Is that the time?

I have class in 10 minutes. So I'll make this quick. I have lots to do, and no will to do it. This is not a good combination. I have 3 things due next week, and only just a start on each one. I have to complete them all by next week..... and I am afriad to work on them/what happens when the semester ends.

Got to run to class. More later... I hope...

too little time

I wish there was more hours in the day, I just seem like I can't get enough done... with the mental stuff I have 3 chapters to read, but my studies come first. And I still need time to relax and work.... I've had one major attack last week and I'm still having pain (physical) from all of the shaking. Needless to say, my mind is cloudy, and I just hope I can get the work done..... Please can I have more time...

How do I recover?

Or the better question is when will I make my recovery. I keep doing things that take up time, and are becoming addictions. Truth be said, I'm scared to make the change. I want the change, but at the same time I'm still doing the things I don't even want to talk about. I..... want out of these addictions, but I just don't know how to spend my time besides with the addictions, and I, well that's all I know are the addictions.

I tried writing my final project but, I can't do it, I need to persuade myself to make the changes. I will be my biggest success if I can find in this project ways to help myself into recovery.

Need to study....

I really hate the position that I'm in. I'm in a lot of pain physical and mental. But the mental pain is not even ending. I've had two small anxiety attacks today, but I'm still in a lot of pain. I need to study, but I can't focus. My mind is on a different world, a world that I don't want.Or do I..... I have to decide.... I have one person to talk to, but at the same time, I really don't want to. The pain is getting to me, I got sleep last night but not the night before. I have a test on Friday, and I'm a bit scared that I don't know the material due to what has happened. Will the pain go away?

Day off

Due to the pain and the medication, I had to take today off from classes. And it's putting me behind, but on the other hand, I'm really not doing well at all. I want the pain to end, and nothing is really taking it away. I know of  one thing that would end the pain.... it would be easy right now, since I'm the only one home, and no one would check on me for a few more hours. I'm not safe, yet I tell the world that I am safe, just to stay away from the hospital. I've been to the ER once this week, and I don't want to again, at the same time, I want to do the unthinkable and just relieve the pain, and be done with it.

I should work out now, but my body would not allow it. My neck has to have support in order to even let me be awake enough to type and maybe learn chemistry. At the same time, I don't want to do anything except the unthinkable.


I need to study but I have NO motivation to do so. Guess I better just try, and get past the pain and the tiredness.

Pain

I had an anxiety attack, the first one in 10 months. and I'm in soo much pain. My neck is the worst, so tight. Not to mention the anxiety towards the si and sui. I've been supper tempted. It sounds good, to get away from this pain. It might be easy, and it's one thing that is been on my mind. I'm scared, very scared. I have a lot of stresses. I seek control and the attacks means that I loose that control over my body and then I fight for the control again. I just hope I can sleep tonight.... I hope I can think again... I hope I can get things done.... I want sleep. I just hope it comes easily, and with not as much pain.

Focus...

Is there such thing as focus today for me. I know I have to see pdoc today, and ask him to write a letter of recommendation to get my associate's finally. But still, where is my focus, I have things I need to study, and no will to study them. All I want to do is just type. I did get my homework done that is due today, but I have a lab report that I need to do, and read for physics, but I still can't focus. It's almost as if I need to do something drastic to get my focus back, but I don't want to do that, I want to just be able to focus. I want someone to talk to about this, even if they don't understand.

In the past few days I've noticed things that are scaring me. I've zoned out a few times, and I in order to bring the connection back, I have to focus on something that I'm doing to get out of that state. It's concerning. I don't know what it is, and I'm scared. There I said it. I'm scared that it's something that is going to continue. And the pain that comes from that disconnection is quite painful. Is there something out there that can help to not let that "zoning out" to happen. Not to mention my cognitive side is a little slow today. (and sometimes feels like it's slowed down, and everything is going in slow motion. Is this all connected? Is there something I can do besides trying to ground myself?

Can I just get my paper done, and some studying done too? PLEASE!!

I got part of it done, but I just don't want to study. I feel like something is wrong. I need someone to talk to about all of this, in person. The only question is who.... I have one in mind, after my appointment I may just call him and ask him to go for a walk, just to talk, since I don't like talking on the phone about these things. The zoning out is taking it's toll on me. I'm frustrated and almost want to start the "normal" si method. Only to make it easier to talk about, the method I use is not one that to many people would want to talk about. And it's not really a method according to my pdoc. I hate it. I'm scared. I just don't know who to turn to right now, besides this blog, to try and get the words out.... but words are hard.... music is easier... but still hard. Do I change methods, or do I just try and end the si?

The other thing with all of this, is I don't have money to spend on any therapy sessions, and I need someone. Right now trying to do this on my own is extremely hard, and I..... exercise helps... music helps... but there is still something that is still making my life extremely hard. The simple fact of the si has not lessened.... and I want control....... I'm also self-destructive. which doesn't help at all..... what to do, what to do........ must study.... must write lab.......... AGGGGGG

.... can I sleep yet?

In the past 48 hours I've had 3 episodes of feeling totally not connected with the rest of me. Like someone chopped off my head, and left a lot of pain. And the episodes last for a few minutes to a half an hour. I hate them, but I have to except that part. And now it has to be time for bed.... after 3 hours of one problem for physics. I just hope tomorrow is productive.

Punishment??

I have not been able to accept the self-injury, and I have not found a professional that understands enough to help me figure out the reason behind the si. I want someone that will accept it and help me to understand. I just have one big thing, well two things really. Trust and Control. When I go in to a therapy session I feel as if I'm losing control by just being there. Trusting in the therapist doesn't happen because of how the self-injury happens. Some times I wonder if changing the method would help to find someone who I could talk to about all of this. I should be studying but my mind is just not here with me. I just feel like no one really understands me. And that fact alone makes it seem like I'm all alone.

I'm alone when the punishment begins, I'm alone when the self-injury happens. I'm alone in the depression, I'm alone. Who could I talk to that I would trust enough to talk to about all of this? The answer lies some where in the question. I'm the only person I can talk to. I have to bring back the inner dialog that I had to relabel 10 months ago. I just have to try and leave the harm part of her out. How do I do this? How do I not punish myself for doing this? I'm alone, I have yet to find someone that truly understands.

Self destruction

I've been saying for awhile that it's time for a change, but nothing changes for the good. I'm still having urges, and some times giving in. I have had some issues with sleep due to staying up late and then getting maybe 2 hours sleep. I feel as if I have to be punished for not sleeping well, for having the urges, for giving in to the urges, for studying persuasion in sui cases, for just not doing what I think I SHOULD be doing. I tried to relabel the should's but that is just not helping. I feel as if someone else is taking control of my mind. that the urges are from that other person. I felt joy playing my instruments, but I'm self destructive. And at this point I see a few things that I can do to help end the self-destructive behavior. 
The only issue is the fact that I've been choosing to engage on the behavior every week and a half, and need to get to the point where it's months between. But I'm scared to give up those behaviors. 

I'm having issues with sleep, and exercise is one way to help me to sleep. But the urges are hard to control the way I would like. I'm trying to get in music practice but..... and there are a million excuses. 

I'm self-destructive. and I don't know how to retrain my mind into positive patterns to end the self-destruction. I just don't know how. any ideas would be appreciated.


I'll be looking at this website more in the next few days.
http://throughthefire.net/si.html