Post Midterms

The semester is now half way over, and with lots of headaches.... For five weeks now I have had a headache everyday except for 4 days. Which doesn't help when going to college, and doesn't help the mood issues. Which I haven't told to many about that side of it. I'm in constant physical pain, and sometimes I just want to say, I'm done, I can't handle the pain... physical or mental. 

Oh and the headaches also turn into Atypical Migraines, with psychotic type symptoms. Not sure what to do, but hopefully I'll know something soon, or know who to turn to. 

And then there are my classes, I'm trying to stay as busy as I can, and get better grades. It's hard since the headaches take a lot of strength to get through the day, and music is even worse... Can the headaches just go away... soon??

What more can I do???

I'm going to school, so I have lots of stress there. That's the only thing that's new.... and yet mentally things are going out of control... I just don't know what else I can do. I have very few people to talk to, Few that I feel actually safe talking to. I'm out of ideas, who out there can I trust.... that wont tell anyone else that could get me in trouble, or who would come to me if there was some sort of issue.... All I want to do is si and then scream. Or do something that could be noticed... oh wait that would land me in a place I don't want to be.... I really hate my life. And if you know me personally, it would be a good time to start talking to me... It may just help, to get all of this out of my mouth instead of through my hands. How much longer can I take this, this time?

First weekend of the Fall 2012 Semester

Happy Labor Day, everyone. All it means is a day without classes, and lots of study.


But before that day, comes today. I can't seem to want to stay around people.... which is a little concerning...  I want to just be alone, but I don't want to study. Which is slightly frustrating. What else can I do if I don't want to study? So I try and blog, and get things out, but not towards what I should be doing. (insert scream here)

Another part....

When I have time I'll be posting some notes online, things that I have noticed from research that I am doing... of course the source will be listed.

WARNING: If you are suicidal do NOT read on, close the page!! I take no responsibility for your actions, thoughts, or anything else.



Let me give you a preview....
     Over the last month I have been studying Suicide. Trying to understand myself, through another who actually committed suicide. It's been helpful to me to realize some of the things that are the same between the two of us. When things start to turn around, the depression, the lost feeling, the emptiness, the pain would always return. We know it well if we have struggled and wrestled with suicide. He wrote a 14 page (or there about) suicide note. After reading it, I see a lot of myself in him. Things like, feeling absolutely happy, and then falling into the "pit." Trying to find things that improve our lives but finding nothing. And then going back to suicide... attempting if given the chance. Trying to find the best way to commit suicide.


This may not be what you want to hear, but it's the truth. But we have to keep in mind that among my age group, Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death in the United States. Suicide does happen, and then questions come up about if the life could be saved. If someone has been struggling for a long time, and has made up their mind, who knows but them if they want to be saved.


I don't mean to offend people, but it's the truth, at least from my perspective.

The return of classes

I'm back in school now, and I've been okay, mentally speaking. I'm taking 16 credits... am I crazy?! Anyway school has been going on for four days,and now with this big gap in my schedule, and talking with people... I just want to be back in my bubble...

And there's another good reason.... I was at work, counting the customers inventory, and then one of their associate's comes up and  said, "Are you using the shelf tags?" and essential, didn't you see the sign.... I'm not an idiot... I just didn't think it was for the socks... I thought it was for the shoes on the top part of the section. She then proceeded to try and "help" me... in other words she got in my way of trying to "fix" the mistake... It turns out, out of 23 spots... only 6 items where out of place.... It didn't warrant a sign like the one that was there... Oh and normally that is the store's fault... not ours... so I told her off, and basically responded very annoyed right back too her...What else could I have done... well I had to get to class so I left right afterwards. It just made me mad to be talked to like that.

The question on my mind is simple... will the return of anxious, suicidal me come back this semester? Or will I have a semester where my grades are good, and I feel very good.... Am I taking to much on??

So many questions.... and no answers to them...

Dissociated.... for over 30 min.

Today was very hard... and what saved me was counting backwards from 100 by 3. Hard to do, but it's what grounded me. I was in a meeting today, and started to notice myself slipping in to my head, I guess that's how to explain it. While I was in my head, I was having a fight with my Hillary, and needless to say, it didn't go very well. I was starting to panic and slip into an anxiety attack (started to notice shaking and just weakness), and that's when I used the counting backwards, well first of all it was forward, and when that didn't work then I went backwards by 9, and then 3, since 3 was easier to think through.

Afterwards the meeting was starting to end, I was starting to come out of it, but very, very slowly. I was able to stand and respond to people (to a point) but then was in and out of reality. It took writing to get me out of it completely.

Now as I sit here writing this, it brings up fear, and the fight that was transpiring as that happened just a few hours earlier. I feel like I'm falling harder this time, and I don't know this all just feels weird.... What part of me wants, just doesn't work for the other part. If that makes any sense.

I'm scared that this will happen again and I'll start to do something, without being aware of the pain, and then all will end.

Trapped

There's still a few people out there that read this blog, and thank you for reading. I just hope it helps someone out there.

Anyway, I keep trying to get myself to do things, but there's a cloud above me, that makes it feel like I'm being trapped, Like Fog. I just can't seem to get up and do something more than surfing the net and watching TV. I did do one thing for me today, went out and bought 2 shirts. It was fun trying on things, but at the same time, it was used as a distraction from suicidal thinking. I have this continual problem of thinking, and obsessing over how to commit suicide, and judging whether or not it would work. Which leads me to doing nothing. These thoughts upset me, and I feel like I can't stop the thoughts, because it seems like they are being controlled by a super ego, instead of the combination of id, ego, and super ego. Now that I'm writing this, it seems like I'm more than just a little trapped, more like caught in a fire, with no way out. (It is fire season for the US) No matter what I do, I don't know how to run from these obsessive thoughts, and to really be free of them.

There's so much more I want to say, but feeling trapped leads to keeping quiet. Maybe music will help... Of to try and practice for awhile.

Late Night

It's almost midnight, and I'm online trying to distract myself with just about anything.... But nothing is really helping, the thoughts are always in the background. My little Devil is just having way to much fun trying to get me to do things that I don't want to do. It's what she wants, not what I want. I just don't know how to help myself, or how anyone else could help me. The question is "What things will help? and What can I do to talk things through?" there are lots more questions, but I think I'm running out of time to answer them, before things start happening... Needless to say, I'm scared. AHHHHH!!!

The Good, The Bad, and Me

I've had a little visit from the Bad, and to explain what I mean by the title of this post, think of Kronck, From Empire's New Groove (Disney). He has an angle on one side and a devil on the other, and he has to be a mediator between the two.... well for me, it's a little different, I have me, being neutral, and then Hillary, which is The Bad, and the third being The Good, with no other name. Last night, Hillary came back and started to argue with me, and wanted to end life. I felt like I was spinning out of control, and ended up crying, and yelling for her to leave. I had a friend come over to just get "all" of me distracted. It's worked so far.

Now, I'm alone again, and all I want is peace from the insanity that I live in. When will something better come around, or a good boyfriend. I'll take whatever is given unless it's the Bad side, in a different form. Please Just let me have some peace today.

The Fray

Wow, it's been a busy few weeks. And now I finally blog.... I've been working a lot, and I have crazy hours. (12 hour days full of travel, give or take) Honestly, it's a royal pain, but good money. I just wish I had a normal sleep schedule. But since I don't I'll have to make due.

"How to Save a Life" has been going through my mind, a lot lately. and that normally means my mood is dipping farther than I want. Especially if I listen to it, 2-10 times in a row. I just wish people around me knew, or would call more often. Right now, I can't call them, I just hate having to turn to others when things get bad. I know that there are others out there that feel the exact same way. And what more can we do. It's a hard position that some of us get into.

Now is the time to save lives, but how many of us actually know when to say, "we need to talk" and how many will actually say it. But who is going to see.

SPRING!!!!

Spring has come... but the weather seems to be a bit Bipolar... Sunny one day, rain the next, then snow... is this spring or some other season.

The warmer weather helps the mood. over the past month I haven't really had to many suicidal thoughts. But once something goes wrong with my physical body, that's when I turn to the idea of seeing the pain that I feel inside me.....Since Monday, I have choked once, and my throat has been very tight... So I went in to the doc, and I have a test later that I"m a bit scared for.

Is there anything else??? Always. I haven't had the will to post, since I haven't had to many disturbing thoughts. I've been doing well... that is until yesterday...

On a brighter note, I have had a lot of time to study, but a lot of time to think.

Spring Break

Either this week will be good for me financially or mentally it will be draining.... Which will it be??

Things I have done today.....
Got up, took meds on time, worked out for 45 minutes, eat

Other than that, I'm writing which is a good thing, but at the same time I wonder if I'll do much.....Reasons why I wonder this are this.... I like Netflix and that's what's one constantly, 2, I have had time to practice my various instruments and today I just haven't done so, I've found reasons to not practice.

Is there more reasons?? mmmmm... that I"m not sure about....

Don't give up, just yet.

Don't give up.... on your dreams... on your life... on yourself. Once you give up on yourself, it take s a while to start to give yourself a chance.

I have spent the last 2 months down, and depressed, and suicidal.... feelings that I don't have right now... correction I still feel depressed but it's a normal for me. It's what I have known for the last 6 years. If I had given up, I would not be here.... and I wouldn't have my mind back now.

In the last two months, I have been in the Behavioral Unit... not once... but twice... and through that, I have found myself again. I can study, and recall the information. My grades are improving. I'm getting better....

The minute I let the depressed feelings in, that's the minute that I start to spiral down hill... and it happens quickly for me. And I'm not far from the self harm thoughts. I've struggled, but now I can be a strength to those around me...

Remember, Don't give up, just yet. And this requires doing the little things, i.e. getting up, going to class, being around people, exercise, and writing... The little things help us to remember not to give up.

I won't give up.... I know I'm worth the time and to give up is to say, "God, I just don't care about me, and I must not be worth the time." But the truth is, God does want us to turn to Him, because we are worth the time and effort to fix, and to help us grow.

OH.. I almost forgot.... Happy PI day everyone... 3.14 get it....

What time is it??

The time seems to fly by me, for most of the week and then things go wrong.... I've had about 2 weeks free of all of the depression symptoms and then they return... How much longer can I take them returning??? I plan the night before of what I want to get done... and then I don't get anything on that list done... I watch Netflix instead.... this is a problem... one that doesn't have a solution yet... must find solution....

Just needed to vent a bit....

Busy Month

Thanks for hanging in there, and waiting for me to post. But I just haven't had time....

In the last 2 months, I have been in the Behavioral Health Unit twice. And still have been able to stay in College this semester. It's very hard to have been there financially, and hard for those around me. I have experienced people telling me that I can't continue in my college classes, and those telling me I needed help. I have experienced much sadness, despair, disaster, and happiness. I had two STRAIGHT months of feeling suicidal. I have good news, I made it through those two months of suffering. Some may wonder, what made the difference?? Here's what I found.

Writing down things I hope for
Finding Hope, Humility, and Spirituality
Finding Faith in God
Practicing Relaxation Techniques. DAILY!!!!
Talking about the first few months of when the depression started.
Doing things that help to soothe the Soul, and then doing them daily
Forgiving myself of the things that happen during periods of severe depression
Talking with friends about things related to my mental health
Finding people to talk to, about anything, and I mean anything
Writing my thoughts, emotions, and physical state
Being Proactive with my time, cutting down the t.v. shows, and facebook

That's what I have found that helps.... and now I'll still post, but my hope is to share the hope and humility that I found, that could help others (the ones who read this blog). My hope is that I will remain free of suicidal thoughts.

Sending you hope,
Puzz

Time to try and empty my head....

I'm just going to vent and try to empty my head of all emotional stuff....

That being said, this post has a TRIGGER possibility... DO NOT read this if you are not strong....


TRIGGER WARNING!!!



Now that I have that out of the way, in the last 24 hours I have been very suicidal. I have only told one person, until now. But what I haven't said, would scare just about anyone.... I have started to really plan, and this is never a good sign.... I will see my pdoc and T all in one day, but I just hope that they can help. With the thoughts I'm having I'm a bit...... to put it in simple terms, my head hurts, I can't think straight, and yet I still keep trying to do homework...

Mmmm emotions.... what am I feeling right now?...... lonely, anxious, nervous, scared, angry because of the thoughts that it seems like they are automatic thoughts, and they just keep coming... and coming... and coming. I'm having a hard time fighting these thoughts, and I just want to give in, but I'll talk with both my pdoc and T, before I do anything. I'd have time afterwards to do something to snap me out of this..... Maybe something relaxing, could help.

I've tried to ground, but when my head is starting to feel like it's shaking, grounding just doesn't work. I've tried to visualize a peaceful place, focus on things around me, focused on some homework topics for recall practice, focused on a video, and focus on my breathing, but none of those are helping.

I'm running out of options to try, and calling a T is just not something I want to do... it's weird.... I've never done that before. It's something new to me... and I'm just not comfortable with that.

Bad Day....

Today has been terrible... I've had many thoughts of suicide. I haven't been able to focus at all, and I have a paper due at 8am tomorrow..... and my mind is not with me, it's of thinking of things I could do instead. I need to write this paper, and turn it in by email.... I... just am not getting anywhere... I can't think straight, which is a problem with writing a paper.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Head hits wall HARD!!!!

What can I do to get working on that paper???

Should be studying....

I really should be studying I have a test next week. And so far, I've done better on this round....a 96% on my Chemistry test.... yea... kind of.

I'm in an abnormal psychology class, and today we talked about suicide. I did well not to be triggered in class, but now, it's a different story. I am trying to remain in control, and doing well. I've had to distract myself with my favorite show... it has worked... which is good, but I've completely zoned out, and I need to get some homework done, and studying done..... what am I going to do, to be able to study, and read about suicide.... any ideas??

Time

I have two tests this week, and I don't feel like studying, at all. I'm trying to get myself to study, but it's not working. I need to study, but lacking motivation to start studying. I should just try, or just get some food..... I should..... AHHHHHHH

After a rough weekend

This week I have Two tests, and both of them will be hard. I should be studying but, its hard to just start studying when my mind is not completely with me. Let me explain what I mean. If you are easily triggered, don't read on. **** Trigger to come ****

This past weekend was one that was very hard. I was trying to study, when the suicidal thoughts came in. It wasn't like it has been in the past, I actually started to plan, and find what could work. I'm not going in to to many details, due to others that could read this. I have thought of the plan multiple times. I know that my safety is an issue right now. I'm doing my best but, it just doesn't seem like it's enough.

And then the weekend turns into a week. It's Monday, I should have been working this morning, but had to call to cancel... again.... I hate having to call in, due to the medication that caused dizziness. I have a lot to do, but no real drive to get things done. The other part of this is that suicide is not far from my mind. I still think of death, I still think of pain. It distracts me. I should be studying but, with what's on my mind, it's hard to try and study about abnormal psychology. Especially since I'm so abnormal from the rest. This all adds to the anxiety level, which is high anyway when I am not on the Wellbutrin. It sucks to have high levels of anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

I see my doc tomorrow, and I see my new therapist tomorrow. It should be interesting. I just hope that the time works out well...... and to have a parking spot. But I do have something to look forward to, and that helps. I will get another notebook for my notes, and I hope I can get some studying done, and remember what I learn.... I hope.

Explosion~~******

Sooner or later things catch up to you. As they have me. I'm contemplating droping out of this semester and just trying to get the meds in a better place where the side effects don't affect me like this. When my head hurts and pain relievers wont work, that's when I turn to other things, that's when it get's dicy. Well I've been at this point before, and nothing has happened, I can't keep coming back to this point, I want to leave it here, but it keeps coming back. What do I do? What can I do to think straight. I hate my life right now, it feels like gravity is working against me....

And then there was one....

I went to Concert Band, and found out that there is only one person in my section, and that's me. Oh and I haven't really studied much today.... I have no Idea what I'm doing in Chemistry, and I have a quiz tomorrow... I'm in trouble..... Venting is over.

After a Week....

For the first week of classes I was in the mental hospital (mh), and now I get to try and understand the homework... Key word TRY....

One good thing came out of the mh is the possibility of having a councilor/therapist that can do the combination of CBT and DBT. It should be a good thing. I just have to try and make it through the next few hours with my head. The side effects are a hyperactive mind, dizziness and dilated pupils.

With all of this, it makes focusing on my classes, a very difficult task. I'm trying but I just don't understand. I hope I can figure out how to stay focused.... I'm just waiting for when it happens.

I'm back....

After 5.5 days, I'm home from the behavioral unit. I was suicidal for 4 weeks, and finally after a panic attack, I went in. I don't remember what happened the first few days, or where I was but now I'm back now. The time spent at the hospital was a good thing, it's good to be home, but I'm scared to be left alone. Tomorrow I'll be left alone, and I'm planning on driving tomorrow, with my mind that likes to go at speeds way to fast. I can numb it down with Alieve but that's not good for every day but tonight may be just a good idea so I can actually think a bit... I hope. I'll be posting more later but for right now I've got myself to take care of.

Ignoring....

***** I have to flag this post due to the nature, if you are not in a sound mind position then do NOT read this. If you are in a position where you can read, then go ahead, but if you are in a position like I have been these last 4 weeks, then I recommend not reading this.******


I know right now, things aren't going well, but Ignoring them is how I have gotten through the last 4 weeks. I've ignored all of the thoughts, all of the actions that could have happened....

Ignoring the problem, just doesn't make it go away. I know that, I need to handle all of the thoughts, I need to ask for help. But right now I"m not in the position to ask for help. I see where I need to be the first week of classes, and that is in class, afterwords if I have to go in to the hospital then so be it. But this weekend is not the weekend to do it. I have work, I'm going to work, I'll take meds if I have to, to just be able to have my head with me, and not in that pit of destruction.

Right now, and through out the day has be very hard, I still haven't told my family about what's going on, and the possible need for the hospital again. None of them knows what's going on, or what could have happened. I can get things out here, and hopefully be able to hang on a bit longer. No set date on any plans, which is good. If there was a date, I really don't know what would happen, either someone would find out before, I would not act on them, or someone would have to call for help. If I can keep it form a set plan, then I can continue to ignore it. It's what I do, and I"m good at it. I can ignore this for a bit longer, I know I can. I have too.


I just realized something, besides the ignoring tactic, I have also been not a good example. and I apologize for not taking my own advice, for not doing what I would have told people to do if they were in my shoes. I'm sorry I never meant for this to go this way. I just had to help others in their struggles, and now, I should let them know, but I'm scared of anyone finding out. I want to go to my first day of classes. by Thursday all of my classes will have started (Except Physics lab) It's a long weekend, so If I have to then I'll go in on Friday until Monday to get help.... That's my plan and I hope I'll stick with it..... or I"ll need some convincing.

A long 18 hour day

I had 14 and a half hours of work, in one day. and one the way home, my mind deceived me. Or in other words, I had to go inside my head to try and make it so that I could be okay, and no one would notice that I was struggling. I've gotten pretty good at it, making it look like I'm Sleeping. Not to mention not even my sister knows the struggles of the last 4 days. I've kind of hid from all of the pain of telling people. I just haven't wanted to face the truth. I want to continue to deny that there is a problem, but I do need help, I need someone to talk to, someone to convince me that I can go get help, and still have enough money to live, with out the next couple of days. It's going to take quite a bit to convince me.... to do what is best to survive.

I'm going to have to see a counselor, and hopefully ask for help...