Let it Go..... more thoughts

Over the past week I have felt more energized by this song from Disney's Frozen, called Let it Go, I finally articulated part of what I do for si, but it's still hard for me. My favorite line is "the Perfect Girl is gone" I always thought that I had to be perfect, and that's when things got harder. I've always been told that I have to be perfect, and then I found pain to be something to help control the shame, but it added more shame.

I've been hurt by my family, by hiding si, hiding depression, hiding every negative thought. It doesn't bother me but the withdrawal of those around me has affected my relationships. Because of all the shame, I hide EVERYTHING. This song helps me to just let it go, not caring what people think. I still want to hide but I realize that mental things have caused some problems with those around me.

I keep playing the song hoping that I will be able to just let things go, and not give into any urges. But the storm is all around me. "Conceal don't feel.... I don't care what they are going to say" I just hope that last part can come true for me, that I can trust in myself to be able to see what I can achieve.

Let It Go

I found a version of this song by Demi Lavato that is in 25 languages. But the message behind the song is what I want to focus on.

I keep thinking about what this song means to me. Everyday I hide my inner thoughts and it seems like a blizzard of thoughts. I'm not bothered by the thoughts, I am bothered by the actions that they result in, especially those relating to time management. 

This semester I am taking 17 credits, dealing with pain and the skin changing colors, having 3 cavities filled, and trying to practice for as long as my body will let me, and loose some weight to get back to the weight on my driver's license. 

I can't hold everything back and that's one reason why I am in a MRT group to work on me, and to handle some of the mental things that happen inside me, that no one sees, or at least that I know about. I've always been told to be the good girl and I put up a show so that every one sees my strengths, and not my weaknesses.  

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

After all this time, I wonder what I can do to just be free from the inner disaster that is inside me. I want to feel free and not just hidden from everyone, and then maybe, socially wont be so awkward. 

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
When I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

I don't care anymore, I just have to find a way to love myself and test my own limits, to really let everything go, and just be me, not the "perfect girl" but still let love in, and breath in FREEDOM!!

Pain and stress

I'll admit I was driving distracted and got a warning for speeding. But in person I wont say anything. I've been a little distracted with pain and stress. Okay not just a little, but quite a bit. I learned my lesson and will always keep the most up to date insurance card.

I've seen my hand in pale color to really dark but not the same as the other hand which is a problem. I'll get to see my doctor about it to see what's going on. and Have I mentioned the 17 credits that are hanging over my head. Not to mention all of the extra stuff to keep me mentally sane. and I still need to do theory homework, which is in like 30 minutes. I'll admit I am a procrastinator. Today I just want to scream since I didn't sleep well due to pain. oh and I have someone in front of me that has volume up on a phone watching something and it's bugging me. please just let today go well with all of the appointments.... (teeth and hand and group)

17

Is 17 credits too much? Should I drop much 4 credit class? I just don't know.

Long, LONG day

It's been one thing after another, and the only thing that I can think of is to post something to get things out. Found out that a good friend back-stabbed me. I told her something in confidence and she ended up talking to my sister about it. Trust is gone there.... and I've been pulling away from family because of my addiction. They would never understand, they would judge me because of what we all have been taught. They may try and understand but ultimately they will never understand.

So here I am typing and silently crying, just trying to get away from all of the pain. Then my mind goes to suicide and my addiction. I tried talking but it's just to painful. I don't want to go to class tomorrow..... especially don't want to perform when all hell is breaking loose. I just want to smash a ball and pretend it's my family and back-stabbing friend. I'm not even sure how much sleep will actually be good tonight. Going to sleep with all of this pain just doesn't seem right. I have lots to study and to do.... I want out..... but tonight there is not a way to run from all of this. The more I try to hide, the worse it gets..... and tonight it's all too much. I just hope tomorrow is a better day, because today really sucked.

3 days into school

Honestly, tonight has been hard. I feel like screaming and yelling.  Once again my sister/roommate has moved my meds. I don't know if she moved them, except for the fact that I apparently didn't move them fast enough.... meaning right when I got them............
This is one reason that I get so angry,  but that's not the only reason. I'm feeling ou of control tonight. I went to a class and I felt like running away. ... then as I was driving I had a moment of suicide thoughts.  I almost wish I could run away tonight from even saying that.
I just want to run from what I have done, but I can't change the past. I can't even change my living situation. Knowing that doesn't help tonight. Maybe reading a book will let me escape for 20 minutes.

Normal emotions

Frustration is a normal emotion.... just not in my world. Its something evil that should be avoided.  That's what my family thinks. So if frustration is felt then one side shuts up and states something about it. Thats all well and good except for me. I don't want people to shut up, and then I feel shame because of it if I continue to talk. It's a protection mechanism that should not exist. Frustration is NORMAL, let it out. Its not evil, its something to be grateful for and accepted,  not shamed.

The fact that I post on here about this is because I do don't feel comfortable talking about this with the actual person because of its all about her.... I'm the broken one anyway. ... and this is a trigger for me.