If Only?!

"Is this just a dream?" (If only, Dove Cameron) Am I living in a dream state? Every word just seems to be too much. I have so much to do, yet no will to do them. I have two posts to write, but no words inside me. There is so much emotion that I just can't deal with everything. I want an out! "Am I crazy? Will you still be with me when the magic soars? Is this just a dream?"

Who am I meant to be?? I'm feeling good emotions but they feel like... suffocation. There so intense..... then a new song comes on Pandora..... from Pitch Perfect..... I just have a lot on my mind and none of this is getting out. so here goes............

"Hit me with your best shot," at least that's what some say....... I haven't used my addiction in 5 days... not had sex in 21 days...So far so good.... I haven't really even thought about it. I've been so busy yet so unavailable to others... Does this even make sense?

Where to Start???

I have so many books to read and no place where to start. I feel like they all are important to what has been happening.... Let me explain. I keep engaging in addiction and I feel like I'm failing. So why do I feel Not Capable??????

I feel like because I was on an IEP and a 504 that I am not capable of living. Yet I see everyday that I am, because I see people that struggle everyday with trying to just live. Why can I not look at my strengths... What even are my strengths?

Smart, Intelligent, Funny much more than that I don't know..... I don't feel beautiful, because I hate how  I look. I hate the way that I act....I guess part of this is I just hate me. So how can I feel capable when I hate who I am... I'm trying to change and it's really hard to know where even to start.

I go back to why do I feel so incapable.

Because I learn differently from others, because I don't work as hard, because I fail at things I start due to not being perfect.

SO what if I learn differently form others, it's none of their business how I learn, because I'm me and they are them.

It's been a month since I wrote the above......

Now I find that there is a pattern that leads to a core belief.

Anxiety leads to Fear.
Fear leads to "I have to get through this"
"I have to get through this" leads to "I can't do this"
"I can't do this" leads to "I'm invisible"
"I'm invisible" leads to "I don't matter"
"I don't matter" leads to "I'm not good enough"

That feeling of not being good enough can be combated with my achievements. I have 2 degrees and I'm working on a certificate in a grad school. How Cool is that?! I also have this blog, and can play musical instruments. I am good enough. 

I could work harder