Healing One day at a Time: June 2015

Saturday, June 20, 2015

My Fight Song

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
(Starting right now) I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep (I'm in too deep)
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match

But I can make an explosion

Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

This Song has been playing in my head and on the radio all week.....Because of one line. "Take back my life song, Prove I'm alright song" That's what I have to do, I have to take back my life to prove to myself that I can stop sabotaging myself. I'm still doing that today!!! I'm frustrated and angry at myself and I don't like this feeling, How do I change???? Or do I need to change my room to change myself and get me out of the same shit that I have been doing for the past few months... this has been going on long enough. It's time to get my act back together and do something for me. Then I think if I am strong enough.... another self-sabotage. I really hate this!!!! I don't feel all that safe in my own skin. How do I spend this time by myself if I fucking hate myself. I hate who I have become, and this anger isn't leading to a good point.... It's time to take back my life!!

Friday, June 19, 2015

Put it all in or DEATH

That's my ultimate choice. Do I continue in the path and just die, or do I actually work for what I want in life?? So what do I want in life??

A year ago I wanted
1) To Lose 20 pounds
2) Track social engagements
3) Complete my Bachelor's Degree
4) Read 3 Nephi (Yes I am LDS)
5) Learn major thirds on Clarinet
6) Contact and Job shadow
7) Read a few books
8) Contact Professor about credit load
9) attend the 25 or older institute class

Of those I have done: 3

I don't even want to look at the 5 year goals if these are not being worked on. I just lost interest in life. And that is the problem. I thought it was Motivation problems but, in reality it was self-sabotage. Right now I didn't like who I am. I hate the fact that I only did a third of my goals.... what was I thinking, of just putting the goals on the shelf?

I can't just have things just sit on the shelf anymore, I have to get off my butt and get to work.

I have had to take a pay cut, and so far I don't know how to survive. I have to do something, or I'll sabotage myself and end up in the hospital..... again.... and that would only confirm the need for disability, but I am just challenged... I can do this, I just have to put more effort into my life and do something with my life, NO more SABOTAGING myself. I can't afford another back step... I have to find a plan and start working towards that goal.... but what is that goal?? What do I want??

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Another round

Another hospitalization.... Please tell me I don't have to go back EVER!!!! I feel like I failed my family in dealing with the situation but it wasn't my fault. I was abused sexually and physically. I couldn't say no!! That's one mistake I will not make again. Worst of all I feel like I don't have a job right now, and it's getting too me.. what will I do with my time besides job hunt.. or should I move home. I'm not self-sufficient, and I hate it. I need some help!! I can't do this alone. That's why I have a higher power, a God, some how this will work out. I just hope I know how it will work out soon.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Is two jobs too much for me??

I've been feeling rather rundown and over worked and I'm starting to wonder if this is too much for me. Then again the situation last night didn't help... it triggered me but I kept in control. I just feel like something is out of wack in my life and it needs to change. But what, How????? I have a second job, and I love both of them but I feel rather overworked and sleep exhausted. I've done both jobs in the past few days and am starting to realize that it could be too much for me, but how can I tell... I need the money, I need to feel like I'm getting someplace in life without so much financial problems. It seems like something needs to change.... I know I have to set some boundaries and that's hard for me. But I also don't want to set boundaries..... Then again if I don't people will continue to walk all over me, and I won't get things accomplished. So I just sent a text message to a friend wondering if we are still a couple...... I'm very nervous about the response. The response was a yes....I told him that I had something that I wanted to go over to decide what type of relationship this is... and I get the response of "okay" I think that word needs to be banned from society... But that's just me. at least I can laugh about what is happening to me.. I need to laugh a bit more.........

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

My boy

I have had glimpses into what the future could be by my therapist. .. I keep thinking about it and its leading to some very uncomfortable thoughts.

By uncomfortable, I mean some suicidal type thoughts. This is not easy. What do I do?

I will follow my instincts and be careful. That's all I can do, really that's all anyone can do. And just enjoy the journey to see if there are changes in both of us. We have seen each other at our worst, now what is it like when we are at our best?

Monday, June 1, 2015

What do I do?? 2

I keep thinking... and this is not ending up very good. I just want to sleep, and not think. I've been thinking about a relationship and it's just not going well. I don't know what to do, so I asked to just be friends but I kinda doubt that decision. I don't know which side of me I am following. It's a very sexually stimulated relationship and I just don't know. How can I tell between my head and my heart? I just don't know.

Yet I know that I'm not the only one that has this issue but, it just seems like I'm all alone... I need some support people. I need some friends. I need a distraction. I need to just take my mind off my pain, both physical and emotional. Please just let me not think.....