't focus to read. What's the point?! Maybe I'm too far passed help. Yet who can help? All I've been told is to work it out. Well I'm sorry but I just can't! I don't freaking know how!!!! So tell me this. How do I balance my time when I seem to just get worse and don't know what to focus on???
Thanks for letting me vent.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Intensive Outpatient Notes
It's no surprise that I would find my self after 2 hospitalizations in another but at least this time it's outpatient!! So I can actually post about my experiences.
A little update. I have moved home and the move went find but the finding a job part has been stressful. I still after a month don't have a job but, at the same time my mood has dipped. I became frustrated with the system and decided to reach out for help to find providers. That was a smart decision. I still don't have providers but I'm getting help and information.
This place that I was at was based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Which takes a lot of effort... but so does life!!
Today we discussed Relapse Prevention. I identified some of my triggers from guilt, shame, depression, anger, Automatic Negative Thinking (ANTs), feeling sexually stimulated, feeling like I'm nothing, stress and the feeling of "why try", all of these are internal triggers for me. External ranged from, texts from people that I have used with, seeing a device that I used, Location, attractive people, feeling others stress, loud noises, messages on Kik, and certain websites. And that was just the first page..... I found more triggers on the back. Anniversary date of July 4th when this depressed mood started, too much to do, feeling overwhelmed, family friction, end of or start of relationship, spending time alone, being judged criticized teased or put done by self or others, financial stress, physical illness, being yelled at, being around someone who has treated me badly, frightening news events, and certain people, places, and events. Anther trigger is feeling like I am different. Then I had to come up with a plan for some of these. for the ANTs I can try and flip them after identifying them. If I am mistreated then I can leave or learn how to speak up. Boredom, I can find something to do, write as much as I have to learn something, go to the library. If I get stuck in thought then I can blog or write in a journal. One way to get SOBER is to Stop, Observe body Breath, Expand my awareness, Respond in a healthy way. I can also meditate or focus on my breathing or a scent to find calm and safety.
Thought Record of the primary problem.
WARNING Only read if you are safe, and in a good spot. This was a long day for me and I had to use some relaxation methods to de-stress.
Situation: Voices telling me to die.
Automatic Thoughts: I am never going to get better; I am worthless; I am doomed; I should have done something different; I don't desire to live; If people knew they would place me inpatient; I can't tell no one, no one can help; I must die; I hate myself.
Feelings. and how intense: Alarmed 10, impatient 5; concerned 10, perturbed 8 provoked 7
Thought Distortions present: all or nothing thinking, Jumping to conclusions, emotional reasoning, rationalization, unfair social comparisons.
Adapted/ Realistic thoughts: I will work to get better; others see my worth; I feel hope; I can do more today It's in the past; I deserve to live and thrive; I can tell people as long as I don't have an exact plan and they can help; People can relate; I feel like I can try; I feel loved and accepted; I have something to offer. After going through this again it's helping.....
As for feelings I fell repulsed by the automatic thoughts. Justified, rejected, discarded, troubled, foggy, unsure, skeptical, shaken and anxious. But no after typing this up I feel more relaxed.
Then again this is the THIRD time I am going through this. I did the back of the worksheet and discovered a few new things. When I asked some questions I found out that I have no boundaries, and that I need to change and the desire to change is low. Voices think I am worthless, and getting bullied and the boom scares are what's caused all these feelings of self doubt. I did realize that the voices are not me. I now feel Uplifted, Perplexed and hateful of voices.
At the end they have us reflect on the day and now after writing this my mood has gone up. I have hope that as long as I say these realistic thoughts more then I can rewire my mind.
A little update. I have moved home and the move went find but the finding a job part has been stressful. I still after a month don't have a job but, at the same time my mood has dipped. I became frustrated with the system and decided to reach out for help to find providers. That was a smart decision. I still don't have providers but I'm getting help and information.
This place that I was at was based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Which takes a lot of effort... but so does life!!
Today we discussed Relapse Prevention. I identified some of my triggers from guilt, shame, depression, anger, Automatic Negative Thinking (ANTs), feeling sexually stimulated, feeling like I'm nothing, stress and the feeling of "why try", all of these are internal triggers for me. External ranged from, texts from people that I have used with, seeing a device that I used, Location, attractive people, feeling others stress, loud noises, messages on Kik, and certain websites. And that was just the first page..... I found more triggers on the back. Anniversary date of July 4th when this depressed mood started, too much to do, feeling overwhelmed, family friction, end of or start of relationship, spending time alone, being judged criticized teased or put done by self or others, financial stress, physical illness, being yelled at, being around someone who has treated me badly, frightening news events, and certain people, places, and events. Anther trigger is feeling like I am different. Then I had to come up with a plan for some of these. for the ANTs I can try and flip them after identifying them. If I am mistreated then I can leave or learn how to speak up. Boredom, I can find something to do, write as much as I have to learn something, go to the library. If I get stuck in thought then I can blog or write in a journal. One way to get SOBER is to Stop, Observe body Breath, Expand my awareness, Respond in a healthy way. I can also meditate or focus on my breathing or a scent to find calm and safety.
Thought Record of the primary problem.
WARNING Only read if you are safe, and in a good spot. This was a long day for me and I had to use some relaxation methods to de-stress.
Situation: Voices telling me to die.
Automatic Thoughts: I am never going to get better; I am worthless; I am doomed; I should have done something different; I don't desire to live; If people knew they would place me inpatient; I can't tell no one, no one can help; I must die; I hate myself.
Feelings. and how intense: Alarmed 10, impatient 5; concerned 10, perturbed 8 provoked 7
Thought Distortions present: all or nothing thinking, Jumping to conclusions, emotional reasoning, rationalization, unfair social comparisons.
Adapted/ Realistic thoughts: I will work to get better; others see my worth; I feel hope; I can do more today It's in the past; I deserve to live and thrive; I can tell people as long as I don't have an exact plan and they can help; People can relate; I feel like I can try; I feel loved and accepted; I have something to offer. After going through this again it's helping.....
As for feelings I fell repulsed by the automatic thoughts. Justified, rejected, discarded, troubled, foggy, unsure, skeptical, shaken and anxious. But no after typing this up I feel more relaxed.
Then again this is the THIRD time I am going through this. I did the back of the worksheet and discovered a few new things. When I asked some questions I found out that I have no boundaries, and that I need to change and the desire to change is low. Voices think I am worthless, and getting bullied and the boom scares are what's caused all these feelings of self doubt. I did realize that the voices are not me. I now feel Uplifted, Perplexed and hateful of voices.
At the end they have us reflect on the day and now after writing this my mood has gone up. I have hope that as long as I say these realistic thoughts more then I can rewire my mind.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
19 Days
I made it 19 days!! That's the most in a while without acting out sexually. Then why do I feel so empty after using.......Because that's the Addiction Cycle!! I'm new to a new city, and I feel so alone where I am living. It's easier when my mom is home but when dad is around it's hard. The big difference is that he sleeps during the day. But in reality I haven't been honest.
Today, being honest I start a new day. I am a Sex and Codependent addict! I love to be around people but my happiness is based on theirs. How can I be happy if I don't feel happy by myself? I have been thinking about what to do and once again suicide came up. and I just moved to a new town to try and escape this..... Well I'm finding out that I can't escape it. So now, after feeling like crap, I seek a change. But what type of change? Who can guide me? What do I need to do?
Then I started to really think... Who am I kidding.... I'm not thinking I'm just wanting a way out. I'm looking back, Just like Lot's Wife!!
You see, I have a bachelor's degree despite everything that I have been through. I have been through countless anxiety attacks and suicidal thinking and addiction. Oh and recently diagnosed with Autism.... Really ME?! I have been through a lot and now I feel like God wants me to turn to Him. HE LEFT ME!!! I was still studying the scriptures and praying and He left!! NO!!!! I lost the ability to think. I am a codependent!! I rely on others way to much and it's hurting me. So now I'm being asked to rely on one more person when the World has left me repeatedly!! There is tons of fear, and not enough faith. Faith is like Love, It's abundant there is always enough. Do I really think that there is not enough for me?? Not enough in me??
This week I'm trying and experiment. I'm a scientific woman so here is what I aim to do....
Spiritual repair
Each day I will start off like this:
1 chapter in the scriptures
2 Daily meditations
1 journal entry prayer
Or is that too much?? No, it's not. I have a lot of time and I need to use it for good things. I need to start to schedule my day, that would help with the depression. I'm headed down the depression spiral... I need a way out... May this be the way out this time and forever.
Today, being honest I start a new day. I am a Sex and Codependent addict! I love to be around people but my happiness is based on theirs. How can I be happy if I don't feel happy by myself? I have been thinking about what to do and once again suicide came up. and I just moved to a new town to try and escape this..... Well I'm finding out that I can't escape it. So now, after feeling like crap, I seek a change. But what type of change? Who can guide me? What do I need to do?
Then I started to really think... Who am I kidding.... I'm not thinking I'm just wanting a way out. I'm looking back, Just like Lot's Wife!!
You see, I have a bachelor's degree despite everything that I have been through. I have been through countless anxiety attacks and suicidal thinking and addiction. Oh and recently diagnosed with Autism.... Really ME?! I have been through a lot and now I feel like God wants me to turn to Him. HE LEFT ME!!! I was still studying the scriptures and praying and He left!! NO!!!! I lost the ability to think. I am a codependent!! I rely on others way to much and it's hurting me. So now I'm being asked to rely on one more person when the World has left me repeatedly!! There is tons of fear, and not enough faith. Faith is like Love, It's abundant there is always enough. Do I really think that there is not enough for me?? Not enough in me??
This week I'm trying and experiment. I'm a scientific woman so here is what I aim to do....
Spiritual repair
Each day I will start off like this:
1 chapter in the scriptures
2 Daily meditations
1 journal entry prayer
Or is that too much?? No, it's not. I have a lot of time and I need to use it for good things. I need to start to schedule my day, that would help with the depression. I'm headed down the depression spiral... I need a way out... May this be the way out this time and forever.
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
After a rough 3 weeks
3 weeks ago today I was calling to get the car insurance claim started... Here I am today with still no word. I did call the company and got some movement on it.... an adjuster will be coming out soon.... but it took 3 weeks for them to do this. Was that necessary!! Come on people just communicate!
In a few days I will find out what or if my car can be fixed. At this point I think its totaled.
Then on Thursday I found out some other news. My health insurance has decided to not cover my therapist.... therefore I have to pay for it out of pocket....Or find another way to pay for it.... What a blow!!!! After 5 years of seeing the same office but different therapist. Not to mention this one that I am seeing has experience for my specific addiction, and she is well versed in EMDR.
I hope I can find a way to continue to see her!!!
After I found out, I kinda freaked out a bit... well a lot. I thought about death again and ended up in the hospital. It was a good thing. It got me to a safe place and got me some actual good help. The classes weren't just the same thing that I had heard over and over... it included new things, with real life examples of people that had turned their life around. And learned a bit about self-criticism and self-compassion. That was the best thing that I got out of it. I am a self-critic. and I need to learn how to be more compassionate.
I am very hard on myself and need to take a bit of humility. I am way to proud and it's because of the things that I am doing...... I am an addict!! I need to learn humility. But I honestly don't know how.
I have a lot to learn but first I need to ask for financial help. I need to get over myself and admit that I need help that I can't do it by myself. I'm not earning enough and honestly I am in a world of hurt. I have a lot to overcome but mostly I have a lot to do and lots to figure out.
In a few days I will find out what or if my car can be fixed. At this point I think its totaled.
Then on Thursday I found out some other news. My health insurance has decided to not cover my therapist.... therefore I have to pay for it out of pocket....Or find another way to pay for it.... What a blow!!!! After 5 years of seeing the same office but different therapist. Not to mention this one that I am seeing has experience for my specific addiction, and she is well versed in EMDR.
I hope I can find a way to continue to see her!!!
After I found out, I kinda freaked out a bit... well a lot. I thought about death again and ended up in the hospital. It was a good thing. It got me to a safe place and got me some actual good help. The classes weren't just the same thing that I had heard over and over... it included new things, with real life examples of people that had turned their life around. And learned a bit about self-criticism and self-compassion. That was the best thing that I got out of it. I am a self-critic. and I need to learn how to be more compassionate.
I am very hard on myself and need to take a bit of humility. I am way to proud and it's because of the things that I am doing...... I am an addict!! I need to learn humility. But I honestly don't know how.
I have a lot to learn but first I need to ask for financial help. I need to get over myself and admit that I need help that I can't do it by myself. I'm not earning enough and honestly I am in a world of hurt. I have a lot to overcome but mostly I have a lot to do and lots to figure out.
Monday, June 20, 2016
Is hope gone?
My hope just left.... Am I too far gone?
I was recently diagnosed with Depression with Psychosis, PTSD, ADHD, and Autism High Functioning. And one that the DSM 5 doesn't recognize... sex addiction.
I don't know what I am doing anymore. Is hope even there.
Can't I just have one less problem?
Oh and I have 2 classes to finish... and I have meetings for my addiction that I can't make it to.
How can I fix me?? I can't do this alone and I feel like I'm doing it all by myself. Who can help me??
Saturday, June 4, 2016
What a week
This week has been a week of HELL!!! I have seen the effects of porn and sex addiction and I don't like it.I see what it does to people and to myself... it's disgusting!! Which means that what I am doing is disgusting.... Notice this isn't shame based language but acknowledging a fact that the lifestyle is disgusting!!
My physical body has suffered this week, I didn't get into the gym as much as I needed. and that resulted in belching.... Now I took time for myself today and I haven't belched yet... I feel good. Yet I'm disgusted with my behavior. I have deleted countless phone numbers, and put blocking software on my devices so I can't look at those HIDEOUS websites. Its truly an addiction for me. and It's time to say it...
I need relationships, honest true non-sexual relationships. I want a world where I can speak up about all this filth.
Over the past few days I have found countless meeting but I enjoy those that are in person better.. but I work during those meetings.... I need a sponsor.
2. It's all I think about and I have so much more I can do for this world
3. My relationships have become messed up!!
4. I need to keep depression, and anxiety low, and that requires me to workout 5 days a week.
5. I want to stay off medications and the best way to do that is to change my behavior
6. This change is for me... no one else
7. I look over at a Temple picture and I want to go inside and feel of that close relationship with my God
8. I want to protect others from this harmful effect.... oh wait that one is about others not me.
Is that all I can come up with??
Physical and mental effects of MY addiction
decreased need for food
decreased need to exercise
increased negative thoughts
Belching from anxiety
Social impacts
Deceased desire for actual true friends
decreased ability to talk to people
increase in knowledge and better able to regulate emotions in front of others
Is there more?? Yes but that's what I can think of right now.
Is this change for me or for God??
I can't see me doing this anymore it's not what I want... I want a true relationship that has passion and excitement that keeps me going, and one that supports me in my needs and I support them in their needs. I don't have that... because of who I am now... I need to change for me.
My physical body has suffered this week, I didn't get into the gym as much as I needed. and that resulted in belching.... Now I took time for myself today and I haven't belched yet... I feel good. Yet I'm disgusted with my behavior. I have deleted countless phone numbers, and put blocking software on my devices so I can't look at those HIDEOUS websites. Its truly an addiction for me. and It's time to say it...
I am a Sex and Pornography addict. I use sex and pornography to change the way I feel.
I have hurt so many people. Can I forgive myself? How do I forgive myself? Most importantly I need to work on forgiving myself.I need relationships, honest true non-sexual relationships. I want a world where I can speak up about all this filth.
Over the past few days I have found countless meeting but I enjoy those that are in person better.. but I work during those meetings.... I need a sponsor.
Reasons why I want to change my behavior and thoughts
1. I need to finish my classes in time... and I'm behind2. It's all I think about and I have so much more I can do for this world
3. My relationships have become messed up!!
4. I need to keep depression, and anxiety low, and that requires me to workout 5 days a week.
5. I want to stay off medications and the best way to do that is to change my behavior
6. This change is for me... no one else
7. I look over at a Temple picture and I want to go inside and feel of that close relationship with my God
8. I want to protect others from this harmful effect.... oh wait that one is about others not me.
Is that all I can come up with??
Physical and mental effects of MY addiction
decreased need for food
decreased need to exercise
increased negative thoughts
Belching from anxiety
Social impacts
Deceased desire for actual true friends
decreased ability to talk to people
increase in knowledge and better able to regulate emotions in front of others
Is there more?? Yes but that's what I can think of right now.
Is this change for me or for God??
I can't see me doing this anymore it's not what I want... I want a true relationship that has passion and excitement that keeps me going, and one that supports me in my needs and I support them in their needs. I don't have that... because of who I am now... I need to change for me.
Wednesday, June 1, 2016
Day One... Again
I had a lapse in judgement. This wasn't a RElapse, but just a lapse. There's a difference in my mind. Let me explain about my life. A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend. Then I found out a bit more and became so mad at myself for being a sex addict, because I believe he is one too. I became so angry at him for hurting her that I took it out on myself. I didn't talk it out like I should have. I logged on to my phone and started my addictive cycle. I'm still very upset at myself for getting this far. I found that my triggers affect my behavior, and that my thoughts change my compulsions. Needless to say I failed to get things accomplished this weekend and spent a lot of time in addiction. It was the thrill of finding some sexual partner that kept me going. I'm glad to say I have no taken myself off those websites and can't get on them anymore. Thanks Mobile Fence you are a LifeSaver.
I even did something positive this morning and went for a 35 minute walk at the gym. And now I'm writing about my experience for others to learn how situations affect our addictions. It's not just about the behavior.
I spoke with my therapist yesterday and we came up with what happened before, it was very helpful to see how emotional I had become over my friend. Because she meet someone who I had seen online and then some of the other behaviors that I found out angered me.
My Plan to keep myself busy
1. Keep my bedroom door OPEN, unless asleep
2. Schedule my time through Google Calendar on my phone
3. Write something every DAY!!
4. Stay up on assignments given by my therapist
5. Read as much as I can to learn more about how I can handle this addiction.
6. Use meditation and prayer and scripture study DAILY
7. Work hard and keep up on paperwork
That should protect me for 3+ months. I need 3 months of celibacy but... no, no, no, buts!!
I have taken precautions on my phone and have reset things. The only way I will have access to.. Oh wait with my plan I limit everything!!!
I have learned a ton in this experience and have fallen but I hope that God will be there to pick me up and carry me through this hard time. I know he will, if I come to Him!!
Yesterday I hit ROCK BOTTOM!! I don't want to go back to that again!!
I even did something positive this morning and went for a 35 minute walk at the gym. And now I'm writing about my experience for others to learn how situations affect our addictions. It's not just about the behavior.
I spoke with my therapist yesterday and we came up with what happened before, it was very helpful to see how emotional I had become over my friend. Because she meet someone who I had seen online and then some of the other behaviors that I found out angered me.
My Plan to keep myself busy
1. Keep my bedroom door OPEN, unless asleep
2. Schedule my time through Google Calendar on my phone
3. Write something every DAY!!
4. Stay up on assignments given by my therapist
5. Read as much as I can to learn more about how I can handle this addiction.
6. Use meditation and prayer and scripture study DAILY
7. Work hard and keep up on paperwork
That should protect me for 3+ months. I need 3 months of celibacy but... no, no, no, buts!!
I have taken precautions on my phone and have reset things. The only way I will have access to.. Oh wait with my plan I limit everything!!!
I have learned a ton in this experience and have fallen but I hope that God will be there to pick me up and carry me through this hard time. I know he will, if I come to Him!!
Yesterday I hit ROCK BOTTOM!! I don't want to go back to that again!!
Sunday, May 29, 2016
He Restorth My Soul
I was reading this book and came to a part that I wanted to share about.
Goals
I have set countless goals that say this....
"I will remain clean for one month" Does this actually happen???!! NO
It has been pointed out that I need to change my goals to going to meetings, reading addiction books, making phone calls. This particular book goes through what I need to do.
I need to use affirmations! To help to reprogram my brain away from lust.
I'm doing well on self care except for reading the scriptures.... oops
I need to set boundaries for my addiction but I need help with those so I will turn to others to find out what could work for me.
I found some phone meetings that I can do and I am going to try to speak up and get to know people. But I'm scared. It's something to surrender to God. I am imperfect! And in need of others help and support. It's time to let go of lust.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Day four
I missed a day... oops. I got really busy and ran out of time. But the good things is the fact that I stayed focused, but I failed to get a few things done yesterday... oops. I feel a bit out of place today and a bit out of focus....then I thought well maybe it would help if I sat down and blogged a bit...
But my focus is everywhere!!!! Maybe its the music.... so I'll change the music from hip hop to instrumental.... with a commercial... Grrrrrrr
I did a 40 minute workout today and ran for 1 minute intervals... I'm super excited!!!
Life is going to get super busy and I wonder how I'll have time for myself.... I'm really concerned about the increased hours but really excited to pick peoples' brains... I have an opportunity to shadow a few in my new field and ask them questions about what they are doing and such. Its going to be exciting. Oh well Time to move on to reading some material on addiction... where to start??
I was planning on starting with Addiction Recovery Program book but, I already know that God will bring me back to spiritual health, if I ask for His help and overcome my pride. Today will be a bit different... I'll read from He Restorth My Soul...
I still don't feel like I can pray. Why is that?? I feel that no one is listening, yet its' God's way of connecting and building a relationship...I am surrounded by books and I'm not sure what I need to do... I have three classes to complete in 90 days and the days are counting down but my focus today is not good... What do I do... I feel like He is upset at me, is it true or is it just me thinking that I haven't forgiven myself yet for the acts that have brought me to this point... Which is it??
Since I don't know, I'll think about it and just continue on...
God, I commit myself to one more day of sexual sobriety. No sex with myself or anyone else other than my spouse, no pornography or anything like it, from now until this same time tomorrow. I surrender my character defects and shortcomings to become a better individual, who can better manage life. I surrender today laziness, I will stay busy for this day, as I know that thou would have me do. Staying busy is the key to helping me in my sexual sobriety. Thank you
Heavenly Father, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single character defect which stands in my way of my usefulness to You and my fellow beings. Grand me strength as I go out from here, to do Your bidding.
But my focus is everywhere!!!! Maybe its the music.... so I'll change the music from hip hop to instrumental.... with a commercial... Grrrrrrr
I did a 40 minute workout today and ran for 1 minute intervals... I'm super excited!!!
Life is going to get super busy and I wonder how I'll have time for myself.... I'm really concerned about the increased hours but really excited to pick peoples' brains... I have an opportunity to shadow a few in my new field and ask them questions about what they are doing and such. Its going to be exciting. Oh well Time to move on to reading some material on addiction... where to start??
I was planning on starting with Addiction Recovery Program book but, I already know that God will bring me back to spiritual health, if I ask for His help and overcome my pride. Today will be a bit different... I'll read from He Restorth My Soul...
I still don't feel like I can pray. Why is that?? I feel that no one is listening, yet its' God's way of connecting and building a relationship...I am surrounded by books and I'm not sure what I need to do... I have three classes to complete in 90 days and the days are counting down but my focus today is not good... What do I do... I feel like He is upset at me, is it true or is it just me thinking that I haven't forgiven myself yet for the acts that have brought me to this point... Which is it??
Since I don't know, I'll think about it and just continue on...
God, I commit myself to one more day of sexual sobriety. No sex with myself or anyone else other than my spouse, no pornography or anything like it, from now until this same time tomorrow. I surrender my character defects and shortcomings to become a better individual, who can better manage life. I surrender today laziness, I will stay busy for this day, as I know that thou would have me do. Staying busy is the key to helping me in my sexual sobriety. Thank you
Heavenly Father, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single character defect which stands in my way of my usefulness to You and my fellow beings. Grand me strength as I go out from here, to do Your bidding.
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
Day Two
I got an opportunity to develop my career!!! I'm so excited!!!
That's the good news, and I get over 40 hours for a few weeks... So that means getting up earlier to get things done. I think... still not sure yet.
Things are falling into place. Now I take another step into recovery this morning. I again enter into another contract with the God of my understanding.
God, I commit myself to one more day of sexual sobriety. No sex with myself or anyone else, no pornography or anything like it, form now until this same time tomorrow.
I have so much to do in 90 days.. well 87 days now, I have to complete all three classes and still maintain great quality in everything that I do. I must still include doing this everyday to aid me in my recovery from addiction.
That's the good news, and I get over 40 hours for a few weeks... So that means getting up earlier to get things done. I think... still not sure yet.
Things are falling into place. Now I take another step into recovery this morning. I again enter into another contract with the God of my understanding.
God, I commit myself to one more day of sexual sobriety. No sex with myself or anyone else, no pornography or anything like it, form now until this same time tomorrow.
I have so much to do in 90 days.. well 87 days now, I have to complete all three classes and still maintain great quality in everything that I do. I must still include doing this everyday to aid me in my recovery from addiction.
Monday, May 23, 2016
Day One
My Commitment to Recovery from Sex Addiction
The last few months have been filled with many people but one general sadness of one that I have forgotten to include. This blog will be a daily journal of the prayer, and recovery work that I now seek to do. My therapist gave me a "Daily Sobriety Contract" This is between my God of my understanding and myself, but I seek to bring many others in to help them to see the good work that God is doing in my life and the lives of others around me.
Confession: I have cheated!! I'm single and yet I've still cheated on my future husband.. This is serious work, and I intend to do it. Today I start the rest of my journey in recovery.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I'm a sinner, just like every imperfect human on this planet. I need God's love and support nor more than ever. I was reading the introduction of "LDS Family Services: Addiction Recovery Program" and it states, "We have known great sorrow, but we have seen the power of the Savior turn our most devastating defects into glorious spiritual victories. We who once lived with daily depression, anxiety, fear and debilitating anger now experience joy and peace. We have witnessed miracles in our own lives and in the lives of others who were ensnared in addiction." I now seek the joy and peace that others have felt!!! I am excited to begin this new journey but very nervous to give up my character weaknesses...
But weaknesses can become strength!!!
I pray that I may be able to find what I am seeking, and that I may be able to be a better person. God, grant me the serenity to go throughout the day with less stress, and more joy!
I am very busy but I can't be too busy for this. My life depends on this....
Now my Daily Commitment to Recovery
God, I commit myself to one more day of sexual sobriety. No sex with myself or anyone else, no pornography or anything like it, from now until this same time tomorrow! I also ask that you help me to become clean again this day and always. That I may feel of your power and commitment to me and that I may be able to give up my character weaknesses when I am ready and thee is ready to assist me. I should mention, I am now trying to come back, please accept me as I am and make me stronger today until this time tomorrow when I ask thee again!
As of today I am decreasing medication, I am feeling very nervous and anxious but I know that through meditation and through deep study of spiritual things that I can heal!
In the last week I have felt that I have cheated on my future husband, and doing so has brought much, no great amounts of sadness. I know how important the law of Chastity is, its a protection not a rule.
I also am starting to go to a recovery meeting, reaching out to others that I may be healed from this addiction. Now I ask you to join me in my study.
I am not only a sex addict but a Co-Dependent!
I now need to heal and be open and honest with those around me.
Key Principle: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
I am not only a sex addict, and co-dependent but addicted to shopping. I seek to heal from all of these by living the program and finding others to help me.
Action Steps
Become willing to abstain
To abstain means "restrain oneself from doing or enjoying something" (from https://www.google.com/?ion=1&espv=2#q=abstain%20definition ) But to abstain is not enough I must ask for assistance in this every day. I must seek to change my thinking pattern.
Let go of pride and seek humility
What does that mean to me?? It means simply seeking to let go and let God. A movie comes to mind, "God's Not Dead" where God is defended and supported where people humbly seek Him.
Admit the problem: seek help: attend meetings
Right now my job prevents me from going to most meetings but I can still seek recovery and help through various different resources. He has given me a powerful one, and it's prayer, but not only that He has given me the ability to think and to write out what I think for more power in helping me to let go of the problems.
Three Addictions
I have three addictions! I finally said it, and I need help on all three of them, but first I will seek to gain a relationship with God. Thee best way to do that is to study His words and become closer to Him. I looked back at my first step and I am now wanting to do the program again to really seek help and understanding of this new life.
Thanks for reading this and stay tune to tomorrow for more on my journey with God!
The last few months have been filled with many people but one general sadness of one that I have forgotten to include. This blog will be a daily journal of the prayer, and recovery work that I now seek to do. My therapist gave me a "Daily Sobriety Contract" This is between my God of my understanding and myself, but I seek to bring many others in to help them to see the good work that God is doing in my life and the lives of others around me.
Confession: I have cheated!! I'm single and yet I've still cheated on my future husband.. This is serious work, and I intend to do it. Today I start the rest of my journey in recovery.
I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I'm a sinner, just like every imperfect human on this planet. I need God's love and support nor more than ever. I was reading the introduction of "LDS Family Services: Addiction Recovery Program" and it states, "We have known great sorrow, but we have seen the power of the Savior turn our most devastating defects into glorious spiritual victories. We who once lived with daily depression, anxiety, fear and debilitating anger now experience joy and peace. We have witnessed miracles in our own lives and in the lives of others who were ensnared in addiction." I now seek the joy and peace that others have felt!!! I am excited to begin this new journey but very nervous to give up my character weaknesses...
But weaknesses can become strength!!!
I pray that I may be able to find what I am seeking, and that I may be able to be a better person. God, grant me the serenity to go throughout the day with less stress, and more joy!
I am very busy but I can't be too busy for this. My life depends on this....
Now my Daily Commitment to Recovery
God, I commit myself to one more day of sexual sobriety. No sex with myself or anyone else, no pornography or anything like it, from now until this same time tomorrow! I also ask that you help me to become clean again this day and always. That I may feel of your power and commitment to me and that I may be able to give up my character weaknesses when I am ready and thee is ready to assist me. I should mention, I am now trying to come back, please accept me as I am and make me stronger today until this time tomorrow when I ask thee again!
As of today I am decreasing medication, I am feeling very nervous and anxious but I know that through meditation and through deep study of spiritual things that I can heal!
In the last week I have felt that I have cheated on my future husband, and doing so has brought much, no great amounts of sadness. I know how important the law of Chastity is, its a protection not a rule.
I also am starting to go to a recovery meeting, reaching out to others that I may be healed from this addiction. Now I ask you to join me in my study.
I am not only a sex addict but a Co-Dependent!
I now need to heal and be open and honest with those around me.
Key Principle: Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable.
I am not only a sex addict, and co-dependent but addicted to shopping. I seek to heal from all of these by living the program and finding others to help me.
Action Steps
Become willing to abstain
To abstain means "restrain oneself from doing or enjoying something" (from https://www.google.com/?ion=1&espv=2#q=abstain%20definition ) But to abstain is not enough I must ask for assistance in this every day. I must seek to change my thinking pattern.
Let go of pride and seek humility
What does that mean to me?? It means simply seeking to let go and let God. A movie comes to mind, "God's Not Dead" where God is defended and supported where people humbly seek Him.
Admit the problem: seek help: attend meetings
Right now my job prevents me from going to most meetings but I can still seek recovery and help through various different resources. He has given me a powerful one, and it's prayer, but not only that He has given me the ability to think and to write out what I think for more power in helping me to let go of the problems.
Three Addictions
I have three addictions! I finally said it, and I need help on all three of them, but first I will seek to gain a relationship with God. Thee best way to do that is to study His words and become closer to Him. I looked back at my first step and I am now wanting to do the program again to really seek help and understanding of this new life.
Thanks for reading this and stay tune to tomorrow for more on my journey with God!
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
I feel connected
I'm actually connected with life right now. What I mean is that I am engaged in good things. This is huge for me. I'm trying to find myself again. It will be hard but the work must be done.
Monday, May 16, 2016
I feel alone
Is there anyone to talk too? Can I get out of this? I've been reading a lot and trying to absorb the information but it's hard, I don't know what I'm doing.
Monday, May 9, 2016
Follow your Heart?!
What does my heart say? How can I follow something that is so miss leading.....???
Achieving starts with believing
I'm so lost, it's not even funny, or fun anymore....
ABC's
I've been encouraged to learn my ABC's...... so here's mine from today....
Antecedent: No contact with boyfriend for 8 days despite trying....
Behavior: Suicidal thinking
Consequence: Feeling like crap and having a migraine that turned ugly.
Antecedent: having a crappy night from a migraine
Behavior: Feeling like I'm going to faint
Consequence: Not being able to do a full workout and feel better...... result.... Writing this.
These may not seem significant but when suicidal thinking comes up everything gets real.
Right now I am trying to follow my heart, and right now, it's split between many things. This isn't good for me, or for any one....
I struggle with addiction and not addiction, just life.
I struggle with depression but is it the situation??
I struggle with self-esteem but is it just normal stuff that is just more exposed than normal due to years of study....
So how do I follow my heart?
When my heart doesn't know where to turn too?
I know what my family is telling me but, what's right for me?? I can write words but they don't make a lot of sense when I read them......How can I remember what I read better??
There are so many questions and right now so little answers. What if the real thing is to just try?
Then there's the question what in the world do I want to try??
I feel like I need to run an experiment, but I don't know what experiment to run?!
5 minutes later......
After a bit of crying and talking to another trying to get my mind off all this crap... and then it hits me. Why not finish and complete the work associated with a book... and truly let him restore me and see what happens. All I know is I'm not happy, I'm sad that my boyfriend hasn't texted, and I'm a bit concerned about the relationship. I also am concerned about the living space that I'm in.... there's so much shame... so what's really important today... Today I have work at least that will take my mind off things, to a point. Maybe I should just read the book, and see if I can get any tips for this coming Sunday.
Saturday, April 30, 2016
What do I say??
This is just an update, I don't want to do this. I need to tell someone the truth, yet the truth hurts. Honestly I need to tell many people the truth..... but how much do I say?? It's 11:30pm, and I want to sleep.... but this isn't going away. What do I say when I don't want to stay with a church that judges. I understand that we need consequences but if there was love, then why would we judge? This just doesn't make sense.
Am I a sex addict?
I searched and found a sex addiction quiz.... I took this and found out that on this I scored a 10 out of 20. Most sex addicts are at level 6.... I'm on the verge of being non and clinical. So is this a problem for me? I look at my spending.... I've spent money on sexual things but is it normal... According to my family I should have no interest in sex... it's suppose to be a big secret. Yet, in the real world, It's not a secret, it should have been protected... but for me it was a secret.
With scoring half way and discovering that it's not clinical.... I feel like one sexual partner could solve the problem. But what does that mean for me??
Time will tell.........
Am I a sex addict?
I searched and found a sex addiction quiz.... I took this and found out that on this I scored a 10 out of 20. Most sex addicts are at level 6.... I'm on the verge of being non and clinical. So is this a problem for me? I look at my spending.... I've spent money on sexual things but is it normal... According to my family I should have no interest in sex... it's suppose to be a big secret. Yet, in the real world, It's not a secret, it should have been protected... but for me it was a secret.
With scoring half way and discovering that it's not clinical.... I feel like one sexual partner could solve the problem. But what does that mean for me??
Time will tell.........
Saturday, February 20, 2016
What do I do???? What do I choose
The time has come that I need to choose. Do I choose to live, or do I choose destruction? Do I choose family or do I choose a life that I hate?
What does living mean to me??
Simply put living means having friends, doing what's right... how do I know what's right anymore....I'm being controlled by Satan.... the Devil!! I have no choose now, but I do have one last choice. I can choose to live. But does it really mean having friends, or does it mean more of having a life that I am excited everyday.
There has been so much happening this past 2 weeks, I've been in withdrawal mode, from a sex addiction. That's right, it's been 2 weeks!!!!! I should celebrate... but I don't feel like celebrating. I have so much on my plate that it's hard to even think straight.
I have 2 weeks of my class to catch up on and only 48 hours to do it in... along with not trying to.......... do anything stupid. I just heard from my sister that she is worried that she will be the one that would find me if I decide to die. I've thought about it openly... and now..... I don't know what I want..... everyone keeps asking what I want, and I just want to say, SCREW EVERYTHING!!!!
Have I given up?? Maybe... but I'm the only one that can change this. and I'm not so sure that I want to change. Yet I'm being forced to change..... Or am I... just forcing myself.
I have several addictions that are taking over my life.... An addiction to checking out a lot of books and then not reading them.... An addiction to masturbation... and an addiction to having multiple partners. I hate myself!!!!!
How can I even choose to love myself??
People tell me that it is a choice... I have to choose. One my room is an absolute MESS!!! and it symbolizes how I feel about my life...
I've lost interest in a bunch of things... What I need is a long term treatment center for those that don't know who they are....
Yet I do know this, I'm a daughter of my Father in Heaven. And He Loves ME... No matter what I have done, he will accept me back, if I ask for forgiveness.
So I write a letter to myself... then rephrase everything into something positive.
Dear Self,
I hate your guts. I hate everything that you do. You give up on everything, when the going gets tough. And yet, you want to die, because you have given up on what really matters. Do you want this life of misery??
Self
Now for the rephrase......
Dear Self,
I love you. I love everything you start, especially when they don't get done. You start many projects and finish the ones that you believe in. And yet you want to LIVE, because you feel that life is worth living and dreaming of something better. Do you want a life of happiness???
Self
There... two letters.... I like the rephrase better. I think I need to do self-compassion letters until things start to sink in that I need to love myself.... This will be hard, but I will read them to many people and get feedback on how to become more self-compassionate, and rethink how I feel. I will first right a letter of anger to get things out, then rephrase that letter and learn how to become more compassionate to myself.
Over the past 6 months I have been with a dozen or so guys, and 1 woman. I don't remember them, and I don't want to. I want to forget and forgive. Today, I let it out....I'm a female sex addict, seeking recovery!!!! I have a sponsor, I have therapists, I have family, I have friends, do I really need a treatment center?? Is it what I want?? Or is it something that I feel like I need to be put away from, as a punishment. What if I just work really hard, and cut down the amount I sleep to get everything done. I have a freaking lot to do.... but what's really important to me??
Right now, I am freaking out, and I need a break!!!! I need to work on me... but I have no time for that. so I stay up late writing this and trying to keep my head on straight... but I'm so tired. Tired of all this crap!! So am I wanting to change to get away from the crap?? What type of life do I want for me??
So many questions, and so few answers...My main purpose for school was to get a loan to cover my addiction costs....I knew it was wrong, but I didn't care.... now I'm paying for that choose by putting in work into something that I'm not sure if I even want to do??
What's important to me???
Family is important but I pushed them far away.
No wonder why I'm depressed, I shoved the most important thing in my life for family!!
I pushed the relationship with my Father away when I went on vacation. Because I felt like I couldn't do what I wanted, that it is always about everyone else, and not about me.....
I'm petrified of doing what I feel is right... I would rather die. yet at the same time, I hate how I'm living, I hate how I feel. I hate me!!! I hate how much pain I have caused others... I hate how much pain I have been in. Will the pain ever disappear??
I was challenged today... and what I got out of it is this.... After all this week's conversations...
DO or do NOT there is no Try!!
Be the real you, unafraid of what people will think
Its your life... It's your CHOICE!!!
Choose for yourself... NO ONE will choose for you.
Those 4 things mean a lot to me. so now what is my choice??
So tonight I choose!!! I choose to have the spirit with me at all times... in all places... in all situations, as long as I'm worthy... so I need to change... I have faith in myself and in God that I can do this. I may need to change things but I can't be afraid to try!!! No to DO!!!
I'm sorry if I have hurt you, I may not know the depth of your pain, but I do know who much it affects me, and you. We are a team!! There is no I in team.
I don't know who I have hurt, and I hope they will come forward, because I can't read your mind. I have broken a law of God!! I feel that I need to be punished... but I've suffered enough. It's time to let grace work for me!! and Let Justice be taken care of by a loving God.
My priorities have been messed UP!!! I have chosen SEX over having what I really want.... I've given up relationships because I don't like who I am... now it is time to start liking myself, and changing myself for the better....
After all this I need to be more self-compassionate...
But most of all I need to come clean about all the behavior that has gone on... even if I choose not to remember each time... It was my choose to hide from the pain in sex.
I was hurt from a young age, and started to stick toys inside my vagina, I didn't know what it was called, but I did it anyway, this continued for a while, I was discovering my body, until I was told that wasn't appropriate, but it's how I soothed myself with the move away from family.. I had been hurt, I didn't want to leave my friends, I had a bad attitude. I let it affect me... then I discovered that I could see what others private parts looked like, I was curious, but then I was yelled at, for something that was so innocent. I started to hide that behavior, and then my toy got taken away after my mom thought I didn't need the toys. I always resented her for that. Then I found a friend that would play truth or dare and discovered that Ice inside felt nice, and playing with her was fun. I never thought it would affect me years later.... She was my best friend, we didn't touch each other but we did let each other view what we stuck inside us... mainly ice. Then one day, something happened, and I was forced to say good bye to this friend... oh yea she moved away.... I felt sad, then I found another group of friends, and that seemed to help, but then one day my family left on vacation and I lost my friends, and I resented my parents for taking me away, even if it was short.. back then the internet wasn't a big deal. and there were no cell phones... Yes I know I'm old?! That trip I felt things that I never thought I would feel, I didn't want to leave the connection and the visual representation of the martyrdom of a prophet. I remember that day, then we had to leave, and I left something that day, I left myself there, and watched her die!!
I came back and wanted to feel that love that joy, that peace, and couldn't find it, the scriptures meant nothing...I couldn't think straight, and I thought of death while helping a customer.... I then told my friend and he wanted to stay longer to talk but he left me... that day I did something that he never forgot... I didn't call him to tell him I was safe. That day I lost my best friend... ever since then I have lost relationships... never seeing the good. I see a loss as a regret of why couldn't I have done that better, instead of it was their time to move on to another to help them. I would always have their memories in my head, but new associations would come next but I hung onto those people and didn't want to let them go... until I let God go from my life... Then I think, what's my problem?!
My problem is this... I don't want to let people go, I want them to stay with me, but that's not the case. They are needed to help others, and so am I, I must now let go of the past, and cling to the present.
This addiction well... after everything that I have typed it's clear to me that it was a wake up call... It was the way to see that I matter to my Father!! Like every child matters to their father. I need to start waking up earlier, full of energy, and get going.... I have so much on my plate.. I have a paper to write and assignments to catch up on. I know that there is work in the days ahead, and I know that I need to see and feel what life is really about.. I need to stay in class, and accept the challenges of not only cleaning up my room, but my life. I need to push to stay on an outpatient bases. Because I believe in ME!! I don't do this alone... I have many to help me. so here's my plan...
The next 48 hours will be spent like this....
Sleep until 6am (and it's 12:30am now)
Then get up and start typing on my paper, reading and remembering everything that I have learned.
Work on that for 2 hours
Then get up and get ready for my day, and go clean the church... then go to a meeting..
Afterwords I will come back and work on laundry and work on not watching netflix.. Yes the TV will be off as to think through what I need to get done
oh ya and I'll have lunch...
Then it will be a small 20 minute break of cleaning and back to studying. I will finish this paper and DO my best!!
Then I'll submit it and "turnitin"
Afterwords I will celebrate!!!!
Now my paper doesn't need to be complete, I can always reread it when I have a clearer head... which means submitting it on the next day if necessary. I've never done class work on Sunday until now!!
Is this plan challenging.. YES!!! but it is doable... and I can get through the paper, even if it's not in as much detail as I prefer, it's something for 20% of my grade.... This will tell me if I need to drop the class or keep going.... so I need to do my best and get it done on time. so now, it's sleep time... okay so I'll color for a bit first to calm down.. or should I just meditate... ya, I'll do that.. Oh and I'll study the scriptures... I'll study the Book of Mormon.
What does living mean to me??
Simply put living means having friends, doing what's right... how do I know what's right anymore....I'm being controlled by Satan.... the Devil!! I have no choose now, but I do have one last choice. I can choose to live. But does it really mean having friends, or does it mean more of having a life that I am excited everyday.
There has been so much happening this past 2 weeks, I've been in withdrawal mode, from a sex addiction. That's right, it's been 2 weeks!!!!! I should celebrate... but I don't feel like celebrating. I have so much on my plate that it's hard to even think straight.
I have 2 weeks of my class to catch up on and only 48 hours to do it in... along with not trying to.......... do anything stupid. I just heard from my sister that she is worried that she will be the one that would find me if I decide to die. I've thought about it openly... and now..... I don't know what I want..... everyone keeps asking what I want, and I just want to say, SCREW EVERYTHING!!!!
Have I given up?? Maybe... but I'm the only one that can change this. and I'm not so sure that I want to change. Yet I'm being forced to change..... Or am I... just forcing myself.
I have several addictions that are taking over my life.... An addiction to checking out a lot of books and then not reading them.... An addiction to masturbation... and an addiction to having multiple partners. I hate myself!!!!!
How can I even choose to love myself??
People tell me that it is a choice... I have to choose. One my room is an absolute MESS!!! and it symbolizes how I feel about my life...
I've lost interest in a bunch of things... What I need is a long term treatment center for those that don't know who they are....
Yet I do know this, I'm a daughter of my Father in Heaven. And He Loves ME... No matter what I have done, he will accept me back, if I ask for forgiveness.
So I write a letter to myself... then rephrase everything into something positive.
Dear Self,
I hate your guts. I hate everything that you do. You give up on everything, when the going gets tough. And yet, you want to die, because you have given up on what really matters. Do you want this life of misery??
Self
Now for the rephrase......
Dear Self,
I love you. I love everything you start, especially when they don't get done. You start many projects and finish the ones that you believe in. And yet you want to LIVE, because you feel that life is worth living and dreaming of something better. Do you want a life of happiness???
Self
There... two letters.... I like the rephrase better. I think I need to do self-compassion letters until things start to sink in that I need to love myself.... This will be hard, but I will read them to many people and get feedback on how to become more self-compassionate, and rethink how I feel. I will first right a letter of anger to get things out, then rephrase that letter and learn how to become more compassionate to myself.
Over the past 6 months I have been with a dozen or so guys, and 1 woman. I don't remember them, and I don't want to. I want to forget and forgive. Today, I let it out....I'm a female sex addict, seeking recovery!!!! I have a sponsor, I have therapists, I have family, I have friends, do I really need a treatment center?? Is it what I want?? Or is it something that I feel like I need to be put away from, as a punishment. What if I just work really hard, and cut down the amount I sleep to get everything done. I have a freaking lot to do.... but what's really important to me??
Right now, I am freaking out, and I need a break!!!! I need to work on me... but I have no time for that. so I stay up late writing this and trying to keep my head on straight... but I'm so tired. Tired of all this crap!! So am I wanting to change to get away from the crap?? What type of life do I want for me??
So many questions, and so few answers...My main purpose for school was to get a loan to cover my addiction costs....I knew it was wrong, but I didn't care.... now I'm paying for that choose by putting in work into something that I'm not sure if I even want to do??
What's important to me???
Family is important but I pushed them far away.
No wonder why I'm depressed, I shoved the most important thing in my life for family!!
I pushed the relationship with my Father away when I went on vacation. Because I felt like I couldn't do what I wanted, that it is always about everyone else, and not about me.....
I'm petrified of doing what I feel is right... I would rather die. yet at the same time, I hate how I'm living, I hate how I feel. I hate me!!! I hate how much pain I have caused others... I hate how much pain I have been in. Will the pain ever disappear??
I was challenged today... and what I got out of it is this.... After all this week's conversations...
DO or do NOT there is no Try!!
Be the real you, unafraid of what people will think
Its your life... It's your CHOICE!!!
Choose for yourself... NO ONE will choose for you.
Those 4 things mean a lot to me. so now what is my choice??
So tonight I choose!!! I choose to have the spirit with me at all times... in all places... in all situations, as long as I'm worthy... so I need to change... I have faith in myself and in God that I can do this. I may need to change things but I can't be afraid to try!!! No to DO!!!
I'm sorry if I have hurt you, I may not know the depth of your pain, but I do know who much it affects me, and you. We are a team!! There is no I in team.
I don't know who I have hurt, and I hope they will come forward, because I can't read your mind. I have broken a law of God!! I feel that I need to be punished... but I've suffered enough. It's time to let grace work for me!! and Let Justice be taken care of by a loving God.
My priorities have been messed UP!!! I have chosen SEX over having what I really want.... I've given up relationships because I don't like who I am... now it is time to start liking myself, and changing myself for the better....
After all this I need to be more self-compassionate...
But most of all I need to come clean about all the behavior that has gone on... even if I choose not to remember each time... It was my choose to hide from the pain in sex.
I was hurt from a young age, and started to stick toys inside my vagina, I didn't know what it was called, but I did it anyway, this continued for a while, I was discovering my body, until I was told that wasn't appropriate, but it's how I soothed myself with the move away from family.. I had been hurt, I didn't want to leave my friends, I had a bad attitude. I let it affect me... then I discovered that I could see what others private parts looked like, I was curious, but then I was yelled at, for something that was so innocent. I started to hide that behavior, and then my toy got taken away after my mom thought I didn't need the toys. I always resented her for that. Then I found a friend that would play truth or dare and discovered that Ice inside felt nice, and playing with her was fun. I never thought it would affect me years later.... She was my best friend, we didn't touch each other but we did let each other view what we stuck inside us... mainly ice. Then one day, something happened, and I was forced to say good bye to this friend... oh yea she moved away.... I felt sad, then I found another group of friends, and that seemed to help, but then one day my family left on vacation and I lost my friends, and I resented my parents for taking me away, even if it was short.. back then the internet wasn't a big deal. and there were no cell phones... Yes I know I'm old?! That trip I felt things that I never thought I would feel, I didn't want to leave the connection and the visual representation of the martyrdom of a prophet. I remember that day, then we had to leave, and I left something that day, I left myself there, and watched her die!!
I came back and wanted to feel that love that joy, that peace, and couldn't find it, the scriptures meant nothing...I couldn't think straight, and I thought of death while helping a customer.... I then told my friend and he wanted to stay longer to talk but he left me... that day I did something that he never forgot... I didn't call him to tell him I was safe. That day I lost my best friend... ever since then I have lost relationships... never seeing the good. I see a loss as a regret of why couldn't I have done that better, instead of it was their time to move on to another to help them. I would always have their memories in my head, but new associations would come next but I hung onto those people and didn't want to let them go... until I let God go from my life... Then I think, what's my problem?!
My problem is this... I don't want to let people go, I want them to stay with me, but that's not the case. They are needed to help others, and so am I, I must now let go of the past, and cling to the present.
This addiction well... after everything that I have typed it's clear to me that it was a wake up call... It was the way to see that I matter to my Father!! Like every child matters to their father. I need to start waking up earlier, full of energy, and get going.... I have so much on my plate.. I have a paper to write and assignments to catch up on. I know that there is work in the days ahead, and I know that I need to see and feel what life is really about.. I need to stay in class, and accept the challenges of not only cleaning up my room, but my life. I need to push to stay on an outpatient bases. Because I believe in ME!! I don't do this alone... I have many to help me. so here's my plan...
The next 48 hours will be spent like this....
Sleep until 6am (and it's 12:30am now)
Then get up and start typing on my paper, reading and remembering everything that I have learned.
Work on that for 2 hours
Then get up and get ready for my day, and go clean the church... then go to a meeting..
Afterwords I will come back and work on laundry and work on not watching netflix.. Yes the TV will be off as to think through what I need to get done
oh ya and I'll have lunch...
Then it will be a small 20 minute break of cleaning and back to studying. I will finish this paper and DO my best!!
Then I'll submit it and "turnitin"
Afterwords I will celebrate!!!!
Now my paper doesn't need to be complete, I can always reread it when I have a clearer head... which means submitting it on the next day if necessary. I've never done class work on Sunday until now!!
Is this plan challenging.. YES!!! but it is doable... and I can get through the paper, even if it's not in as much detail as I prefer, it's something for 20% of my grade.... This will tell me if I need to drop the class or keep going.... so I need to do my best and get it done on time. so now, it's sleep time... okay so I'll color for a bit first to calm down.. or should I just meditate... ya, I'll do that.. Oh and I'll study the scriptures... I'll study the Book of Mormon.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
If Only?!
"Is this just a dream?" (If only, Dove Cameron) Am I living in a dream state? Every word just seems to be too much. I have so much to do, yet no will to do them. I have two posts to write, but no words inside me. There is so much emotion that I just can't deal with everything. I want an out! "Am I crazy? Will you still be with me when the magic soars? Is this just a dream?"
Who am I meant to be?? I'm feeling good emotions but they feel like... suffocation. There so intense..... then a new song comes on Pandora..... from Pitch Perfect..... I just have a lot on my mind and none of this is getting out. so here goes............
"Hit me with your best shot," at least that's what some say....... I haven't used my addiction in 5 days... not had sex in 21 days...So far so good.... I haven't really even thought about it. I've been so busy yet so unavailable to others... Does this even make sense?
Who am I meant to be?? I'm feeling good emotions but they feel like... suffocation. There so intense..... then a new song comes on Pandora..... from Pitch Perfect..... I just have a lot on my mind and none of this is getting out. so here goes............
"Hit me with your best shot," at least that's what some say....... I haven't used my addiction in 5 days... not had sex in 21 days...So far so good.... I haven't really even thought about it. I've been so busy yet so unavailable to others... Does this even make sense?
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Where to Start???
I have so many books to read and no place where to start. I feel like they all are important to what has been happening.... Let me explain. I keep engaging in addiction and I feel like I'm failing. So why do I feel Not Capable??????
I feel like because I was on an IEP and a 504 that I am not capable of living. Yet I see everyday that I am, because I see people that struggle everyday with trying to just live. Why can I not look at my strengths... What even are my strengths?
Smart, Intelligent, Funny much more than that I don't know..... I don't feel beautiful, because I hate how I look. I hate the way that I act....I guess part of this is I just hate me. So how can I feel capable when I hate who I am... I'm trying to change and it's really hard to know where even to start.
I go back to why do I feel so incapable.
Because I learn differently from others, because I don't work as hard, because I fail at things I start due to not being perfect.
SO what if I learn differently form others, it's none of their business how I learn, because I'm me and they are them.
It's been a month since I wrote the above......
Now I find that there is a pattern that leads to a core belief.
Anxiety leads to Fear.
Fear leads to "I have to get through this"
"I have to get through this" leads to "I can't do this"
"I can't do this" leads to "I'm invisible"
"I'm invisible" leads to "I don't matter"
"I don't matter" leads to "I'm not good enough"
That feeling of not being good enough can be combated with my achievements. I have 2 degrees and I'm working on a certificate in a grad school. How Cool is that?! I also have this blog, and can play musical instruments. I am good enough.
I could work harder
I feel like because I was on an IEP and a 504 that I am not capable of living. Yet I see everyday that I am, because I see people that struggle everyday with trying to just live. Why can I not look at my strengths... What even are my strengths?
Smart, Intelligent, Funny much more than that I don't know..... I don't feel beautiful, because I hate how I look. I hate the way that I act....I guess part of this is I just hate me. So how can I feel capable when I hate who I am... I'm trying to change and it's really hard to know where even to start.
I go back to why do I feel so incapable.
Because I learn differently from others, because I don't work as hard, because I fail at things I start due to not being perfect.
SO what if I learn differently form others, it's none of their business how I learn, because I'm me and they are them.
It's been a month since I wrote the above......
Now I find that there is a pattern that leads to a core belief.
Anxiety leads to Fear.
Fear leads to "I have to get through this"
"I have to get through this" leads to "I can't do this"
"I can't do this" leads to "I'm invisible"
"I'm invisible" leads to "I don't matter"
"I don't matter" leads to "I'm not good enough"
That feeling of not being good enough can be combated with my achievements. I have 2 degrees and I'm working on a certificate in a grad school. How Cool is that?! I also have this blog, and can play musical instruments. I am good enough.
I could work harder
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