Music on My Stand

I have things to do, yet I feel like blogging to try and get a few things out. I am growing frustrated with how I feel. I missed my meds on accident yesterday and now I'm feeling the effects of not wanting to do anything. I have things to do!! Music to practice and get up to speed.Yet, I know that there are bigger issues then just the music.

I was told recently that I am very cryptic, but that's all I know how to be. How can a person be more direct, when in the mind they are not direct in their thoughts? I avoid what I am thinking because I hate what I think. Plainly I hate me. I hate who I have become and I hate what it will take to get out of it. so how do I be more direct when I hate being direct?

Truth:
   I hate myself because I hate having to hide who I am from those that I love out of fear that they won't accept me for me... but is there faulty core beliefs behind that statement... ah YES!!! Why do I fear what I have become around even myself?? One fact keeps coming up, I hate me!!

I know I'm not alone but how do I not hate me!?

This all started off with music that I have to get ready to preform and have lack of will to start preparing the music. I see the thought in my mind and I see it float of into the distance just like in DBT, but it's not enough to just let it go. I have to change!!! But HOW??

Why stop?

I wanted to focus on triggers, I know that there is a problem but don't want to do anything about this problem. Or do I??

Reasons for stopping
I can see the impact in not only my life but in those around me
Unwanted Pregnancy
STD's
It's not true love

Reasons to continue
I like the physical connection
I feel like I'm pretty
I like the rush of being able to have sex

Are my reasons for stopping strong enough to stop me?? Do I want this to impact my future?

These two questions are a bit shocking, because I thought I was in recovery. But I'm not. I honestly don't want to be pregnant, or have too many of the people around me know that I use sex when I just can't take life anymore. I guess I got tired of harming myself but why did I start this when it is still considered self-harm to try and be pregnant. What am I really trying to do?

I see the cursor blink and think what am I going to do next? What would change really look like for me?

I got told today that I am too cryptic when I talk but that's just me. Or can I be more direct? What does it mean to not be so cryptic? Then again I want to hide myself, because I hate me!!! I have grown up with being bullied and I'm tired of bulling myself because of it. I know why I am cryptic and that's to hide the real me. When I am at work, I feel like I can be me, but at home, I have to be who my family wants me to be. That's It!!!!That's my reason for being cryptic and not genuine. I can be true to myself on her but that's because I'm not afraid to show the real me.

So much has happened and I need to take my profile down on a website and block access to it on all devices, the only question is how do I start to deal with all this crap!!!???

The answer is in the question. I need to find a way or a person to help me block these sites from my plan, and I have to do this because I don't want to end up pregnant!! That's just not worth it because it changes my whole outlook.

After all this I must re-write my reasons for stopping, yet I don't want to but I have to be genuine with myself.
Unwanted Pregnancy outside of Marriage
Health Problems
Need to be on Birth control
Loss of Respect in self
Family dis-respect
Loss of trust around self and others
Loss of sleep
Loss of self-worth
Loss of the church


If I don't stop today and find away to block these websites I will continue to find away to use. But I don't know how to do this, or who to ask. So I'll start with looking myself until I am ready to ask for help...

Right now this is still shaming to even deal with but it has to be done.  I have to!!! For my own sanity and so that I can be genuine with myself.

That's what it is really about. I can't be genuine with myself so I hide myself from myself. I hope that makes sense.

What did i do???? 2

I want to be open and honest if you my readers, but there's so much shame. I don't even know my reasons for quitting anymore. I need to figure out these reasons before I can move on. What are these are reasons? Why do I feel like I need to stop? One reason is I can't live a double life anymore. Another reason is I can't continue with this behavior and have it not ruin my life.
What did I do? Why this change of heart? Honestly I just don't know anymore. And at the same time I have to get this out there. I used tonight and I feel absolutely awful because of it. Right now I'm very depressed and anxious and its almost getting to the point where I just don't want to live anymore. Life is becoming too difficult, especially with everything that's going on right now. I'm just playing a lot of vulnerability right now in saying this but I can't continue going on like this. It's 4 a.m. and I'm still up after almost 20 hours of being up. The thing is I just don't feel tired. I want to keep using. Why is it so hard? Why do I want to call the Crisis Line right now? Yet I know part of me just need to talk to another human being.
So what do I do? Do I just make the call and talk with someone? Can it be anyone? Or do I need a specific person? There are just so many questions right now because of loss of power that I feel when I use. I guess I should just call and talk to another human being and then maybe I can get some sleep. And I don't want to wake them up right now. Because I feel like I'm not important enough.

I used and now I feel awful. I just can't take it!!! What do I do? That's the big question of the night. I know that I'm accountable not only to myself that to a friend and a sponsor and now I just want to run and hide. How do I escape on my form of escaping no longer works? I just don't know if I can take this life anymore and that's my cue to call. I can't think about others when I'm like this..... Or do I just need venting and sleep??? I'll let you all know when I decide.

GRE Prep???

I'm trying to decide if starting to study for the GRE is the right time. I am in the process of making a huge life change and I wonder if my brain is ready for all this information?! I know what I want to do, but do I just go with the program that doesn't require the GRE or do I do the more competitive program? Questions, Questions...