grrr (could trigger)

I heard about a suicide today of a classmate, and it's affected me. I didn't even know her, but I still see the effect on campus. It is a tragedy, but at the same time it made me see how people react to the news. I've thought about it a lot, and the thing is, it's a trigger for me. It's sad yes, but the crazy Ideas have come back. And that is something that I don't want to happen. I'm concerned, of course, that the crazy ideas have hit so hard, and the fact that I'm not sure how to "get away" from them. I've just thought about this for far to long, and it's getting on my nerves. I'm scared that eventually I'll turn to one of the ideas or really start hurting myself through si. And that's the thinking that has gotten me in trouble. And it's this black/white type thinking or the perfectionism, or self-destructive behaviors that creates the reason for thinking of such things. Its hard to get away from this type of thinking, and because of it, it brings fear of the unknown.

The "What Ifs" in life that get in the way, and for me they lead to the si or sui thinking/behaviors. Honestly Life is hard but its the what ifs that are getting me in situations that either I choose one thing over another. Logically this all makes sense but emotionally the What ifs are quite disturbing, and make it so that I just don't know how to handle them. Apparently I'm more emotional than I had thought. Then I want. I have things to learn, but with the emotions going through me so strongly it makes it extremely difficult to even want to learn Physics or Chemistry. At this point in time, I'm very scared, that what could be around the next corner could be very harmful emotionally. Like the test that I got back today, I'm not happy with my grade, or the fact that I could have had 2 more points had I chosen the right answer, but no he couldn't just give everyone 2 points, instead it's only those who answered it right. I'm frustrated, beyond believe. Not only with my grades but with all the emotions that are coming because of hearing about this tragedy. (Head hits desk)