Today was very hard... and what saved me was counting backwards from 100 by 3. Hard to do, but it's what grounded me. I was in a meeting today, and started to notice myself slipping in to my head, I guess that's how to explain it. While I was in my head, I was having a fight with my Hillary, and needless to say, it didn't go very well. I was starting to panic and slip into an anxiety attack (started to notice shaking and just weakness), and that's when I used the counting backwards, well first of all it was forward, and when that didn't work then I went backwards by 9, and then 3, since 3 was easier to think through.
Afterwards the meeting was starting to end, I was starting to come out of it, but very, very slowly. I was able to stand and respond to people (to a point) but then was in and out of reality. It took writing to get me out of it completely.
Now as I sit here writing this, it brings up fear, and the fight that was transpiring as that happened just a few hours earlier. I feel like I'm falling harder this time, and I don't know this all just feels weird.... What part of me wants, just doesn't work for the other part. If that makes any sense.
I'm scared that this will happen again and I'll start to do something, without being aware of the pain, and then all will end.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Trapped
There's still a few people out there that read this blog, and thank you for reading. I just hope it helps someone out there.
Anyway, I keep trying to get myself to do things, but there's a cloud above me, that makes it feel like I'm being trapped, Like Fog. I just can't seem to get up and do something more than surfing the net and watching TV. I did do one thing for me today, went out and bought 2 shirts. It was fun trying on things, but at the same time, it was used as a distraction from suicidal thinking. I have this continual problem of thinking, and obsessing over how to commit suicide, and judging whether or not it would work. Which leads me to doing nothing. These thoughts upset me, and I feel like I can't stop the thoughts, because it seems like they are being controlled by a super ego, instead of the combination of id, ego, and super ego. Now that I'm writing this, it seems like I'm more than just a little trapped, more like caught in a fire, with no way out. (It is fire season for the US) No matter what I do, I don't know how to run from these obsessive thoughts, and to really be free of them.
There's so much more I want to say, but feeling trapped leads to keeping quiet. Maybe music will help... Of to try and practice for awhile.
Anyway, I keep trying to get myself to do things, but there's a cloud above me, that makes it feel like I'm being trapped, Like Fog. I just can't seem to get up and do something more than surfing the net and watching TV. I did do one thing for me today, went out and bought 2 shirts. It was fun trying on things, but at the same time, it was used as a distraction from suicidal thinking. I have this continual problem of thinking, and obsessing over how to commit suicide, and judging whether or not it would work. Which leads me to doing nothing. These thoughts upset me, and I feel like I can't stop the thoughts, because it seems like they are being controlled by a super ego, instead of the combination of id, ego, and super ego. Now that I'm writing this, it seems like I'm more than just a little trapped, more like caught in a fire, with no way out. (It is fire season for the US) No matter what I do, I don't know how to run from these obsessive thoughts, and to really be free of them.
There's so much more I want to say, but feeling trapped leads to keeping quiet. Maybe music will help... Of to try and practice for awhile.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)