It's time to come out of pre-contemplation and into contemplation. If you don't know I'm a Sex Addict. I have taken it upon myself to try doing this with just the help of the professionals, until I can find a sponsor to talk with. Until then, I'll put some of my recovery items on here. I choose to do this because I need to be honest with myself, and honestly this is the best way for me to really think about this journey that I'm on.
What else do I do but go to Google?!
I found several good resources, one called the "Triangle SAA Getting Started- Writing a Sobriety Plan" and I find that it is the one to start with... so here goes. I want to say thank you to those that have written this, the responses will be on here but the questions please go to: http://www.saatriangle.org
This class is 8 weeks long..... I hope I can stick with it.
For tonight I will just Read from Addictive Shame Cycle. Then tomorrow I will work on the next bullet and so forth.
Reactions from Reading Mahatma Gandhi poem
Beliefs are the basic building blocks of your destiny. That seems like it sums it up quite well. Awareness is the first key to fighting back on beliefs. More importantly a Plan is only as good as it is followed... and I've learned I need to work at following plans.
A plan is only as good as it is developed and followed. What are some of the reasons why I hate following plans? I believe that..... And then my mind goes blank. I hate following plans because I like to stand out, but that's the addiction talking, not me. I'm good at planning things but I find myself trying to follow them, because I make them too complex. That's the Key, don't make it too complex that one can not follow the plan.
There are three questions resulting triggers... and I need to adopt them for my situation.
Am I feeling horny?
If I am horny what stage of the Addictive Shame cycle am I on right now?
What is my plan for dealing with this feeling?
I have found that sometimes it's just a feeling that I can't identify but at the same time, I'm trying to hide my feelings from myself because it's a learned skill. Now it's time to get out of it.....so I ask these questions right now.
Right now I am feeling like I want to use, because I am triggered to avoid feeling.... Like What??? What the heck am I feeling right now??? So I go back to Inside Out..... a Disney Movie that recognizes 5 emotions, Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger, and Fear. Right now I am feeling Disgust in the fact that I have to focus on this addiction. Anger that I can't get past this addiction with more than a few days. Fear that what will happen in the next 2 days will not go well. Sadness that I am still up....
Joy in the fact that I have a very exciting day tomorrow. That's a lot of emotions and I am feeling none of them heavily. So how do I choose just one emotion that over powers the rest.... I should change the step one to this...
We admitted we were powerless over our emotions and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Sex addiction is just a symptom of a greater disease. Addiction to feeling ambivalent. Even as I type that it doesn't feel real. Honestly I am a Codependent. But the time is now 12:30 am... It's time to read for a bit and go to sleep.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Monday, November 16, 2015
My Circles
I could have gone to a meeting tonight but decided to stay home and write. More or less I just wanted time to watch what I want to watch for once....At the same time I need support, but at the same time I need to fully decide what my Circles are.... If you are familiar with SAA then you may have heard of the three circles. My inner circle behaviors include, sex with another person who is not my husband, masturbation, and self-injury. My middle circle behaviors include looking at pornography, on Fling/SnapSext. My outer circle behaviors include going to meetings, working on my steps, working on counseling activities....
With that being said, I need to focus on my outer behaviors to escape my inner behaviors. That also includes making friends and finding a job that allows me to attend meetings. Most importantly I need to start working the steps, but what the heck does that mean???
With that being said, I need to focus on my outer behaviors to escape my inner behaviors. That also includes making friends and finding a job that allows me to attend meetings. Most importantly I need to start working the steps, but what the heck does that mean???
Friday, November 6, 2015
The Past
It's time for me to come clean and actually talk about what happened, and the things that I have been trying to HIDE!!! We all have these things.... but I'm listening to Slipknot right now, and "Don't Get Close" It's not the normal music that I listen to but I have to get out of my head and that seems like the best type of music when I'm ANGRY!!!
Excuse the Language but I'm not censoring this anymore. It's time to let this shit out! My hope is that this helps me to move on and make connection. Even as I sit I can't sit still. I have to move. This is so uncomfortable that I hate being in my own skin. So here I go, for the world to read, if they choose.
I take you back to school days when I was really little, I was bullied as a child and never accepted for who I was, so I never accepted myself and always wanted to be better. As I grew up, I tried to hide, because, I thought no one wanted to know my story, because I was worthless. All to find out that this is SHIT!!!!! I do have worth. But I believed that I couldn't do anything right. I slowly lost my sense of self, hiding behind doing well in school until I felt actually connected to others.
Just before my senior year, I took a trip with my parents and I thought that the trip was good, and there was no one to put me down, only myself.
I almost have to pause here to keep my head on straight....
These are truths that I have never admitted to myself, and now it's a bit overwhelming... enough that I want to just stay up all night, and get it out.
The self-abuse didn't stop there, no, it continued. That was when I had my first thought of "I should be dead" Even just typing that it feels unreal and far fetched. I held on to that, and told a friend, and he flipped out. I still remember how he flipped especially when I got out late and thought, "oh he won't be up, so I won't call" The next time I saw him he was relieved that I was still alive, and yet so PISSED OFF that I didn't call. I still remember that day clearly, but I rationalized like everything else...
I have rationalized myself into hating everyone, and now, I have to escape.
I find myself wanting to dissociate because this is just so painful, and so raw, and the first time that it has come out. That the next part I'm not sure I can even get out.... But I have to. It has to be this way. I have to share with the world then maybe I can share with those around me. I hope that this helps me, but then my story is out there, even now I don't want to move on... but I have too.
Then the suicidal thinking started for real, a few months later. and I had fully withdrawn from life. But that wasn't the end of my withdrawal. Oh no, I had to continue.
And now I have goose bumps... I hate this but I have to get it out. I don't even know if I can post this yet, but I want this to be RAW!!
This is so painful to even get out that I wonder if I can do this but I have too!!! I want to run right now!!!!!!!!! Run far far away.
Then I went off to college, thinking that it was the right college due to the price, but then things started to happen. People got concerned, and took their concerns to other people, instead of ME. I FUCKING HATE THEM!!! Worst of all they were my roommates... some friends right. I thought they were friends but who am I kidding, I never really had friends while I was young, I never allowed people in because of the treatment from the bullies. That has stated with me. Then another bully came into my life at that point.... the University got involved, they asked me to be on probation for having anxiety attacks, that caused others to worry about me... Isn't that FUCKING LIFE!!!!
But no, it was all about them, and how they had to feel like they had to take care of me, when I was freaking out over nothing...I don't even remember what caused the anxiety. I just remember the result. I was kicked out of that university, then I was stupid enough to not fight back, and then go back to mom and dad. Oh and I was stupid enough to bust my BUTT and return to that university because it was my dream to get a degree.. but someone had a different plan for me. I got through a semester then the anxiety attacks returned the following semester. and my roommates were fine with helping me get through it, but the university was not willing. I got kicked out and once again I didn't fight back, I just allowed the Bully to win!!!
Now looking back, WHY did I let the BULLY win... it's my life, not theirs. But it was years of conditioned responses... to conditioned stimuli!!!
I don't even know if I 'm making sense but I don't fucking care. I want this to be raw, and enough so that I can look back and see were I was. And yet something is happening inside me, I just have to let this all out. I am an addict, I seek to hide all my shit and my past and just have sex. It's compulsive but It's also become that way because I never learned how to stand up and say NO!!!! I feel like I have to say yes to everyone, so I say yes, but in the end it hurts me.
This only hurts me.... well that statement is incorrect, my whole family is dysfunctional! I thought for the longest time that they were all healthy but, socially they are all not healthy. I don't even know what that looks like anymore.
Anyway, I have hurt a lot of people and I hope that after I forgive myself that forgiving them will be easy, but I was the ultimate bully!! I believed that I was SHIT!! that I was worthless because others thought that way, because I was on an IEP and a 504, just ways to help me grow and to learn but I took it as a negative thing. And so did the people around me!! I was not the only one but I was the one that stood out.I was different .. I didn't know why, but I was different, I was the new kid, and kids are mean!! It stuck, I didn't have too many friends and the friends that I did have moved away, I felt abandoned by everyone. I didn't have my cousins close like I had growing up they were all in a different state. SO I started to Isolate. But not only isolate from others but from myself. Honestly that is the one HORROR that I never wanted to let out but I have to. I have to let the past go. This is a way for me to really feel again, and get reconnected to people, find out things about them, share my life with people...
Now I just want to clean and RUN!!
What was this like? I can already hear my therapist say, and honestly, this was painful!! but I got it out, and I hope that I can read this in 13 hours and 30 minutes.
Excuse the Language but I'm not censoring this anymore. It's time to let this shit out! My hope is that this helps me to move on and make connection. Even as I sit I can't sit still. I have to move. This is so uncomfortable that I hate being in my own skin. So here I go, for the world to read, if they choose.
I take you back to school days when I was really little, I was bullied as a child and never accepted for who I was, so I never accepted myself and always wanted to be better. As I grew up, I tried to hide, because, I thought no one wanted to know my story, because I was worthless. All to find out that this is SHIT!!!!! I do have worth. But I believed that I couldn't do anything right. I slowly lost my sense of self, hiding behind doing well in school until I felt actually connected to others.
Just before my senior year, I took a trip with my parents and I thought that the trip was good, and there was no one to put me down, only myself.
I almost have to pause here to keep my head on straight....
These are truths that I have never admitted to myself, and now it's a bit overwhelming... enough that I want to just stay up all night, and get it out.
The self-abuse didn't stop there, no, it continued. That was when I had my first thought of "I should be dead" Even just typing that it feels unreal and far fetched. I held on to that, and told a friend, and he flipped out. I still remember how he flipped especially when I got out late and thought, "oh he won't be up, so I won't call" The next time I saw him he was relieved that I was still alive, and yet so PISSED OFF that I didn't call. I still remember that day clearly, but I rationalized like everything else...
I have rationalized myself into hating everyone, and now, I have to escape.
I find myself wanting to dissociate because this is just so painful, and so raw, and the first time that it has come out. That the next part I'm not sure I can even get out.... But I have to. It has to be this way. I have to share with the world then maybe I can share with those around me. I hope that this helps me, but then my story is out there, even now I don't want to move on... but I have too.
Then the suicidal thinking started for real, a few months later. and I had fully withdrawn from life. But that wasn't the end of my withdrawal. Oh no, I had to continue.
And now I have goose bumps... I hate this but I have to get it out. I don't even know if I can post this yet, but I want this to be RAW!!
This is so painful to even get out that I wonder if I can do this but I have too!!! I want to run right now!!!!!!!!! Run far far away.
Then I went off to college, thinking that it was the right college due to the price, but then things started to happen. People got concerned, and took their concerns to other people, instead of ME. I FUCKING HATE THEM!!! Worst of all they were my roommates... some friends right. I thought they were friends but who am I kidding, I never really had friends while I was young, I never allowed people in because of the treatment from the bullies. That has stated with me. Then another bully came into my life at that point.... the University got involved, they asked me to be on probation for having anxiety attacks, that caused others to worry about me... Isn't that FUCKING LIFE!!!!
But no, it was all about them, and how they had to feel like they had to take care of me, when I was freaking out over nothing...I don't even remember what caused the anxiety. I just remember the result. I was kicked out of that university, then I was stupid enough to not fight back, and then go back to mom and dad. Oh and I was stupid enough to bust my BUTT and return to that university because it was my dream to get a degree.. but someone had a different plan for me. I got through a semester then the anxiety attacks returned the following semester. and my roommates were fine with helping me get through it, but the university was not willing. I got kicked out and once again I didn't fight back, I just allowed the Bully to win!!!
Now looking back, WHY did I let the BULLY win... it's my life, not theirs. But it was years of conditioned responses... to conditioned stimuli!!!
I don't even know if I 'm making sense but I don't fucking care. I want this to be raw, and enough so that I can look back and see were I was. And yet something is happening inside me, I just have to let this all out. I am an addict, I seek to hide all my shit and my past and just have sex. It's compulsive but It's also become that way because I never learned how to stand up and say NO!!!! I feel like I have to say yes to everyone, so I say yes, but in the end it hurts me.
This only hurts me.... well that statement is incorrect, my whole family is dysfunctional! I thought for the longest time that they were all healthy but, socially they are all not healthy. I don't even know what that looks like anymore.
Anyway, I have hurt a lot of people and I hope that after I forgive myself that forgiving them will be easy, but I was the ultimate bully!! I believed that I was SHIT!! that I was worthless because others thought that way, because I was on an IEP and a 504, just ways to help me grow and to learn but I took it as a negative thing. And so did the people around me!! I was not the only one but I was the one that stood out.I was different .. I didn't know why, but I was different, I was the new kid, and kids are mean!! It stuck, I didn't have too many friends and the friends that I did have moved away, I felt abandoned by everyone. I didn't have my cousins close like I had growing up they were all in a different state. SO I started to Isolate. But not only isolate from others but from myself. Honestly that is the one HORROR that I never wanted to let out but I have to. I have to let the past go. This is a way for me to really feel again, and get reconnected to people, find out things about them, share my life with people...
Now I just want to clean and RUN!!
What was this like? I can already hear my therapist say, and honestly, this was painful!! but I got it out, and I hope that I can read this in 13 hours and 30 minutes.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Music on My Stand
I have things to do, yet I feel like blogging to try and get a few things out. I am growing frustrated with how I feel. I missed my meds on accident yesterday and now I'm feeling the effects of not wanting to do anything. I have things to do!! Music to practice and get up to speed.Yet, I know that there are bigger issues then just the music.
I was told recently that I am very cryptic, but that's all I know how to be. How can a person be more direct, when in the mind they are not direct in their thoughts? I avoid what I am thinking because I hate what I think. Plainly I hate me. I hate who I have become and I hate what it will take to get out of it. so how do I be more direct when I hate being direct?
Truth:
I hate myself because I hate having to hide who I am from those that I love out of fear that they won't accept me for me... but is there faulty core beliefs behind that statement... ah YES!!! Why do I fear what I have become around even myself?? One fact keeps coming up, I hate me!!
I know I'm not alone but how do I not hate me!?
This all started off with music that I have to get ready to preform and have lack of will to start preparing the music. I see the thought in my mind and I see it float of into the distance just like in DBT, but it's not enough to just let it go. I have to change!!! But HOW??
I was told recently that I am very cryptic, but that's all I know how to be. How can a person be more direct, when in the mind they are not direct in their thoughts? I avoid what I am thinking because I hate what I think. Plainly I hate me. I hate who I have become and I hate what it will take to get out of it. so how do I be more direct when I hate being direct?
Truth:
I hate myself because I hate having to hide who I am from those that I love out of fear that they won't accept me for me... but is there faulty core beliefs behind that statement... ah YES!!! Why do I fear what I have become around even myself?? One fact keeps coming up, I hate me!!
I know I'm not alone but how do I not hate me!?
This all started off with music that I have to get ready to preform and have lack of will to start preparing the music. I see the thought in my mind and I see it float of into the distance just like in DBT, but it's not enough to just let it go. I have to change!!! But HOW??
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Why stop?
I wanted to focus on triggers, I know that there is a problem but don't want to do anything about this problem. Or do I??
Reasons for stopping
I can see the impact in not only my life but in those around me
Unwanted Pregnancy
STD's
It's not true love
Reasons to continue
I like the physical connection
I feel like I'm pretty
I like the rush of being able to have sex
Are my reasons for stopping strong enough to stop me?? Do I want this to impact my future?
These two questions are a bit shocking, because I thought I was in recovery. But I'm not. I honestly don't want to be pregnant, or have too many of the people around me know that I use sex when I just can't take life anymore. I guess I got tired of harming myself but why did I start this when it is still considered self-harm to try and be pregnant. What am I really trying to do?
I see the cursor blink and think what am I going to do next? What would change really look like for me?
I got told today that I am too cryptic when I talk but that's just me. Or can I be more direct? What does it mean to not be so cryptic? Then again I want to hide myself, because I hate me!!! I have grown up with being bullied and I'm tired of bulling myself because of it. I know why I am cryptic and that's to hide the real me. When I am at work, I feel like I can be me, but at home, I have to be who my family wants me to be. That's It!!!!That's my reason for being cryptic and not genuine. I can be true to myself on her but that's because I'm not afraid to show the real me.
So much has happened and I need to take my profile down on a website and block access to it on all devices, the only question is how do I start to deal with all this crap!!!???
The answer is in the question. I need to find a way or a person to help me block these sites from my plan, and I have to do this because I don't want to end up pregnant!! That's just not worth it because it changes my whole outlook.
After all this I must re-write my reasons for stopping, yet I don't want to but I have to be genuine with myself.
Unwanted Pregnancy outside of Marriage
Health Problems
Need to be on Birth control
Loss of Respect in self
Family dis-respect
Loss of trust around self and others
Loss of sleep
Loss of self-worth
Loss of the church
If I don't stop today and find away to block these websites I will continue to find away to use. But I don't know how to do this, or who to ask. So I'll start with looking myself until I am ready to ask for help...
Right now this is still shaming to even deal with but it has to be done. I have to!!! For my own sanity and so that I can be genuine with myself.
That's what it is really about. I can't be genuine with myself so I hide myself from myself. I hope that makes sense.
Reasons for stopping
I can see the impact in not only my life but in those around me
Unwanted Pregnancy
STD's
It's not true love
Reasons to continue
I like the physical connection
I feel like I'm pretty
I like the rush of being able to have sex
Are my reasons for stopping strong enough to stop me?? Do I want this to impact my future?
These two questions are a bit shocking, because I thought I was in recovery. But I'm not. I honestly don't want to be pregnant, or have too many of the people around me know that I use sex when I just can't take life anymore. I guess I got tired of harming myself but why did I start this when it is still considered self-harm to try and be pregnant. What am I really trying to do?
I see the cursor blink and think what am I going to do next? What would change really look like for me?
I got told today that I am too cryptic when I talk but that's just me. Or can I be more direct? What does it mean to not be so cryptic? Then again I want to hide myself, because I hate me!!! I have grown up with being bullied and I'm tired of bulling myself because of it. I know why I am cryptic and that's to hide the real me. When I am at work, I feel like I can be me, but at home, I have to be who my family wants me to be. That's It!!!!That's my reason for being cryptic and not genuine. I can be true to myself on her but that's because I'm not afraid to show the real me.
So much has happened and I need to take my profile down on a website and block access to it on all devices, the only question is how do I start to deal with all this crap!!!???
The answer is in the question. I need to find a way or a person to help me block these sites from my plan, and I have to do this because I don't want to end up pregnant!! That's just not worth it because it changes my whole outlook.
After all this I must re-write my reasons for stopping, yet I don't want to but I have to be genuine with myself.
Unwanted Pregnancy outside of Marriage
Health Problems
Need to be on Birth control
Loss of Respect in self
Family dis-respect
Loss of trust around self and others
Loss of sleep
Loss of self-worth
Loss of the church
If I don't stop today and find away to block these websites I will continue to find away to use. But I don't know how to do this, or who to ask. So I'll start with looking myself until I am ready to ask for help...
Right now this is still shaming to even deal with but it has to be done. I have to!!! For my own sanity and so that I can be genuine with myself.
That's what it is really about. I can't be genuine with myself so I hide myself from myself. I hope that makes sense.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
What did i do???? 2
I want to be open and honest if you my readers, but there's so much shame. I don't even know my reasons for quitting anymore. I need to figure out these reasons before I can move on. What are these are reasons? Why do I feel like I need to stop? One reason is I can't live a double life anymore. Another reason is I can't continue with this behavior and have it not ruin my life.
What did I do? Why this change of heart? Honestly I just don't know anymore. And at the same time I have to get this out there. I used tonight and I feel absolutely awful because of it. Right now I'm very depressed and anxious and its almost getting to the point where I just don't want to live anymore. Life is becoming too difficult, especially with everything that's going on right now. I'm just playing a lot of vulnerability right now in saying this but I can't continue going on like this. It's 4 a.m. and I'm still up after almost 20 hours of being up. The thing is I just don't feel tired. I want to keep using. Why is it so hard? Why do I want to call the Crisis Line right now? Yet I know part of me just need to talk to another human being.
So what do I do? Do I just make the call and talk with someone? Can it be anyone? Or do I need a specific person? There are just so many questions right now because of loss of power that I feel when I use. I guess I should just call and talk to another human being and then maybe I can get some sleep. And I don't want to wake them up right now. Because I feel like I'm not important enough.
I used and now I feel awful. I just can't take it!!! What do I do? That's the big question of the night. I know that I'm accountable not only to myself that to a friend and a sponsor and now I just want to run and hide. How do I escape on my form of escaping no longer works? I just don't know if I can take this life anymore and that's my cue to call. I can't think about others when I'm like this..... Or do I just need venting and sleep??? I'll let you all know when I decide.
Thursday, October 1, 2015
GRE Prep???
I'm trying to decide if starting to study for the GRE is the right time. I am in the process of making a huge life change and I wonder if my brain is ready for all this information?! I know what I want to do, but do I just go with the program that doesn't require the GRE or do I do the more competitive program? Questions, Questions...
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Mastering Awareness
Awareness of the problem is the first step to changing your agreements, according to Don Miguel Ruiz. (Not a direct quote from his books just a general description)I started a path to awareness and now I'm not sure if I want to continue or not... It deals with mastering awareness of the Book of Law. When he said that it would take a year I wondered if I had that much time to practice this awareness. I'm Already living by some of the agreements, so why is the book of Law so important. Then I thought it is a starting ground to judge how far I have come.... but then I'm making assumptions again. I started on this path because of my therapist suggesting that I read the Four Agreements. Now I have taken on a study of the work, I have read the book several times now and get something new out of it each time I read it, but what is stopping me from creating a book of law? Is it fear? Or is it something else?
Monday, September 28, 2015
More Books... where do I start??
Sure just pick one book.... and how exactly do I do that when the books look so good.... I see the stack and I eye them, wondering which one to start with. That's my dilemma today. I just don't know which one will be exciting enough to start reading....therefore I start to write hoping that this will help my indecision. I am in two different classes and I need to spend time with the material but I just don't feel like reading, so I sit down and type hoping that this would help me make a decision. So far it's just left me with questions. Then I get on and look at motivational quotes... to see if that would help me decide but I'm having the same issue right now that a client has, the indecision of choice. Although I know that I have the time off and away from him things keep happening that I take on their behavior.... and it's starting to annoy me. I need to be my own person, but who is that person really??
I'm wondering a core issue, who am I?? Where am I going?? What the heck am I doing with my time?
I know I'm not alone in this quest but, right now I feel alone. The motivational quotes say just to do it, and I guess their right but where do I begin?? People say to just begin but what if I don't feel like it... what if I don't know? Well, I'm here to find out...
I'm wondering a core issue, who am I?? Where am I going?? What the heck am I doing with my time?
I know I'm not alone in this quest but, right now I feel alone. The motivational quotes say just to do it, and I guess their right but where do I begin?? People say to just begin but what if I don't feel like it... what if I don't know? Well, I'm here to find out...
Sunday, September 20, 2015
WHAT HAVE I DONE?????
I finally confessed to the addiction and how serious it got with a trusted friend. Now I'm saying what was I thinking??? What have I done? Will this ruin my family life, or can I continue to hide from them?? This particular addiction is one of secrets, like most addictions but at the same time, it's not well understood either. I think we have some things wrong with how society works today. And I'm calling it B.S.!!!! We used to have this society that we all worked and we all had a purpose. Now we all search for our purpose in life. At least in Developed Countries!! It has come down to this, we as a people are not as busy as we need to be to stay away form addictive patterns.
As Say Something is playing.....I have to speak out, we have to change our people will give up on themselves!!!!!!!
"I will swallow my pride, Your the one that I love, and I'm saying Good Bye!!!!"
Good bye old life of addiction. I can't deal with you anymore. I have to put some clear boundaries up. I have to be the strong one!!
The next question, is am I determined enough???
Now the ramifications... I could be disciplined for these choices, and that could look like anything, and frankly I'm FREAKING OUT!!!! Once I left the office I had to calm down, from thinking, what the heck did I do?? It took me a bit but then I was able to drive home. Then came time for something I believe I should have been too... and I couldn't go. I had to make up an excuse of not having enough gas money. Which is totally TRUE!!! So I started to write this out, hoping that it would get the words out, enough for me to move on and continue with something that is exciting, like was suggested. I'm trying to do something creative as well but I just don't want to. I don't want to do this, and it's starting to scare me. What did I do?? Was this the right decision?????
As Say Something is playing.....I have to speak out, we have to change our people will give up on themselves!!!!!!!
"I will swallow my pride, Your the one that I love, and I'm saying Good Bye!!!!"
Good bye old life of addiction. I can't deal with you anymore. I have to put some clear boundaries up. I have to be the strong one!!
The next question, is am I determined enough???
Now the ramifications... I could be disciplined for these choices, and that could look like anything, and frankly I'm FREAKING OUT!!!! Once I left the office I had to calm down, from thinking, what the heck did I do?? It took me a bit but then I was able to drive home. Then came time for something I believe I should have been too... and I couldn't go. I had to make up an excuse of not having enough gas money. Which is totally TRUE!!! So I started to write this out, hoping that it would get the words out, enough for me to move on and continue with something that is exciting, like was suggested. I'm trying to do something creative as well but I just don't want to. I don't want to do this, and it's starting to scare me. What did I do?? Was this the right decision?????
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Addiction
Over the last few months I have gotten in to an addictive pattern..... and have been non-existing. With this in mine I have to start to readjust to life. But how?? That's where I turn to others and was given an assignment on Self-Image. I have spent the week trying to ignore it but I can't ignore it any longer. There has been things happening that have lead me to saying, I am an addict, and I know I have a problem. I feel bad and unworthy when.... that'st the thing, I don't feel bad. How can I write on this if it's not how I feel right now. I do on the other hand feel unworthy of love and life. I feel like I can't be loved, or the fact that I'm not worthy to live. I feel that I can't go on and don't want to deal with life... yet that's how some people feel. so I feel bad and unworthy when I give into my body. Even writing this is hard, but it has to be done. I can't keep living like this anymore.I can't keep being on particular websites because it is dangerous to my emotional health... not to mention my physical health. I cover up my feelings by engaging in sexual activity and self harm to cover up the need to be perfect and to feel clean again. I don't feel clean at all, after all that I have done. I don't feel like I can go back to what I was. I generally feel best about myself when I am perfect and can deal with lots of stress. Next I move on to what I am certain of, no one will love me for who I am so I must hide my true self. This is true for me because if my family knew who I was then they would reject me and kick me out of the family. I can't bear the thought of their disappointment in me and in what I used to stand for. But am I writing this for what reason????
I feel like my needs are not being met, and that I have very strong sexual desires. I want to be able to use my body as I please but within reason.
I feel like my needs are not being met, and that I have very strong sexual desires. I want to be able to use my body as I please but within reason.
Giving up addiction
I've had a lot of challenges lately and I feel lost and alone. I have become complacent in life and it has ended in my addiction. There is more coming this week that scares me. Many conversations to have and wondering what will be the best for me. I'm listening to many people talking and I know that it is helping me to become better.
Am I totally committed to life or am I just passive?
Am I totally committed to life or am I just passive?
Love so Fully and Dailies
Today, I love so fully, I don't notice anything else.
Continuing on my path to less fear I start today with a quote from, A Year Without Fear by Tama Kieves. In days like today, I need this reminder to live and love fully. Over the past 2 months I have been in an addictive pattern. It has been hard but it is also fueled by the chains of my past. Today I step out of the darkness and into the light. Today, finally, I can say that I am an addict seeking recovery. The last two months have been full of addictive nature and it has ruled my life. Now I seek to dig my way out of that path and start a new path.
On the day before it says this.
Today, I do not seek support from those who do not understand my journey.
This is perfect for today. I'm not seeking support her, but I do seek my own level of support for this journey, I seek my own support because I understand my Journey. And I seek caring professionals that have been through this, and can help me understand myself, and understand addiction. Today I want to thank them, for all the time and effort that they have given to me, it has blessed my life and will continue to help me on the path to were I seek. I have less then a year to get the most out of this before I even start my professional training. This will be hard but I know I can make it through this.
I was given the obstacle of Dailies.... Something Creative, Exciting, and Relaxing everyday... Today I sit down and find out if my dailies work for that definition. I have set up that I will walk everyday at least 5,000 steps a day, using a FitBit... Well that counts as Relaxing and Exciting but that doesn't work everyday so I must come up with other things that are measurable. mmmm.....
Creative ideas
~Crochet
~Read
~Write in my journal
Exciting
Now this is the tough one......
~Walking with Friends
~Learning something new
~Studying for the GRE
~Getting Points on MPoints
Ok it wasn't that tough but I wonder if these count... oh well they count for me.
Relaxing
~Yoga
~Walking
~ Bath
~Music
I think I can do that now... What was on my original dailies
~Walking 5,000 steps a day
~ Scripture reading
~Recovery Reading
~Emotional health (Blogging or PsychCentral)
Now that things are changing I need a new system that will work for me, one that is on the go..... Too Bad I can't design a program to track all these things but I don't know how.... Dang it!!!! So I have to update my tracking system.... so this is going to change.... I'm still going to get the exercise in and work on strengthening my hand, so that is the new footprint. For the monsters, its recovery reading. For the emotional face, its Emotional health, and I'll have two different stars... One for spiritual, the other for Stars definition of dailies. I just wish I could separate them out more but I've run out of small stickers and space on my calendar... so this will have to do.
Continuing on my path to less fear I start today with a quote from, A Year Without Fear by Tama Kieves. In days like today, I need this reminder to live and love fully. Over the past 2 months I have been in an addictive pattern. It has been hard but it is also fueled by the chains of my past. Today I step out of the darkness and into the light. Today, finally, I can say that I am an addict seeking recovery. The last two months have been full of addictive nature and it has ruled my life. Now I seek to dig my way out of that path and start a new path.
On the day before it says this.
Today, I do not seek support from those who do not understand my journey.
This is perfect for today. I'm not seeking support her, but I do seek my own level of support for this journey, I seek my own support because I understand my Journey. And I seek caring professionals that have been through this, and can help me understand myself, and understand addiction. Today I want to thank them, for all the time and effort that they have given to me, it has blessed my life and will continue to help me on the path to were I seek. I have less then a year to get the most out of this before I even start my professional training. This will be hard but I know I can make it through this.
I was given the obstacle of Dailies.... Something Creative, Exciting, and Relaxing everyday... Today I sit down and find out if my dailies work for that definition. I have set up that I will walk everyday at least 5,000 steps a day, using a FitBit... Well that counts as Relaxing and Exciting but that doesn't work everyday so I must come up with other things that are measurable. mmmm.....
Creative ideas
~Crochet
~Read
~Write in my journal
Exciting
Now this is the tough one......
~Walking with Friends
~Learning something new
~Studying for the GRE
~Getting Points on MPoints
Ok it wasn't that tough but I wonder if these count... oh well they count for me.
Relaxing
~Yoga
~Walking
~ Bath
~Music
I think I can do that now... What was on my original dailies
~Walking 5,000 steps a day
~ Scripture reading
~Recovery Reading
~Emotional health (Blogging or PsychCentral)
Now that things are changing I need a new system that will work for me, one that is on the go..... Too Bad I can't design a program to track all these things but I don't know how.... Dang it!!!! So I have to update my tracking system.... so this is going to change.... I'm still going to get the exercise in and work on strengthening my hand, so that is the new footprint. For the monsters, its recovery reading. For the emotional face, its Emotional health, and I'll have two different stars... One for spiritual, the other for Stars definition of dailies. I just wish I could separate them out more but I've run out of small stickers and space on my calendar... so this will have to do.
Monday, July 13, 2015
The big stack of books......
I have 4 self-help books.... I just don't know where to start.. except for one place.... sleep but I can't sleep right now, I'm wide awake. Then I start to think that I should write, but I don't know what about... Then I think I'll never get through them at this rate. Them just sitting there with me lacking in desire to look at them.... maybe I should go to the library and study there.... but one problem, then I wouldn't have internet. Oh what to do??
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
What next?
I want to die once again. ... this is not working. Or I want to use! What am I supposed to do? Who can I turn to?
I just can't think about this anymore. Its making me think of death. All I know is I don't like this.
In case you just joined me, I am struggling with addiction, depression, BPD, and anxiety. ... and possibly changing counselors. .. I just don't know what ro do.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
What do I want???
This question keeps popping into my mind.... honestly I don't know what I want. What I used to want was to compose a symphony but that seems very far away. First of all, I am LDS, I normally don't put that on this blog but it's important. I've been told so many things that keep coming to my mind. I am a daughter of God, I do not deny that but I wonder what I am supposed to do, and is it in line with what I am doing currently? The answer to that is simple, no. How I am living is not near where I wanted to be but my goals have changed due to addiction. Addiction has taught me a few things, but has led me to a path that I feel like I shouldn't be on. I know that I am off center, and I feel lost because of it. There was a recent decision by the supreme court in the United States, that has left some uneasy feelings. I hate even what it suggests about who I have become. It's bad enough that I hate myself and have wanted death. I feel like it's the ultimate punishment for what I have done, and I should inflict that upon myself. I know there is a lot of cognitive distortions in that statement, and yet I don't care. Satan has RUINED my life, and I hate him for that. But there is one person out there that understands how I feel and can help, but am I willing to let him change me to who I don't know if I want to be.
As I see it, I have two options. 1) Continue in addiction or 2) Lose the addiction. I almost feel like I have to go through both options to fully understand them. so here I go!
1) If I continue in addiction it could lead to unwanted pregnancies, STD's and who know what other damage I could do, or have already done. If I continue I will have to fess up and change my life in a direction that was never promised of me... I will in effect choose Satan.
2) If I lose the addiction I will find God. I can find something that is even more important to me, yet at the same time is it what I want?? Can't I have both lives....?? The answer is simple, NO.
One can not serve two masters and that is what I would be doing. It's not possible to have a double life... Either I will hate the one and love the other, or hold to the one and despise the other. But what do I want?? What will lead me to happiness?? For most this decision is simple, but for me, it hits home and I want to just die because of this. I can't focus on anything besides this, I'm in trouble and I don't want to put the effort into actually have a life that I know that my Father would be proud of.
I do know that he is not happy with the choices that I have made, and he wants me to change, but is this what I want???????
What I want is to be happy, not on medication, and be able to help as many people as I can. It seems simple but I don't know how to get there, will it be books that lead me to the answer, or is it something else that I have not considered? What is it that will lead me to happiness and ultimately to have a life with friends??
I know what I have been taught is correct, but I wonder if it's correct for me at this time, But maybe that's Satan influencing me yet again. Where do I even start?? That I don't know. There is so much to do yet I can't choose just one option and work on that, because I start to think what about that other option. Do I have an issue in starting things?? AH YES!!! How do I change this?? That I don't know. I'm fine after I start, then I can focus, with music on of course....
I think I need to start planning more.... So that I have a check list of things that I get done in a day with no excuses like "Oh I have work" I just need to get off my butt and start, no more waiting for things to change... because let's face it... they're not going to change over night.... Life is not meant to be easy, It's meant to be lived.
As I see it, I have two options. 1) Continue in addiction or 2) Lose the addiction. I almost feel like I have to go through both options to fully understand them. so here I go!
1) If I continue in addiction it could lead to unwanted pregnancies, STD's and who know what other damage I could do, or have already done. If I continue I will have to fess up and change my life in a direction that was never promised of me... I will in effect choose Satan.
2) If I lose the addiction I will find God. I can find something that is even more important to me, yet at the same time is it what I want?? Can't I have both lives....?? The answer is simple, NO.
One can not serve two masters and that is what I would be doing. It's not possible to have a double life... Either I will hate the one and love the other, or hold to the one and despise the other. But what do I want?? What will lead me to happiness?? For most this decision is simple, but for me, it hits home and I want to just die because of this. I can't focus on anything besides this, I'm in trouble and I don't want to put the effort into actually have a life that I know that my Father would be proud of.
I do know that he is not happy with the choices that I have made, and he wants me to change, but is this what I want???????
What I want is to be happy, not on medication, and be able to help as many people as I can. It seems simple but I don't know how to get there, will it be books that lead me to the answer, or is it something else that I have not considered? What is it that will lead me to happiness and ultimately to have a life with friends??
I know what I have been taught is correct, but I wonder if it's correct for me at this time, But maybe that's Satan influencing me yet again. Where do I even start?? That I don't know. There is so much to do yet I can't choose just one option and work on that, because I start to think what about that other option. Do I have an issue in starting things?? AH YES!!! How do I change this?? That I don't know. I'm fine after I start, then I can focus, with music on of course....
I think I need to start planning more.... So that I have a check list of things that I get done in a day with no excuses like "Oh I have work" I just need to get off my butt and start, no more waiting for things to change... because let's face it... they're not going to change over night.... Life is not meant to be easy, It's meant to be lived.
Late night
I'm not sure I want to sleep tonight... I just feel like crap. I was working very hard for 8 hours to hide how I was feeling. Honestly, I wanted to just escape into addiction. Things have been bad lately due to it being 10 years from the first suicidal episode. It's been 10 freaking years of all this crap and I'm just tired of it all!!! Yet I'm trying to work hard to change but it's not working. So how can I fix this?? That's the big question, one that I don't have an answer yet. But I think it comes down to actually trying to live, instead of wanting to die.... I just wish that I could be off medication for a little bit to see how I do... I'm curious what I am without them... maybe my doc and therapist will sign off on it if I change and just get stuff done. Without complaining to them.... I just wish that I was off medication, it's just not helping anymore... making it worse really.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Life?
What the heck am I doing with my life???? Am I really willing to just sit there and do nothing, or am I willing to fight for what I want? This life that I have right now is not worth living for... but how the heck do I change??
Saturday, June 20, 2015
My Fight Song
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
A lot of fight left in me
Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion
This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me
This Song has been playing in my head and on the radio all week.....Because of one line. "Take back my life song, Prove I'm alright song" That's what I have to do, I have to take back my life to prove to myself that I can stop sabotaging myself. I'm still doing that today!!! I'm frustrated and angry at myself and I don't like this feeling, How do I change???? Or do I need to change my room to change myself and get me out of the same shit that I have been doing for the past few months... this has been going on long enough. It's time to get my act back together and do something for me. Then I think if I am strong enough.... another self-sabotage. I really hate this!!!! I don't feel all that safe in my own skin. How do I spend this time by myself if I fucking hate myself. I hate who I have become, and this anger isn't leading to a good point.... It's time to take back my life!!
Friday, June 19, 2015
Put it all in or DEATH
That's my ultimate choice. Do I continue in the path and just die, or do I actually work for what I want in life?? So what do I want in life??
A year ago I wanted
1) To Lose 20 pounds
2) Track social engagements
3) Complete my Bachelor's Degree
4) Read 3 Nephi (Yes I am LDS)
5) Learn major thirds on Clarinet
6) Contact and Job shadow
7) Read a few books
8) Contact Professor about credit load
9) attend the 25 or older institute class
Of those I have done: 3
I don't even want to look at the 5 year goals if these are not being worked on. I just lost interest in life. And that is the problem. I thought it was Motivation problems but, in reality it was self-sabotage. Right now I didn't like who I am. I hate the fact that I only did a third of my goals.... what was I thinking, of just putting the goals on the shelf?
I can't just have things just sit on the shelf anymore, I have to get off my butt and get to work.
I have had to take a pay cut, and so far I don't know how to survive. I have to do something, or I'll sabotage myself and end up in the hospital..... again.... and that would only confirm the need for disability, but I am just challenged... I can do this, I just have to put more effort into my life and do something with my life, NO more SABOTAGING myself. I can't afford another back step... I have to find a plan and start working towards that goal.... but what is that goal?? What do I want??
A year ago I wanted
1) To Lose 20 pounds
2) Track social engagements
3) Complete my Bachelor's Degree
4) Read 3 Nephi (Yes I am LDS)
5) Learn major thirds on Clarinet
6) Contact and Job shadow
7) Read a few books
8) Contact Professor about credit load
9) attend the 25 or older institute class
Of those I have done: 3
I don't even want to look at the 5 year goals if these are not being worked on. I just lost interest in life. And that is the problem. I thought it was Motivation problems but, in reality it was self-sabotage. Right now I didn't like who I am. I hate the fact that I only did a third of my goals.... what was I thinking, of just putting the goals on the shelf?
I can't just have things just sit on the shelf anymore, I have to get off my butt and get to work.
I have had to take a pay cut, and so far I don't know how to survive. I have to do something, or I'll sabotage myself and end up in the hospital..... again.... and that would only confirm the need for disability, but I am just challenged... I can do this, I just have to put more effort into my life and do something with my life, NO more SABOTAGING myself. I can't afford another back step... I have to find a plan and start working towards that goal.... but what is that goal?? What do I want??
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Another round
Another hospitalization.... Please tell me I don't have to go back EVER!!!! I feel like I failed my family in dealing with the situation but it wasn't my fault. I was abused sexually and physically. I couldn't say no!! That's one mistake I will not make again. Worst of all I feel like I don't have a job right now, and it's getting too me.. what will I do with my time besides job hunt.. or should I move home. I'm not self-sufficient, and I hate it. I need some help!! I can't do this alone. That's why I have a higher power, a God, some how this will work out. I just hope I know how it will work out soon.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Is two jobs too much for me??
I've been feeling rather rundown and over worked and I'm starting to wonder if this is too much for me. Then again the situation last night didn't help... it triggered me but I kept in control. I just feel like something is out of wack in my life and it needs to change. But what, How????? I have a second job, and I love both of them but I feel rather overworked and sleep exhausted. I've done both jobs in the past few days and am starting to realize that it could be too much for me, but how can I tell... I need the money, I need to feel like I'm getting someplace in life without so much financial problems. It seems like something needs to change.... I know I have to set some boundaries and that's hard for me. But I also don't want to set boundaries..... Then again if I don't people will continue to walk all over me, and I won't get things accomplished. So I just sent a text message to a friend wondering if we are still a couple...... I'm very nervous about the response. The response was a yes....I told him that I had something that I wanted to go over to decide what type of relationship this is... and I get the response of "okay" I think that word needs to be banned from society... But that's just me. at least I can laugh about what is happening to me.. I need to laugh a bit more.........
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
My boy
I have had glimpses into what the future could be by my therapist. .. I keep thinking about it and its leading to some very uncomfortable thoughts.
By uncomfortable, I mean some suicidal type thoughts. This is not easy. What do I do?
I will follow my instincts and be careful. That's all I can do, really that's all anyone can do. And just enjoy the journey to see if there are changes in both of us. We have seen each other at our worst, now what is it like when we are at our best?
Monday, June 1, 2015
What do I do?? 2
I keep thinking... and this is not ending up very good. I just want to sleep, and not think. I've been thinking about a relationship and it's just not going well. I don't know what to do, so I asked to just be friends but I kinda doubt that decision. I don't know which side of me I am following. It's a very sexually stimulated relationship and I just don't know. How can I tell between my head and my heart? I just don't know.
Yet I know that I'm not the only one that has this issue but, it just seems like I'm all alone... I need some support people. I need some friends. I need a distraction. I need to just take my mind off my pain, both physical and emotional. Please just let me not think.....
Yet I know that I'm not the only one that has this issue but, it just seems like I'm all alone... I need some support people. I need some friends. I need a distraction. I need to just take my mind off my pain, both physical and emotional. Please just let me not think.....
Saturday, May 30, 2015
No longer worried
Everything will be okay. Everything will work out, I just need to turn to God, my higher power. Life isn't simple for me, it's quite complicated but, I can and will get through the weekend. I had a blessing and was told that this is just for a small moment, and I can do this, and not to worry about my job. That some key people in my life will be blessed in being able to help me with what I need. It's a great comfort to know that I'll be okay, and everything will work out. That I will be able to handle the things that have happened this week... and there's a lot. I just hope I can keep my anxiety level under control when I am with a certain person. Here's to the future!!
They can't fire me, can they???
That's the thought that keeps going through my head.... and I had to talk with my therapist about it, Luckily there are things in place to protect me, but they do have the right to know if I'm doing okay and ask questions. I guess I have to be okay with that. I don't want to tell my story but at the same time I need a little extra help these days. I hate asking for help.
I will have to go to the store today, and talk with a few good friends. and If needed call the crisis line to make sure that I can keep myself safe. I know I can but after this week, I'm being careful. I haven't gone over what happened to me yet... and today is the day, at least I have an anti-anxiety medication on board...
Don't think I'll do this alone anymore I need people. :)
I will have to go to the store today, and talk with a few good friends. and If needed call the crisis line to make sure that I can keep myself safe. I know I can but after this week, I'm being careful. I haven't gone over what happened to me yet... and today is the day, at least I have an anti-anxiety medication on board...
Don't think I'll do this alone anymore I need people. :)
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Reread. ... am I really worth the time
Finding my way back to you, is this my way of finding myself... through addiction??? Will I lose myself or will I gain myself back if I continue??
I reread my last post and I'm even more confused... Not just about the letter, but about a guy that seems really nice but will he abuse me, either physically, emotionally, or spiritually...... If he is reading this... I really need his thoughts.... and soon.
What do I do???
"For The First Time"
Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart
While i'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar
And we don't know how, how we got into this mad situation
Only doing things out of frustration
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
She needs me now but i can't seem to find the time
I got a new job now in the unemployment line
And we don't know how, how we got into this mess is it a god's test
Someone help us cause we're doing our best
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time ooh
She's in line at the dole with her head held high
While i just lost my job i didn't lose my pride
And we both know how, how we're going make it work when it hurts
When you pick yourself up you get kicked to the dirt
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Doing things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
Smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time ooh
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart
While i'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar
And we don't know how, how we got into this mad situation
Only doing things out of frustration
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
She needs me now but i can't seem to find the time
I got a new job now in the unemployment line
And we don't know how, how we got into this mess is it a god's test
Someone help us cause we're doing our best
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time ooh
She's in line at the dole with her head held high
While i just lost my job i didn't lose my pride
And we both know how, how we're going make it work when it hurts
When you pick yourself up you get kicked to the dirt
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Doing things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
Smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time ooh
This song really spoke to me right now.... there is so much that is happening, that I just want to cry!! Do I give up on a guy or do I keep going and see where this leads?? For the first time I don't know what to do, and this is getting very complicated. What do I do??
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Reflection
I..... There's a lot of things going through my mind, and I wonder......
Am I ready for life after Depression and Addiction?
Am I ready to come back to the life that I should have had?
Am I ready to give up suicidal thoughts forever?
Am I ready??
Am I ready for LOVE?
Am I ready to tell my family?
There's a lot that I am thinking about tonight, and I kind of know that sleep may be impossible until I get this out. So I ask, Am I ready??
I gave a challenge to myself that I am going to fulfill tonight.... a Letter to myself about what to do when triggers come up, and I want to give into either depression, addiction, or love.
Dear self,
Over the last 10 years you have felt like dying, and wanting to give into addiction. That has to stop today, for there are many things left for you to do in this life. I know you are asking these questions, if you are ready to live a life that you would be proud of, and you are ready, so start today, start by saying yes to yourself, and to others. You have been promised many blessings, and in order to have those blessings, you have to be willing to do the things that you contracted to do, even before this life began. You promised that you would be a force for good, that you would be able to love another and have children. You may not be ready yet to tell your family and scared that you are to give up these thoughts, but you have too... for these reasons!!!
1) Temple marriage
2) it's not just about you anymore
3) Isolation from God and others
4) All of the self-doubt that you have experienced
5)Relationship with God and others.
Now these are not all your reasons, but these are the most important.
Some of the Consequences are these:
1) No temple marriage
2) Damage done both physically, spiritually, and emotionally
3) Relationships with God and others
4) Withdrawal from others and self
5) Mental impacts of relationships
6) Shame, Guilt, and Worries
7) Fear of people finding out
8) No temple admittance
9) Loss of self-respect
10) Loss of healthy sexual desire
11) Language of Mind and Spirit.
If I continue I could lose my life, family, friends, time, relationships, self-respect and temple marriage.Which is important to me!!
Gaining my life back will not be easy, but will be worth every moment, I'll gain:
1) Relationships
2) Temple Marriage
3) My eternal companion
4) Self-respect
5) Love of others and SELF
To love thyself, is to know thyself.
Just a few reminders to say you are enough!!!
There is no need to hurt yourself, if you truly love yourself. So start today with yourself, and find another reason to keep living, and keep loving yourself.
In order to Soar in life one must first love thyself, to do that it takes time to really know thyself and to accept oneself for who you are. Second, one must take time to know thyself, and to really care about who you are. You are what is important no one else matters until you love thyself enough to choose to live. So make that choice, today by not giving into triggers, by doing something for yourself. If your struggling here is a list of things that you can do to love yourself.
1) Become a kid again and COLOR!!!!
2) Play some music that is calming
3) Use your coping skills
4) Take time to read
5) Take time to know who you are by writing
6) Take time to enjoy your musical abilities
7) Take time to enjoy family
There that's one for each day of the week, keep adding to this list, there is always more ways that you can love yourself. Start by taking care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual health everyday, for this is who you truly are, YOURSELF. That's all you can be, yourself.
From
Yourself
There that didn't take long, and I can read this where ever I go, and read it every day until I believe it myself and start living the life that I am meant to have.
Am I ready for life after Depression and Addiction?
Am I ready to come back to the life that I should have had?
Am I ready to give up suicidal thoughts forever?
Am I ready??
Am I ready for LOVE?
Am I ready to tell my family?
There's a lot that I am thinking about tonight, and I kind of know that sleep may be impossible until I get this out. So I ask, Am I ready??
I gave a challenge to myself that I am going to fulfill tonight.... a Letter to myself about what to do when triggers come up, and I want to give into either depression, addiction, or love.
Dear self,
Over the last 10 years you have felt like dying, and wanting to give into addiction. That has to stop today, for there are many things left for you to do in this life. I know you are asking these questions, if you are ready to live a life that you would be proud of, and you are ready, so start today, start by saying yes to yourself, and to others. You have been promised many blessings, and in order to have those blessings, you have to be willing to do the things that you contracted to do, even before this life began. You promised that you would be a force for good, that you would be able to love another and have children. You may not be ready yet to tell your family and scared that you are to give up these thoughts, but you have too... for these reasons!!!
1) Temple marriage
2) it's not just about you anymore
3) Isolation from God and others
4) All of the self-doubt that you have experienced
5)Relationship with God and others.
Now these are not all your reasons, but these are the most important.
Some of the Consequences are these:
1) No temple marriage
2) Damage done both physically, spiritually, and emotionally
3) Relationships with God and others
4) Withdrawal from others and self
5) Mental impacts of relationships
6) Shame, Guilt, and Worries
7) Fear of people finding out
8) No temple admittance
9) Loss of self-respect
10) Loss of healthy sexual desire
11) Language of Mind and Spirit.
If I continue I could lose my life, family, friends, time, relationships, self-respect and temple marriage.Which is important to me!!
Gaining my life back will not be easy, but will be worth every moment, I'll gain:
1) Relationships
2) Temple Marriage
3) My eternal companion
4) Self-respect
5) Love of others and SELF
To love thyself, is to know thyself.
Just a few reminders to say you are enough!!!
There is no need to hurt yourself, if you truly love yourself. So start today with yourself, and find another reason to keep living, and keep loving yourself.
In order to Soar in life one must first love thyself, to do that it takes time to really know thyself and to accept oneself for who you are. Second, one must take time to know thyself, and to really care about who you are. You are what is important no one else matters until you love thyself enough to choose to live. So make that choice, today by not giving into triggers, by doing something for yourself. If your struggling here is a list of things that you can do to love yourself.
1) Become a kid again and COLOR!!!!
2) Play some music that is calming
3) Use your coping skills
4) Take time to read
5) Take time to know who you are by writing
6) Take time to enjoy your musical abilities
7) Take time to enjoy family
There that's one for each day of the week, keep adding to this list, there is always more ways that you can love yourself. Start by taking care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual health everyday, for this is who you truly are, YOURSELF. That's all you can be, yourself.
From
Yourself
There that didn't take long, and I can read this where ever I go, and read it every day until I believe it myself and start living the life that I am meant to have.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Self-Care
I'm wondering what else I can do for self-care, I've hit a rough patch and all I want to do is sleep. Once again, in a depressed state. I keep looking online for resources that may be helpful, and so far, not much. I'm hurting over a choice that I made, and it's bring me to tears. I don't know what else I can do to get myself out of this state fast. Or else I may have to call into work, if I can't get myself out of it quick enough. I just don't know anymore. I want an out, but there is no out. I feel discouraged, and in a lot of emotional shame pain. Maybe talking about it will be helpful but I just don't know anymore. I can't continue like this, something has to change. But what?? What can I change that will provide a big enough impact that will help. I just don't know.
When looking online I came across a Self-care Assessment, I'm scared to try it but I know it will point out where I can change to make it easier... do I do it before a session, or on my own and then talk about it with my therapist.... That's the big question of the hour.
When looking online I came across a Self-care Assessment, I'm scared to try it but I know it will point out where I can change to make it easier... do I do it before a session, or on my own and then talk about it with my therapist.... That's the big question of the hour.
Monday, April 27, 2015
2 hour session
Long session today and there is lots that I have been thinking of. From anger that I shared too much, to shame. Words can not express all that I feel but I'll try... Or will I just leave it for tomorrow... I've already thought of "Or death" several times and It's not a good thing. I was afraid of this happening, and knew I would need another session, so I asked for it.... I can't go at this alone because words are not there to express what I want to say in my head. How can I get it out of my head?
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Daily life... boredom
I find myself getting bored. ...... and not wanting to do much. It just comes with time but its new to me. I need to find a way to make life more inspiring or at least have more to do. I try to read but then with in a few words get bored. I don't like this at all and want to use an old coping skill to get rid of the boredom. .its not helping. Just causing pain... and a bit more shame. Okay so its shame if I get caught. .... oh wait that's guilt. Why can't I escape this yet. I want to play music but it hurts to play..... I need hand strength to do things that I love. And the boredom is becoming more extreme and full of guilt. Then I think of wanting to escape through a bad coping mechanism.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Dailies and Why we do what we do
I've been told dailies help, so I'm going to try it. The last few weeks have been hard and now as I sit and listen to this video, I find that I need to take notes. (video to be given at the end)
There are 4 areas
Relationships
Emotional
Physical
Spiritual
The relationship part is one that I need to work on the most!! What can I do every day to ensure recovery??
Relationships: Get on Social Media and Talk with someone everyday.
Emotional: Journal or Blog
Physical: Walk
Spiritual: Scripture study
There are 4 areas
Relationships
Emotional
Physical
Spiritual
The relationship part is one that I need to work on the most!! What can I do every day to ensure recovery??
Relationships: Get on Social Media and Talk with someone everyday.
Emotional: Journal or Blog
Physical: Walk
Spiritual: Scripture study
This is from another video that I really liked, with some of my notes that I want to think about and really discover for myself.... but I ran our of energy tonight.
What are you going to do?
What does it mean?
What am I going to focus on?
Forces that shape us: In the moment and long-term
6 Needs
Personality 4 main needs:
Certainty
Uncertainty- surprises
Critical- feel special
Connection and Love
Needs of Spirit:
Grow
Contribute beyond ourselves
What is my lead system?
What is my map?
Emotion. 6 thousand emotions: Dominate emotions???
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Fear
I'm changing the content of this blog.. But just for today... I want to focus on my fears and a book called "A Year without Fear" by Tama Kieves. (ISBN: 978-0-399-17353-0) I found this book at the library and wanted to dive into living without fear. I encourage you to buy the book.... as soon as I can I think I'll get it. :)
I was on top of a ladder, one with 12 or so steps and became fearful of heights, then I thought, of all that could happen and it impacted me. I've been afraid of falling off the ladder, which is very common. But today, I want to focus on that and find something to help me overcome my fears, and this book seems like the best place to start.... "Today, I love with boldness. I'm not worried about taking the 'right' actions" This seems to fit the situation. I was afraid that I was not taking the correct actions to keep me safe on top of a ladder.
The previous day talks about saying no to some actions, I have the opportunity to say no, and to say yes. This weekend there is a conference that I want to go to... but it all depends on work. Or I could just say no to work, and say yes the the conference. Decisions, Decisions, but I will not live my life in fear of doing something. That is just something that I have done way too much.
I looked ahead at another date and found this, "Today, I take my time. I have nothing to prove." Now I have to say Wait a minute!!!!!! Taking my time to do things because I have nothing to prove... how can this be. But then I look up and see that Artists take their time in perfecting their creations, just like musicians!!! I don't have to prove anything to myself, Just have to be the best that I can be.
I think that's enough for today. Now to go back to 12 step reading to overcome an addiction. At least I am awake and wanting to do other things than just watch Netflix all day long.
This is a little sample in hopes that many others will buy the book. I will not post more than this, But I can't wait to read the rest of the days. :) Dates not used on purpose. Happy hunting.
I feel so much better after posting this, it has helped me to see that I have lived in fear for quite a long time and, it needs to end. I can't wait to read the rest of the book and journal about it in my personal journal. Although I may share my insights here.
I was on top of a ladder, one with 12 or so steps and became fearful of heights, then I thought, of all that could happen and it impacted me. I've been afraid of falling off the ladder, which is very common. But today, I want to focus on that and find something to help me overcome my fears, and this book seems like the best place to start.... "Today, I love with boldness. I'm not worried about taking the 'right' actions" This seems to fit the situation. I was afraid that I was not taking the correct actions to keep me safe on top of a ladder.
The previous day talks about saying no to some actions, I have the opportunity to say no, and to say yes. This weekend there is a conference that I want to go to... but it all depends on work. Or I could just say no to work, and say yes the the conference. Decisions, Decisions, but I will not live my life in fear of doing something. That is just something that I have done way too much.
I looked ahead at another date and found this, "Today, I take my time. I have nothing to prove." Now I have to say Wait a minute!!!!!! Taking my time to do things because I have nothing to prove... how can this be. But then I look up and see that Artists take their time in perfecting their creations, just like musicians!!! I don't have to prove anything to myself, Just have to be the best that I can be.
I think that's enough for today. Now to go back to 12 step reading to overcome an addiction. At least I am awake and wanting to do other things than just watch Netflix all day long.
This is a little sample in hopes that many others will buy the book. I will not post more than this, But I can't wait to read the rest of the days. :) Dates not used on purpose. Happy hunting.
I feel so much better after posting this, it has helped me to see that I have lived in fear for quite a long time and, it needs to end. I can't wait to read the rest of the book and journal about it in my personal journal. Although I may share my insights here.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Certificate or Master's
What's on my mind??? The title of this post says it all!! I'm thinking of a graduate degree, and don't know the way to go yet. There are so many different programs out there, that I wonder which one is right for me. I'm a recovering addict, and have been through the ringer of different issues with anxiety. I understand the mind, and know that I want to do something with helping people, that I just don't know which or the many to apply for. (have to have the money to do so first, and that's the hard part) I'm sitting in a class trying to focus, but my mind is on the many options that I have available.
I know I like small groups but I have the other side of this to think about..... the mental side. With being a recovering addict, and recovering from depression, this gets in the way of the future because of triggers coming up and triggering me into the old way of thinking.
Personal care is the key to knowing how to help myself to help others. But how do I keep from getting triggered?? I guess that comes with practice, and PsychCentral will help with that. For those that don't know, PsychCentral is a community of people with mental health concerns, where we can help each other get through the tests of life. I normally don't put my personal feelings on here, but this site has helped me get through some of the hard days, by letting me know that I am not alone. There are others out there that have been there, and are there now.
I don't know the answer yet to the question but at least I know what I am doing from today on, and that is continuing to look for programs that I can start, with and without the GRE and/or MAT. I just wonder what I can find, and what state this will require me to go to... Time will tell. :)
On the mental side of things, I have seen some improvements that allow me to even think about continuing my education, but I know that the job that I really want requires more schooling than what I currently have. I just have to find the right program at the right time, to do what I really want to do. I just don't know what I want because I'm not in full recovery, but I am getting close.
I know I like small groups but I have the other side of this to think about..... the mental side. With being a recovering addict, and recovering from depression, this gets in the way of the future because of triggers coming up and triggering me into the old way of thinking.
Personal care is the key to knowing how to help myself to help others. But how do I keep from getting triggered?? I guess that comes with practice, and PsychCentral will help with that. For those that don't know, PsychCentral is a community of people with mental health concerns, where we can help each other get through the tests of life. I normally don't put my personal feelings on here, but this site has helped me get through some of the hard days, by letting me know that I am not alone. There are others out there that have been there, and are there now.
I don't know the answer yet to the question but at least I know what I am doing from today on, and that is continuing to look for programs that I can start, with and without the GRE and/or MAT. I just wonder what I can find, and what state this will require me to go to... Time will tell. :)
On the mental side of things, I have seen some improvements that allow me to even think about continuing my education, but I know that the job that I really want requires more schooling than what I currently have. I just have to find the right program at the right time, to do what I really want to do. I just don't know what I want because I'm not in full recovery, but I am getting close.
Monday, February 23, 2015
The future
What's next? That's the main question. I finished my degree. I want into my field but, I need more schooling.
I have way too much time on my hands. I'm trying to figure out what to do, there's too many options!
I know I'm not the only one that has asked, but what do I do with myself? Having too much time for an addict is dangerous! I slipped this week and went back into my addictions. That's what time with nothing exciting has done. I'm not as happy this week as I was last week, what changed? That's what I'm trying to figure out..... and I haven't yet. Besides the shame, over the slip.... that's it! It has too be. I realize that I messed up, and I'm sharing it with some people is hard but I have too. Good bye addiction, we are through!
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Early Morning !!!Trigger warning!!!
I'm not even suppose to be at work, yet I'm wide awake!!!!!! It's 4:30 am, I have a movie on, and the light dimmed. Yet I'm not fully awake, still tired just needed to be out of my room, away from the smell of Spearmint. In hopes that it would get my headache and decrease the intensity. But I'm still tired, awake but tired.... not the best combination. I may try and sleep out here but for now my mind is still on what do I do with myself. Anxiety is high, triggers are high, and I've already slipped twice in less than 24 hours. I'm not happy. Nothing about this situation makes me happy. I'm turning 27, and still single with no prospects, not too many friends, and I'm not happy. Sleeping is a problem, headaches are daily, and I just don't want to keep living this way. I have enough pills to do it, enough problems anyway, why do I have to keep fighting??? Would I say I'm suicidal.......... yes. Do I trust myself to be alone today? No. Do I have to keep being alone? maybe... can I just get some sleep and stay asleep.... please. Can it be longer than 6 hours?? Please. I just want to sleep....
What's my purpose?? That I just don't know.
What's my purpose?? That I just don't know.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
WHAT do I do with myself????
Ever since a little kid, everyone asked us what we wanted to be when we grow up. I'm about to hit another year, and am wondering what do I do with myself???
Aspects that I do not like
Sitting on my butt watching TV
Working on the computer constantly
Not having to many friends
Having suicidal thoughts
Being Codependent on others
Being Lazy
Aspects that I want in my life
Friends
Active life
Healthy
Happy
Reader
How do I get this type of life??? That is the question of the day. What am I doing right now.... what I don't want to always be doing, on my butt watching TV. Not doing what I want..... But at the same time, I'm not happy with what I am doing. Or with my living situation. What is this active life, and how do I get it??? What do I really want?? Where do I go from here? What's next???
A book comes to mind..... its one that I read in college, called Inner Victory by David A. Christensen, About "strategies for managing life's transitions."
And then I go to a session and am told not to sit and stir over it.... You just told me to not........That increases the likelihood of actually doing that. So yes, I have thought about that conversation, it seems almost compulsive after being told to not think about something.
I'm really trying to not think about reading out loud, but still thinking about it. Do I practice??? I know it will get easier if I do it, but I don't want too.... It comes down to fear. Fear that others will laugh at me, even if I know they wont.... I still fear their reactions. I hate concern... with a passion!!
I've thought about the years, most of my life that I have been afraid, anxiety has ruled my life, how do I change this??
How do I let this go??
Aspects that I do not like
Sitting on my butt watching TV
Working on the computer constantly
Not having to many friends
Having suicidal thoughts
Being Codependent on others
Being Lazy
Aspects that I want in my life
Friends
Active life
Healthy
Happy
Reader
How do I get this type of life??? That is the question of the day. What am I doing right now.... what I don't want to always be doing, on my butt watching TV. Not doing what I want..... But at the same time, I'm not happy with what I am doing. Or with my living situation. What is this active life, and how do I get it??? What do I really want?? Where do I go from here? What's next???
A book comes to mind..... its one that I read in college, called Inner Victory by David A. Christensen, About "strategies for managing life's transitions."
And then I go to a session and am told not to sit and stir over it.... You just told me to not........That increases the likelihood of actually doing that. So yes, I have thought about that conversation, it seems almost compulsive after being told to not think about something.
I'm really trying to not think about reading out loud, but still thinking about it. Do I practice??? I know it will get easier if I do it, but I don't want too.... It comes down to fear. Fear that others will laugh at me, even if I know they wont.... I still fear their reactions. I hate concern... with a passion!!
I've thought about the years, most of my life that I have been afraid, anxiety has ruled my life, how do I change this??
How do I let this go??
Monday, January 19, 2015
Excuse
I know this is an excuse..... but I can't bring myself to talking about the second to last post about talking with my sister. I keep wanting to just let it slide, but I almost can't. At the same time I want to believe that she meant that it was just the thoughts that were going to happen, some how that doesn't seem quite right.... but it has to be..... I'm still awake... this is weird.
Don't give up
I post on a forum for those like me, and there was a post that really got under my skin. I have been rather angry, for no reason, okay there is a reason and I've chosen to let it become an issue. It being the post and what a sister of mine said last night. Then I saw a show that has brought my triggers to extremely high...... I'm hurting and there's no one that really knows. I am reaching out to a friend, I sure hope she sees her phone.... but if not there's some pictures that.... okay one that I found so far that has helped.
and
I have someone...... I can't even continue with that thought!!! I am honestly scared for a session with my therapist. and even more scared to talk to my sister to see what she meant last night. It has bugged me more than anyone knows. I'm in a world of hurt, I need a large distraction or I just need to talk, I can't decide.
I just keep telling myself, Don't give up!!
andI have someone...... I can't even continue with that thought!!! I am honestly scared for a session with my therapist. and even more scared to talk to my sister to see what she meant last night. It has bugged me more than anyone knows. I'm in a world of hurt, I need a large distraction or I just need to talk, I can't decide.
I just keep telling myself, Don't give up!!
"It's going to happen"
That's the response that I get when I tell my sister that I have had sui
thoughts.... and that makes me feel worse. I've tried to ignore it, but
how do you ignore something like that. It's almost enough to just to
talk, to call a crisis line after she leaves for work. Or if I decide to
leave and call without her knowledge. It hurts that I can't share that
part of me, that I have to hide the thoughts, and the addiction. Her
saying that is hurtful.
I am trying to be strong through this but, it's getting to the point that it's hard. I have walked inside (a dvd), found a box that I was looking for, and will meditate this morning. All things that are good to try and be strong while thoughts are entering my head at rapid speed.
I have 3.5 hours of her home and I plan on talking to her about this, due to the fact that last night after she said it I was in shock, and then half asleep. That's not something that ANYONE ever wants to hear from family.
I can't even really say what went through my mind when she said "It's going to happen" to respond like that is almost like she is cold hearted.... which I know isn't true but it's what it feels like.
I am going to look for a better job, to move out by May. I can't live in this place with her, if she is going to respond like that. When it makes it worse, yes she doesn't have training like I do but who says that to ANYONE!!! I'm hurt, and trying to deal with the pain of possibly lossing my sister over something that she isn't aware of, unless I tell her and actually talk to her. How can things get any better without that support.
I am trying to be strong through this but, it's getting to the point that it's hard. I have walked inside (a dvd), found a box that I was looking for, and will meditate this morning. All things that are good to try and be strong while thoughts are entering my head at rapid speed.
I have 3.5 hours of her home and I plan on talking to her about this, due to the fact that last night after she said it I was in shock, and then half asleep. That's not something that ANYONE ever wants to hear from family.
I can't even really say what went through my mind when she said "It's going to happen" to respond like that is almost like she is cold hearted.... which I know isn't true but it's what it feels like.
I am going to look for a better job, to move out by May. I can't live in this place with her, if she is going to respond like that. When it makes it worse, yes she doesn't have training like I do but who says that to ANYONE!!! I'm hurt, and trying to deal with the pain of possibly lossing my sister over something that she isn't aware of, unless I tell her and actually talk to her. How can things get any better without that support.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Talking
I've been trying to get up the courage to talking about treatment of me at home.I live with my sister, and the relationship is like our parents and that bugs me. I set up an action plan to talk to her, but I keep finding excuses, being to tired, lack of time, and not wanting to be in the same room with her. This is getting on my nerves. It's like the big elephant in the room that I can't find the right words to actually say. This shouldn't be hard but, she has turned into a bully for me, and that triggers me into being passive, instead of being proactive. But I just don't see the point... there's so many assumptions that she has made that have hurt me. How can I tell her that??? Telling my T was hard enough that I cried after the session last time. How do I know that it will turn out okay??? How can I bring up the topic when I know that she is stressed about the future? She has her own problems but the problems are getting too me. How do I start talking??
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Always making excuses...
I have noticed in others, mainly my sister that she makes excuses to do things. Then yesterday, I was called out on myself making excuses. Here's a list of common excuses that I make within a weeks time.
1) I was on an IEP and 504, that I have a hard time understanding comprehension.
2) Because of that learning disorder I won't achieve enough.
3) I don't want to
4) I can't do that, it's against a "moral code"
5) Feelings hurt, so I make myself hurt
6) Netflix is all I can do, I want to be lazy and not think
7) There's only two rooms
8) Someone is in that room, and hogging all the space
9) They are making excuses, so I can
10) I can't leave my current situation so why leave the job that I like
11) the future is scary, so I'll do nothing
12) I don't want to get up, I want to be lazy
There's probably more but the one that I want to focus on is the first one. Yes I was on an IEP and 504 growing up, but I chose not to read as much as others, I chose to be lazy. It's a personal choice for NOT living life. I was on an IEP from 2nd to 5th grade, and 504 from 6th to 9th grade. Afterwords I was able to not have to go into special education. If I had worked harder, could have overcome this quicker. Now years later, that mindset is still intact, and I want to be rid of this mindset. It is stopping me from achieving more than I ever dreamed, and is fueling my depression and suicidal thinking. I never thought that I would get past having to go into a special room, but guess what, I graduated from College and University and am looking into going on to graduate school. Being on an IEP and 504 made me stronger. and I need to acknowledge that, and move on to bigger and better things.
The future is ready for me to take control. I hate my living situation and now it's time to challenge that. I have to challenge that, by talking to those that have harmed me by what they have said. It's time for a change and that change can only be made my be, by not being lazy.
To improve my comprehension I must read more, work harder to know words and overcome a challenge that has faced me all my life.
Life is hard work, and I have been just taking the easy way out, Now it's time to work for want and overcome my challenges. And make a life that I want to have in this life.
1) I was on an IEP and 504, that I have a hard time understanding comprehension.
2) Because of that learning disorder I won't achieve enough.
3) I don't want to
4) I can't do that, it's against a "moral code"
5) Feelings hurt, so I make myself hurt
6) Netflix is all I can do, I want to be lazy and not think
7) There's only two rooms
8) Someone is in that room, and hogging all the space
9) They are making excuses, so I can
10) I can't leave my current situation so why leave the job that I like
11) the future is scary, so I'll do nothing
12) I don't want to get up, I want to be lazy
There's probably more but the one that I want to focus on is the first one. Yes I was on an IEP and 504 growing up, but I chose not to read as much as others, I chose to be lazy. It's a personal choice for NOT living life. I was on an IEP from 2nd to 5th grade, and 504 from 6th to 9th grade. Afterwords I was able to not have to go into special education. If I had worked harder, could have overcome this quicker. Now years later, that mindset is still intact, and I want to be rid of this mindset. It is stopping me from achieving more than I ever dreamed, and is fueling my depression and suicidal thinking. I never thought that I would get past having to go into a special room, but guess what, I graduated from College and University and am looking into going on to graduate school. Being on an IEP and 504 made me stronger. and I need to acknowledge that, and move on to bigger and better things.
The future is ready for me to take control. I hate my living situation and now it's time to challenge that. I have to challenge that, by talking to those that have harmed me by what they have said. It's time for a change and that change can only be made my be, by not being lazy.
To improve my comprehension I must read more, work harder to know words and overcome a challenge that has faced me all my life.
Life is hard work, and I have been just taking the easy way out, Now it's time to work for want and overcome my challenges. And make a life that I want to have in this life.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Refiner's Fire
I've been thinking a lot about this idea of a fire that is hot enough to shape a piece of steal into something of worth. This applies quite well to what I found out.......
Domestication (Author credit given to: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz)
"All our normal tendencies are lost in the process of domestication. And when we are old enough for our mind to understand, we learn the word no. The adults say, "Don't do this and don't do that" We rebel and say "No""
He continues with "The belief system is like a Book of Law that rules our mind. Without question, whatever is in that Book of Law, is our truth." Pages 8-9.
Later on in that chapter he continues with, "That is why humans resist life. To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have: our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive --- the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourself is the biggest fear of humans." (Page 17)
Then there is the idea of perfection, and another author, Brene Brown, that has a book on the Gifts of Imperfection. I've always been told to be perfect, but that's just to stinkin' hard!! How can anyone expect me to be perfect all the time??
I have a lot to do, and many excuses to not do them, which are keeping me stuck in that same spot. In a dead end job with lack of sleep, and lots of stress about keeping up at a pace that is hard to make if not doing the correct things.
Then there is the living environment, and.... I'm not happy with how I am living but there is a picture that I put on my phone that comes to mind...
Exercise is one thing, and life is another thing, don't give up. It's the same thing right now, don't give up just because looking for a job is hard, or that life is hard, or that you give into the same justification that I have been using for years. I have been using well, I have been on a special education plan since second grade, I can't be any better than that. Yet I have a B.S. in Psychology, who could achieve that if not for hard work and perseverance. I have tackled very hard things and up until now, I have limited myself in what I can truly do. It's time to not let the past get in the way of the future, it's time to change my life. One day at a time, and never giving up, and never giving into suicide. Life is worth living, and there is a lot to do, Time to get off my butt and go to work.
Domestication (Author credit given to: "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz)
"All our normal tendencies are lost in the process of domestication. And when we are old enough for our mind to understand, we learn the word no. The adults say, "Don't do this and don't do that" We rebel and say "No""
He continues with "The belief system is like a Book of Law that rules our mind. Without question, whatever is in that Book of Law, is our truth." Pages 8-9.
Later on in that chapter he continues with, "That is why humans resist life. To be alive is the biggest fear humans have. Death is not the biggest fear we have: our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive --- the risk to be alive and express what we really are. Just being ourself is the biggest fear of humans." (Page 17)
Then there is the idea of perfection, and another author, Brene Brown, that has a book on the Gifts of Imperfection. I've always been told to be perfect, but that's just to stinkin' hard!! How can anyone expect me to be perfect all the time??
I have a lot to do, and many excuses to not do them, which are keeping me stuck in that same spot. In a dead end job with lack of sleep, and lots of stress about keeping up at a pace that is hard to make if not doing the correct things.
Then there is the living environment, and.... I'm not happy with how I am living but there is a picture that I put on my phone that comes to mind...
Exercise is one thing, and life is another thing, don't give up. It's the same thing right now, don't give up just because looking for a job is hard, or that life is hard, or that you give into the same justification that I have been using for years. I have been using well, I have been on a special education plan since second grade, I can't be any better than that. Yet I have a B.S. in Psychology, who could achieve that if not for hard work and perseverance. I have tackled very hard things and up until now, I have limited myself in what I can truly do. It's time to not let the past get in the way of the future, it's time to change my life. One day at a time, and never giving up, and never giving into suicide. Life is worth living, and there is a lot to do, Time to get off my butt and go to work.
Monday, January 12, 2015
The Future
I have always had a fear of the future, and not wanting to face adversity. I finished my degree (B.S. in Psychology) and now I don't know what to do with myself. I want to do mental health counseling but I have my own crap to deal with. I have complex PTSD, Depression, and an addiction. I did talk with a few people to ease the pain of the last few days. My living situation has changed and I'm not handling it well. I don't know what the future has in store for me but I do know there will be lots of changes. I want to just scream!!!!And then cry for quite a while.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Lunch time
Finally a chance for change. I'm actually enjoying life. Now I need a life goal and a bunch of smaller goals to do every day. What that is? I still don't know.
What I do know is this
1) I want to help individuals to have a full and happy life
2) I want to write a symphony
3) I want a social life and friends
4) I want to be rid of trauma so that I can really be me
What to do to accomplish them.... lots of hard consistent work... but I need a life book with how and what I will do every day to get closer to my goals. This life takes work and I want to have a better lifem
Sunday, January 4, 2015
I feel Nothing
For months, I have been addicted to si. I finally understand the feeling behind it. Its a feeling of nothing and wanting to feel something, anything. To feel alive, whole, like I matter to others. That I'm loved. I have suffered traumatic events that have lead me down a hard road. A place that I never imagined. I almost can't go on feeling nothing. Its such an intense feeling, that it overwhelms me into thinking about pain and pleasure to end the nothing feeling.
I have been kicked out by a church owned university, been through fires, and bomb threats, now I seek to escape my past, anyway possible. And that scares me. I want to be free of this pain.... but how? How do I let this out?
Friday, January 2, 2015
Time passes slowly
The nights are hard again. Tonight/this morning seems like its going in slow motion. Its too hard to sleep, and too hard to not. I started reading a book and it mentions a suicide mission. .... its triggering to read. I then start to think about it..... darn habituation in the reticular formation. I've been told a few things over the years to help in this situation. 1) STR- Stop, Think, React 2) Call it for what it is and 3) Refocus the mind, quickly and stop it! The third is the hardest, and one I came up with, except for Stop It which came from a YouTube video. The other two I owe credit to others. STR works quickly. Call it for what it is takes a bit more time, but refocusing the mind can take time and patience. .... something in short supply. I want to finish the book but I'm not sure if I can handle the content. Which scares me. There's fear in the future over helping those in crisis. Part due to PTSD and part due to wanting to help them, from suffering the way I have had too. Seeing people after an event like that is scaring. But there family goes through so much, if the suicide happens. Is what I'm feeling too much for me?..... yes! I want to finish the book but is it time, am I ready? What do I really want from life?
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