New Year's Eve

As 2011 comes to a close, nothing has really changed. The SUI and SI thoughts are at full strength. I wonder what could happen in the first week of 2012. I just don't know how long I can last like this. I need the money, I need to work, but I need to release some of this mental anguish. I don't know what coping strategies could work, don't know what to try, or what even I can do without telling people around me. I don't know what to do, I know what a few people would have me do, but the fact is I"m just too stubborn.

Hard Day, Hard Month

After a day of work, a nap, and thinking, It's just been a hard day. I have some LOUD music being played across the hall., and it's just annoying. I just don't know what else I can do. Anxiety level is high, and impacting how I sleep. The nap was good, but didn't help enough. I'll continue to use distractions in hopes that something will change.

To unload a work issue. One of my coworkers, decided to try and count candy... and made a huge deal about me taking the 2700 piece area, saying this isn't protocol... I had already started to count the area... needless to say, I could be quicker, and accurate on the area, and I wanted the accuracy to be there. I've heard of her counting, and didn't want her to count it. Well, she got upset, and then apologized for me getting upset... ? HUH??? This isn't the way it's suppose to be. The right people are suppose to count the correct things, to provide the client with accuracy. NO ONE should complain about an area being counted by another... this just doesn't make sense I would have been glad that someone had done it for me. But no she just had to COMPLAIN about it being not protocol, to me.... and who knows if my boss will find out, but I don't care, If she wants to complain about everything (and she does) then let her. I don't care... Okay now I feel a bit better, but still The simple fact that she apologized for me getting upset, just doesn't make sense. Oh wait, that's just want happens... grrr.

I still don't feel better at all, Still down, Still annoyed, Still wanting something I can't have. I just hate this right now, I just don't know what to do, besides trying to deal with the emotions, and all the thoughts, I'm not sure who could even help, since I'm to stubborn to ask for help, but I am concerned that something is going to happen, and the simple fact of it happening would be one of the only things that would bring this up to the attention of those around me. No one knows, or those that do know, aren't talking... either way, this is my outlet.

Besides all that, for any who are reading, I do have to write one thing, If you are in the position like me, get yourself help, don't be like I am..... Stubborn to ask for help.

Time is coming....

3 weeks have past, and not much has changed. I'm not sure what will happen, but all I know is that I will go to work in the morning, and that I will sleep tonight, and I hope things improve, or change for the better.... Time will tell.

Joy, what's that?

I've started to notice a few things... like not really having any joy, or being really irritable. I know the depression is getting worse, it's been that way now for 3 weeks, and getting worse means that every symptom is getting worse. I've been trying to curve this, but it hasn't been working. I've been close to talking about how bad it is, but it hasn't happened... I haven't even started DBT yet, due to the fact of being dragged to more stores than I wanted too. I just don't know what more I can do.... or what could help... I'm not sure of what things are left to try, except for not so healthy methods. I'll try a few things... I just hope something works, or I'll be able to talk to someone.

Christmas Day

Last night trying to get to sleep took about 2 hours... for me that's not normal at all. and then I slept in to almost to late today to get to my Christmas Program for my ward, and another ward family. It's been a somewhat normal day... except one little thing... because of all of the emotional stuff that I have kept in my head, my head hurts from the emotional pain. Normally when this happens, SI is the best way to calm it. But I don't have that option right now. The next four days I'm going to have to focus on me, and somehow getting past all this stuff that is happening and has happened for the last like 3 weeks. It hasn't been a real great December. All I want is to just have the past stay behind me, with no flashbacks of times past, and with not suicidal plans. I'm tired of this and I don't know what I can do to just.... "snap out of it" as some would say.

This is the season to be happy right?? Then this season is just not for me. I'm not happy, I'm not enjoying things, I put on a fake front every day. and have gotten good at the fake front. It's hard to keep it up, but it works to hid it from people.... I just hope I can make it to the Gym tomorrow, and finish my puzzle today... I'm so close...I guess there is some joy with doing a puzzle, but that's the only thing I have found that gives me joy.

I decided to pull from PsychCentral.com this list of Depression Symptoms... just to find out how bad it really is.... Anxious/empty mood, worthlessness, loss of interest, difficulty remembering and making decisions, Oversleeping, decrease in appetite (exercise helps with this), thoughts of Suicide... duh.... So that's 7 out of 11... Not so great. I know things are bad, and nothing seems to help... I have got to try and not oversleep, and actually try my instruments again...

I know my mental condition is bad, and I haven't had time to really focus on getting some actual help... I'm not sure I really want to... Last hospitalization my roommates had to convince me to go. It would take a lot to convince me again.... If it would even work... I'll start doing DBT tomorrow, and exercise... that will help... not to  mention to work off some of the weight gained during the holidays.

Christmas.. just barely.

It's almost 1am and I should be sleeping, but my mind is going a million miles an hour, and that just doesn't work to try and sleep. I was fine for most of Christmas eve, up until the last 4 hours. I keep replaying parts of 2008 hospitalization and the one the first of this year. Mixing them together. It's put me on edge. I don't know how much longer of this and the sui and si thoughts I can take. There's lots of snow and ice around town ( more on the streets that don't get traveled on) and I part of the time I think about just sliding, forcing my car to slide... It's almost a conditioned response. I'm scared to drive some times. I'm trying to force myself to overcome them on my own, but I don't know how much longer I can hold on. SI is the only way out. I"ll try and play one of my instruments tomorrow, and hope that that helps. I'm going to try Dialectical Behavior Therapy (from here on out called DBT), I'm hoping it will help. I am going to try and start tomorrow, when I get a few minutes to myself. I have to do something to try and help, and I just don't know anyone that does DBT in my area. I wish I did. But that may not help in enough time.... Time will only tell what happens in the next week.

In the past 2 days, I have tried to make my life how it would be in the hospital, to try and see if that would help. I just hope that I can keep all of this in my mind and not in the real world. I just don't want to many people to know/be concerned about me. I just can't take those two things. Enough people know, and that's all I want to know. Which I know isn't smart at all. and I hate keeping things from my family, but I feel like I have too. No matter how hard things get, I've always found a way through it. But this time, since the thoughts have been for more than 2 weeks. That's what makes me scared.... Petrified really. Since I'm not telling even my treatment team of what is really going on.... Which is not smart...



Just to clarify.......
For anyone who is attempting, thinking or planing, of suicide. It is not the answer, You know who you are and how strong you are. If you need hospitalization then get yourself help. I'm one to say this, and yet I'm not doing it myself, but I know that I'm not quite to that part of needing that extra help. You know yourself better than anyone, but, if you need to, go and get help.

I know the past few weeks have not been easy, but I have gotten through them. Yes I have had several times, where hospitalization would have helped, but I felt needed, and had to fulfill obligations and I choose to be there for my family. Now I just hope they will be there for me, even around Christmas, which could make it hard for years to come... but I have to do what's best for me... I'll keep posting as I need to, just to get things where I can physically see them.

Time... distractions

I've been trying different distractions... but I'm still having  a hard time. I don't want to tell anyone, because it's just to painful for me. I've been remembering things I wish I could just let go, since the memories make things worse. I was doing a puzzle for a few hours today, but it's not a big enough distraction... I just hope I can find something that will work... I just am running out of distractions to try.

Half Hour

I've looked at this screen for a half hour, and I still don't even know where to begin. I'm scared, really scared. I was on my way home today, from the gym, and almost crashed into the hill and a sign post. I don't know what I can do. I have to be to work tomorrow, but after that, I don't have anything for a week that I have to be too. No obligations, except being around family on Christmas, but what if I can't enjoy being around them, and no one in my family knows what really is going on. Three years ago, I was in a mental hospital from the 21-24, and my mind keeps reverting back to that hospitalization and the one I had 11 months ago, about this time of month. Flashes of memories, and what it could be like for a third admission. And I'm very scared that keeping myself from there, could lead to something else, that would instantly keep me away from my obligations. Surely another could be there for my sister, but then she would be worrying about me. I really don't know what to do. I'm scared of what might happen, because it was very close to happening today. I have felt like this before, I can get through this again, but at what cost. I'm really scared, of the future, and what it might bring, that even that fact is tearing me apart. I keep faking and telling people that I'm fine, but the honest truth is, I'm a long ways from fine.

After House....

I have a nickname for my psych doc... Dr. House. Not a complement at all. I brought up the results from the Psych Eval, and he ignored it, until he talks with the other Dr. over the Eval.... he was more focused on me not knowing where the suicidal thinking is coming from. I've been trying to find that one out for several years now. The thoughts just seem to happen.... and where or what they stem from... I have no clue. Yes that makes it even harder to treat, and I know it. I've known it for years, and it frustrates me even more. Especially when I get lectured in House's office.

I was afraid of his response of the Hospital may be the best place, but luckily that didn't happen. But I think he wanted too, but in conversations past I have made it a point that I won't go back there, unless a series of events happens. Even if it would be helpful, I still can't go around Christmas again.

So, besides all of that, I'll admit it now, I was having the suicidal thinking in House's office. I didn't tell him, it was bad enough to disclose the methods I was thinking off. He also asked if I was able to enjoy things... the truth is, I haven't really for a few weeks. I enjoyed playing music, I'll have to try that again, to see if I can enjoy it. Enjoyment, hopelessness, and the suicidal thinking are my biggest challenges. And once again, I'm alone in this battle..... I'm doing this all on my own... and it sucks. I do have a support network online, but having a friend to talk to at anytime of day would be nice.

The Words, I don't want to hear

There is a series of words that I don't want to hear, but I'm afraid I will hear them tomorrow. I'm scared that I will hear them. I got my results back from my finals, and one I was not even expecting. I was doing well in Physics, and now I looked at my grade, and it was half what I had all semester. I emailed my instructor to find out if that is the correct grade, or if it had been entered in wrong. I'll find out soon, I hope....

Besides that, I think my mental state interfered with my finals, and I could have done better, had my mind been in the right state. I see the facts, I know what's wrong, but I just can't have another Hospital admission around Christmas. (I had one back in 2008 from the 21-24) I just can't be away from family this time of year. I know I need help, I'm scared, and I just don't want to hear the words, of yet another hospital admission. The simple fact is, my thoughts are not safe anymore. I'm doing my best to keep safe, but doing so requires the use of SI to just get through the day.

It's the 18th, I really want to be able to be at home for this week, but I also know that safety is a concern for those who know about the thoughts. It's a concern for me, and a burden. Life is hard when you have thoughts of suicide, very hard. Between staying safe, and attempting to fool everyone around me, it's a full time job to just stay safe, and somewhat mentally stable. And somewhat mentally stable is not really happening. I'm doing all that I can, and it's never really enough. But this time of year, I have to make it enough.... somehow. I just don't want to hear those words.

AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

The scream is just not enough. Exercise is not enough. What is enough?? I got a few things done, but I feel like I should be doing something completely different. I'm trying not to think of certain things, but honestly it's not working. I really don't know what to do, exactly. I should call someone, but I don't want to hear a certain phrase. I guess it's back to faking everything, and telling no one, irl.

Yikes

Where do I even start. What do I even write. What can I really say. The last two days have been hard. I don't even know where to begin. I'm scared, I don't want to even write anymore. I'm scared. I don't want to hear a certain phrase. I'll do anything to not hear it, but it doesn't help, at all. What can I do, who could I turn to, who won't say those words, and just help me.

Diagnosis.... is it right?

So what does this mean?

So I just took this ADHD little test, and this is what it gave me....

And so this makes me wonder, what if this has gone undiagnosed because the depression was the symptoms. and What if something else is really going on, that could help me more? 

Questions, Questions.... I just wish I had an answer... but since I don't, I"ll just leave this thinking here. And pick it back up after finals. 

Okay, I'm not ready to leave this just quite yet. 

The real question is do I want my life to change, for the better. I've been avoiding this for several months, and now, I still want to avoid it, but it's not healthy. And I do want to get of the meds, or do I?  There are things I need to figure out, but right now is not the time to even think about this..... oh wait, I'm obsessing again. There is something more that meets the eye, and I"m not pinpointing it just quite yet. I know something has been wrong, I didn't know what to call it at first, so I called it from an example, then I obsessed about it. 

What is the answer? Is this really depression, or is this a picture of my imagination that started this, and then I obsessed about it for years. 

I found a website... http://helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_symptoms.htm
I'll have to look at this more later, and type more in... tomorrow after finals.

ADHD is likely, but could it be the right diagnosis, and the depression and anxiety issues are just symptoms of the ADHD? Could be, but I'll have to leave this here. For now. And come back to the website tomorrow...

AGGG.....

I have a lot to study, and now I really don't want to do it. I have two of my hard tests on one day, back to back. I need some sort of release. I'm also trying to watch "The Confession" (House M.D.) and it's driving me nuts. I think I'm going to enjoy that 1.5 hours at the gym later to watch a movie. It at least will be something. and I'll just have to take along the review sheets, and tests for my tests. I have way to much to do. and no desire to do them. But I have to. Something is about to blow up in my face yet again..... Life is already hard, and then you add in two mental disorders and a learning disability. I just don't know what else to do, to get relief from all that is going on in my head.

.......................Finals

I should be studying, but I can't. Focus is very hard right now. I'm trying to just hide myself in the library, but I can't hide from my thoughts. Last night I was able to totally zone out for 2 hours. It felt good to just hide everything from me. I didn't think, and then I had to leave, and the thoughts returned. Much like they are now. A few people around me (irl) know what's going on, but only just a little bit, the amount that I was comfortable with. I am trying to focus, I'm trying to keep my head and to study. That shouldn't be hard, right? WRONG. Keeping my mind focused right now is the worse thing I can try to do, yet I have to. I just have 3 days of studying and taking the finals, but it seems like forever.

I will still keep on exercising daily, since it helps to at least get my mind of things for a bit, and do something for me.
I will keep on trying to study, and if that doesn't happen then I'll try and get things from my head on to the screen or paper.

Other than that, I'm not sure what more I can do. I know what would help, but I'm trying to stay clear of it, but its very hard to do. I'm not sure how much longer I can take of this. I have to do something, at least for the next few days. I have to stay clear of one plan, which is very, very hard. Especially when no one knows about it. (and I mean no one) I know where I should be, but it's a place I can not go to, I have obligations to be here for. Sad, right?

Exercise Complete

I've attempted this post three different times, and I just can't get the words the right way, the way I want them. I have to complete an essay, and try and clear my mind. (If that's possible) I just hope I can keep it from those around me. Only two people know, that are close and then any of you that reads this. But the thing to keep in mind is I don't want to many to know, so I'll hide it. That's something that  I have gotten really good at. I can do this. I know it.

Now to get to studying and that paper I have to write.

Safety vrs Obligations

I have obligations that I have to be around for, but for my own safety, I really should be else where. I really don't know what to do. I have to be there for my family, to finish the semester, and to work. I know I can help others with feelings like what I have, but right now, things are hard. I'm not sure what I want to do. Since what I want I can't have. I have finals to study for, but at the same time, I really should be helping myself. But the hard thing is trying to balance everything. I know what I should do, but at the same time I have to do my obligations. I have things to do. Which is more important?

I know I had a break down last night, I need to talk to someone about the plans, how I"m feeling, and if there's anything else I can do before "turning myself in" so to speak. What more can I do if exercise doesn't work all the way, or talking about it, what then? I know what the professionals would say, safety is more important, but there has to be something else I can do. Isn't there?

For now, I will try to put this all behind me, at least for tonight, and maybe I'll try to do something I once loved, to see if it helps, and I'll exercise tomorrow.

Game plan:
Study, complete assignments
exercise
practice clarinet
attempt to get past all this.

Psych Evaluation done

In order to receive some help I had to have a Psych Evaluation done, and I found out somethings that is interesting. I have a Reading Disorder, but when under a stimulant medicaition for ADHD, the reading disorder goes away. If I took this med when I have to read a lot, I wonder if it would help me to gain more out of my classes.

On another note, my head is in a fog today. It's at least not suggesting sui planning. Which is good, but it's very hard to deal with. It makes me tired, and my head hurts a lot. I'm scared for next week. I'm afraid of the voices returning and suggesting sui. I'm so scared right now. I need to be writing a paper but I'm not getting anything done on it, at all. I still have lunch time to write it, but I'm not sure if I'll have my head back or not. It's very hard to even think right now. I hate this, I really do. SI seems like the only way out, but it's not the best way, that's for sure. There has to be another way to get my mind back. But what is that way???

Scared

I'm scared of a friend coming over, giving in to temptation, saying away from things.

I don't know the point of this but,


More later

One paper down....

I still have a few things to do, but at this time, my mind is not with me. It's on to a different subject, one subject that distracts me more than anything. I need to do something to not let that subject win. Therefore, I am attempting to expel part of the feelings out by writing, the honest truth is it's not working. I want it even more than ever, since I have the perfect plan, that could not be ruined by others. I have opportunity, and that scares the pants off me. I know what I need, and that need is a friend to be there so I'm not alone, at least physically. Yikes, will these thoughts end?????

Few minutes later
Still wanted it, and I'm scared that it will happen. There's only one way to keep from it, which would be not to be near the things that would be used. I have to be strong, it's the only way.

One Lab Later
It's still on my mind, I have gotten a little more done on the things that are keeping me here, instead of being in a place where I'm constantly watched. I know what could come, and I really don't want that. I just want a friend to be there for me. I don't want to be alone tonight after tutoring. I don't want to go home. Where the temptations are all around me.
      For now I will listen to music, work on my lab,a nd then workout before going to work. After that, then I'll eat, If things are not improving and getting worse then I'll call a friend and that way I won't be alone. I just hope this works.....

TOO much to do

Assignments to do:
Final Project on Improving Safety Plans for those who are Suicidal
Final Project on a Statistics problem (of my choice)
Lab 4 for Statistics
Homework 12 for Physics
Owl homework that is optional, and extra credit to prep for final exam
Stats homework due Monday
Owl homework Required Due Friday at 9am

I sure hope that's it. I do have a final today but I don't have to do well on it, so I really don't care to study for it. What I get wont change my grade at all. The hardest part is feeling like you need to harm yourself because of fear. I'm constantly afraid of another anxiety attack (one did happen after 10 months... grr) and my head is not liking me. I have so much to do, and no real will to do it. This just sucks. If I make it through this, I'll be kind of happy. Why Kind of... just because then I'll have 3 weeks to do nothing, and maybe job hunt (again). And the real question is will I get much done? Got to do Owl homework. 

Is that the time?

I have class in 10 minutes. So I'll make this quick. I have lots to do, and no will to do it. This is not a good combination. I have 3 things due next week, and only just a start on each one. I have to complete them all by next week..... and I am afriad to work on them/what happens when the semester ends.

Got to run to class. More later... I hope...

too little time

I wish there was more hours in the day, I just seem like I can't get enough done... with the mental stuff I have 3 chapters to read, but my studies come first. And I still need time to relax and work.... I've had one major attack last week and I'm still having pain (physical) from all of the shaking. Needless to say, my mind is cloudy, and I just hope I can get the work done..... Please can I have more time...

How do I recover?

Or the better question is when will I make my recovery. I keep doing things that take up time, and are becoming addictions. Truth be said, I'm scared to make the change. I want the change, but at the same time I'm still doing the things I don't even want to talk about. I..... want out of these addictions, but I just don't know how to spend my time besides with the addictions, and I, well that's all I know are the addictions.

I tried writing my final project but, I can't do it, I need to persuade myself to make the changes. I will be my biggest success if I can find in this project ways to help myself into recovery.

Need to study....

I really hate the position that I'm in. I'm in a lot of pain physical and mental. But the mental pain is not even ending. I've had two small anxiety attacks today, but I'm still in a lot of pain. I need to study, but I can't focus. My mind is on a different world, a world that I don't want.Or do I..... I have to decide.... I have one person to talk to, but at the same time, I really don't want to. The pain is getting to me, I got sleep last night but not the night before. I have a test on Friday, and I'm a bit scared that I don't know the material due to what has happened. Will the pain go away?

Day off

Due to the pain and the medication, I had to take today off from classes. And it's putting me behind, but on the other hand, I'm really not doing well at all. I want the pain to end, and nothing is really taking it away. I know of  one thing that would end the pain.... it would be easy right now, since I'm the only one home, and no one would check on me for a few more hours. I'm not safe, yet I tell the world that I am safe, just to stay away from the hospital. I've been to the ER once this week, and I don't want to again, at the same time, I want to do the unthinkable and just relieve the pain, and be done with it.

I should work out now, but my body would not allow it. My neck has to have support in order to even let me be awake enough to type and maybe learn chemistry. At the same time, I don't want to do anything except the unthinkable.


I need to study but I have NO motivation to do so. Guess I better just try, and get past the pain and the tiredness.

Pain

I had an anxiety attack, the first one in 10 months. and I'm in soo much pain. My neck is the worst, so tight. Not to mention the anxiety towards the si and sui. I've been supper tempted. It sounds good, to get away from this pain. It might be easy, and it's one thing that is been on my mind. I'm scared, very scared. I have a lot of stresses. I seek control and the attacks means that I loose that control over my body and then I fight for the control again. I just hope I can sleep tonight.... I hope I can think again... I hope I can get things done.... I want sleep. I just hope it comes easily, and with not as much pain.

Focus...

Is there such thing as focus today for me. I know I have to see pdoc today, and ask him to write a letter of recommendation to get my associate's finally. But still, where is my focus, I have things I need to study, and no will to study them. All I want to do is just type. I did get my homework done that is due today, but I have a lab report that I need to do, and read for physics, but I still can't focus. It's almost as if I need to do something drastic to get my focus back, but I don't want to do that, I want to just be able to focus. I want someone to talk to about this, even if they don't understand.

In the past few days I've noticed things that are scaring me. I've zoned out a few times, and I in order to bring the connection back, I have to focus on something that I'm doing to get out of that state. It's concerning. I don't know what it is, and I'm scared. There I said it. I'm scared that it's something that is going to continue. And the pain that comes from that disconnection is quite painful. Is there something out there that can help to not let that "zoning out" to happen. Not to mention my cognitive side is a little slow today. (and sometimes feels like it's slowed down, and everything is going in slow motion. Is this all connected? Is there something I can do besides trying to ground myself?

Can I just get my paper done, and some studying done too? PLEASE!!

I got part of it done, but I just don't want to study. I feel like something is wrong. I need someone to talk to about all of this, in person. The only question is who.... I have one in mind, after my appointment I may just call him and ask him to go for a walk, just to talk, since I don't like talking on the phone about these things. The zoning out is taking it's toll on me. I'm frustrated and almost want to start the "normal" si method. Only to make it easier to talk about, the method I use is not one that to many people would want to talk about. And it's not really a method according to my pdoc. I hate it. I'm scared. I just don't know who to turn to right now, besides this blog, to try and get the words out.... but words are hard.... music is easier... but still hard. Do I change methods, or do I just try and end the si?

The other thing with all of this, is I don't have money to spend on any therapy sessions, and I need someone. Right now trying to do this on my own is extremely hard, and I..... exercise helps... music helps... but there is still something that is still making my life extremely hard. The simple fact of the si has not lessened.... and I want control....... I'm also self-destructive. which doesn't help at all..... what to do, what to do........ must study.... must write lab.......... AGGGGGG

.... can I sleep yet?

In the past 48 hours I've had 3 episodes of feeling totally not connected with the rest of me. Like someone chopped off my head, and left a lot of pain. And the episodes last for a few minutes to a half an hour. I hate them, but I have to except that part. And now it has to be time for bed.... after 3 hours of one problem for physics. I just hope tomorrow is productive.

Punishment??

I have not been able to accept the self-injury, and I have not found a professional that understands enough to help me figure out the reason behind the si. I want someone that will accept it and help me to understand. I just have one big thing, well two things really. Trust and Control. When I go in to a therapy session I feel as if I'm losing control by just being there. Trusting in the therapist doesn't happen because of how the self-injury happens. Some times I wonder if changing the method would help to find someone who I could talk to about all of this. I should be studying but my mind is just not here with me. I just feel like no one really understands me. And that fact alone makes it seem like I'm all alone.

I'm alone when the punishment begins, I'm alone when the self-injury happens. I'm alone in the depression, I'm alone. Who could I talk to that I would trust enough to talk to about all of this? The answer lies some where in the question. I'm the only person I can talk to. I have to bring back the inner dialog that I had to relabel 10 months ago. I just have to try and leave the harm part of her out. How do I do this? How do I not punish myself for doing this? I'm alone, I have yet to find someone that truly understands.

Self destruction

I've been saying for awhile that it's time for a change, but nothing changes for the good. I'm still having urges, and some times giving in. I have had some issues with sleep due to staying up late and then getting maybe 2 hours sleep. I feel as if I have to be punished for not sleeping well, for having the urges, for giving in to the urges, for studying persuasion in sui cases, for just not doing what I think I SHOULD be doing. I tried to relabel the should's but that is just not helping. I feel as if someone else is taking control of my mind. that the urges are from that other person. I felt joy playing my instruments, but I'm self destructive. And at this point I see a few things that I can do to help end the self-destructive behavior. 
The only issue is the fact that I've been choosing to engage on the behavior every week and a half, and need to get to the point where it's months between. But I'm scared to give up those behaviors. 

I'm having issues with sleep, and exercise is one way to help me to sleep. But the urges are hard to control the way I would like. I'm trying to get in music practice but..... and there are a million excuses. 

I'm self-destructive. and I don't know how to retrain my mind into positive patterns to end the self-destruction. I just don't know how. any ideas would be appreciated.


I'll be looking at this website more in the next few days.
http://throughthefire.net/si.html

Halloween

This morning I got up late.... and by late I mean 45 minutes before my second class. I just didn't want to get up. My alarm went off this morning at 6am but that didn't happen. I set several alarms, and right now I don't know what will get me out of bed. I know that I have things to do but, I'm not really wanting to do it.

Will positive reinforcement help??? Every time that I get up at the first alarm on a school day (without work) I will get to put $0.10 into a jar to by some sort of treat from a yogurt place. Ya that should work. We will see.

If I fail to get up like I did today, and feel like I need to be punished then $0.20 will be taken from the jar. If for some reason si happens then everything in the jar will be removed. If there is nothing to take from the jar then, 25 crunches will be done or until the thinking starts to change. If for some reason punishment is given then the amount to put put in the jar will decrease to $0.05 and decrease there after.

Homework....

I have a lot to do, and yet I don't want to.... Part of it could be the fact that on the last test I didn't do so well, and not to mention I'm very frustrated with not knowing how to do things. I'm learning lots of things but I just don't want to do anything at the moment. Which I know that is one of the things for me that makes college life very hard. I just hope I can find some strength to get it done.... here's for hoping...

Also on a side note, there is another page for this blog. The information on there will change and resources will be added as I have time to find them. So please be patient.

grrr (could trigger)

I heard about a suicide today of a classmate, and it's affected me. I didn't even know her, but I still see the effect on campus. It is a tragedy, but at the same time it made me see how people react to the news. I've thought about it a lot, and the thing is, it's a trigger for me. It's sad yes, but the crazy Ideas have come back. And that is something that I don't want to happen. I'm concerned, of course, that the crazy ideas have hit so hard, and the fact that I'm not sure how to "get away" from them. I've just thought about this for far to long, and it's getting on my nerves. I'm scared that eventually I'll turn to one of the ideas or really start hurting myself through si. And that's the thinking that has gotten me in trouble. And it's this black/white type thinking or the perfectionism, or self-destructive behaviors that creates the reason for thinking of such things. Its hard to get away from this type of thinking, and because of it, it brings fear of the unknown.

The "What Ifs" in life that get in the way, and for me they lead to the si or sui thinking/behaviors. Honestly Life is hard but its the what ifs that are getting me in situations that either I choose one thing over another. Logically this all makes sense but emotionally the What ifs are quite disturbing, and make it so that I just don't know how to handle them. Apparently I'm more emotional than I had thought. Then I want. I have things to learn, but with the emotions going through me so strongly it makes it extremely difficult to even want to learn Physics or Chemistry. At this point in time, I'm very scared, that what could be around the next corner could be very harmful emotionally. Like the test that I got back today, I'm not happy with my grade, or the fact that I could have had 2 more points had I chosen the right answer, but no he couldn't just give everyone 2 points, instead it's only those who answered it right. I'm frustrated, beyond believe. Not only with my grades but with all the emotions that are coming because of hearing about this tragedy. (Head hits desk)

Therapy Session day

Today I have a session, and I need to come up with what I want to talk about now. The hard part is I'm at a stalemate. I have added exercise (three times a week) and that seems to help. I also practiced my instrument for the first time in several months, and it felt good. But I'm worried, that I'll fall back in to the trap of some of the not so good things that I have done. I'm scared to try and face these not so good things. I've been told to address the inflexible thinking that I some times have, the thing is part of that way of thinking has saved me with a few things. I'm scared to change that, because I've already thought about cutting, and that's the one area that makes it very difficult. I've made the choose not to cut, but it's almost to tempting. I'm trying to deal with this on my own, but being told to many different things. First my doc doesn't think I can do this/doesn't know that I'm attempting this on my own. Two my therapist doesn't know how to help, and I don't know what to do exactly. Three between the meds and all other things that I'm doing just doesn't seem like it is enough.
      So what do I talk about with this session?? Do I do what my doc wants me to figure out?? Do I attempt to figure this out, on my own? Oh wait that's exactly what I'm doing. I have to figure it out first before I can tell another. If I can't figure it out then I'm at a stalemate with any other person because I can't figure it out. Yes some times it is easier to talk it out, but for me putting things into words is extremely difficult. It may not seem like it but some times posting takes quite a bit of time to figure out what to write about.

The question still remains, what do I talk about, What do I want help with to figure out additional ways to help myself? What do I need to change? Doc says the rigid thinking, and anything associated with the SUI and SI urges. I think that there is a lot more that meets the eye; the only issues is how much more. Maybe I should make a list of things I feel like I need to work on.

Usage of time adding to the addictions (to watching t.v., to the si behavior, to the sui thinking, to the fact of laziness)
SI, SUI behavior that is attached to the thinking
All or nothing thinking
Not wanting to change, but feeling like I have to
The thinking that I'm changing only enough to get a degree
Knowing that I want the degree more than anything else, and not being able to get it
Feeling like I have to do what others are doing around me

What's the most important one to work on.... their all important, but the degree issues are ones that are hard for me to deal with on my own. I feel as if I'm changing for the wrong reasons. I want the degree, and what stands in my way is the letters that I need to get the degree, and that requires change, which is not happening as fast as I want. I feel like I have to trick people in to writing the letters so I can move on, but that's not going to help the course I have to do. I have to do a lot to get the degree that I've worked so hard to get. I hate this. Not getting my degree is not an option. And yet it seems so far away.

Yes this is what I need to work on, and see if there are other things to do to not have so much guilt with this. I know the cause of this, I just have to convince myself to change for the RIGHT reason, and not just to get the letters and then deal with things later. and part of this is the all or nothing thinking. Either I do well, or not, there is no gray spots. I know the thinking is wrong, but I don't know how to become flexible with this, and this means life. I can do this, I can change, I can become flexible, I know who I was before all of these thoughts, and I know what to do to help the anxiety to lessen. I just don't know how to get the letters to move on. And that is where I start in a few hours. I start with the letters, and the need for them and hopefully I can get one of them written soon, but for the right reason.

Anxious

I feel like I am close to an anxiety attack, and I'm not sure I can control the anxiety. Then again I also feel as if I need to be punished for feeling anxious, depressed, not doing what I said I would do, for sleeping to much, for doing things I shouldn't be doing, for listening to my alter. Boy I haven't said my alter in a while, but I was trained by my pdoc to think of her as me, and now it doesn't seem like that anymore. It's not me, It's her. I just feel like I'm losing that control that I gained so long a go. (Or thought I did) It just doesn't seem like the relabeling is really what I should do know, because it's not me, I don't think I should be punished for sleeping to much, and she does. She really gets on my nerves. and I'm trying to block her access to my body, but it just doesn't seem like that will work anymore. And this is one of those things that you wish had never started, but the truth hurts, it started up again. This isn't me, and I know that, I just don't know how much longer I can keep her at bay, before she takes over and causes an anxiety attack, and makes it so I can't move. Some times I wish I could get rid of her, but right now, during classes, what do I do. I have 25 minutes before class starts, and I see more people, meaning I have 25 minutes to get this all out in hopes that it will help and I can regain every aspect of my mind. Needless to say I'm scared, and I keep looking around to see who's watching.... This all seems crazy looking back at it. Should I just try to relabel this all, or try and just let the storm go?? I'm a bit more afraid of letting things go, due to the fact that if someone in the professionals finds out, I could end up committed. Which is not what I want at all. I just want to have peace away from all of this turmoil. But it seems like I can't have that. How much longer can I hold on to reality, How much longer do I have before things get worse? How much longer do I have before someone finds out around me? Am I really paranoid?  Am I really thinking of it as an alter again? What can I do to not be trapped in my own mind again? Is this all just an Illusion of something I don't want that is being made up by me being in so much pain that it seems like this illusion is my only way of thinking about this? So many questions so little time.

Light = Music

I feel so alive right now.... I want to practice, but I have a test to study for. But I still took time out to practice even for 5 minutes. It felt sooo good. I want to play more but I need to study. I need to figure out how to add in the practice time. But I must study... and I will practice more tomorrow, starting with scales, etudes, and finally Solos. I'll start tomorrow. and I'll also work out too. I know I have the time. I just need to get up on time, and feel the need to live.

Time Management...

I need to work on time management, I'm not to good at it, but I know what I need to do, and just haven't really gotten to the point where I can get all done. I want to add two things to help with the stress management. The things I want to add is practicing my Clarinet, and exercising more. And still get all the studying in that I need.

How do I accomplish this?? Will a schedule help? If I structure my time, can I add in these things? Will I stick to this plan? Time will tell.

After....

So it's been a few days, and I'm still happy, and my thoughts are clean. And the difference is??? Getting stabilized on the med again. But I still have the anxiety being high. I guess that is what I need to try and address, and find something that works. The only question is do I try a different med, or do I try a different relaxation technique? Honestly I like trying different things better than meds, for more than one reason.

As far as the source of the anxiety, most likely its several things. Work, school, finances, pdocs, Psyc testing, and .... who knows what else... So how to deal with all this... not sure...

Ideas
Add more music practice
Add more exercise (3 times a week)
Add a stable work schedule, but then it's find a job stress
Add more therapy sessions.... oh wait with what time

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses. I have an excuse for about anything. Then what's my excuse for not adding something that could help.... I guess I don't have an excuse except for the time factor. But over the past week, I  think I have time to add something to help me with the anxiety level.

It's time to not make an excuse for helping my anxiety level.  

I finally feel like me... I want to play my instruments. I want to do well in school. I want to exercise. I want to not give in to addiction. But the only thing is that the addictions where a part of me for quite a while. The only question is what do I do if they return. With feeling like me again, I just hope that it stays this way.

I felt like cooking for the first time. I may be crazy but I feel like myself again. And I'm happy.

Hard week

I haven't posted much this week just because of all that has happened. It's been stressful, and it's time I admitted it. I have a test this week in Physics, and the best part about it, is the fact that I most likely got a higher score then the last. Which is exciting, and I know I worked hard, but at the same time somethings wrong. I can feel it. Even if I feel like there is something wrong, I know I can't give in to what ever it is. I know I have a stressful week ahead of me, due to working out of town, a Chemistry test, a Final Project Proposal, and a Statistics Lab. It should be interesting to see how well that I can do each. I don't doubt that things are hard, but they are all possible. I know my limits, I know what I can do, and I know a few things that should help. I.E. going back to playing my instruments, and getting time in for myself. I know I can do this. I'm determined to do so.

Clearer mind

It took causing pain to have a clearer mind, but not clear enough. I'm doing my best. But there seems to be other things going on. I was able to clear my mind for a few hours but I'm almost not sure that it will last. Since the thoughts lasted for more than a week, Will one time be enough to keep my head clear? And that's where I'm almost afraid that having the pain is the only way to keep a clear mind. Agg, I just hope I can think in the next few hours to do homework.

SCREAM

The title says it all. If only I could in real life. Then maybe things would be better.... if only

I tried playing an instrument that I used to enjoy... I don't enjoy it anymore.... What can I do more to help myself? To many questions not enough answers... or at least answers I like


And I have homework to do... I'm not getting much done right now.... my will to do it has left and gone out the window.

4 days later....

The last few days have been extremely hard for me. I've  been dealing with a lot, and not posting much. Due to the nature of all of the thinking, I have to be somewhat vague. Due to the fact that there is no restrictions on the blog. So I'll keep this PG, to the best of my abilities.
I've been dealing with so much, and have wanted to give up on all. I have written some stuff that.... I'll leave that up to the readers mind to determine. What is worse is when your pdoc starts talking about how he doesn't understand me at all, and the communication level decreases.... by ten fold. I want a new pdoc, and a new therapist. This combination is just not working. and is this all due to the medication increase?? Time will tell when I get back down and stable on the chemicals.

But then there's the issue of having to see the pdoc again in 9 days. I don't like him at all. For one he types WAY to much... like about 50% of the time, and the fact that I get lectures almost every time. I hate having to deal with him. Oh wait.... it seems like since the best pdoc that I started with, each one has been terrible, and the therapists have all gone to a stalemate and I'm not getting anywhere with anyone.


3....2....1... SCREAM!!!!!!



Oh and one more thing.... 4 days of a lot of hard times= mental exhaustion.  And that plus midterms = CRAZY

Need sleep, or falling asleep

I'm so tired right now but I have two labs today starting at 11am. All I want to do is sleep right now, and I know that is a symptom of depression, meaning its impacting my life. And I don't know what I can do without changing meds. Or am I just making excuses? It all comes back from the Yoda quote. "Do or Do Not, there is no try" I'm attempting to stay awake but some of the time not succeeding. But there is nothing I can do about that one.

Today though I need to make more progress with studies then I did yesterday. It's a priority to me, and it always has been. But lately everything has been affected. All I can hope for is to steadily improve, and try not to fall asleep. I thought music would help, but it hasn't yet. GRR. I need to study, but I'm not sure I really want to either. What more can I do?

Time to Get Priorities Straight

For the longest time I have not really wanted to improve my life, and since there is a stalemate in my treatment it's time to really start improving. And the first thing is to get my priorities straight, and to the point where I can actually want to improve my life.

In no particular order
Getting up on time, on the first alarm
Not watching so much media
Not being on the computer for as long, if not doing homework
Start and continue working out 3 times a week
Working on my talents

At this time I'm choosing to get up on time. The last three days I got up either 20 minutes before I had to leave the house, or 10 minutes before class starts. Both not good. I can remember times in high school where I would us an actual alarm and that seemed to work, which means no more phone alarm. Besides I ignore it way to much when it does go off.

Right now I"m scared to try this, I'm finding more excuses to not do this, and the excuses have to stop, I can't keep on this path of finding reasons not to do something. I need good reasons to do things, and to do them.

As Yoda Says,   "Do or Do Not. There is no try" And I'll add, Many excuses are there, but there's only one way to do. I will do that one first, and then add more in as I can.

Still Down....

I had the unfriendly realization that I'm still depressed. GRRR. I can tell because of addiction. I am addicted the the media entertainment (ie netflix, movies, t.v. shows) and at this point I don't know how to get away so that I can do the things I want but have little desire to do because I'm so down. It's kind of like the double edged sword, if I don't change than I could be risking being suicidal, and if I do change then I could risk the fact that the addictions could be getting worse. Needless to say I'm confused. I don't know what I want, and I know part of it is the depression symptoms getting worse, without my knowledge. What do I do to stay strong, to stay happy?

I think I have found out what I want to talk about today with my counseling session. It scares me to give up something so big, and not know how to replace that time. But it's not only media, its the internet, facebook, and online gaming. That's why it scares me so much, is it's become a big part of me, and I don't know how to replace it.

But I must get back to studying for my Stats Test tomorrow. I must study, and be less distracted.... I hope.

Double Edged Sword

I've had to take control over my meds, and well instead of sui, si, and the flashes, I get anxiety. But what's worse, anxiety or sui thoughts?? I'd take the constant anxiety over the sui. Sui thoughts take a lot out of you, and I was getting to close to have to go back to the mental hospital, and I just can't afford it. (either with money, or with time away from school. I'm taking some hard classes, and honestly I"m not getting everything. This weekend I broke down because of all the sui thoughts, I just can't take school right now and those thoughts. But what more can I do, but to back of on the meds, and then just talk with the doc about it later. The only question is what do I do until I can see him??? I've got homework to distract myself but, it's just not enough. Distractions don't help, the thoughts and images still come. Even as I'm typing this. I am quite scared right now, I'm scared to be alone right now, or drive. and yet at the same time, I don't want help.

My life seems to be like a double edged sword. Either I deal with all of the thoughts and feelings or I don't. Either way, its still hard. I haven't been in this position in several months, and I was okay with the feelings disappearing. I just hate the fact that they have reappeared, and dealing with them and school, is very difficult. I need help, I need someone to really talk to. I need to stop lying about how I'm really doing. I lie every time someone asks me "How are you?" And I say fine, or good, but other than that, I never say how I really am doing. For once I want to tell the truth, For once I want to be just fine, and not having to deal with these thoughts.

I've got to find myself, and find a better way to handle these thoughts, Is there such a way? Is there something I can do to help myself? Is there some sort of action that could help? Is there anything that I can do to ease the thoughts, without the pain?

I don't know what to do, except ignore the thoughts, or totally embrace them and hurt because of them. But I do have a lot to do today, but I just don't want to even try anymore. I'm almost to the point of giving up. Is there anyone out there that can help? I guess I'm getting way to close to the dark side. and I'm scared.

Testing....

After my last class I have some Psychological Testing done... and I honestly don't have a brain for it today. Nor the energy. I'm just trying to get through the day, and get through classes. I honestly haven't gotten to much sleep, which makes things worse. I'm attempting to study, but I"m so distracted by my mind.

But since all I can do is get to work, no matter how much my head is of a distraction. For tonight I need to read Physics, and work on the problems, also work on Chem to get some of it learned (relearned is more like it) 

I hate how much I haven't done to help heal.... If I only had more time. Oh well got class in 20 minutes.

Head FOG

My head feels sooo cloudy tonight. I've been trying to learn chemistry without going to class. and I'm not doing well. But what's worse is the fact that the sui thoughts have increased. I hate this, I hate not being able to work around all of the thoughts, and being unmotivated doesn't help either. I guess I've given up tonight, and I'll try again in 5.5 hours. For now all I can do is sleep for a portion of the time, and see if I can bring myself back out of the fog.

Where's my Lighthouse?? I could really use some light to see to the future. A real light to get me through the fog. Not to mention to help get me through my classes. Oh well, I'll try again tomorrow, and find some way to get the work done, even if I don't feel motivated.

Is there hope??

I ask this question for one reason. To ask myself If I've chosen to give up hope. Hope of finding the right combination of meds. I've been on at least a dozen, and I really don't want to be on/try new once, but I feel like giving up on the meds. Since the meds have caused other side effects that I can't tolerate. Not to mention the fact that I had a CT done to make sure it wasn't something else. But of course it's normal, except I don't feel normal. Oh the frustrations. Not to mention will my doc be available. Since he is not in on Fridays. The most ridicules day for a doc not to be in. When last time it took a week and a half to get in. I don't think I can wait a week, let alone the weekend. It's Thursday, and I have labs today for 6 hours, and during his 7 hour window, and I doubt that he has an opening when he opens. I really don't know how much more of this I can take.

Must find another option for meds.... Must remain as strong as I can... Must study and keep my mind busy... if that's possible. Please let it be possible. PLEASE.

GRRRRR.... meds

This is one of the days that I hate taking meds. When they mess with your digestive tract. The pain that I've had physically is not only just that, but mental anguish. I've dealt with a lot before, but this is getting to be to much to handle. It's time to change meds again, or do something different that will help more. Feeling like this does not help, when your a college student. I need a game plan.....

mmm what can I do to help me heal. Try drinking a lot of water. Add more fruits and vegs.

Mentally though, that will be harder, since it seems like I've been on most of the meds. I just hope that I'll have a clearer head in the morning for my labs.

I must... sleep well tonight.... get in with doc.... and the bigger thing, draw what's in my head. I just hope it helps.

Pain

Having not only mental pain, but physical pain. I need to study, but the pain is getting too bad. I will be getting it looked at, but still I feel like I need to just let the pain go. The pain is becoming a substitute for si, which is good, but also really bad, I could be letting something go, that could be life-threatening. But at the same time my thoughts go a different direction, and I don't like that direction. Yes, I have not gotten much sleep, and the sleep that I get, is not good, but still my thoughts are interrupting my ability to think about the studies that I need to learn. If only I had more time in the day. Sure I got back before I thought that I would but, spending time at the doc's office is not what I wanted. At the same time I need to feel good to do well in school.

If only there was enough hours in the day to work, study, and heal myself. I want to do so much more and yet I don't get to, I need to set it as a priority, but I just don't have the strength right now to get the things done that I need to. I hate having only 24 hours in a day, I want to have more. But the universe does not work that way. Guess  I'll have to make time for all that I need to do.

After a long week, I mean day

And when I say long I mean a 12 hour day. and like no time for a nap, except that hour traveling back home. But besides that, I've had to try and control my thoughts even more. When things get like this, things happen. Oh wait, some already have. I had to take something for a test, and it had a different effect.... I've experienced things that usually happen during an anxiety attack. I hate when this happens. And now time for dinner.

Chem Test DONE :)

I'm glad to report that I got my test done and only had one problem that I completely forgot on... not sure if I got it or not. And may have gotten a few others wrong, but I'll get the grade later, and learn from it then. For now, I'm taking a slight break to deal with some issues. For today, it seems like I was a bit more stressed about my classes in the past week, and may be blowing a few things out of proportion. The best thing for me to do about that is to remember the end goal, to gain a good education to move on to medical school. I'm trying to learn as much as I can and to remember what I have learned for the MCAT. I just hope that all goes well.

In order to be prepared for the MCAT, I have to really learn my classes. And I want to learn them, it just seems like my mind is the thing that is sort of stopping me. And that I want to deal with. In just the last 3-4 hours I've had thoughts go through my head that are absolutely terrible. The type of thoughts that the Pros. would want me to talk about and judge me if I am safe. But I can honestly say I am safe. I am going to do work out later today, to get my mind to just let go of all of the thoughts and see if the good pain of working out will help to ease some of the thoughts. But before then, I have to try and put up a front, or do I want to with the Psychological testing that I have later today. If I don't put up a front then I could have it be in the Evaluation and it may help get extra help for my classes, If I do put up a front then,  the Illusion of the evaluation comes into play. I really don't now what to do, but for now, I'll go to my last two classes of the day, have lunch, and get some studying in. After the appointment I will go to the gym and work out. I just hope it will help so that I can figure out Physics and write my essays that are due next week. But like my Chem Professor says, I have to keep "my head in the Game." (High School Musical, Disney) And I better use that same thing with trying to get my mind in a different place, one where I wont have to hide my thoughts from the rest of the world.

For things really are not that way, Hiding leads to trouble, and trouble leads to places I would rather not go again.

Sleep... so needed

I never realized how much sleep helps. I wanted to get up at 5:30 am but ended up being way to tired and got up at 7am. Which doesn't seem like much but that extra time was so needed. Besides that, I'm still struggling to handle everything. In fact I need to be studying right now for my test, but had to get a few things out.

I really hate when I can't get some therapy issues worked on due to all that I have to do for school. And to learn for the future. But when my mind is distracted with thoughts that I despise then, it makes it harder to figure the problems out. I feel so behind in almost every aspect of life. The hold on my A.S. Degree can now be lifted once I get in some of the paperwork. I've waited a year, and I'm not messing up my chance of that happening. Even if it means having to hide the more serious feelings that would stick out. I know it's not good, and I don not recommend it. Please DON'T hide like I am.

On another note. I really need to stay focused today, and my day is going to begin in just a few minutes. But I also need to figure out what things to do today that will help.

To help myself today I will:
Go to the gym and work out for at least 20 minutes.
Study for my Chem Test
Get the graphs done for Chem lab
Hopefully start the essays that I have due on Wednesday
Have some fun tonight at the dance.

That's all for now, I just hope I do well on my test, and that I can get some time in for therapy stuff. Wish me luck, I might just need it.

Healing vs School work

This is one dilemma that I hate, Do you put priority on Healing or your studies??? that is the ultimate choice. And I don't have the answer.

For tonight, the main thing is to get out all that I'm feeling before studying tomorrow morning. Sadly I will get up early once again to prepare for a test. As for tonight, I'll try to get all that I can get out. Through out the week, I've had thoughts and flashes that I don't want, and which are very disturbing. I hate the thoughts but I have to deal with them and handle them. Only the handling part is not quite working. I have not had the time to put into the healing process, and what's worse is the fact that if my mind is not in a good place, then not being able to focus. Kind of like this post. It's not what I wanted in the order I wanted, but well, not quite going to work. Anyway, I'm tired, and want to sleep, and relax a bit tonight. I just hope that relaxing will happen. I hope?!

Will to study.

All day I have had issues trying to get to my studies, but it's not working. I honestly have been here before, the place where when the meds get increased and it seems like there are issues. Some of my sui and si thoughts are high, it makes doing other things extremely difficult. I wanted to start studying as soon as I go home from the Library, but that didn't happen. And then I find topics in shows that don't help. Why do I keep watching them? I don't know.

Now the day is mostly gone and I haven't gotten much done with my studies, and don't want to get to the work. When things are like this, it's hard to do much. Yes, I'm done right now, and I know it. I also know that I have to try something to see what I can do to help, but I also don't want to help myself.

Reasons why I'm posting, well I'm trying not to go completely nuts, I don't want people to tell that things are bad. Since I got really good at making myself look like I'm doing just fine, when I'm not. Which is also never a good thing either, but hey at least I know about it. And at least I know one thing that could help, but I don't want to admit what I could be doing. Besides, I know someone could knock at my door any minute to fix the disposal. And I don't want them to find me in a really bad position. And yet feeling something else would be extremely helpful. Since focusing is very hard, maybe this the only way out. At the same time, I know it's not what I really want, or what could help.GRR

Anxious...grr

I haven't really spoken up yet about what's going on, I haven't even told anyone. I can feel the anxiety slowly increase. I've seen to much in the last few days of what could happen if I loose it. And it doesn't look good. I'm scared, of all the negativity, of all the mind tricks, of all the flashes, of all the lies. I lie to every person about how I'm doing, but it also seems like not many want to know what really is going on. I want to tell the truth but it's hard. I also want things I can't really have, or should have. My mind is the problem, that creates the lying environment.  Who could handle the truth around me.... I have no idea of who I could trust enough to tell the truth.

Study....

I've been trying to study for my classes, but my mind is one other things. Like how much work that I have, and the lack of work in the mental department. I want to heal, but the simple fact that, I'm not understanding Physics and Chemistry, I have way to much reading to do for one class, and I didn't get the grade I wanted for my Statistics class. I just feel like I'm Failing, in all that I do. And failing in the healing my mind.

Time is the real issue. I feel like my mind is stopping me from doing the things I really want to do, to learn all I can. But at the same time, I need to put a face to the one person who has been there trying to get me to do things I don't want to do. I'm trying to ignore these feelings, but there comes a time when things get hard, and the only thing I can do is to try to distract myself. At this point in time, it's not working for me. I know what I need to get done to pass my classes, but my mind wants to be in a different place, and a different time. It's very hard when things are like this, and I have classes.

If only, I could stop my thought process and just focus on my studies. But maybe I can.... I wonder if I just completely put myself into a peaceful setting, one that's safe, that it would help the most, to put my mind in a different state, so I could study....

The only question is what's peaceful and safe. And how many times will it take, I guess I will try a few and see if they work. All I can do is test the theory, and see if I get further with my studies.

All I have to say is....

Here's the deal. I've spent so much time on school work and less time on me.... well that's a good thing but also not so good. Reasoning: If I truly want to find a way to heal myself, then I have to put in the time.... but my studies are also important.

And having a mind that is cloudy doesn't help. (much like outside my window) Needless to say, I'm frustrated with two of my subjects, and I'm not getting all of the work done. I have like 4 problems left on one assignment and I just don't know how to do them... Guess I will have to move on, and study for my test that is in 2.5 hours. Wish me good luck, I'm going to need it with the way my mind is right now.

Still Thinking...

My mind keeps staying on the fact that I could heal myself, by just working hard at it. Except there is one slight problem..... the time factor. I'm a college student trying to learn Physics and Chemistry, not to mention other classes, and trying to get my degree from another university.

I also recently had an increase in medication, and its put my head into a fog, and I feel like it's going to make things incredibly hard with my studies. Not to mention, I feel like I have to figure out how to heal all at the same time.... How is this going to work?

Coming up with a plan

Is healing possible without a counselor??? That's what we are hear to find out. Today is planning day, as to what I need to do. I've been told that I'm Smart enough to figure this out.... with that being said, I'm just scared to get started, but If I really want to heal and be able to get my life back.

Here's the plan, which I will stick to, and report back. In no particular order
Exercise using the Gym on campus at least twice a week.
Breath at night, with long deep breaths before going to bed, Yoga if needed.
Drawing the person that is Hillary (someone from my mind)
Find any connections between the loud noises and the anxiety.
And of course blog/write things out.

 I will keep everyone posted as to how it works out, and what progress I'm making. This could get interesting, there must be a way to heal, without a counselor.

***** Please note that doing this alone is not for everyone!!!! Do NOT try this out, first. GO see a certified counselor, for help.