No Group

One part of my week, that I look forward got canceled today. Over the past few weeks, things have not been very easy. And now school has started, and my objective has been to study as much as I can but... there's been issues. I have a lot to do, and no will to do it. This week I told someone a secret, I know I need someone to talk to, for real... someone who I could be fully honest with the secret... without having to feel uncomfortable. But I still have things to do tonight... and being anxious/current state of mind, it's tough... who could I talk to??? Who would understand, without passing judgment?

Reaction

What do you say when someone tells you something you were not expecting?? The reaction that I had today was keep asking questions no matter how awkward it got. I just wanted to drop it but... had to keep going. When I was asked if I would engage in the behavior... it was an of course I am... I'm not ready to give it up yet. Then the other question comes up of suicidal for the week, and that's when they always seem to perk up... duh reacting to that may make it so that those feelings come back.

All I want tonight, I can't have it. I have to keep going... when things just seem like they are getting worse. I can't keep going like this... I was going to read for a class and then discovered I have the wrong book.... I'm not sure how much more I can handle tonight.... I've had enough... maybe sleep will help.

Fear.... hope

First day and I'm already behind. There's just not hope, only fear and plans that change. And many memories of the past. Haven't I been through enough... when does it end?

realization

Tomorrow is the first day of classes and the third time attempting music as a major/minor. ..... booth attempts has resulted in a susspention. I got word on my audition and did not get in. That day I was suicidal, tonight I'm scared.  All along my subconscious has been trying to tell remind me about the previous two attempts. Can I do this without fear, tears, and harm thoughts? Can I admit that I need help and support? I know one thing, I neeed sleep....very good sleep.

FOG

And the head fog comes in, making it harder to do things. I don't feel like doing anything. even though I have an audition tomorrow. I just need that will to do things... quickly

Fustration

It's all about one person in this household.... and that person isn't me. Talking doesn't happen, and all of those feelings slowly suck the life out of me. I keep trying to hold on, but it gets harder with every pass. I've lost key talking functions. I don't feel like I'm heard here in this life. And yet I have to put on this face that says, I'm fine, nothing is bothering me. I can do this.

After all of this heartache, what else is there?? Is there someone out there that will listen besides my mental health team??

Stress

We all have stress.... some more than others.... and then there are those that feel others' stress... people like me. When I'm around others that have stress, I can feel it. Which also increases my stress level. I hate finals week and mid-terms for this reason. I hate being around other people who are stressed out.

I thought this post was going to be about that, but it's not.... I've felt numb because of the pain that I have been experiencing. Enough to not want to go into the doctor to make sure it isn't serious. Well, anyway I went in, and it caused me to want to say, hey I like the pain, what happens if I let the pain stay around... but I didn't I had some sort of resistance. But tonight, I'm sitting here with a lot of pain and just wanting more pain, because then my life would be ending... I just want out. Not sure what from or really anything more than that. I just know I hate my life right now. From the controlling family to the feelings of wanting pain and the thoughts of trying to get away from the controlling influences that are all around me.  I just want to be allowed to do things... like stay home from church just because I want to... without the judgmental sister asking why.

I have hopes and dreams but right now, I don't remember them, or even want to try and achieve them. Things like hobbies don't interest me anymore. Getting out of bed at a reasonable time doesn't happen anymore. Full conversations with my sister don't happen anymore. Partly due to her believing she doesn't have time for anything, yet she proves to me that she has the time, EVERYDAY!!! and doesn't do her side of this living configuration. It seems to me like part of my living with her is to take care of the apartment. This is not what life should be about. And then people ask me why I have been suicidal... DO you actually agree.... Not having control and not feeling like you have control really SUCKS!!!! Having a group of people say this is how to live doesn't help. Feeling sick doesn't help!!!! Wanting pain, physical pain, is only a small part of wanting the mental pain to just go away. I'm tired of this life, and there's nothing I can do to change this right now. I can't get myself 24 hour a day help, because I have other things going on that I have to be around for, because it seems like I have no CHOICE!!!!

If there is any reaction for any person that reads this, please post a comment. Suggestions are gladly taken at this point. It will show that someone out there actually cares.

Is this mental or physical???

In the last week, I have experienced sadness, crying spells, anxiety, shaky hands,irritability, fake-happiness, annoyed, and then there's the physical stuff blood in places it shouldn't be, feeling faint, dizziness, constipation, abdominal pain, dehydration, fever, weakness.And then there's the suicidal thoughts, and self-injury side of this. So my question to answer is this, what of the physical is being caused by the mental? I just don't know anymore.After the countless trips to the ER for Panic Attacks, I just don't know anymore of whether or not it is mental or physical. I have tried to increase water, but I still don't feel good. Right now, I feel bloated, and I don't feel like doing much, I want to just have what ever this is to just kill me. I just can't handle physical symptoms that are really not physical. But if I treat this as something real and it doesn't pan out that way then it makes me look even more crazy, and I really don't want to be hospitalized. I have too much to do, and not time to end up in the behavioral unit. If I say something wrong then I"m in the behavioral unit, and I don't want to be there. GAH I hate this!!!!!

Sugar

I felt a little down and not wanting to do much, and then something struck, and I knew I had to look up the relationship between the brain and sugar. There's the article that I found.
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/07/13/why-sugar-is-dangerous-to-depression/
So Here's my experiment, Tomorrow, I will limit sugar intake, and control my carbs. and see how I feel. If there is a change then I know I will have to limit sugar. Since tonight, I don't want to do much, and I just want to curly up and do nothing.

A part of Recovery

There are several things a part of recovery that I have not addressed yet. Today, I am attempting to change that. A part of recovery is the need for physical activity, and for enjoyment. I plan on increasing to 5 times a week, walking, running, workout dvd's, and anything else. As for enjoyment I plan on increasing my practicing to 6 days a week for at least an hour.

I have two reasons why I add this. For the physical activity, the simple reason is to improve my overall health, and with that I also need to control my sugar intake (it's a bit high... okay a lot high). As for the enjoyment part I have an audition that is coming up, very quickly and I need to prepare for this audition.

My reasons to keep in mind:
1) I need to decrease my weight, to change my cholesterol, and blood sugar.
2) I have an Audition on the 20th and I have to be ready
3) I just need to move on, and try and get away from the co-dependency issues that I have.

Even while writing this up I still want pain, still want to stay in this path, and just not change, but if I don't then I could be come obese, and I can't have that. I have pants that are NOT fitting right, and I want to change that before it is too late.

I know doing this for the right reasons won't be enough for me, so I have to do this will a little bit of positive reinforcements. But right now I can't think of anything good enough. If I do well on my audition and get into the group then I will take the time to watch a movie. As for my weight, I want to be able to do pushups without hitting the ground for longer than a half second. When I can do that, I can allow myself to get something from Hostess.

I now open myself to vulnerability, and allow myself to feel free.

Spiral

I went on a vacation, and had a great time, I come back, and then have to deal with a roommate who is self-absorbed, and that right there, doesn't help. I feel like she doesn't care, like she should since she is my sister. But her being the first born, apparently she's too busy to even care about my life.

So I get home to that, and I feel really crappy, and start the spiral down. I wanted to SI, so I did. and I slept in, and didn't get things done. So then I SI'ed yet again. I tried to hang around people, but I want to SI yet again. I should be sleeping, but I'm still up and it's almost midnight. I want this pain to just end, I don't want to have to deal with the sister that is concerned more with her, then the rest of us.

I just wish that she would see the issues, but she's the broken one. But that fact is hard to remember.