Early Morning !!!Trigger warning!!!

I'm not even suppose to be at work, yet I'm wide awake!!!!!! It's 4:30 am, I have a movie on, and the light dimmed. Yet I'm not fully awake, still tired just needed to be out of my room, away from the smell of Spearmint. In hopes that it would get my headache and decrease the intensity. But I'm still tired, awake but tired.... not the best combination. I may try and sleep out here but for now my mind is still on what do I do with myself. Anxiety is high, triggers are high, and I've already slipped twice in less than 24 hours. I'm not happy. Nothing about this situation makes me happy. I'm turning 27, and still single with no prospects, not too many friends, and I'm not happy. Sleeping is a problem, headaches are daily, and I just don't want to keep living this way. I have enough pills to do it, enough problems anyway, why do I have to keep fighting??? Would I say I'm suicidal.......... yes. Do I trust myself to be alone today? No. Do I have to keep being alone? maybe... can I just get some sleep and stay asleep.... please. Can it be longer than 6 hours?? Please. I just want to sleep....

What's my purpose?? That I just don't know.

WHAT do I do with myself????

Ever since a little kid, everyone asked us what we wanted to be when we grow up. I'm about to hit another year, and am wondering what do I do with myself???

Aspects that I do not like
Sitting on my butt watching TV
Working on the computer constantly
Not having to many friends
Having suicidal thoughts
Being Codependent on others
Being Lazy

Aspects that I want in my life
Friends
Active life
Healthy
Happy
Reader


How do I get this type of life??? That is the question of the day. What am I doing right now.... what I don't want to always be doing, on my butt watching TV. Not doing what I want..... But at the same time, I'm not happy with what I am doing. Or with my living situation. What is this active life, and how do I get it??? What do I really want?? Where do I go from here? What's next???

A book comes to mind..... its one that I read in college, called Inner Victory by David A. Christensen, About "strategies for managing life's transitions."

And then I go to a session and am told not to sit and stir over it.... You just told me to not........That increases the likelihood of actually doing that. So yes, I have thought about that conversation, it seems almost compulsive after being told to not think about something.

I'm really trying to not think about reading out loud, but still thinking about it. Do I practice??? I know it will get easier if I do it, but I don't want too.... It comes down to fear. Fear that others will laugh at me, even if I know they wont.... I still fear their reactions. I hate concern... with a passion!!

I've thought about the years, most of my life that I have been afraid, anxiety has ruled my life, how do I change this??

How do I let this go??

Excuse

I know this is an excuse..... but I can't bring myself to talking about the second to last post about talking with my sister. I keep wanting to just let it slide, but I almost can't. At the same time I want to believe that she meant that it was just the thoughts that were going to happen, some how that doesn't seem quite right.... but it has to be..... I'm still awake... this is weird.

Don't give up

I post on a forum for those like me, and there was a post that really got under my skin. I have been rather angry, for no reason, okay there is a reason and I've chosen to let it become an issue. It being the post and what a sister of mine said last night. Then I saw a show that has brought my triggers to extremely high...... I'm hurting and there's no one that really knows. I am reaching out to a friend, I sure hope she sees her phone.... but if not there's some pictures that.... okay one that I found so far that has helped.
 and

I have someone...... I can't even continue with that thought!!! I am honestly scared for a session with my therapist. and even more scared to talk to my sister to see what she meant last night. It has bugged me more than anyone knows. I'm in a world of hurt, I need a large distraction or I just need to talk, I can't decide.

I just keep telling myself, Don't give up!!

"It's going to happen"

That's the response that I get when I tell my sister that I have had sui thoughts.... and that makes me feel worse. I've tried to ignore it, but how do you ignore something like that. It's almost enough to just to talk, to call a crisis line after she leaves for work. Or if I decide to leave and call without her knowledge. It hurts that I can't share that part of me, that I have to hide the thoughts, and the addiction. Her saying that is hurtful.

I am trying to be strong through this but, it's getting to the point that it's hard. I have walked inside (a dvd), found a box that I was looking for, and will meditate this morning. All things that are good to try and be strong while thoughts are entering my head at rapid speed.

I have 3.5 hours of her home and I plan on talking to her about this, due to the fact that last night after she said it I was in shock, and then half asleep. That's not something that ANYONE ever wants to hear from family.

I can't even really say what went through my mind when she said "It's going to happen" to respond like that is almost like she is cold hearted.... which I know isn't true but it's what it feels like.

I am going to look for a better job, to move out by May. I can't live in this place with her, if she is going to respond like that. When it makes it worse, yes she doesn't have training like I do but who says that to ANYONE!!! I'm hurt, and trying to deal with the pain of possibly lossing my sister over something that she isn't aware of, unless I tell her and actually talk to her. How can things get any better without that support.

Talking

I've been trying to get up the courage to talking about treatment of me at home.I live with my sister, and the relationship is like our parents and that bugs me. I set up an action plan to talk to her, but I keep finding excuses, being to tired, lack of time, and not wanting to be in the same room with her. This is getting on my nerves. It's like the big elephant in the room that I can't find the right words to actually say. This shouldn't be hard but, she has turned into a bully for me, and that triggers me into being passive, instead of being proactive. But I just don't see the point... there's so many assumptions that she has made that have hurt me. How can I tell her that??? Telling my T was hard enough that I cried after the session last time. How do I know that it will turn out okay??? How can I bring up the topic when I know that she is stressed about the future? She has her own problems but the problems are getting too me. How do I start talking??

Always making excuses...

I have noticed in others, mainly my sister that she makes excuses to do things. Then yesterday, I was called out on myself making excuses. Here's a list of common excuses that I make within a weeks time.

1) I was on an IEP and 504, that I have a hard time understanding comprehension.
2) Because of that learning disorder I won't achieve enough.
3) I don't want to
4) I can't do that, it's against a "moral code"
5) Feelings hurt, so I make myself hurt
6) Netflix is all I can do, I want to be lazy and not think
7) There's only two rooms
8) Someone is in that room, and hogging all the space
9) They are making excuses, so I can
10) I can't leave my current situation so why leave the job that I like
11) the future is scary, so I'll do nothing
12) I don't want to get up, I want to be lazy

There's probably more but the one that I want to focus on is the first one. Yes I was on an IEP and 504 growing up, but I chose not to read as much as others, I chose to be lazy. It's a personal choice for NOT living life. I was on an IEP from 2nd to 5th grade, and 504 from 6th to 9th grade. Afterwords I was able to not have to go into special education. If I had worked harder, could have overcome this quicker. Now years later, that mindset is still intact, and I want to be rid of this mindset. It is stopping me from achieving more than I ever dreamed, and is fueling my depression and suicidal thinking. I never thought that I would get past having to go into a special room, but guess what, I graduated from College and University and am looking into going on to graduate school. Being on an IEP and 504 made me stronger. and I need to acknowledge that, and move on to bigger and better things.

The future is ready for me to take control. I hate my living situation and now it's time to challenge that. I have to challenge that, by talking to those that have harmed me by what they have said. It's time for a change and that change can only be made my be, by not being lazy.

To improve my comprehension I must read more, work harder to know words and overcome a challenge that has faced me all my life.

Life is hard work, and I have been just taking the easy way out, Now it's time to work for want and overcome my challenges. And make a life that I want to have in this life.

Refiner's Fire

I've been thinking a lot about this idea of a fire that is hot enough to shape a piece of steal into something of worth. This applies quite well to what I found out.......

Domestication (Author credit given to: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz)
"All our normal tendencies are lost in the process of domestication. And when we are old enough for our mind to understand, we learn the word no. The adults say, "Don't do this and don't do that" We rebel and say "No""

He continues with "The belief system is like a Book of Law that rules our mind. Without question, whatever is in that Book of Law, is our truth." Pages 8-9.

Later on in that chapter he continues with, "That is why humans resist life. To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have: our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive --- the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourself is the biggest fear of humans." (Page 17)

Then there is the idea of perfection, and another author, Brene Brown, that has a book on the Gifts of Imperfection. I've always been told to be perfect, but that's just to stinkin' hard!! How can anyone expect me to be perfect all the time??

I have a lot to do, and many excuses to not do them, which are keeping me stuck in that same spot. In a dead end job with lack of sleep, and lots of stress about keeping up at a pace that is hard to make if not doing the correct things.

Then there is the living environment, and.... I'm not happy with how I am living but there is a picture that I put on my phone that comes to mind...



Exercise is one thing, and life is another thing, don't give up. It's the same thing right now, don't give up just because looking for a job is hard, or that life is hard, or that you give into the same justification that I have been using for years. I have been using well, I have been on a special education plan since second grade, I can't be any better than that. Yet I have a B.S. in Psychology, who could achieve that if not for hard work and perseverance. I have tackled very hard things and up until now, I have limited myself in what I can truly do. It's time to not let the past get in the way of the future, it's time to change my life. One day at a time, and never giving up, and never giving into suicide. Life is worth living, and there is a lot to do, Time to get off my butt and go to work. 

The Future

I have always had a fear of the future, and not wanting to face adversity. I finished my degree (B.S. in Psychology) and now I don't know what to do with myself. I want to do mental health counseling but I have my own crap to deal with. I have complex PTSD, Depression, and an addiction. I did talk with a few people to ease the pain of the last few days. My living situation has changed and I'm not handling it well. I don't know what the future has in store for me but I do know there will be lots of changes. I want to just scream!!!!And then cry for quite a while.

Lunch time

Finally a chance for change. I'm actually enjoying life. Now I need a life goal and a bunch of smaller goals to do every day. What that is? I still don't know.
What I do know is this
1) I want to help individuals to have a full and happy life
2) I want to write a symphony
3) I want a social life and friends
4) I want to be rid of trauma so that I can really be me

What to do to accomplish them.... lots of hard consistent work... but I need a life book with how and what I will do every day to get closer to my goals. This life takes work and I want to have a better lifem

I feel Nothing

For months,  I have been addicted to si. I finally understand the feeling behind it. Its a feeling of nothing and wanting to feel something, anything.  To feel alive, whole, like I matter to others.  That I'm loved. I have suffered traumatic events that have lead me down a hard road. A place that I never imagined. I almost can't go on feeling nothing. Its such an intense feeling, that it overwhelms me into thinking about pain and pleasure to end the nothing feeling.

I have been kicked out by a church owned university, been through fires, and bomb threats,  now I seek to escape my past, anyway possible. And that scares me. I want to be free of this pain.... but how? How do I let this out?

Time passes slowly

The nights are hard again. Tonight/this morning seems like its going in slow motion. Its too hard to sleep, and too hard to not. I started reading a book and it mentions a suicide mission. .... its triggering to read. I then start to think about it..... darn habituation in the reticular formation. I've been told a few things over the years to help in this situation. 1) STR- Stop, Think, React 2) Call it for what it is and 3) Refocus the mind, quickly and stop it! The third is the hardest, and one I came up with, except for Stop It which came from a YouTube video. The other two I owe credit to others. STR works quickly. Call it for what it is takes a bit more time, but refocusing the mind can take time and patience. .... something in short supply. I want to finish the book but I'm not sure if I can handle the content. Which scares me. There's fear in the future over helping those in crisis. Part due to PTSD and part due to wanting to help them, from suffering the way I have had too. Seeing people after an event like that is scaring. But there family goes through so much, if the suicide happens. Is what I'm feeling too much for me?..... yes! I want to finish the book but is it time, am I ready? What do I really want from life?