Free Falling

I was in a religion class and we where challenged to write our own lyrics for a song. Here's what came to mind.

Am I a child of God?
Why has He left me?
I know He has given me my life,
but why do I feel so alone?

Am I a child of God?
Why do I want to die?
Is this the path to choose?
Who can I, no where can I find help.

I've had a hard week and then I write this! I started to cry and still am. I never intended to write this. and no one knows in real life. I'm close to talking with T but don't to admit that this is getting bad, really quickly. There was a way to communicate with the rest of the class, anonymous. So I shared the first set. I was the only one that felt so alone..... Now I'm faced with a bigger issue. do I try and call my T to see if there is an opening, There's a part of me that says no. There's a part of me that says "don't be an idiot, ask for help"

 I'm sitting at a computer trying to get things out of my head and I keep thinking I need to call the crisis line, but I just don't want to admit to myself that things are bad again. I don't want to talk about any of it. And that's another warning sign for me. I know things are bad, but typing it out is easier than trying to say that I need help. Even if I know that my T would trow a ball (a juggling ball, not hard) at me. Because I know all the warning signs for suicide. But I don't want to admit that things are bad again. Partly because I don't want help. I want to die. I can't keep going like this, and that's the other warning sign. Asking for help is a sign of weakness, and I thought I was past this.  I thought things where going well. But their not and I just am having a hard time accepting this.

I am also studying suicide... which is another trigger for me... what the heck am I going to do???????????????? I can't even trust myself to tell myself the whole truth. How am I going to continue like this??? I hate life right now. and can't even reach out to say hey somethings going on and I need you here, right now.

Can't even figure out what has triggered me so much lately. Please.... thoughts... go far, far away. Then I can get things done.... or is that not going to help... I just don't know anymore.