For months, I have been addicted to si. I finally understand the feeling behind it. Its a feeling of nothing and wanting to feel something, anything. To feel alive, whole, like I matter to others. That I'm loved. I have suffered traumatic events that have lead me down a hard road. A place that I never imagined. I almost can't go on feeling nothing. Its such an intense feeling, that it overwhelms me into thinking about pain and pleasure to end the nothing feeling.
I have been kicked out by a church owned university, been through fires, and bomb threats, now I seek to escape my past, anyway possible. And that scares me. I want to be free of this pain.... but how? How do I let this out?
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