Too much, I'm screaming

I found a movie on Netflix, Brain on Fire. I can relate to what Susannah felt. When the brain attacks and the only answer is a psychiatric disorder. But is it?? The last week had been torture. Or rather the last 16 years if not longer. I've been on meds for 16 years. Do I need to be on them. None have worked. The last few months my body has told me I'm stressed but I don't feel stress. I feel pain, hurt, and ignored. I've been blamed, I've wanted to die, anything to get away from the pain. What will it take to be heard? Do I need to retreat?! Am I even getting the right care? 

Is anyone? What if the brain is more powerful than anyone thinks? The human brain doesn't get enough credit. But how do we tell when the brain needs help? Do we throw medications in and hope that something works, or do we create stronger connection to reach the one in pain? The brain controls everything, no one knows the full capacity. My heart is breaking but my mind, my brain is under attack. Will anyone help me? Or will I be labeled psychotic?

Ambiguity

Over the last week, I have noticed that I have had a dip in mood and have been sleeping an hour longer or so. That may not seem like much but it is to me. I have so much to do but no desire to do anything!! The lack of motivation is getting to me. I have asked to pick up a few more hours but I find myself wondering if that is what I want to do. And I almost said should... I want to remove the word should from my vocabulary.

In an assignment for my career, I have been asked to handle ambiguity with more skill and finesse. And using could, would be my first attempt to change that portion of myself. I have a lot to change but my mental state is in harm's way. 


Another question?
What am I willing to do to get better?

I don't know yet! I know I am letting fear win but that's where I am today. I'm scared and nothing seems to help enough to end that fear.  Can things be different? Ah, yes!! DO I want them to be different? I'm not sure. I think so but part of me is not convinced. What will it take to be fully convinced?

31 Years of Goals

I haven't posted all year. and that bugs me. I need to be more active in my life. Recently I read a book by Hal Elrod, The Miracle Equation. This book was amazing, and I recommend reading it.

Hal helped me to think, what do I want in life?

Up until now, I have been controlled by my mental health. That ends today.  I want to be in control. To be in control, I feel that I need to create and stick to goals. I am researching more goal ideas as it has been hard to think for the last few months. I found a few resources and have thought of the following:

1. Practice mindfulness on a daily basis at least 5 minutes
2. Read 100 books by graduation from grad school
3. Finish Grad school
4. Become goal-focused
5. Move into my own home
6. Pay off debt
7. Find someone to marry
8. Recover from addiction
9. Pay off car 
10. Lose weight to be under 145 pounds
11. Run a mile
12. Walk 10,000 steps every day for 2 weeks
13. Write a love letter to future me
14. Practice yoga once a week
15. 30 days of Figure 8 Fitness program
16. Read the entire book of scriptures
17. Read 30 minutes a day for 30 days
18. Go to the gym for 30 minutes 5 days a week for 30 days
19. Hold a plank for 60 seconds
20. Complete a 2,000 piece puzzle
21. Answer 300 questions about me
22. Become a licensed counselor
23. Have CSAT certification
24. Finish all the books that I have accumulated both in print and digital
25. Wake up on time every day for one month
26. Learn more skills for working with people with mental illness while focusing on my own recovery
27. Journal every day for 30 days
28. Stop a bad habit
29. Watch less TV in a day, to one show a day and spend that time doing other things
30. Finish all crochet projects
31. Leave comfort zone and speak up and spark a conversation with a strange

That is one goal for every year I have been alive. Which seems doable in the next 10 years. I'll change it and add to it as I see fit and when I complete goals. I will use MyOrganizedLife to organize all these goals

Current State

Words do not come easy. I feel depressed again..... all because I got dumped. I don't know what it will take to wake me up.

Car Accidents can Change you

This past week has been rough... I had a minor fender bender, that resulted in a sore back and a dented and cracked bumper. The pain has gotten to me, and it enticed me to use. I'm not proud of it. In fact, I have had issues with my mental state. I have been down. The last car accident totaled my car. and landed me where I am today, living with my parents. I was feeling lost. and not sure where to go. More stresses are pilling up all around me. and I just need a self-care day... but I need to write a paper, and do some training..... I feel overwhelmed. I know where this all leads.... right back into addiction. I had one slip today, I don't want another... I need an attitude adjustment... I'm dangerously low and I am afraid that I can't or don't want to catch it in time...

Am I in trouble...??? I want to scream. I have 3 days to complete my paper and it's halfway done. I can do this. but Can I really do three jobs?????? Time will tell I need a break.

New experiences

I recently got a new device, now I want to look at things I shouldn't, and the temptation is real. So instead I'm blogging. My fight is to not use my addiction for 30 days for a reward. And All I want to do is use. I have a guy friend who doesn't know but might know to get to know me. It's tough though. I want to tell him for support. I recently broke off another relationship that was long distance. I'm thrilled I did. I just felt that 1 hour is better than a guy that doesn't drive and wanted me for my body. This guy wants me for me.  I learned quite a bit last night, and it felt good to get close to him but to keep it PG. It's tough though. I want so much more, but I can't have it that way.

I did start a master's degree program. And it's hard work. This week is about self-care. Something I Need to focus on. And I'm getting help from Grammarly.com it's been a lifesaver.

Thoughts on me

I'm listening to good music, why don't I feel happy, why do I feel confused?!

I have one foot in and one out. I long to be near someone.... Yet i am so far away.

I want to hurt, I want to feel, I want to be me. Is that too much to ask for?

Apparently it is too much to ask.

Over the past 4 months I have been isolated from relationships. But that's not working for me. I need people. I need something in common. But is that one thing in common what I want?

I'm bored. Don't know what to do. No real friends. Only those that are far away. The ones that I have are superficial or only want one thing.

So how can I be someone I'm not? But who is this person? I've lost myself, and I hate it.

Frustrating Men

First off, this isn't about any one person, just the greater male species. This does not apply to every male out there. This is a rant, a vent of frustration!!

Why is it that no matter what, those who are addicted to pornography, seem to assume everything revolves around the them?! Not only that but they assume that some people are bots!

I just want to find one man that treats me right, that will restore my faith in men. When I say no, they don't listen!!!! They want what they want and can't stop themselves. Especially if they are addicted to pornography/sex!

I'm sitting at home alone, slightly negative thoughts running through my head, I can't escape them. Why can't I escape??? I try, then the thoughts return. I need someone beside me.

Where I want to be

Ever feel like your going nowhere? That's me making wrong choices over and over. I want to be a contributing person in society. Making money, but more importantly helping people!

In order to get there I have lots to do, but at the same time I don't want to. Today I read my step 1 to my counselor, which was scary. She helped by reading it with me. That was about 12 hours ago.

I was thinking how can I share something so personal with someone that broke confidence. I'm scared for that reason. I never told her it hurt me. So that is only hurting me.

Is it me or do I just want to hurt and blame it on others. It being anyone or thing that makes me hurt.

I lay here, all I want is to just not take responsibility. So that my death won't be my fault.

I see the words on the screen, I just don't want to keep doing this game, this life. I'm hurting physically, mentally and spiritually.

The trouble is there is only one perfect death with little pain, and I can't get what I need for it. So I countinue to hurt. That hurt grows everyday. Hurt, decay, and heartache exist and encompass me.

So I reach my breaking point.... What more can I do, what more can I say. Except for I'll sleep tonight and hope the hurt lessens, but it won't!

Going nowhere

I am going nowhere! I was trying to fine my purpose, then I got hit with depression. I have been told to do various things but I'm going nowhere!

Memory

What ever happened yesterday!? I know my parents came and a few other things but what else happened? I have not knowing. I miss my memory. I miss knowing who I am. I feel separate from my old self. Now my head hurts. But I must be strong. Because I am a survivor!

Thoughts from the psych ward

Where am I going? Who am I?

I'm not crazy, yet I'm treated like I can't control my actions.
I'm not my illness.
My illness controls me.
Who am I?
I do not know or understand anymore
Where is the answer as to who I am.

I don't want to face the truth

Red and yellow

Trigger warning!!

Red and yellow chips stare back at me me. Did I really earn them? Was it all a lie?! I may have not acted physically but what about mentally..... Does anyone truly become unaddicted? Truth is no. Addiction is a progressive disease. Is it a disease? Or just a symptom of something else? For me it's that something else. How do I know? I really don't know but it's a feeling.

Through addiction, I have lost my mind. This week it nearly killed me. I wanted to lose control of my car right into a barrier. Glad I didn't but at the same time I know what caused it.

I was talking to some friends in recovery about how angry I am with God. How he let things happen to stir into motion what has happened. What did happen? Is that what you really want to know?

Well since you asked.

He left me! I went on vacation and stopped having time for myself, then had anxiety attacks that got worse from every time, more intense. And then kicked my butt out of college, twice!! I had to fight for my degree. Which I received 18 months after finishing the credits. During one attack he, God showed me things I will not forget or tell. Besides you wouldn't believe me anyway. Now nearly 12 years later, I'm an addict. I'm trying to turn my life around but at the same time splitting inside. I'm literally taking myself and creating different parts and not knowing about each part.

Needless to say I'm miserable.

Wanting to die was Monday and today is Sunday. Almost a week. Now I want to just cry for hours! Well no I don't!

I just want the pain to be over! Is that too hard to ask for??????!!!!! Obviously it is. Pain never ends that fast! No matter how much we want it to end.

What was my point today???

I want..... What do I want??????¿

That's the ultimate question. Right now I don't know what I want! I don't really know what my values are or anything that I want.

Am I already gone?

Do I want to accept what I have been dealt? Am I just scared? Do I need a vacation but can't take one....... Or do I just need time. How do I feel again?

Could this be happening?? and BUGS!!

Two things happening at once, and the start of term. Let me explain....

First of all the last few days I have been battling BUGS!! Real bugs that are annoying and  I have killed everyone that I saw. But in that I see little problems that I have faced and overcome.

Second a boy. who turned into a virtual friend. and then a virtual boyfriend.... I have not met this man. I'm getting anxious to meet him. But we are hours apart.

And the start of term. Am I ready for all this?? Have I overcome enough to start this class or am I still not up to a high enough standard?? Can I learn fast enough. Am I ready to go back to school??

The other thing, is I could be getting married soon. Do I want to plan a wedding at the same time as going to school??

Is this crazy to do all this, when I feel limited in mind due to medications?

Enough questions!!!!!

The bugs have been put to sleep... they shouldn't come in.

Second.... I will know once I meet this man.

Third education is important to me. I need to start today which means turning off the TV and turning up the music.

Last Few Months

Last few months have been Great...

Total sarcasm..

To be serious the last month has been a gigantic pain!!

In December I got a Job... Yea. But my actual starting the job on my own wasn't for quite some time. That new job turned into lots of worry and stress and I am only part time.

So my sex addiction has been interesting, I have used 6 times in 2 months, and in the last month its been 2 days. and they happen to be the last two.

I had worked 21 hours in three days and used it as an excuse... But I did make a choice a long before that that I would because I was afraid, afraid of how my parents would react to me taking the sacrament. so therefore it would be better to wait until they adjusted. HA!! That's what the addict believed in me. The truth is I just never really wanted to talk to them about their behavior regarding my fear. So I didn't and that resulted in a slip.

So now I have learned about myself, and when I procrastinate I mess up, slip up, act out, whatever you want to call it!

Am I done with this acting out cycle...??

That's what one of my "sisters" asked me. Am I done with this addiction? Am I done with it ruining my life?? Can I turn it over to someone else? Do I know how to do that.... Well I didn't know how to walk and I saw that done, and mastered that. I had my falls but I mastered walking to the best of my ability. I can do that here with this sex addiction. If I want to act out or get on and watch pornography,  I can simply just do a pleasurable activity or talk it out like the SAA program says. I was going to share where that is in the Green book but I just don't remember the page number.

Christmas

I sit down at a blank screen. Well now it's not. But you get the picture, I wonder what this week will bring. It's been a while since I last posted and so much has happened. Meaning BIG things. Many that I don't have answers for, and still hope to have the answers. I saw my ophthalmologist and she saw some inflammation on my optic nerve. I had a brain MRI, which came back normal. But now since I have been getting headaches the doctors want to do a spinal tap. Well, that's on Tuesday and I get anxious just thinking about it. Can I hold still?? Will it hurt?? not to mention, What is wrong?? or is there something wrong?! I still don't know and it's Christmas, I should be happy but I'm not.

Then my psychiatrist wants to put me on a medication that is non-formulary on the insurance company. Which means I can't take that one without approval... and so far that's the second medication that hasn't been approved. I think its because they don't have the full medical record of every drug that I have been on, but what do I know?! Or maybe we should try some of the medications that have worked for a bit with each other and see if it makes a difference. Honestly it's a nightmare and I want something to change. Mainly ME to change!!! But when I feel like crap and don't want to do anything, do I just have to force myself to do things... that doesn't seem right?!

Then I have 20 days, well almost 21 days, will I blow it again??? Or will I continue on my path of recovery. So far, I don't feel like searching for a man online, I just hope that I'll find one after I change, or before I'm not picky. I just hope that I find him. The past few months have been about finding my husband, but looking in the wrong places. I just hope that I can, I hope I can get into a good space to find a man.

Update...

Many things are happening. I found out that my optical nerves are inflamed. And the doctors are not sure why. I think it's because of a medication. So, they ran an MRI and found no masses, but they want to do a spinal tap. I'm getting used to the idea of it but I'm still scared. Tonight i have anxiety higher than normal. I have also been suicidal. Honestly I don't know what is med and what is circumstance I'm so confused. I thought writing this out would be helpful but all it does is make me want to cry.

So the last 2 months have been filled with lots of time on my hands. Many days with using sex and relationships to get rid of stress and anxiety. All the more creating more stress and anxiety.

I'm getting to tired yet I don't want to sleep..... Why is that? I want to...... I don't know I'm not yet I am tired. I hope I fall asleep tonight. I hope I can just stay safe. God help me.

17 days

I feel awful!!! So alone I need a meeting. I decided after 17 days to use..... What an awful feeling. I'm not sure I can describe what I feel.

Few hours later, I feel like I dissociate when I use and then for hours after. I am a sex addict and I seek recovery. But I don't know how.

Options

I have a few options for today. One is taking care of me. Two, going to see a guy and have some fun. Third, staying home and listening to something I don't care about. There's risks for all but, I just don't know. Or I do things a bit different and take care of me by asking my parents to come with me to share with them what's been happening. There's to many options!!! How can I choose. All sound great. But at the same time I need to take care of myself. I just don't know. I feel lonely.

1 year from now

Where do I want to be in one year from today???  What are my goals?

I want.... I really don't know so lets do this way.

Goals
1) Finish Medical Coding and Billing Course work.
2) Establish a routine and stick to it
3)  On the path to recovery from depression and anxiety

Those are my top three.... now how do I make them so I accomplish something on them daily. Class is a bit easier, I need to establish a routine with learning something new every day, and recovery I have learned takes a routine to get through.

What does my routine look like??
It has to be flexible as I don't know what type of job that I want or can have.
Needs to include:
        Positive Affirmations
        Brush Teeth
        Exercise
        Meditation