Controling People in MY Life

After being around my family for a week, I know see how controlling that  some of them are. The most annoying is my sister. She makes her opinion known, and doesn't let me think. I came over there to talk with my father but, that never happened due to the fact that I forgot about all of the issues. But looking back my sister took after my mother, and I took after my father. My mother is aggressive in her opinions but is starting to realize some of the things that she does. My father is passive-aggressive, he can be aggressive when he needs to be. Both are very religious.

I want to believe that nothing is wrong, but even there the TV was on for most of the day, I spent time away from everyone to get away from all of they happy-feelly movies that just got on my nerves. But I was passive about how I lived there. There is more to life out there besides the episodes and movies that are on constantly. I just have to find a way to be away from the TV.

On the bright side my room has a bit left clutter and it's looking more open... except for the last few piles of papers to go through and find a good system to get around the clutter. Which takes work.

Everything in life requires WORK. and that's the fact that as a teenager that I just didn't want to hear, and wanted to run from. Now today, I wish that I can get pass that and on to seeing that my dreams are within reach, with work and patience.

With this new semester I hope to get away from my sister, and actually study and improve upon things that matter the most to me. Besides Life is work, which requires effort.

Active lifestyle

I've believed that I was good enough without putting in the effort. Today I begin to change that thought process. There is so much more I can do but I have to decrease some activities and increase others. Also choose what is most important and useful for me, and what I want to do in life. This all seems like a big task.

First item.... sleep and get up on time.

Not a good day

I had to perform on piano... that was harder with my mind going crazy. Between the finals and my mind state and not only that but I was in a group a few days ago, we were asked to write a letter to our addiction(s). I started to list things out.... then we were asked to read the letters. I couldn't read it. Writing the letter was hard enough. The fact that I couldn't has bugged me.
I had a dream that someone found my letter and read it. I've felt anxious and just wanting to run and hide. But instead I had to play piano. Honestly, I still want to run.... or talk with someone trustworthy that I can really talk to and get advice. This time of year is a little hard. Due to being hospitalized for the first time 5 years ago, in 6 days from now.

New Resource

I was looking on PsychCentral and came across this website

http://www.crisischat.org/

I wanted to put it here since I have a hard time wanting to talk on the phone to my T.

At least tonight, I've been around kids and that has helped me to want to live.... but the snow and  ICE doesn't help me. I strongly dislike Ice and winter driving and I get to do more winter driving unless the roads are bad.... I still can't believe that it snowed in St. George, Utah, USA.... and they have NO snow removal program. I sure hope people are safe.

Why?

Why do I have to have a mind full of death, darkness, sickness, and fear?

I'm not even sure if it will end, or what to do. I haven't told to many. I'm just not sure how much longer I can hold on.

Bad night

I was asked about the why behind the suicidal thoughts. ... I had no idea what triggered them. Could have been a perfect opportunity, or something else.  I didn't reach out, partly due to hearing "what can we do to help? " and then the concern in there eyes. I hate asking for help. Tonight when I found myself typing advance directives... well that freaked me out. Mentally I'm not safe. Physical I am safe. No matter were I go.... I can't run away...  the thoughts are always with me.   Maybe I better draw tonight.

Hot Chocolate on a Bitter Cold Day

Today hasn't been easy. I've had high levels of anxiety, suicidal thoughts and lack of will to do anything else. That being said here's what I accomplished:
Turned in one paper for Principles of Learning
40 minutes of practice time on clarinet
20 minutes of practice time on piano
All caught up for Class Piano
Started a project
Had Dinner, lunch, and breakfast (mostly healthy)
Picked up meds

That's a good list for all of the suicidal thoughts and brain and eyes going crazy. I had to take a tablet of Ativan. Oh and it's in the single digits outside.... WAY too COLD for me. I'm trying to stop myself right now from doing the things that my head is telling me to do. This is not an easy night.... a very difficult night. So instead,  I will work on another paper that's due soon. And then fall asleep. And get up on time, to make it to my PT appointment. But the hot chocolate was WAY good.

Blank Screen

I've been staring at this screen for a few hours.... partly because of the day I've had. I just feel hopeless, I should be reading a book, but agg.

Run and hide

The smile on my face is totally fake. I've had the worst morning imaginable. Between not wanting to get out of bed, to having suicidal thoughts. Not to mention all the people that I'm around, and the flashbacks from about 5 years ago.

I want to hide, disappear from all, especially when I have to pretend that all is well. Pretending takes a lot out of me, which doesn't help. Overall I feel tired of always fighting against the darkness that seems to come at me in all times.

How much longer can I take all of this? I came close to following the thoughts and just giving up. Why do I have to keep fighting all of this? Does this ever end... the fighting against chemistry and biology?

I wish I had someone to talk to.... someone that would listen without chastising me or pushing me to go to the hospital once again. ... why is December so hard and full of memories. Why do I feel like I have to always hide.... or to always feel the need to get help. No one knows the thoughts I have had. Nor does anyone know how bad this is getting. ... I just want to run and hide from the world, since hiding from my thoughts is harder and almost impossible right now.

To talk, or not

I really hate this.... feeling like I just want to give up on life. I don't want to be around people, or to let them see me like this. Yet at the same time I need to talk to someone... I hate this!!! Why can't things be easier?? I'm not even sure who to turn to, that I would feel comfortable talking to.

Motivation

I never thought of motivation to be a complex system that is hard to understand. But that's what it is, complex. I thought most of my situations where extrinsic, but it's more than that, and it's also based on the agreements that are made even before my own birth. (More details please read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz, that being said, that's the book that I am currently reading)

Life is interesting, some days are great and then you have something hit you that shifts your thinking into something greater. Today it was one of those days. (I hope this makes sense) I thought behavior was something that could be changed, It was one of those If A=B, B=C, then A=C. A being Behavior, B being Emotion, and C being Changeable. Meaning that my emotions can be changeable... grr that's not quite right... It was along those lines.

Anyway, I have to change, and the best way is to read "The Four Agreements"
More to come.

When all and said is done

Several things today are bugging me... I slept in until about 1:30 in the afternoon. Which was good, and then the disappointed sister came in saying that I missed church.... what I have to say is this... SO WHAT!!! Sleep was more important... not to mention I just didn't want to go.

Second thing that bugged me was the fact that decorating the tree was always a family thing... this year, I asked if she wanted help, and I got the answer of no back. She did it all, while I sat back and thought of suicide. MMM let's see here, Feeling as if I'm nothing is a pretty strong emotion which just takes over me. I've already had a few hard weeks, and now this. I can't take this any more. The controlling sister is OVER!!!! Yes I"m ticked off, and I wish I had something to smash, just to get her attention. Now I'm tempted to put my tree up in my room to make a statement.

Third thing, I realize I didn't do anything today but, part of it was the whole church issue with my sister, and then add on the Christmas Decor. I'm just not sure how much of this I can take. I want to just run and hide, and then find a better living situation, but the one thing that holds me here is the fact that I know that moving right now is not good finacually for my sister. Yet I sit here and worry about how that would affect her, instead of me....EXTRINSIC. It's not for me anymore. Dieing would be more for me. That way I wouldn't have to put up with all of the medications, and family seeing me as broken. Even right now tears are flowing down my face because of all of this built up emotions that I'm never allowed to show. I have to be the strong on, even when all hell breaks loose.

Fourth and final thing. I feel worthless, always dependent on other people. I've lost the will to try, and most of all, I've lost the will to succeed.


I'm in a support group and one thing that we do is to check in. I'm doing this for me to see how I feel.
Physically~ Sore, my right hip is out, back is a little out of place, wrist hurts, head is throbbing, and feet are tired
Emotionally~ Frustrated with life, scared of the next few hours, Wanting a way out, stressed,
Spiritually~ Out of focus, confused,  scared, wanting a way out

Yet at the end of this day, nothing really helps. I still feel crappy, and hurt, and like yelling everything at the top of my lungs. I'm not sure how much more strong emotions I can take.

Fact: I have been off one medication and it may be affecting me
Fact: Most of what I do is for someone else
Fact: I hate life
Fact: I need help
Fact: I'm Scared
Fact: I need someone to talk to and cry on their shoulder.
Fact: I'm going to sleep crying.

I hate strong emotion.

Slow computer... slow morning

It's nearly noon, and all I have done is miss class, turn in a paper, failed to turn in an assignment that wasn't complete anyway, and just feeling overall down, and cleaned my bathroom. I've wondered if it was because of being off of one medication.... which is one option, or well, there just isn't any or...

I know I have quite a bit to do for a very busy day with a concert, but I also know that I can't practice due to having a concert, which really sucks. I just can't over due things....

Right now all I want to do is just sleep, and disappear. I turned in one assignment that was not really good either. The only thing that I think could help is to exercise but I just don't want to go out into the cold temp of 24 degrees F.

I have quite a bit to do, and no will to do them... this is going to be a problem.... oh wait this is a big problem....

To get out of bed

I normally don't get out of bed in a timely manner. I like to sleep.... but then I get to class late. As it is I didn't do a great job on either assignment. .... just due to depression symptoms.  I normally don't let people know that I am struggling. ... but I think I have to let on instructor know, that and I'm not understanding the material,  and didn't put in enough time. .. I wish I could get myself to focus longer.

Aural skills

I ser the point in aural skills but its more of an external motivation. Its a requirement of my minor. I want to pass the class, but at the same time it doesn't come easily. .. and putting in the time is difficult.

Sore neck

I feel that a top priority for me is to see my chiropractor to realign my back and neck, an intrinsic need. I set the appointment yesterday. ... it can't come soon enough.  I also feel a need to strengthen my wrist, again an intrinsic need. But to do homework that's more extrinsic. Another reason why it's not getting done. "I can accomplish anything. I feel a desire to improve through my studies,  to learn more about music, which means I will understand and finish my assignments before they are due  (at least 12 hours prior)" (a power statement by me)

Study habits

Right now, studying depends on feeling the need to learn. Which is based on external views, such as grades, instead of the joy of learning, which is internal. The desire to get out off bed needs to be internal or I'll "may have wish (that I) had started today. " (Karen Lamb) in order to be lessed depressed I have to start by doing something different even if it doesn't make any sense.

Movie or music

Well the movie makes me feel good but there isn't a good thing that comes of the time. Music should be intrinsic but today it seems extrinsic. ..... or I try both at the same time, which decreases the effect of both. I do know that my grade depends on the time and effort I put in which means it needs to be intrinsic. Okay part of this is withdrawal of one medication, which means exercise will help.

...... example one

I just caught myself looking at the stats for my blog.... meaning an external motivation. Instead, I am writing this out to figure out myself, to fully understand the why behind what I do.

I'm also thinking of the motivation of why I chose to exercise which seems to be different for every time.... instead of something stable, and for me, that improves my mood.

Locus of Control

Over the next week, I want to discover the WHY behind the behavior of myself. Lately I have left it up to chance, and that just has left me with more suicidal thoughts, and it's just not working for me. Through out the day I will check in here and discuss what I'm doing and why, according to these words bellow. Should be interesting...and insightful over the next week.

For example, Music for the sack of performance, I normally have left it up to chance, instead of effort. For today, How much effort I put in depends on whither I want to put the time in, or if it's for the sake of performance. It's based on how much I value the final product and the lessons learned.

Taken from: 

https://www.boundless.com/psychology/personality/social-cognitive-perspective/the-difference-between-an-internal-and-external-locus-of-control/

Alone

I feel so alone, once again my sister won't go to an event of mine,  I feel like she doesn't care about me and my talent and cares more about it being boring and not enjoyable. Its like denying who I am. I've done things for her.... why can't she see how much I need help.  I'm stubborn and I just don't want to admit to how bad things are getting. Talking is hard, but keeping this all in could make recovery longer. Is this from being off one medication, or do my meds need to be changed, somehow? Or am I strong enough to get past this?  I just don't know, but at least I am getting it out of me.

Trouble

Over the last week, I've said that I'm fine but I'm not. I want to appear strong, but that would be a lie. I'm doing all I can but its not good we enough. Yet every thought brings sadness, I can't work, can't practice piano, limited clarinet practice time, not understanding secondary functions, ear training is hard when everything sounds the same. There's more bad then good. I keep switching things from letters, notes on the staff, to concepts. Is there something out there that can stop these thoughts?
                 Who can I turn to tonight?  My doc doesn't have hours tomorrow. ... I need to sleep. ... I need someone to get out of my head, to leave my thoughts,  leave my mind. Will reading help? Will that voice just leave tonight and never return? This must sound weird, but its the truth.

Hidden

I was talking to my counselor today, and I just couldn't talk about what was going on in my head, but I did have some distractions...... I had my Learning and Behavior book with me, and he just loved looking at it, but I also know that I have not learned the information for the test well enough. Then I did mention that I had been suicidal today, but was able to deflect away from that. Then as the session was over, he made me promise that if something would happen that I would call, after 3 times without eye contact, he got what reassurance that he needed. Not to mention the fact that I was doing my best to put on a brave face. Partly due to the test that I need to take that I'm not ready for.

I hear everyone around me talking, and all I can do is just want to remain hidden, partly forgotten. I know I have class and I'll go no matter what, and then I'll study another class while listening to the performances. (music minor) I have much to do, so I just use a shield of vulnerability and try and numb out....

Overcoming hopelessness - Nick Vujicic at TEDxNoviSad

Nick shares some very important things, being born without limbs, but he found hope, to help others. Hugs are always possible. I do have to put a warning on about half way through, but it is all about hope, and what life is about. 

http://www.youtube.com/v/6P2nPI6CTlc?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=YAuM0cA7OySIopdrqcdZDQ&autoplay=1&feature=share&showinfo=1&autohide=1

Try

I have a test to take, and to prepare for, but my  mind is in other places besides my studies.

Special day
It's 11:10 on 11/12/13
Doesn't take a rocket scientist to know
It could be a very special day
A day without pain
But pain is all I have
And the emptiness inside
 I see people who I know, and yet I want to just disappear.
I just wish someone could take the pain away.


I normally don't write poetry, but this fits today...
I hope with letting this out that I can study.

Scream 2

I need someone to help me. I don't like social situations, tonight brought on a lot of fear to be around people. I haven't felt this in a few months. I want to just hide from everything. ... but that's not possible. Talking may help, but all I want is to hide and stay alone. Which I know is a red flag and as my safety plan says I need to keep living and do something from my list. I will sleep tonight and find one person to talk to and try and play one of my instruments. I will stay safe and then call my doc on Monday, if I can't lessen the thoughts and intense feelings of escape.

Tests

Got done with one test and I know I did poorly. I need to find a way to improve for the next test. And then someone asks a question about my cast.... which just annoys me. And also interrupts my thoughts.  For the test I mixed up some things.... which didn't help, rhythm was off. If I didn't have to sing then it would be easier.

Inspiration

Recently I saw a  video about an injured veterans who gave up on life. He gained 100 pounds, and used supporters to stand. He couldn't walk and was told that he would never be able to run. He found someone that believed in him. After 10 months of yoga he lost the weight and is now able to run. I hope that I can be an inspiration to one person, because anything is possible with the right influence.

Grrrrrrrr

Why do I have to ... it seems like I have to be strong for everyone around me. Why is that? Why is it that social situations are so tasking and I just feel so alone? Where is that one person that I feel comfortable talking to? Where I can say anything and they don't judge me or say that I screwed up. One that will do what ever I need. I used to be able to talk to others but now it's just awkward. When am I going to dare greatly?

Halloween

Well this week has been a little difficult, and tonight it just doesn't get any easier. Sugar is one thing that most people eat on Halloween night, and also is something that increases depression for me, and for some others. One good thing, all of the sugar I had is now in my stomach, meaning there's none other to eat tonight. The bad thing is, I don't want to do anything.... and I have an assignment due at 10 am and it could take a little bit to do. But at least tomorrow I'll have some other drug in my system to help me. I just have to get through to night. I have to try and do my homework... some how get it done... I just should have spent more time on my homework...

New medication... and it goes out the window.

I've been on medication long enough to know at which point to dismiss the medication. This new one is driving me crazy, I am more down then I have been in awhile and now it seems like I"m dyslexic. I've been switching pitches and singing something totally different, it sounds cool, but its not the correct thing. Oh and I"m not on my pain meds, so I have to deal with the pain...... typing even hurts.  I need to call my doc and let him know and find a solution. My best idea is to just stay with what I have got, and deal with it. The other issue is the weight that I have gained. I just want to scream now.

Tired but not asleep

I want to falk fast asleep. .. but its not easy tonight either I am just hot, or its the fact that I feel crappie. .... I need to sleep.hopefully opening the window will help.

Dances and beauty

The one thing I hate is going to a dance and the slow songs start, and I have no one to dance with. It happened twice on Friday night. Then today I was listening to the radio and heard "you're beautiful." Hearing that helps when depression sets in because I have no one to dance with.

Medication switch

This past week, I've been going off a medication and tomorrow I start a new med. I'm so not excited.  I just don't want to do much right now,despite having lots to do. But I'm not giving up hope.

Annoyed

Apparently, if I leave something out in the common area, my sister will move it within about a few weeks, if it annoys her. That just ticks me off... like the guy that cut me off in traffic this morning.  and I don't need anything like that. If something is left on the table for too long she will place it back in my room... I think its' time for me to get even, but how???

If I did speak up, (I know this is predicting, and I don't know what she is thinking, but this is what I see based on passed experience.) she would say it's my responsibility to keep everything clean, or get mad at me for speaking up for myself, or get upset. None of these do I want to see so I just end up bottling up this bit of annoyance, but that doesn't do me any good either. What are my options?? Either keep everything in my room, and I mean EVERYTHING, or clean up every night no matter how small it may be. 

Here's the other kicker, if she get's annoyed she takes it out on me. I really hate this right now, I just can't take all of this.... yet another reason why I perposely watch shows that she hates, just to say you don't own me. I just wish that she would understand that she has got this annoyance from her ex.... who did the same exact thing..... It has to be her way or the highway...well not in my book...

Tempted

I'm a little tempted, I want to give in, but I also know that I have work to do..... Not to mention finally sleep some time tonight. On a more positive note, my long arm cast is off, but I do have to have a shorter cast on for four weeks.

After everything that has happened today, giving in sounds easier than trying to study... I just have to remember that I do have better coping skills that would help, even if I don't think it will help. (common problem for people)

Day of change

Tonight,  I admit that I have an addiction, that's the first step (admit that you have a problem. ) The next step is a little different for me. I am going to abstain from the problem with the help of my Lord,  through prayer and study.There are three parts to a person, physical, emotional, & spiritual.  Its time to take care of the spiritual side of me, and exercise even with a cast on.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Well I want to strangle my roommate. She called for a maintenance request that was not needed!!!! and then expected me to deal with the repair man........ That's not how it works!!!! People can't expect me to do everything for them. I'm expected to clean the bathroom and do the dishes (when my arm is not in a cast) while she only vacuums.  This is not right.... she complains when I have people over!!!!!

vent over. Besides I have stuff to review

One week and one hour

The cast will come off in one week and one hour. I'll be very happy to move my elbow. Besides that, I have lots to do..... and to manage my mental health. Not to mention, I need to lose the 50 pounds that I have gained since being on Seroquel, Its helps with mood, just not my health. If I don't start losing weight my doc may switch me to another medication.....honestly, I am done trying different medications, I'm doing well for the first time in 8 years.

I am strong and in control of my thoughts. And that gives me reason to smile, despite being in a cast.

Distracted by cast

I need to study.... but between my cast and my head, among other things. I need to be able to do normal things.

Physical Cast.... mentally draining week

Found out that I have a torn tendon and I'm in a full arm cast, which leaves me with my non dominant hand for all things..... major downer. Since every single thing takes twice as long...... I have 12 days left in this cast. It's midterms next week and I am a little stretched thin. Then the itching starts up, underneath the cast... and the fact that I miss a friend who has been in a treatment facility, she is suppose to be home soon. Then, having to deal with flashbacks.... all at the same time. Can this week be over. On top of that I have an added stress of calling for jury duty. Then, on top of all that I have to deal with a sister that got frustrated and took it out on me.Please let this day be done.

A Cast

I'll be short, unlike this cast on my arm. and I laughed about it. I hope I sleep tonight.

... to write left handed.... at least I can type again.

I ended up feeling like something snapped in my wrist. which means that I have to wear a splint for who knows how long. so after several years I have had to write left handed, and I'm right handed. It hurts a bit to type but I know that I need to just get a few things out... I've been very fustrated with this brace on, and having a concert on Friday.... For the first time in 4 days I was able to play for most of the hour. now I just have to wait to practice, or just find a unique way of practicing... Ie using singing music, and listening to it online, along with calling for Jury Duty.... which I have to go home to do that.... means I have to get off my but and drive home....

Jury Duty on top of classes, just makes life interesting... Please let my number not come up.

Must work on things.... must get things done.... with a hand that's only 50% of normal... argg.

long day

I made it to week 5!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes I'm excited. even with today. a friend of mine was having a rough day, through my experience I knew what he needed. yes it was hard, and I am wondering if I'll stay strong, but at least I know I can handle whatever comes.  I'm stronger knowing I can do so much more than "my best" I expect that will help me to really choose to live a full life.

I expect greatness from myself,  and I know I am not as broken as some around me think I am.

Medication

Found out it was a medication interaction that was causing all of the depression symptoms that have increased as of this week. Right now, I'm not stable, I don't want to do anything, and just want this all to disappear... or sleep.

Study time..... or just not losing myself.

I see a lot of dark things in my head, and they just don't go away, I've tried medication that I was prescribed, Aromatherapy, and sleep... after all that, they are still there. I hate this it makes it harder to study, and I can't be alone, I have to be in a public place. Inside I'm trying to find a way to live... but it's hard when it's medication caused. All I know is my study sessions are affected, and my practice times. Please bring me sweet relieve. :)

Band... a distraction

When my director let 1/2 the group go early, I didn't want to leave, because I left all of the dangerous thoughts outside, and just played. Now I'm in a practice room looking up resources... I found one.
http://suicide.com/(this is also on the Suicide page)

Today has  not been good, I got summoned for Jury Duty, and I'm a full time student and that was not a good enough reason to be dismissed... I can't miss class, I'm in all music classes. With that in the future, I just don't want to do it, I know I would get dismissed early but I don't want to spend the time to do that.

With that terrible news, and the fact that I'm getting behind on all of my classes, and there is just not enough time for everything. It's led to suicidal thoughts, and planning.. I just need to keep distracted, but it's sooo hard. Even though I need to be practicing, I'm not... I really don't even want to practice, Just go home.... and cause pain.... or just lock myself in my room. I just can't go into the hospital right now, since things are really bad. The stress of being a music major, and then the lights turning off. I just want to do nothing... but maybe grabbing a pizza and breadsticks may just help, and then I can come back and practice... maybe. Or I could just go work out...

Choices, Choices.......I don't even know what practice time, if it would be worth it... Sorry my thoughts are a little jumbled right now. I don't know what I will do right now. Can I just scream?!

2 weeks

I'm not sure how much of this I can take. I'm not me, I keep remembering past events. I know people say it's in the past but I just don't believe them. The discrimination that happened because of a medication and those around me, just makes it harder to deal with.... none of that past life was my control. I hate this, there's no one to really talk too, and trying to apply myself into music just isn't happening. I can't take this anymore. I just wish there was a way to know that I am not going to be treated like I was in the past, but I just feel like it'll happen again. It was two weeks into the semester that it happened the last time.... then I just watched someone who overdosed on sleeping pills, and was found.... Like I said, that I will be found... either that I have depression, or just found... a little too late. Either way, neither sounds good... I just have to keep on hiding, and try and get things done, and that's just not happening. I need help, I need someone to talk too, that won't do something I wouldn't want.... when will I find that though? When will I have to stop hiding from those around me... why I am I so fearful? Why do I have to deal with this?

Shame

I talked with my therapist about shame today, and the recent events of the last week. Honestly, shame is hard to talk about, and it happens to ALL of us. For me, it started with "Do your best" which essentially meant, do the bare minimum, and just be ordinary. Doing the work and trying to dare greatly is extremely hard. I have a lot of studying and practicing of instruments, and I'm stuck in the same spiral that has kept me to doing just the bare minimum... This is not the way to live, and not the way to try and change either.

Over the past 2 years I have gained 50 pounds!!!!!! I'm not obese yet, but I still could be. What do I do.... nothing. Trying to change is hard, and trying to lose all of the shame thinking is going to be hard. This shame thinking of just doing the bare minimum isn't helping, and there's just so much of it.

There needs to be a transformation (sorry but I am watching "Extreme Weigh loss Edition") of thought, and to lose some weight. I know what I need to do, and that is to exercise, and start WORKING on all the Shame thoughts.

Right now, all of this feels overwhelming. But I know that I need to refocus on me, and my school work. I also know that my health needs improvement, and it will help with depression as I found out... exercise increases good things and can change how I am feeling. This is going to be hard, but I need to do this, because to work hard is to be extraordinary.

No Group

One part of my week, that I look forward got canceled today. Over the past few weeks, things have not been very easy. And now school has started, and my objective has been to study as much as I can but... there's been issues. I have a lot to do, and no will to do it. This week I told someone a secret, I know I need someone to talk to, for real... someone who I could be fully honest with the secret... without having to feel uncomfortable. But I still have things to do tonight... and being anxious/current state of mind, it's tough... who could I talk to??? Who would understand, without passing judgment?

Reaction

What do you say when someone tells you something you were not expecting?? The reaction that I had today was keep asking questions no matter how awkward it got. I just wanted to drop it but... had to keep going. When I was asked if I would engage in the behavior... it was an of course I am... I'm not ready to give it up yet. Then the other question comes up of suicidal for the week, and that's when they always seem to perk up... duh reacting to that may make it so that those feelings come back.

All I want tonight, I can't have it. I have to keep going... when things just seem like they are getting worse. I can't keep going like this... I was going to read for a class and then discovered I have the wrong book.... I'm not sure how much more I can handle tonight.... I've had enough... maybe sleep will help.

Fear.... hope

First day and I'm already behind. There's just not hope, only fear and plans that change. And many memories of the past. Haven't I been through enough... when does it end?

realization

Tomorrow is the first day of classes and the third time attempting music as a major/minor. ..... booth attempts has resulted in a susspention. I got word on my audition and did not get in. That day I was suicidal, tonight I'm scared.  All along my subconscious has been trying to tell remind me about the previous two attempts. Can I do this without fear, tears, and harm thoughts? Can I admit that I need help and support? I know one thing, I neeed sleep....very good sleep.

FOG

And the head fog comes in, making it harder to do things. I don't feel like doing anything. even though I have an audition tomorrow. I just need that will to do things... quickly

Fustration

It's all about one person in this household.... and that person isn't me. Talking doesn't happen, and all of those feelings slowly suck the life out of me. I keep trying to hold on, but it gets harder with every pass. I've lost key talking functions. I don't feel like I'm heard here in this life. And yet I have to put on this face that says, I'm fine, nothing is bothering me. I can do this.

After all of this heartache, what else is there?? Is there someone out there that will listen besides my mental health team??

Stress

We all have stress.... some more than others.... and then there are those that feel others' stress... people like me. When I'm around others that have stress, I can feel it. Which also increases my stress level. I hate finals week and mid-terms for this reason. I hate being around other people who are stressed out.

I thought this post was going to be about that, but it's not.... I've felt numb because of the pain that I have been experiencing. Enough to not want to go into the doctor to make sure it isn't serious. Well, anyway I went in, and it caused me to want to say, hey I like the pain, what happens if I let the pain stay around... but I didn't I had some sort of resistance. But tonight, I'm sitting here with a lot of pain and just wanting more pain, because then my life would be ending... I just want out. Not sure what from or really anything more than that. I just know I hate my life right now. From the controlling family to the feelings of wanting pain and the thoughts of trying to get away from the controlling influences that are all around me.  I just want to be allowed to do things... like stay home from church just because I want to... without the judgmental sister asking why.

I have hopes and dreams but right now, I don't remember them, or even want to try and achieve them. Things like hobbies don't interest me anymore. Getting out of bed at a reasonable time doesn't happen anymore. Full conversations with my sister don't happen anymore. Partly due to her believing she doesn't have time for anything, yet she proves to me that she has the time, EVERYDAY!!! and doesn't do her side of this living configuration. It seems to me like part of my living with her is to take care of the apartment. This is not what life should be about. And then people ask me why I have been suicidal... DO you actually agree.... Not having control and not feeling like you have control really SUCKS!!!! Having a group of people say this is how to live doesn't help. Feeling sick doesn't help!!!! Wanting pain, physical pain, is only a small part of wanting the mental pain to just go away. I'm tired of this life, and there's nothing I can do to change this right now. I can't get myself 24 hour a day help, because I have other things going on that I have to be around for, because it seems like I have no CHOICE!!!!

If there is any reaction for any person that reads this, please post a comment. Suggestions are gladly taken at this point. It will show that someone out there actually cares.

Is this mental or physical???

In the last week, I have experienced sadness, crying spells, anxiety, shaky hands,irritability, fake-happiness, annoyed, and then there's the physical stuff blood in places it shouldn't be, feeling faint, dizziness, constipation, abdominal pain, dehydration, fever, weakness.And then there's the suicidal thoughts, and self-injury side of this. So my question to answer is this, what of the physical is being caused by the mental? I just don't know anymore.After the countless trips to the ER for Panic Attacks, I just don't know anymore of whether or not it is mental or physical. I have tried to increase water, but I still don't feel good. Right now, I feel bloated, and I don't feel like doing much, I want to just have what ever this is to just kill me. I just can't handle physical symptoms that are really not physical. But if I treat this as something real and it doesn't pan out that way then it makes me look even more crazy, and I really don't want to be hospitalized. I have too much to do, and not time to end up in the behavioral unit. If I say something wrong then I"m in the behavioral unit, and I don't want to be there. GAH I hate this!!!!!

Sugar

I felt a little down and not wanting to do much, and then something struck, and I knew I had to look up the relationship between the brain and sugar. There's the article that I found.
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/07/13/why-sugar-is-dangerous-to-depression/
So Here's my experiment, Tomorrow, I will limit sugar intake, and control my carbs. and see how I feel. If there is a change then I know I will have to limit sugar. Since tonight, I don't want to do much, and I just want to curly up and do nothing.

A part of Recovery

There are several things a part of recovery that I have not addressed yet. Today, I am attempting to change that. A part of recovery is the need for physical activity, and for enjoyment. I plan on increasing to 5 times a week, walking, running, workout dvd's, and anything else. As for enjoyment I plan on increasing my practicing to 6 days a week for at least an hour.

I have two reasons why I add this. For the physical activity, the simple reason is to improve my overall health, and with that I also need to control my sugar intake (it's a bit high... okay a lot high). As for the enjoyment part I have an audition that is coming up, very quickly and I need to prepare for this audition.

My reasons to keep in mind:
1) I need to decrease my weight, to change my cholesterol, and blood sugar.
2) I have an Audition on the 20th and I have to be ready
3) I just need to move on, and try and get away from the co-dependency issues that I have.

Even while writing this up I still want pain, still want to stay in this path, and just not change, but if I don't then I could be come obese, and I can't have that. I have pants that are NOT fitting right, and I want to change that before it is too late.

I know doing this for the right reasons won't be enough for me, so I have to do this will a little bit of positive reinforcements. But right now I can't think of anything good enough. If I do well on my audition and get into the group then I will take the time to watch a movie. As for my weight, I want to be able to do pushups without hitting the ground for longer than a half second. When I can do that, I can allow myself to get something from Hostess.

I now open myself to vulnerability, and allow myself to feel free.

Spiral

I went on a vacation, and had a great time, I come back, and then have to deal with a roommate who is self-absorbed, and that right there, doesn't help. I feel like she doesn't care, like she should since she is my sister. But her being the first born, apparently she's too busy to even care about my life.

So I get home to that, and I feel really crappy, and start the spiral down. I wanted to SI, so I did. and I slept in, and didn't get things done. So then I SI'ed yet again. I tried to hang around people, but I want to SI yet again. I should be sleeping, but I'm still up and it's almost midnight. I want this pain to just end, I don't want to have to deal with the sister that is concerned more with her, then the rest of us.

I just wish that she would see the issues, but she's the broken one. But that fact is hard to remember.

Up since 4am... and still up!!!!

I should be sleeping but still can't sleep, even though I know I'm tired. The issue is I finally told someone face to face what has been going on with some people close to me. It's been very hard to deal with and I haven't wanted to talk about it very much. AHHHHHH  and of course I want things I can't have... I hope something changes... soon... or I can find someone to talk to....

Cut

When you accidentally cut your finger while cleaning a knife, get the bleeding to stop, and then the next day, you do nothing... and then after you have a shift that involves leaving town, driving 3 hours, and then working, and then driving back all before noon... really sucks.

I thought I could handle the cut, and the self injury.... and right now, I can't. It's interrupting sleep. I need sleep.... should sleep, but right now... things aren't good...I should sleep before work... need sleep but can't stop my mind.

Guess it's time to try meditation.....

Positive Quotes

I was reading a book and there was several quotes that I like... and I thought I should share...

"A Year: From now you may wish you had Started Today"
~Karen Lamb

"The difference in wining and losing is most often..... Not Quitting"
~Walt Disney.


More later... time for me to sleep after being up for 17 hours... and then got to do the whole thing over again...

Cry

After this past few weeks has been very  hard, but today has been full of flashbacks. Recently, there was a suicide that I was informed about... and going back into that room has been hard, and anxiety provoking. Tomorrow I have to go back to that room, and feel all of the anxiety. And then the realization that my family is no longer safe from me to talk to about all things related to bipolar symptoms.

Tears started to flow....

and flow...

and drop.........

memories have come up.....

issues have come


and NO ONE knows.....

NO one is really safe for me anymore.

I"m afraid, if I start to talk then people will start to be more concerned, and I just can't see that look in their eyes that says that.

I've had several thoughts that make the flashbacks, more real, and more about me. I'm going at this alone, and what I really need is a safe person around me and one that I can talk to about all things related to being bipolar. Where I can feel safe talking about just about anything, and have someone there for nights like tonight. Instead I just cry and hug a pillow, and come on here to see things out, before any other action is taken. AHHHHHHH

Why answered....

I know this post is going to be hard, after the therapy session that I went through today.

And then there's a knock on the door. I really don't want to answer, so I don't. I just want to be alone...

It's been a very hard day for me. Two days before I was suicidal, and then after listening to music, things improved. Today before the session, I prepared by just getting ready for the day. Once I got there, I was early for one thing, but I was able to stay calm. Started to talk, and what it all came down to was this.

Co-dependence. Over the years I have had to rely on family members. There I said it. I used suicide and self-harm methods as a way to escape from the quilt of not doing what they wanted me to do.

After I returned from dinner. (a treat for the hard session) I started to hammer some nails in on the deck out back and one neighbor said don't do that I have a hang over... well that simple statement to me was hard to hear. and I became suicidal for a little bit.

The main thing now is to remember that I still have to talk with my family about all of this. I'm scared to talk about this issue with them.

Sorry no song today, just a huge answer for me. Now for the challenge of the rest of the night.

Day off.

I decided that I would take a day off.... from driving, working, and overall everything. well so far it hasn't worked.... Landed me in some trouble.... level red.....So I started to cook dinner.... even if I don't want to. All I ant is to just simply disappear. I couldn't stand trying to go to church after the announcement of a suicide. All I want to do now is just disappear.... not even finishing dinner.. just let it burn.. only I know I can't do that, since I'm cooking for others as well. I'm in a trouble spot. I know it. Hopefully after dinner I'll use the coping skill of exercise to see if it will help. Or it will drive me closer to level red.

WHY???

In the past 3 days I have heard about one actual suicide, and one almost attempt. Both have been on my mind, asking myself WHY? In recent weeks I have discovered that for me it all comes down to Agency. The actual suicide was a young man around my age, and the other was a young women who lost 150 pounds. He suffered from depression and finally gave in to his illness. She was on the verge of committing suicide when Chris showed up and changed her life for ever. Two different outcomes for one same problem.

After hearing about his suicide and not knowing him personally, I became very suicidal, but still had to continue to preform on the organ. Which I did but no one knew how much I was hurting, or how much I just wanted to be alone, and rethink things. For me, I've thought about suicide as a way out, but when asked why, I have a harder time answering that question.

I've hunted for an answer as to why? Asked that same question many times. I'm reminded of the whole control issues that have come up, and all I can think of is just wanting a way out of everything. Wanting control, but also not wanting responsibility, feeling like I'm nothing, and not wanting to press forward. I haven't really been talking to too many people lately, and........................................................................................................

WHY??? Why live, why feel anything, why not just give up, why try, why do anything. I have believed all of my life that we have "FREE" agency, and now I start to doubt that we really even have agency. I did what ever I wanted to on that trip, It was for ME!!!! and now 8 years later I am doubting everything!!!!!!!!!!! For one major reason, I have looked for a reason behind the suicidal thoughts and haven't found a reason, so I blamed my parents, and created a delusion. Control was taken from me when I attempted to go to college, when I was suspended for being on the wrong medication. Losing that control that I had because of  what?????????

I'm Very VERY Frustrated right now because I'm slowly starting to see that NOTHING MAKES ANY SENSE!!!! I don't have much drive towards life anymore, I'm extremely depressed... without any reason to feeling this way, except brain chemistry.

WHY??? Now I am fearful, and not wanting to live. Seeking a way out and away from the future.

I was never the best at anything, always second chair for my section, always thinking that I can't run like others, never pushing myself to do better, to be better, and being told to just do your best, and that's good enough. Never BEING pushed to find a greater potential. Always believing that no matter what I would be loved, and cared for. Always every so often changing my room. Never pushed into doing things that I may not have done. Never knowing who I could be, always starting things and rarely finishing them. Always seeing the worst in different outcomes.

WHY??? Because I knew the truth, that I didn't want a life outside... but outside of what????

I don't know tonight, and I'm more frustrated than  anything right now.

This life doesn't make sense. 8 years ago I started down this path of self-destruction, I stopped writing in a journal, stopped being religious, stopped practicing clarinet 6 days a week, and left a piece of me in Nauvoo. Then almost as if I knew something would happen, September 1 I lost my first job because of losing the lease on the spot that the business occupied. So what happened July 4, 2005, What happened July 6, 2005, What happened September 1, 2005, What happened June 6, 2006, What happened during those days. Now it's almost July 10, 2013, and all I want to do is find a way to make the suicide plan a reality, to escape from all of the pain, from LOSING my first job, first boy friend, first time of having clarity.

In the back ground I have The Fray on and it fits all to well.... I'm trying hard tonight to not lose my head, trying to figure out why I've held on for this long. It's been 8 years of struggle, and I have one degree to show for it, and 4 hospitalizations, and 4 different schools, and many medications later. I have tried to find may way out, and all boxing up all of my emotions and just trying to not be found..... And then the next song comes on, "Enough for now" And that's enough for tonight. I can't handle anything more than this right now.

Trying not to lose my head 

 But I have never been this scared before 

Tell you what I'll do instead 

Lay my body down on the floor 

To forget what I've done 

Silhouette 'til the good lord come
All we know is distance We're close and then we run Kiss away the difference I know you hate this one
Trying not to lose your own  

Boxing up everything, you've got  

All you ever knew of home  

You're scared, scared to see 

Your mother there in the door 

You wonder where did the years go
All we know is distance We're close and then we run Kiss away the difference I know you hate this one
But this is how the story ends  

Or have we just begun  

To kiss away the difference? 

I know you hate this one
The violins make no sound 

And I begin to feel the ground
All we know is distance We're close and then we run Kiss away the difference I know you hate this one
But this is where the story ends Or have we just begun To kiss away the difference? I know you hate this one  [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/where-the-story-ends-lyrics-fray.html ]

Pain

I thought I was doing okay, then this the last hour came. I wanted pain, a physical manifestation of what I was feeling in my head. So, I found pain.

Not the best thing but that's why it's called an addiction. I guess I wanted some form of punishment for spending a lot, but it was worth it. Now I just have to put it behind me, and try again tomorrow.... I'll eventually be pain free.... eventually.

Summer Assignment... AHHHHH

I just got an assignment for next semester... learning and transposing a piece that is in the Key of C, to Bb, and then Key of A to Bb. I'm freaking out a bit more. That means I really need to feel like practicing.

I have been playing the Organ, but one instrument is not enough for me. But with the depression and all the things that I have learned about in the past few days, this is starting to be too much. Okay so I have to start feeling like I want to play 3 hours of music everyday... I'm not there yet. I have new  neighbors and I'm not sure how they will react to a clarinet being played for 2 hours during the day. Or my other option is to practice where the Organ is that I use.

It's a lot of music to go through, I should.... oh wait should, that's not a power statement... It's a painful statement. I feel scared, and concerned about how the neighbors will react. I just don't feel like me right now.

I just want to scream right now. with all the stuff that is going on. It's days like these that lead me to the dark-side.

Almost 11pm

Wind delay!!!!!!!

So far so good, but still having issues. Had to stop working on the puzzle because my back was hurting.

Fourth of July

Oh joy, fireworks. This is one day I wish I was far far away from the fireworks that tend to go off on this day. I wish I could take something to put me out for the next few hours, It would be better than having to deal with the memories of 8 years past. AHHHHH can I hide yet.


I was trying to decrease the issues with this day, so I cleaned the oven. Now it's clean, and I"m on a roll with my 1000 piece puzzle... I"m doing all I can to stay sane.

That went well.... NOT!!! So much for a happy ending today

I thought about what I had discussed in Therapy this week, and realized that I have to do the harder part... Live with what I have discovered, and not try and change my family. Life get's harder when you have to keep things from those you love. I'm sure that my sister would attack me and blame everything that I say on me, and either my parents take both sides or just one. Either way, what I have found out I keep it to myself and try to change me instead of talking.

Normally I wouldn't recommend this for anyone, but it seems like I have no choice. What's worse is with this the suicidal thoughts are high... Another song comes to mind, by Avril Lavigne  called My Happy Ending.

So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the stuff that you do [radio edited version]

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[Chorus]

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

[Chorus x2]

[x2]
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh... 

I have to hide quite a bit from those around me, especially my family.  It shouldn't be this way. But I can't do anything about that. I know for sure at this time, I can't bring anything of how I feel to the one person I live with, worst part is, that one person is my sister. I keep having to put up a thick wall, and eventually it's going to crash down on me. Worst of all the Fourth Of July is my 8 year anniversary for having suicidal thoughts. And it had happened after a vacation where I lost a part of me that I have not yet gotten back.

After the hard day of today, tomorrow is going to be worst.... I'm already in a fragile position. And I'll be around people, but I won't have any one to really rely on or even talk too. I really hate my life right now.

A Thousand Years and No Surprise

 I heard this song by Christina Perri and it describes how I feel so well, except it's not love. What stuck out was "Time stands still beauty in all she is I will be brave I will not let anything Take away What's standing in front of me Every breath, Every hour has come to this"  I am one step closer today to finding out the reasons behind the suicidal thoughts, but also a step closer to wanting to commit suicide. Those of you out there that have been in this position know, to a certain point, how I feel. I the lyrics, it states to not be afraid. Well I am afraid, afraid of the return towards suicide. In the past, I have thought of suicide and not known why, and today I know part of the reason, and it comes down to Control.  I feel helpless, and hopeless about the future and that's where my mind goes. It makes sense. Because of how I grew up... but with that knowledge I also wonder if there's another psychological piece that helps everything to fit for everyone in my support team to understand. 

Regarding the control issue. I always felt helpless and jealous of others' abilities, and wanted a way out of the Resource room. Felt helpless and hopeless that things wouldn't change. I've carried that core belief for years. And now I am in a bind tonight. After feeling all of that today, I just don't want to feel anymore, I just want away out of all of the pain and constant chatter. The constant chatter of you're not thin enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, not..... just not important. Seeing that on screen hurts. I just want to erase that... in some hope that it's not true. I have doubts about all of this, I always have. And again I'm not sure how brave I can be, or if this one step is closer to what I want. 

What do I want????? Right now I just want the crickets to just stop making noise. I want to lose 20 pounds. I want to not have to deal with control issues and feeling powerless. I want someone to talk to, to just release everything, and not just little bits at a time. I want family that doesn't drag me down. I want to not have to be so concerned about everyone else, and to just have the freedom to be me, and to know who that really is anymore. I want to feel like there is meaning and purpose to life. I want to not have to fight against myself to find things to do and enjoy my musical talent. I want complete freedom!!!!!

"Look what you have done to me" (You don't belong by Daughtry) Why is that so hard to understand, but I have learned that confrontation should be avoided like it's the plague. Like anger can not be expressed because it's not something that should be seen. Like every negative emotion must be kept to oneself. That trust can never happen, because if you trust then something bad is going to happen. 

And then the next Daughtry song comes on. No Surprise.  " I won't be here tomorrow I can't believe that I stayed till today There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow There's nothing here in this soul left to say  Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow God knows we tried to find an easier way Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise" I just want today to be over, but there really was no surprise.

 A Thousand Years

Heart beats fast Colors and promises How to be brave How can I love when I'm afraid To fall But watching you stand alone All of my doubt Suddenly goes away somehow
One step closer
(Chorus) I have died everyday waiting for you Darlin' don't be afraid I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
(Verse 2) Time stands still beauty in all she is I will be brave I will not let anything Take away What's standing in front of me Every breath, Every hour has come to this
One step closer
(Chorus) I have died everyday  Waiting for you Darlin' don't be afraid I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you Time has brought Your heart to me I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
One step closer One step closer
(Chorus) I have died everyday Waiting for you Darlin' don't be afraid, I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you Time has brought Your heart to me I have loved you for a Thousand years I'll love you for a Thousand more

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/a-thousand-years-lyrics-christina-perri.html ]

 

No Surprise

I've practiced this for hours, gone 'round and 'round And now I think that I've got it all down And as I say it louder I love how it sounds 'Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrapping this in ribbons Shouldn't have to give a reason why
It's no surprise, I won't be here tomorrow I can't believe that I stayed till today Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
It came out like a river once I let it out When I thought that I wouldn't know how Held onto it forever just pushing it down Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons Shouldn't have to give a reason why
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow I can't believe that I stayed till today There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow There's nothing here in this soul left to say  Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow God knows we tried to find an easier way Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
Our favorite place we used to go The warm embrace that no one knows The loving look that's left your eyes That's why this comes as no, as no surprise
If I could see the future and how this plays out I bet it's better than where we are now But after going through this It's easier to see the reason why
It's no surprise, I won't be here tomorrow I can't believe that I stayed till today Yeah, you and I will be a tough act to follow But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
Our favorite place we used to go The warm embrace that no one knows The loving look that's left your eyes But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/no-surprise-lyrics-daughtry.html]

SCREAM!!!!!!!

I just got back from a Dual Diagnosis group, talking about Empathy. Well the group went well. No one walked out, even though I almost did... to just scream. My mind is going in hundreds of different ways. Yes I could have walked out or talked with my therapist but I just couldn't do that. And with all that going on, there's some thoughts of harm. In about a half hour, I go to see my doctor, and then after that work, and then I can deal with these thoughts. Which seems very difficult right now. All I want to do is just crawl under the covers and just hide until these feelings disappear.

Assignment

I received an assignment to put some time into how I look. And it's been a harder task emotionally than what I was hoping for. It may be easy for some but for me it's a challenge.

I was taught all my life that makeup was War Paint, and that I should never put it on. The assignment is to challenge that core believe and find a look that works for me, that helps to end that core believe. So in preparation I have liked eye shadow, but it never really stays on, and therefore I just haven't put it on every day. And also my job doesn't help with that one... odd hours at the crack of Dawn. For tomorrow the assignment is simple, try makeup and leave my hair down and do something with it.

It's simple for some girls but for me, it's like I'm going into battle, hence the war paint comment. I've always had the belief that makeup is for those that need it, and that natural beauty doesn't really need it... meaning, I don't need it, and should never try it. When I was in High School, I thought about trying it but never knew where to look, or what to buy. In an off track semester I had asked a friend to come with me to buy makeup... and the next day I returned the foundation, and a few other things. In the next few months after that, I had a roommate that let me try mascara. And I'll admit that I did like it, but never gave myself permission to wear it often (Special days only). In months after that (okay 3 years after), I have found eye shadow but it never really stayed on, so I just haven't used it. Now, I have looked up videos on youtube to see how to apply. Tomorrow morning I will try and see if I can make it look good.

But at the same time, I'm fighting myself because of what I heard from my father about his experience in makeup before a theater Performance, (the cake it on type). My mom only wore lipstick and never really got into much more than that. My sister has tried makeup on but hasn't done it again... I think it's because of that one experience of my father's that no one really wore it on a daily basis.

I applied makeup when I got home, and bought a little bit. Once I got back from my errands, I washed it off... partly due to seeing a look in my sister's eye of disapproval.  There I said it... it's all in the way my family looks at each other when makeup is applied... due to one time...




Now after years of disapproval from my father, I'm going to try and put makeup on.... and honestly emotionally I just want to reach for my addiction.. and other maladaptive coping skills. It's just overwhelming.

And at the same time I'm feeling fear of what if it doesn't look good, and what if my sister notices and has that look of disapproval. And then do I just wash it off afterwords so she doesn't see.

It's times like this that I wished that I lived on my own away from family and close friends.

All I can do is just blog and talk with others and give it a try.   Now the other question... when do I want to cut my hair.... choices choices.

Just Leave me alone!

You know those days were you just want to say LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! Well it's been one of those days the last few days. I've had to people checking up on me and all I want to do is just be alone. MMmmm Part of this is also due to forgetting one day of meds in the last two weeks and then taking meds later than normal... I know where this is all coming from... I just hope that I get done in time for the next two days to be there for two different groups (Seeking Safety and Duel Diagnosis). It's what's made the difference besides being able to find out what the suicidal feelings come from. I just hope that I can be around my coworkers in the next few days, without going crazy.

Honesty

This is far over due... being honest with myself. I have an addiction. I want to relapse, and then I do and I don't feel any different... just in pain. It does nothing for me anymore, yet as with any addiction, I want it more and more.

I was angry at myself for acting out on a coworker. I just can't stand all of her crap, and all of her talking about nothing, and knowing not to many are listening in a van full. I hid her 12x12 container in the back and then at a rest stop placed a piece of paper that stated this, "Please, either leave it at home if you are not going to use it, or use a smaller container, Thanks" (It's close to that anyway) I thought please and thank you would be enough to do it in a kind manner... well that play backfired. My coworker has been trying to find out who it was, and I just kept my mouth shut. Earlier she had been asked to put it in the back, while we all knew that most of us would sleep. She failed to do that. So I took matters into my own hand and hid it from her and placed that note in there.  Now I feel like I have to either keep my mouth shut, or talk to her about shrinking what she takes to work. There's anywhere from 3 to 7 people in a van and there's not enough room for everyone to have two bags. The point of it was just to reduce clutter and point out that space is limited.

It's that simple.

But now the coworker wants to know who it was, and has been asking.

Before writing this, I did relapse. I was frustrated with the fact that I have gained 6 pounds, in 4 weeks. When I started college I was 120 lbs, and now I am 170 lbs. 50 lbs difference. and my clothing doesn't fit right. Now I"m on a plan to work out everyday for 15-30 minutes, and to start running.

I know things have to change, and when the time is right, I may talk with said coworker. But to be honest, does it matter, if the problem has now gone away. It's almost like saying move on to the coworker... but she does not forget things like this... just holds a grudge. And I don't care for how much she talks, and most of the time it's to no one in the van.

But for tonight, I will try not to go insane, and stay up for as long as I can to prepare for work tomorrow.

Memorial Day

For memorial day, I was able to place flowers on my Grandparents graves. I am grateful for those that have served and are serving.

Besides that, today has brought a new 9 cubby bookcase, and trying to organize my room... clearing up the clutter. I'm trying to focus on other things. besides what I need to do physically and mentally.

Physically I need to lose a few pounds, and mentally I need to not hide from what is going on. I am very irritated with  who I have to deal with for a work overnight trip. I just hope I can stand a certain person, or I will just try and hide from her... please let the person to want to room with that person I can't stand. And because my boss is going out of town, there are very few hours. I have a few projects to work on, to avoid working on what is mentally happening, and have happened.

Tomorrow, I will be talking with my therapist. What will be said or worked on ... I don't know... but I am glad I'm not doing all of this on my own. 

Expectations

Everyone expects something of someone or something.

I realized something this week. I tried something new. and it worked.

I haven't been as suicidal but at the same time, I just don't want to do much for myself anymore. and that includes going to bed before midnight, and then waking up at 9am, then falling asleep on the couch. I know part of that is the depression talking. Okay, all of that is true.

I now will get ready to sleep, and then wake up at 7am (no staying on couch afterwards) meaning start doing something... working out, reading a book or just do something.

... trying to stay up and write a paper

I never knew writing a paper on music could be so hard. Blogging is easy, just write the thoughts that come. But I really need to write these papers and study my classes. to pass my classes. I see the long term goal, I just, am having a hard day. Yet nothing helps.

One of those days

I just am having one of those days.... meaning, an appointment got changed for talking with my Therapist, to latter in the week.  I thought I would be fine with it, but my mind feels like it's out of control.

I have all of this stuff to do, and now it's almost impossible for me to do something simple...

What really is going on right now??
I'm stressed, and I feel it from many people around me. I realize that my head is feeling that pressure, that often comes before and after an anxiety attack. My time management skills are not working. I have a paper that is due tonight... I should be working on that, not attempting to practice...
With all of that going on, I want suicide. I've been thinking about it most of the day, because nothing is going right... SCREAM!!!!! How am I suppose to study, or do anything with thoughts of suicide in my head... the main thought is to overdose... but I know that the amount I have with me is not enough. It would just lead to letting people know that things are getting bad... REALLY BAD... Main instinct to keep going is the only thing that keeps me doing things... yet at the same time I want help... but I don't.. I really hate things right now... Please let me out of this brain... it hurts too bad.

Three Paper week.... plus recovery work

This is getting harder. I have three papers to write, and today, I haven't thought very clearly, which makes doing much, very difficult. Not to mention the fact that, I just don't want to do anything, motivation is low, and energy is low. I fell asleep in two classes today, and now all I want to do is sleep, instead of writing at least the intro to one paper.

The end of the semester with thoughts of suicide, wanting to watch Netflix and other media, and over all tiredness. What I want most of all, I have to resit. Addiction is very difficult to get away from, and sometimes it feels impossible. Today is one of those impossible days, but I do know that there has to be something better out there then what I know currently and that thought keeps me going for a few more hours. Sleep is important right now, but so is getting these papers done. What's more important is to feel like you are doing okay. Simple fact, my head feels cloudy, and that feeling gets me ever closer to suicide. What pulls in the other direction? Right now, it's the pain, physical and mental that I'd have to go through to actually commit suicide. I'm determined to not let suicide get to me. Yet at the same time that desire to life is a bit smaller, and harder to see part of the time.

I have work to get done, so I will sleep now, then get up at 7am (when I start to hear weird noises) then I'll get up and start by writing. This first paper is on personality, and using the approaches that we discussed in class. I'll at least get a rough draft turned in, then I can re work parts later. Simple right.... then try adding my head in to the mix... Scream!!

Logic, Emotional, or Both. I'll Try

Just met with my doc, and he spent time trying to figure me out.... trying to put the two sides together. and by two sides I mean, logic and emotional... the only issue is I can't seem to get past that wall between the two. I try, but I'm Blocked, every time I try. I know I'm not the easiest person to talk with, because of that division.

The other thing he said was control is really just an illusion. I'm not so sure on that part, the follow up question is why do I want control so bad? Is there a way to get away from having to feel like control is the only thing that would help.

Who I am.  

Nothing makes sense.  

Nothing makes sense anymore. 

Nothing is right. 

Nothing is right when you're gone. 

Losing my breath. 

Losing my right to be wrong. 

I'm frightened to death. 

I'm frightened that I won't be strong.

Thank you Nick Jonas, this is exactly how I feel right now. I just want "someone to love me,  for who I am."

 

I'm trying to integrate both sides of me, but it's difficult. I'm not sure how, or if I'll become "frightened to dealth.... that I won't be strong." enough to handle this integration process. 

Emotional side.

I'm scared, scared that I'll do something stupid like looking at suicidal pictures, or plans. I'm scared to try and integrate the logic into me, because what if it doesn't make any sense. What then???

 I am feeling like I can't trust anyone with the real truth, or at least let people in. The more I talk with people the more confused I become.

This song is how I feel, (I'll try by Jonatha Brooke)

I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself.
I mustn't let them down now-
Mustn't let them see me cry.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm too tired to listen.

 

I am an adult and I can make choices either to take care of myself, or not. I feel as if I have to remain strong for those around me, and never let them see how bad this pain is, the pain to integrate both logic and emotional. I am too tired now to listen to some of the things people say, for example "control is an illusion."

 

 My whole world is changing,
I don't know where to turn.
I can't leave you waiting,
But I cant stay and watch the city burn;
Watch it burn.
 

My world is changing to quickly now, and it's hard to see what can happen, so I just let things continue, "watch it burn." That's my choice, to just leave things be, to just let the darker thoughts simply fall right off of me. 

 To understand,
The distance in between:
The love I feel,
The things I fear,
 

The distance between Logic and Emotion, I know try to shrink the distance, and start to integrate both sides of me. 

 So I'll try,
'Cause I finally believe!
I'll try,
'Cause I see where you see!
I'll try.

 

I'll try but people have to realize what this all feels like. It reminds me of anther song. One on High School Musical 3. Scream

The day a door is closed,
The echo's fill your soul.
They wont say which way to go,
Just trust your heart.

To find what you're here for,
Open another door.
I'm not sure anymore.
It's just so hard.

Voices in my head,
Tell me they know best!
Got me on the edge,
they're pushin', pushin',
they're pushin'

I know they've got a plan,
but the ball's in my hands!
This time its man-to-man,
I'm driving, fightin', inside a,

world thats upside down,
And spinning faster
What do I do now? without you!

I'm kickin' down the walls.
I gotta make 'em fall!
Just break through 'em all!
I'm punchin', crashin', I'm gonna
Fight to find myself,
Me and no one else!
Which way I can't tell,

I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

 

I don't know what my dream is yet, but I'll find my way, I'll try, before I want to  scream one more time. But I know for a fact that his path is difficult, but not impossible. I'm now going my own way, Just need to find what my own way is, and how to get to that point. 

I release myself from my past, so I can find my own way, one day at a time.