Expectations

Everyone expects something of someone or something.

I realized something this week. I tried something new. and it worked.

I haven't been as suicidal but at the same time, I just don't want to do much for myself anymore. and that includes going to bed before midnight, and then waking up at 9am, then falling asleep on the couch. I know part of that is the depression talking. Okay, all of that is true.

I now will get ready to sleep, and then wake up at 7am (no staying on couch afterwards) meaning start doing something... working out, reading a book or just do something.

... trying to stay up and write a paper

I never knew writing a paper on music could be so hard. Blogging is easy, just write the thoughts that come. But I really need to write these papers and study my classes. to pass my classes. I see the long term goal, I just, am having a hard day. Yet nothing helps.

One of those days

I just am having one of those days.... meaning, an appointment got changed for talking with my Therapist, to latter in the week.  I thought I would be fine with it, but my mind feels like it's out of control.

I have all of this stuff to do, and now it's almost impossible for me to do something simple...

What really is going on right now??
I'm stressed, and I feel it from many people around me. I realize that my head is feeling that pressure, that often comes before and after an anxiety attack. My time management skills are not working. I have a paper that is due tonight... I should be working on that, not attempting to practice...
With all of that going on, I want suicide. I've been thinking about it most of the day, because nothing is going right... SCREAM!!!!! How am I suppose to study, or do anything with thoughts of suicide in my head... the main thought is to overdose... but I know that the amount I have with me is not enough. It would just lead to letting people know that things are getting bad... REALLY BAD... Main instinct to keep going is the only thing that keeps me doing things... yet at the same time I want help... but I don't.. I really hate things right now... Please let me out of this brain... it hurts too bad.

Three Paper week.... plus recovery work

This is getting harder. I have three papers to write, and today, I haven't thought very clearly, which makes doing much, very difficult. Not to mention the fact that, I just don't want to do anything, motivation is low, and energy is low. I fell asleep in two classes today, and now all I want to do is sleep, instead of writing at least the intro to one paper.

The end of the semester with thoughts of suicide, wanting to watch Netflix and other media, and over all tiredness. What I want most of all, I have to resit. Addiction is very difficult to get away from, and sometimes it feels impossible. Today is one of those impossible days, but I do know that there has to be something better out there then what I know currently and that thought keeps me going for a few more hours. Sleep is important right now, but so is getting these papers done. What's more important is to feel like you are doing okay. Simple fact, my head feels cloudy, and that feeling gets me ever closer to suicide. What pulls in the other direction? Right now, it's the pain, physical and mental that I'd have to go through to actually commit suicide. I'm determined to not let suicide get to me. Yet at the same time that desire to life is a bit smaller, and harder to see part of the time.

I have work to get done, so I will sleep now, then get up at 7am (when I start to hear weird noises) then I'll get up and start by writing. This first paper is on personality, and using the approaches that we discussed in class. I'll at least get a rough draft turned in, then I can re work parts later. Simple right.... then try adding my head in to the mix... Scream!!

Logic, Emotional, or Both. I'll Try

Just met with my doc, and he spent time trying to figure me out.... trying to put the two sides together. and by two sides I mean, logic and emotional... the only issue is I can't seem to get past that wall between the two. I try, but I'm Blocked, every time I try. I know I'm not the easiest person to talk with, because of that division.

The other thing he said was control is really just an illusion. I'm not so sure on that part, the follow up question is why do I want control so bad? Is there a way to get away from having to feel like control is the only thing that would help.

Who I am.  

Nothing makes sense.  

Nothing makes sense anymore. 

Nothing is right. 

Nothing is right when you're gone. 

Losing my breath. 

Losing my right to be wrong. 

I'm frightened to death. 

I'm frightened that I won't be strong.

Thank you Nick Jonas, this is exactly how I feel right now. I just want "someone to love me,  for who I am."

 

I'm trying to integrate both sides of me, but it's difficult. I'm not sure how, or if I'll become "frightened to dealth.... that I won't be strong." enough to handle this integration process. 

Emotional side.

I'm scared, scared that I'll do something stupid like looking at suicidal pictures, or plans. I'm scared to try and integrate the logic into me, because what if it doesn't make any sense. What then???

 I am feeling like I can't trust anyone with the real truth, or at least let people in. The more I talk with people the more confused I become.

This song is how I feel, (I'll try by Jonatha Brooke)

I am not a child now.
I can take care of myself.
I mustn't let them down now-
Mustn't let them see me cry.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I'm too tired to listen.

 

I am an adult and I can make choices either to take care of myself, or not. I feel as if I have to remain strong for those around me, and never let them see how bad this pain is, the pain to integrate both logic and emotional. I am too tired now to listen to some of the things people say, for example "control is an illusion."

 

 My whole world is changing,
I don't know where to turn.
I can't leave you waiting,
But I cant stay and watch the city burn;
Watch it burn.
 

My world is changing to quickly now, and it's hard to see what can happen, so I just let things continue, "watch it burn." That's my choice, to just leave things be, to just let the darker thoughts simply fall right off of me. 

 To understand,
The distance in between:
The love I feel,
The things I fear,
 

The distance between Logic and Emotion, I know try to shrink the distance, and start to integrate both sides of me. 

 So I'll try,
'Cause I finally believe!
I'll try,
'Cause I see where you see!
I'll try.

 

I'll try but people have to realize what this all feels like. It reminds me of anther song. One on High School Musical 3. Scream

The day a door is closed,
The echo's fill your soul.
They wont say which way to go,
Just trust your heart.

To find what you're here for,
Open another door.
I'm not sure anymore.
It's just so hard.

Voices in my head,
Tell me they know best!
Got me on the edge,
they're pushin', pushin',
they're pushin'

I know they've got a plan,
but the ball's in my hands!
This time its man-to-man,
I'm driving, fightin', inside a,

world thats upside down,
And spinning faster
What do I do now? without you!

I'm kickin' down the walls.
I gotta make 'em fall!
Just break through 'em all!
I'm punchin', crashin', I'm gonna
Fight to find myself,
Me and no one else!
Which way I can't tell,

I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

 

I don't know what my dream is yet, but I'll find my way, I'll try, before I want to  scream one more time. But I know for a fact that his path is difficult, but not impossible. I'm now going my own way, Just need to find what my own way is, and how to get to that point. 

I release myself from my past, so I can find my own way, one day at a time.

Skyscraper

I wanted to check on a very good friend, and found out that he is married. I wanted to stay in contact, but he didn't want anything to do with me. He was the first person to find out about the suicidal thoughts. I could trust him, and then I brook a promise to him that night. He spent the night in worry because I never called, I couldn't face him that night, and felt as if I was being controlled by my parents, and I didn't want them to know about the suicidal thoughts. Yet at the same time, I wanted to find some answer from my very good friend. He helped during that first year, and then he wanted nothing to do with me. At this time, I'm angry and hurt that people leave me way to much.

Now, I don't talk about how I'm actually doing, and I just want to run and hide from the world. I forced myself to go on to campus, and right now I want to run and hide quickly. I have been suicidal, and finding out that he is married now, doesn't really help. Then a Demi Lovato song comes on:

Skyscraper

Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like, there's nothing left of me?


 As the smoke clears
I awaken and untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed
All my windows, still are broken, but I'm standing on my feet

Go run run run I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear yeah
Go run run run yeah it's a long way down
But I'm closer to the clouds up here

You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am

 Right now I'm scarred. It's hard to let people in and start talking, and feel like there's something left of me that someone would actually want to be around.

Now after this is all down here, I have to focus on my test that I have to take today. Which means, I have to let him go, and put time into myself.

Why does this have to be soo hard?? Building myself up takes time just like a skyscraper.

Ball to the Face

I was playing racquetball yesterday, and took a ball to my bottom jaw. The pain felt really, really good. Enough that I continued to play because I liked the pain, and I felt a bit dizzy. I was actually hoping it was broken. I was hoping to at least bruise. The absolute truth is I want something I can't have, or if I did try, who knows whether I would succeed.

I wanted that pain, It's better than remembering and having to deal with all things related to my past. I don't want to do much right now, and yet I'm going to have to force myself to do something. Some days force is the only way to get through the day.

Emotions: frustration, anger, depression, lack of will.

Physically: pain in face, tired

Spiritually: Lost

All I want right now, is just to remain alone. But I'll end up forcing myself to at least go to a Dual Diagnosis group. It's my strongest thing.... to just force myself to do things, no matter how much I want something else.

***Forcing yourself to do things is extremely difficult, going to groups that help in recovery can be the best thing you do in a day. ***

End of Day

I made it through the day, and just 14 hours until I can actually talk some of this out. Which is going to be hard. I have soo much to do, but having zero will to get things done really sucks.

Tonight may be hard, I'm going to type out all of the memories that have begun to haunt me. I'm scared... and no one really knows about how bad it was today. But I know I have to be honest with myself, and then maybe I can talk it all out... I'm very scared!!!! There's a part of me that says, don't go into the memories tonight, just let them be. But I know that if I do I can't continue on the path to recovery.

Lesson day... oh joy

April Fools Lesson.... and all I want to do is just contact my instructor and just cancel the lesson for today.. one I"m not ready yet... and I don't want to say something wrong and end up having public safety transport me to the hospital... okay so I'm once again suicidal... and what makes it worse is if my instructor finds out she will call someone to help get me in to talk with someone... I just don't want that.... I'm trying to focus for class in 15 minutes, but once again it's not working... No one around me knows how much I really want to activate a plan for suicide... I have it, I just keep hanging around others to keep me safe, but the truth is.. I"m not that safe. I'm writing to just try and keep my head in the right direction.


Say by John Mayer comes to mind.... "Say what you need to say"
Honest truth I need to come clean with myself about the past.

And I will, in my own time... I promise to go to class and ace my quiz, and then actively participate on the lecture.