Thursday, February 28, 2013
Promises
I did as I said I would today. I practiced for 20 minutes. I did study for a little bit longer today.
Post Group
I went to group, didn't want to talk much, didn't want to do much. I saw the concern in both of the group therapists when we did check in. Couldn't really look in their eyes.
My phone went off, and I know people around me are concerned about what I'm not saying. Honestly I just want to be alone, with no interactions with people, just let me be.
After I left Group I went for a little drive, and that seemed to help a little, calmed me down, relaxed me a bit.
I'm trying to calm myself before eating with my sister, mainly because I hate seeing concern in people's eyes. That's why I vent here, I don't have to see any concern, or feel anything from people here.
I promise to study and practice clarinet tonight. As for right now I'll continue to relax from this stress filled day.
My phone went off, and I know people around me are concerned about what I'm not saying. Honestly I just want to be alone, with no interactions with people, just let me be.
After I left Group I went for a little drive, and that seemed to help a little, calmed me down, relaxed me a bit.
I'm trying to calm myself before eating with my sister, mainly because I hate seeing concern in people's eyes. That's why I vent here, I don't have to see any concern, or feel anything from people here.
I promise to study and practice clarinet tonight. As for right now I'll continue to relax from this stress filled day.
Stress, Depression, Suicide
It's been a few months since I last posted, and today I just need to vent, get a few things off my mind so I can really study.
I have a test to take tomorrow, and I'm not ready yet. I've been trying to study for the last hour and a half, and it's not working. I have a quiz tomorrow at 11, and you think that would motivate me...
It's not!!
I've looked online about suicide, hope, and cutting. This works some of the time, but not today.
Therapy this week has included talking about some of my beliefs and what I want out of life. I said that I want to compose, but I'm not doing anything to get closer to that, not even writing melodies out, at least I'm playing. I want to have a family but if you take out the y and the m, you get fail. Funny how that one happens. I'm afraid that I'll have a son that will commit suicide, or have some other issue with mental health. For that reason I'm Failing at looking for a husband.
With all that in my mind studying is very difficult. I just want to curl up and just hug a pillow. But instead I have forced myself to leave my home and try and study in the library in town. So far, studying hasn't even started, and yet I have a test, quiz and an assignment all due by Monday.
My mind is stuck, and nothing is helping, I have music playing in the background to see if that will distract half of myself away from suicide.
Yes, I have had suicidal thoughts, have thought of many plans, but none that are specific enough to complete the act. I want that, but half of me says it's not the answer. Honestly I really hate that other half.
If your still reading this, I promise to go to group later today, and go out to dinner with my sister. I'll choose to live for a few more hours. Don't worry I'll post later tonight.
I promise to study for my test, and to say what emotions I'm feeling now.
Emotions: Fear, Hopeless, Depressed, Anxious, Anger, Guilt.
and Mental Pain.
Is there hope?? Only one, Hope of good grades with all that is going on. It's something at least.
I have a test to take tomorrow, and I'm not ready yet. I've been trying to study for the last hour and a half, and it's not working. I have a quiz tomorrow at 11, and you think that would motivate me...
It's not!!
I've looked online about suicide, hope, and cutting. This works some of the time, but not today.
Therapy this week has included talking about some of my beliefs and what I want out of life. I said that I want to compose, but I'm not doing anything to get closer to that, not even writing melodies out, at least I'm playing. I want to have a family but if you take out the y and the m, you get fail. Funny how that one happens. I'm afraid that I'll have a son that will commit suicide, or have some other issue with mental health. For that reason I'm Failing at looking for a husband.
With all that in my mind studying is very difficult. I just want to curl up and just hug a pillow. But instead I have forced myself to leave my home and try and study in the library in town. So far, studying hasn't even started, and yet I have a test, quiz and an assignment all due by Monday.
My mind is stuck, and nothing is helping, I have music playing in the background to see if that will distract half of myself away from suicide.
Yes, I have had suicidal thoughts, have thought of many plans, but none that are specific enough to complete the act. I want that, but half of me says it's not the answer. Honestly I really hate that other half.
If your still reading this, I promise to go to group later today, and go out to dinner with my sister. I'll choose to live for a few more hours. Don't worry I'll post later tonight.
I promise to study for my test, and to say what emotions I'm feeling now.
Emotions: Fear, Hopeless, Depressed, Anxious, Anger, Guilt.
and Mental Pain.
Is there hope?? Only one, Hope of good grades with all that is going on. It's something at least.
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