Testing....

After my last class I have some Psychological Testing done... and I honestly don't have a brain for it today. Nor the energy. I'm just trying to get through the day, and get through classes. I honestly haven't gotten to much sleep, which makes things worse. I'm attempting to study, but I"m so distracted by my mind.

But since all I can do is get to work, no matter how much my head is of a distraction. For tonight I need to read Physics, and work on the problems, also work on Chem to get some of it learned (relearned is more like it) 

I hate how much I haven't done to help heal.... If I only had more time. Oh well got class in 20 minutes.

Head FOG

My head feels sooo cloudy tonight. I've been trying to learn chemistry without going to class. and I'm not doing well. But what's worse is the fact that the sui thoughts have increased. I hate this, I hate not being able to work around all of the thoughts, and being unmotivated doesn't help either. I guess I've given up tonight, and I'll try again in 5.5 hours. For now all I can do is sleep for a portion of the time, and see if I can bring myself back out of the fog.

Where's my Lighthouse?? I could really use some light to see to the future. A real light to get me through the fog. Not to mention to help get me through my classes. Oh well, I'll try again tomorrow, and find some way to get the work done, even if I don't feel motivated.

Is there hope??

I ask this question for one reason. To ask myself If I've chosen to give up hope. Hope of finding the right combination of meds. I've been on at least a dozen, and I really don't want to be on/try new once, but I feel like giving up on the meds. Since the meds have caused other side effects that I can't tolerate. Not to mention the fact that I had a CT done to make sure it wasn't something else. But of course it's normal, except I don't feel normal. Oh the frustrations. Not to mention will my doc be available. Since he is not in on Fridays. The most ridicules day for a doc not to be in. When last time it took a week and a half to get in. I don't think I can wait a week, let alone the weekend. It's Thursday, and I have labs today for 6 hours, and during his 7 hour window, and I doubt that he has an opening when he opens. I really don't know how much more of this I can take.

Must find another option for meds.... Must remain as strong as I can... Must study and keep my mind busy... if that's possible. Please let it be possible. PLEASE.

GRRRRR.... meds

This is one of the days that I hate taking meds. When they mess with your digestive tract. The pain that I've had physically is not only just that, but mental anguish. I've dealt with a lot before, but this is getting to be to much to handle. It's time to change meds again, or do something different that will help more. Feeling like this does not help, when your a college student. I need a game plan.....

mmm what can I do to help me heal. Try drinking a lot of water. Add more fruits and vegs.

Mentally though, that will be harder, since it seems like I've been on most of the meds. I just hope that I'll have a clearer head in the morning for my labs.

I must... sleep well tonight.... get in with doc.... and the bigger thing, draw what's in my head. I just hope it helps.

Pain

Having not only mental pain, but physical pain. I need to study, but the pain is getting too bad. I will be getting it looked at, but still I feel like I need to just let the pain go. The pain is becoming a substitute for si, which is good, but also really bad, I could be letting something go, that could be life-threatening. But at the same time my thoughts go a different direction, and I don't like that direction. Yes, I have not gotten much sleep, and the sleep that I get, is not good, but still my thoughts are interrupting my ability to think about the studies that I need to learn. If only I had more time in the day. Sure I got back before I thought that I would but, spending time at the doc's office is not what I wanted. At the same time I need to feel good to do well in school.

If only there was enough hours in the day to work, study, and heal myself. I want to do so much more and yet I don't get to, I need to set it as a priority, but I just don't have the strength right now to get the things done that I need to. I hate having only 24 hours in a day, I want to have more. But the universe does not work that way. Guess  I'll have to make time for all that I need to do.

After a long week, I mean day

And when I say long I mean a 12 hour day. and like no time for a nap, except that hour traveling back home. But besides that, I've had to try and control my thoughts even more. When things get like this, things happen. Oh wait, some already have. I had to take something for a test, and it had a different effect.... I've experienced things that usually happen during an anxiety attack. I hate when this happens. And now time for dinner.

Chem Test DONE :)

I'm glad to report that I got my test done and only had one problem that I completely forgot on... not sure if I got it or not. And may have gotten a few others wrong, but I'll get the grade later, and learn from it then. For now, I'm taking a slight break to deal with some issues. For today, it seems like I was a bit more stressed about my classes in the past week, and may be blowing a few things out of proportion. The best thing for me to do about that is to remember the end goal, to gain a good education to move on to medical school. I'm trying to learn as much as I can and to remember what I have learned for the MCAT. I just hope that all goes well.

In order to be prepared for the MCAT, I have to really learn my classes. And I want to learn them, it just seems like my mind is the thing that is sort of stopping me. And that I want to deal with. In just the last 3-4 hours I've had thoughts go through my head that are absolutely terrible. The type of thoughts that the Pros. would want me to talk about and judge me if I am safe. But I can honestly say I am safe. I am going to do work out later today, to get my mind to just let go of all of the thoughts and see if the good pain of working out will help to ease some of the thoughts. But before then, I have to try and put up a front, or do I want to with the Psychological testing that I have later today. If I don't put up a front then I could have it be in the Evaluation and it may help get extra help for my classes, If I do put up a front then,  the Illusion of the evaluation comes into play. I really don't now what to do, but for now, I'll go to my last two classes of the day, have lunch, and get some studying in. After the appointment I will go to the gym and work out. I just hope it will help so that I can figure out Physics and write my essays that are due next week. But like my Chem Professor says, I have to keep "my head in the Game." (High School Musical, Disney) And I better use that same thing with trying to get my mind in a different place, one where I wont have to hide my thoughts from the rest of the world.

For things really are not that way, Hiding leads to trouble, and trouble leads to places I would rather not go again.

Sleep... so needed

I never realized how much sleep helps. I wanted to get up at 5:30 am but ended up being way to tired and got up at 7am. Which doesn't seem like much but that extra time was so needed. Besides that, I'm still struggling to handle everything. In fact I need to be studying right now for my test, but had to get a few things out.

I really hate when I can't get some therapy issues worked on due to all that I have to do for school. And to learn for the future. But when my mind is distracted with thoughts that I despise then, it makes it harder to figure the problems out. I feel so behind in almost every aspect of life. The hold on my A.S. Degree can now be lifted once I get in some of the paperwork. I've waited a year, and I'm not messing up my chance of that happening. Even if it means having to hide the more serious feelings that would stick out. I know it's not good, and I don not recommend it. Please DON'T hide like I am.

On another note. I really need to stay focused today, and my day is going to begin in just a few minutes. But I also need to figure out what things to do today that will help.

To help myself today I will:
Go to the gym and work out for at least 20 minutes.
Study for my Chem Test
Get the graphs done for Chem lab
Hopefully start the essays that I have due on Wednesday
Have some fun tonight at the dance.

That's all for now, I just hope I do well on my test, and that I can get some time in for therapy stuff. Wish me luck, I might just need it.

Healing vs School work

This is one dilemma that I hate, Do you put priority on Healing or your studies??? that is the ultimate choice. And I don't have the answer.

For tonight, the main thing is to get out all that I'm feeling before studying tomorrow morning. Sadly I will get up early once again to prepare for a test. As for tonight, I'll try to get all that I can get out. Through out the week, I've had thoughts and flashes that I don't want, and which are very disturbing. I hate the thoughts but I have to deal with them and handle them. Only the handling part is not quite working. I have not had the time to put into the healing process, and what's worse is the fact that if my mind is not in a good place, then not being able to focus. Kind of like this post. It's not what I wanted in the order I wanted, but well, not quite going to work. Anyway, I'm tired, and want to sleep, and relax a bit tonight. I just hope that relaxing will happen. I hope?!

Will to study.

All day I have had issues trying to get to my studies, but it's not working. I honestly have been here before, the place where when the meds get increased and it seems like there are issues. Some of my sui and si thoughts are high, it makes doing other things extremely difficult. I wanted to start studying as soon as I go home from the Library, but that didn't happen. And then I find topics in shows that don't help. Why do I keep watching them? I don't know.

Now the day is mostly gone and I haven't gotten much done with my studies, and don't want to get to the work. When things are like this, it's hard to do much. Yes, I'm done right now, and I know it. I also know that I have to try something to see what I can do to help, but I also don't want to help myself.

Reasons why I'm posting, well I'm trying not to go completely nuts, I don't want people to tell that things are bad. Since I got really good at making myself look like I'm doing just fine, when I'm not. Which is also never a good thing either, but hey at least I know about it. And at least I know one thing that could help, but I don't want to admit what I could be doing. Besides, I know someone could knock at my door any minute to fix the disposal. And I don't want them to find me in a really bad position. And yet feeling something else would be extremely helpful. Since focusing is very hard, maybe this the only way out. At the same time, I know it's not what I really want, or what could help.GRR

Anxious...grr

I haven't really spoken up yet about what's going on, I haven't even told anyone. I can feel the anxiety slowly increase. I've seen to much in the last few days of what could happen if I loose it. And it doesn't look good. I'm scared, of all the negativity, of all the mind tricks, of all the flashes, of all the lies. I lie to every person about how I'm doing, but it also seems like not many want to know what really is going on. I want to tell the truth but it's hard. I also want things I can't really have, or should have. My mind is the problem, that creates the lying environment.  Who could handle the truth around me.... I have no idea of who I could trust enough to tell the truth.

Study....

I've been trying to study for my classes, but my mind is one other things. Like how much work that I have, and the lack of work in the mental department. I want to heal, but the simple fact that, I'm not understanding Physics and Chemistry, I have way to much reading to do for one class, and I didn't get the grade I wanted for my Statistics class. I just feel like I'm Failing, in all that I do. And failing in the healing my mind.

Time is the real issue. I feel like my mind is stopping me from doing the things I really want to do, to learn all I can. But at the same time, I need to put a face to the one person who has been there trying to get me to do things I don't want to do. I'm trying to ignore these feelings, but there comes a time when things get hard, and the only thing I can do is to try to distract myself. At this point in time, it's not working for me. I know what I need to get done to pass my classes, but my mind wants to be in a different place, and a different time. It's very hard when things are like this, and I have classes.

If only, I could stop my thought process and just focus on my studies. But maybe I can.... I wonder if I just completely put myself into a peaceful setting, one that's safe, that it would help the most, to put my mind in a different state, so I could study....

The only question is what's peaceful and safe. And how many times will it take, I guess I will try a few and see if they work. All I can do is test the theory, and see if I get further with my studies.

All I have to say is....

Here's the deal. I've spent so much time on school work and less time on me.... well that's a good thing but also not so good. Reasoning: If I truly want to find a way to heal myself, then I have to put in the time.... but my studies are also important.

And having a mind that is cloudy doesn't help. (much like outside my window) Needless to say, I'm frustrated with two of my subjects, and I'm not getting all of the work done. I have like 4 problems left on one assignment and I just don't know how to do them... Guess I will have to move on, and study for my test that is in 2.5 hours. Wish me good luck, I'm going to need it with the way my mind is right now.

Still Thinking...

My mind keeps staying on the fact that I could heal myself, by just working hard at it. Except there is one slight problem..... the time factor. I'm a college student trying to learn Physics and Chemistry, not to mention other classes, and trying to get my degree from another university.

I also recently had an increase in medication, and its put my head into a fog, and I feel like it's going to make things incredibly hard with my studies. Not to mention, I feel like I have to figure out how to heal all at the same time.... How is this going to work?

Coming up with a plan

Is healing possible without a counselor??? That's what we are hear to find out. Today is planning day, as to what I need to do. I've been told that I'm Smart enough to figure this out.... with that being said, I'm just scared to get started, but If I really want to heal and be able to get my life back.

Here's the plan, which I will stick to, and report back. In no particular order
Exercise using the Gym on campus at least twice a week.
Breath at night, with long deep breaths before going to bed, Yoga if needed.
Drawing the person that is Hillary (someone from my mind)
Find any connections between the loud noises and the anxiety.
And of course blog/write things out.

 I will keep everyone posted as to how it works out, and what progress I'm making. This could get interesting, there must be a way to heal, without a counselor.

***** Please note that doing this alone is not for everyone!!!! Do NOT try this out, first. GO see a certified counselor, for help.