Probing.

Probing is one thing that I hate... so my doctor says; "what are the suicidal thoughts consist of?" I say, something to the effect of, "I DON"T CARE", he asks again, and I say the same thing... but he doesn't give up, keeps asking, wants to know every detail about every thought... I"'m sorry but that is reserved for my therapist. I have to even explain behavioral chaining, and what thoughts are triggered by suicidal thoughts and self-harm thoughts. He is NEVER satisfied. I reserve that information from one person and one only, it's easier that way. So I don't have to go through that info more than once a week.

Battle Scares by Guy Sebastian and Lupe Fiasco is playing on Pandora.... here's a few lines that fit right now.


"I wish I couldn't feel, I wish I couldn't love
I wish that I could stop cause it hurts so much
And I’m the only one that's trying to keep us together
When all of the signs say that I should forget her
I wish you weren’t the best, the best I ever had
I wish that the good outweighed the bad
Cause it’ll never be over, until you tell me it's over

 These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading
Don’t look like they’re ever going away
They ain't never gonna change
These battle "


It hits me that I have research to do. and all I keep thinking is of the incident last night. I live with my older sister and she has taken on some annoying characteristics. I asked her to turn of the light.. and she got defensive, that's not the only time that this has happened. I can't take this abuse anymore. I want out. It isn't right to be hurting this bad. Last week I had a memory pop into my head, and it never left. Its irritating, and not leaving quickly. I want to go and visit a school and she said no you can't go... I'm sorry but that's not how it works. You sis, can not control me. Not anymore. I have to confront her but I just can't deal with that and school right now. She doesn't understand that I'm not happy living with her... because I have had a few things fall by the way side and it's leaving me in a bad position.

She views me as BROKEN> I'm NOT broken. She doesn't get it. I have to get out of this life.. and then the suicidal urges/thoughts return and get stronger. I want to set a plan in action to get away from this all. I can't do it anymore. Let me out of here!!!!!! Then I realize I really need to talk to someone... but I don't want to.

I also told Doc that when I get angry that the suicidal thoughts get worse. What I failed to mention was I've been suicidal lately. and I just don't care anymore. Bring it on!!!

Here's a little more on my sister and what happened last night.

My sister is 8 yrs older and treating me like I'm broken. I can't take it anymore, I want an out. I've thought of writing a note to here to address bigger issues, but it also triggers me. I want to run but if I leave know she may judge me. And I'm still in a world of hurt, and trying to cry silently. This is no way to live. I'm not choosing to really live for me, but I make up reasons to live for others. .... which means my own needs are not being met. I wish I could call someone.