Annoying people

This is one of those complaining times. I finally got sleep, and then I get to work, and there's 5 of us for a grocery store. Then later more show up.... and there is a second store...... and having dizziness doesn't help. I felt as if was going to pass out while on a ladder.  Luckily that didn't happen, I took it slow.... but this is getting annoying. I wish we were done... I want a new job but I'm not quite ready.

50 ways to escape

The flight-or-fight response has become a problem.... and I've been given a challenge to find 50 ways to escape and I'm posting them here... for others and for personal reference. Oh and it can't be watch this show, or read a specific book..... This is hard!! Oh and no using already made up lists. Also they must be positive coping skills... no maladaptive skills.

1. Read a fictional novel
2. Play a game on my phone
3. Listen to music
4. Exercise
5. Play an instrument
6. Watch a movie
7. Leave the room
8. Put a puzzle together
9. Journal
10. Blog
11. Cook
12. Make a snowflake, crochet
13. Work on ear training
14. Use Calm, a meditation app
15. Draw
16. Call a friend
17. Get on Facebook, chat
18. Eat something mindfully
19. Clean
20. Go for a drive
21. Listen to an audio book
22. Visualization
23. Talk a walk
24. Window shop
25. Dance
26. Take  random pictures
27. Study a topic of interest
28. Write a fictional story
29. Eat chocolate
30. What are you grateful for List
31. Look at Pinterest
32. View YouTube videos
33.  Take a bath


I need 17 more... time to look at the internet for more.... I need ideas!!!!

34. Find Jokes/ something to laugh at
35. Look out a window... find something random
36. Serve others
37. Make a random list
38. Create a random melody
39. Plan a night out
40. Choose a number add/subtract to 0, if possible
41. Squeeze a stress ball
42. Progressive muscle release
43. List strengths

6 more...... maybe tomorrow.

44. Read scriptures
45. Pray
46. Stretch
47. Do something that scares you, speak up to others
48. Identify cognitive distortions used in the last hour
49. Drink cold water
50. Challenge a fear

And there's no repeats!! that was a challenge to come up with but now I will have access to this list and it's practical for me, and I hope for others. Enjoy!

Insomnia

I started a new med and I have had insomnia, only getting 4 to 6 hours of sleep. I attempt to sleep by 11 pm but normally I fall asleep 1 to 3 hours later. Then waking up by 3 to 6 am. I'm hoping this changes soon..... but its not just the new med, it PTSD as well. Nights are hard, with flashbacks and nightmares. My muscles in my neck are very sore... and tense. Which doesn't help the sleep aspect. But what really is the point?

I've had several flashbacks to my first hospitalization. It was 6 years ago today, and same day of the week.... which doesn't help. I remember feelings of am I going to be here for Christmas? And wondering what I could do to get out. I had a panic attack and suicidal thoughts,  I was scared,  I reached out for help. I talked with different people. .... then had to be picked up by my parents because I was so anxious. I remember it and don't want it to happen today..... one reason for me being so scared.

Another part of this is I've been struggling spiritually as well..... I keep wondering why I have to go through trauma, from bomb threats to being kicked out of a church school for anxiety attacks, and wanting to die at so many times over the past few years, to having been hospitalized 5 times between November to February, oh and who can forget the many anxiety attacks. I normally don't talk about the spiritual side of things because why do I have too! I'm scared and frustrated and comfort is not easy. Feeling connected to a God that allows for this to happen to me, let alone allowing it to happen to countless others. Yet, I know that there is some love behind allowing us to struggle. I know that there is something to learn, but I feel so alone!

My muscles in my neck hurt, by body is tired, and my mind.... is being affected. I have a headache that is not helping me think straight. I just want to stay home.... and do nothing. .... any way to not go into a flashback. I know today maybe hard, but I'm facing it head on.... that's all I can do.

Undergrad exams done!!

Exams are over. and Cleaning has started. Kind off. Now what  am I going to do with my time??? That's the big question, but I finally lost 6 pounds. I'm excited for the future but lots to decide on but one thing is for sure.... I have mental things to take care of, which will require a lot of work. Let Life really begin!

30 minutes

Went through the last set of slides... yea?! Lots of information, and lets just hope that the mind stays like it.... correction the mind is going to stay like it is now, full of information and ready to pass this test!!!! I have to keep looking for these little things that I do to change how I think, it's a long process but worth the time and effort. I have to pack up and head over for the test, but I'm prepared. I will do well. and I will get that wonderful paper back and see what the instructor thought about it. I may wait to read comments until tomorrow morning... let's just have a great test and have a great night with lots of typing and just relaxing.. I think... there for I am... I will read a fun book tonight and research if I can still take out books at the school library as a community member since I'm almost done. Can't believe it, all the crap that I have been through has been worth it and I'm ready to deal with the fall out, and deal with PTSD symptoms, So excited to start working on that, and doing my own research for once. I will still keep learning. That's what life is all about.

One hour

3 lectures to go through and eat lunch. and only one hour to do it in... I think I'll start with lunch. and study at the same time.

Computer restarting....

I just turned on my computer and it wants to update and restart.... oh so annoyed. I don't need my computer doing this to me... I need to find out what I missed for risk assessment..  And my book is at home. Only 2.5 hours until the test. and I need that computer up, NOW! Yes I'm impatient.

Then it turns on and I see this>

A Perfect reminder at what I need to stop doing... but how... oh wait just do it... Freaking out does not help but... oh wait that's an excuse. Just like having a headache and not doing a thing about it. I'm learning more than just my classes!!!

Last final for undergrad...

Last 48 hours have been tough. I have had a medication change and my body is reacting to the change. I've felt like I am going to pass out, and woke up with a headache. I know it's the medication, I did get some sleep, but it was toss and turn all night type. I feel overwhelmed but at least the headache is finally starting to lift... after waking up at 6 am and feeling crappy. I have taken steps to succeeding and my last post came in handy, it was exactly what I was doing, and now I have to turn things around. must focus... Last exam for undergrad is at 2:30pm, anxiety is high, but it can be controlled. I hate being on so many medications but if that's the way that I have to, then I have to, and I have to accept it and move one. I've learned a lot about me in the last few hours, one thing being that I'm stubborn and that has to change. I had a great teacher but, it's time to let go and do well. Let go of fear, and amaze myself with my strength, which is something that I normally don't acknowledge that fact. I have to change and prepare myself for an unknown future and allow in people around me to help. I'm  changing, and seeing my faults and realizing through an uncensored screen that I have been sabotaging myself, and have made my life harder than it needs to be.

Life is work, hard, consistent work. 

Good Morning

It's 6 am and I am awake and preparing for a busy study session. Before that I wanted to blog about a quote that came up on my computer.

I'm at the end of my program and almost done. I've been fixed on the past, like grades and what happened last time I was on a medication, and the things that happened in the past. The second half seems relevant to what is happening now. I can do well on these exams but I need to put the time and the effort into passing those last round of exams. I have lots to do, and must focus. I can do this!!

Soo much to do.... where to start.....

Last week of classes and the food that is cooking is not helping my focus problems. I have a lot to do and don't know where to start or how to prioritize the long list..... so I'm posting it here to hopefully reduce anxiety.

Done so far.... (the short list)
HP(health psychology) Lecture (L) 17
HP L 18
Working on L19



TO do!!! (condensed)
HP L 20-25
Science and Pseudoscience 10 Lecture videos to study and look at all the material and the instructor was no help on where to focus my study.....
Clinical Psych and Law..... look at Exam 2... and the study guide with classes 9-15 (and this final is all short answer... must know everything)

That's three weeks of material or more in less than a week.... ya so freaking out!!! not enough time!!!

Oh and deal with flashbacks of prior degree and last 3 weeks.. ya PTSD so not fun. MDD not fun either.... this sucks....

Oh and that's only 9 credits but it feels more.... AHHHHHHH Must throw something!!! I'm so not calm and can't focus too well... and I need to just power through this.... how..... ahhhhhh

Putting people to the test....

That test being, are you really listening,  or are you just ignoring what is being said. And the test came back, 2 listen and one continues to ignore. We'll see if this changes things.

I'm still struggling, my back hurts, lip hurts, and still trying to deal with hallucinations and past memories. I just wonder can I sleep? I'm so anxious and in pain, and my mind is still fully awake. Except sleep is a needed thing for finals week.... I mean the week before..... there's so much to get done. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh

I like your Idea BUT....

I have a very annoying older sister and she never lets me for get that I'm the younger one. I asked her to move her crap, so that I could put up my Christmas tree.... her response.... "I like your idea but, can't you find another place for it. I don't have time to move my stuff and you don't have the strength." She leaves the room annoyed. After I think about it, I tell her I am going to put up my tree on Sunday. She resorts with, "so I have to find a spot for my stuff." I finally stood up to her and that's the type of respect that I get, I'm not so sure how much more of this crap I can take. I need to leave this situation soon, it's tearing me to pieces. I need to study but, I can't get this out of my mind.

I stood up to her, yet I feel like crap afterwards. I've requested a parent meeting to talk about said sister.

2-3 hours at a time.... and yet I have classes to catch up on.... TRIGGER WARNING

But WAIT!!!!! So I asked my sister to take a medication, and she said that I should keep it, because I could be back on it........ Let's see I already had planned an overdose.... it's not a good idea to keep a lot of medications around me.... but she doesn't get it, and I can't get it out of my head. It's a medication that I know the location of, and that could be used as a means... Now I want to look up information online... and the news is not helping.... change the channel quick!!

I get about 2-3 hours that I can be upright.. I'm hoping that I can expand that but I have to be careful.. I just hope I sleep well. Last night I woke up about 4 am in pain, then after about a half hour I could fall back asleep. It is easier to wake up though which is good... and then I sneeze and got dizzy. I so need to fall asleep. and I think I'm ready too. This is not the post I started out writing as I wrote the title but oh well.