Thursday, June 27, 2013
SCREAM!!!!!!!
I just got back from a Dual Diagnosis group, talking about Empathy. Well the group went well. No one walked out, even though I almost did... to just scream. My mind is going in hundreds of different ways. Yes I could have walked out or talked with my therapist but I just couldn't do that. And with all that going on, there's some thoughts of harm. In about a half hour, I go to see my doctor, and then after that work, and then I can deal with these thoughts. Which seems very difficult right now. All I want to do is just crawl under the covers and just hide until these feelings disappear.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Assignment
I received an assignment to put some time into how I look. And it's been a harder task emotionally than what I was hoping for. It may be easy for some but for me it's a challenge.
I was taught all my life that makeup was War Paint, and that I should never put it on. The assignment is to challenge that core believe and find a look that works for me, that helps to end that core believe. So in preparation I have liked eye shadow, but it never really stays on, and therefore I just haven't put it on every day. And also my job doesn't help with that one... odd hours at the crack of Dawn. For tomorrow the assignment is simple, try makeup and leave my hair down and do something with it.
It's simple for some girls but for me, it's like I'm going into battle, hence the war paint comment. I've always had the belief that makeup is for those that need it, and that natural beauty doesn't really need it... meaning, I don't need it, and should never try it. When I was in High School, I thought about trying it but never knew where to look, or what to buy. In an off track semester I had asked a friend to come with me to buy makeup... and the next day I returned the foundation, and a few other things. In the next few months after that, I had a roommate that let me try mascara. And I'll admit that I did like it, but never gave myself permission to wear it often (Special days only). In months after that (okay 3 years after), I have found eye shadow but it never really stayed on, so I just haven't used it. Now, I have looked up videos on youtube to see how to apply. Tomorrow morning I will try and see if I can make it look good.
But at the same time, I'm fighting myself because of what I heard from my father about his experience in makeup before a theater Performance, (the cake it on type). My mom only wore lipstick and never really got into much more than that. My sister has tried makeup on but hasn't done it again... I think it's because of that one experience of my father's that no one really wore it on a daily basis.
I applied makeup when I got home, and bought a little bit. Once I got back from my errands, I washed it off... partly due to seeing a look in my sister's eye of disapproval. There I said it... it's all in the way my family looks at each other when makeup is applied... due to one time...
Now after years of disapproval from my father, I'm going to try and put makeup on.... and honestly emotionally I just want to reach for my addiction.. and other maladaptive coping skills. It's just overwhelming.
And at the same time I'm feeling fear of what if it doesn't look good, and what if my sister notices and has that look of disapproval. And then do I just wash it off afterwords so she doesn't see.
It's times like this that I wished that I lived on my own away from family and close friends.
All I can do is just blog and talk with others and give it a try. Now the other question... when do I want to cut my hair.... choices choices.
I was taught all my life that makeup was War Paint, and that I should never put it on. The assignment is to challenge that core believe and find a look that works for me, that helps to end that core believe. So in preparation I have liked eye shadow, but it never really stays on, and therefore I just haven't put it on every day. And also my job doesn't help with that one... odd hours at the crack of Dawn. For tomorrow the assignment is simple, try makeup and leave my hair down and do something with it.
It's simple for some girls but for me, it's like I'm going into battle, hence the war paint comment. I've always had the belief that makeup is for those that need it, and that natural beauty doesn't really need it... meaning, I don't need it, and should never try it. When I was in High School, I thought about trying it but never knew where to look, or what to buy. In an off track semester I had asked a friend to come with me to buy makeup... and the next day I returned the foundation, and a few other things. In the next few months after that, I had a roommate that let me try mascara. And I'll admit that I did like it, but never gave myself permission to wear it often (Special days only). In months after that (okay 3 years after), I have found eye shadow but it never really stayed on, so I just haven't used it. Now, I have looked up videos on youtube to see how to apply. Tomorrow morning I will try and see if I can make it look good.
But at the same time, I'm fighting myself because of what I heard from my father about his experience in makeup before a theater Performance, (the cake it on type). My mom only wore lipstick and never really got into much more than that. My sister has tried makeup on but hasn't done it again... I think it's because of that one experience of my father's that no one really wore it on a daily basis.
I applied makeup when I got home, and bought a little bit. Once I got back from my errands, I washed it off... partly due to seeing a look in my sister's eye of disapproval. There I said it... it's all in the way my family looks at each other when makeup is applied... due to one time...
Now after years of disapproval from my father, I'm going to try and put makeup on.... and honestly emotionally I just want to reach for my addiction.. and other maladaptive coping skills. It's just overwhelming.
And at the same time I'm feeling fear of what if it doesn't look good, and what if my sister notices and has that look of disapproval. And then do I just wash it off afterwords so she doesn't see.
It's times like this that I wished that I lived on my own away from family and close friends.
All I can do is just blog and talk with others and give it a try. Now the other question... when do I want to cut my hair.... choices choices.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Just Leave me alone!
You know those days were you just want to say LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!! Well it's been one of those days the last few days. I've had to people checking up on me and all I want to do is just be alone. MMmmm Part of this is also due to forgetting one day of meds in the last two weeks and then taking meds later than normal... I know where this is all coming from... I just hope that I get done in time for the next two days to be there for two different groups (Seeking Safety and Duel Diagnosis). It's what's made the difference besides being able to find out what the suicidal feelings come from. I just hope that I can be around my coworkers in the next few days, without going crazy.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Honesty
This is far over due... being honest with myself. I have an addiction. I want to relapse, and then I do and I don't feel any different... just in pain. It does nothing for me anymore, yet as with any addiction, I want it more and more.
I was angry at myself for acting out on a coworker. I just can't stand all of her crap, and all of her talking about nothing, and knowing not to many are listening in a van full. I hid her 12x12 container in the back and then at a rest stop placed a piece of paper that stated this, "Please, either leave it at home if you are not going to use it, or use a smaller container, Thanks" (It's close to that anyway) I thought please and thank you would be enough to do it in a kind manner... well that play backfired. My coworker has been trying to find out who it was, and I just kept my mouth shut. Earlier she had been asked to put it in the back, while we all knew that most of us would sleep. She failed to do that. So I took matters into my own hand and hid it from her and placed that note in there. Now I feel like I have to either keep my mouth shut, or talk to her about shrinking what she takes to work. There's anywhere from 3 to 7 people in a van and there's not enough room for everyone to have two bags. The point of it was just to reduce clutter and point out that space is limited.
It's that simple.
But now the coworker wants to know who it was, and has been asking.
Before writing this, I did relapse. I was frustrated with the fact that I have gained 6 pounds, in 4 weeks. When I started college I was 120 lbs, and now I am 170 lbs. 50 lbs difference. and my clothing doesn't fit right. Now I"m on a plan to work out everyday for 15-30 minutes, and to start running.
I know things have to change, and when the time is right, I may talk with said coworker. But to be honest, does it matter, if the problem has now gone away. It's almost like saying move on to the coworker... but she does not forget things like this... just holds a grudge. And I don't care for how much she talks, and most of the time it's to no one in the van.
But for tonight, I will try not to go insane, and stay up for as long as I can to prepare for work tomorrow.
I was angry at myself for acting out on a coworker. I just can't stand all of her crap, and all of her talking about nothing, and knowing not to many are listening in a van full. I hid her 12x12 container in the back and then at a rest stop placed a piece of paper that stated this, "Please, either leave it at home if you are not going to use it, or use a smaller container, Thanks" (It's close to that anyway) I thought please and thank you would be enough to do it in a kind manner... well that play backfired. My coworker has been trying to find out who it was, and I just kept my mouth shut. Earlier she had been asked to put it in the back, while we all knew that most of us would sleep. She failed to do that. So I took matters into my own hand and hid it from her and placed that note in there. Now I feel like I have to either keep my mouth shut, or talk to her about shrinking what she takes to work. There's anywhere from 3 to 7 people in a van and there's not enough room for everyone to have two bags. The point of it was just to reduce clutter and point out that space is limited.
It's that simple.
But now the coworker wants to know who it was, and has been asking.
Before writing this, I did relapse. I was frustrated with the fact that I have gained 6 pounds, in 4 weeks. When I started college I was 120 lbs, and now I am 170 lbs. 50 lbs difference. and my clothing doesn't fit right. Now I"m on a plan to work out everyday for 15-30 minutes, and to start running.
I know things have to change, and when the time is right, I may talk with said coworker. But to be honest, does it matter, if the problem has now gone away. It's almost like saying move on to the coworker... but she does not forget things like this... just holds a grudge. And I don't care for how much she talks, and most of the time it's to no one in the van.
But for tonight, I will try not to go insane, and stay up for as long as I can to prepare for work tomorrow.
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