Mastering Awareness

Awareness of the problem is the first step to changing your agreements, according to Don Miguel Ruiz. (Not a direct quote from his books just a general description)I started a path to awareness and now I'm not sure if I want to continue or not... It deals with mastering awareness of the Book of Law. When he said that it would take a year I wondered if I had that much time to practice this awareness. I'm Already living by some of the agreements, so why is the book of Law so important. Then I thought it is a starting ground to judge how far I have come.... but then I'm making assumptions again. I started on this path because of my therapist suggesting that I read the Four Agreements. Now I have taken on a study of the work, I have read the book several times now and get something new out of it each time I read it, but what is stopping me from creating a book of law? Is it fear? Or is it something else?

More Books... where do I start??

Sure just pick one book.... and how exactly do I do that when the books look so good.... I see the stack and I eye them, wondering which one to start with. That's my dilemma today. I just don't know which one will be exciting enough to start reading....therefore I start to write hoping that this will help my indecision. I am in two different classes and I need to spend time with the material but I just don't feel like reading, so I sit down and type hoping that this would help me make a decision. So far it's just left me with questions. Then I get on and look at motivational quotes... to see if that would help me decide but I'm having the same issue right now that a client has, the indecision of choice. Although I know that I have the time off and away from him things keep happening that I take on their behavior.... and it's starting to annoy me. I need to be my own person, but who is that person really??

I'm wondering a core issue, who am I?? Where am I going?? What the heck am I doing with my time?

I know I'm not alone in this quest but, right now I feel alone. The motivational quotes say just to do it, and I guess their right but where do I begin?? People say to just begin but what if I don't feel like it... what if I don't know? Well, I'm here to find out...

WHAT HAVE I DONE?????

I finally confessed to the addiction and how serious it got with a trusted friend. Now I'm saying what was I thinking??? What have I done? Will this ruin my family life, or can I continue to hide from them?? This particular addiction is one of secrets, like most addictions but at the same time, it's not well understood either. I think we have some things wrong with how society works today. And I'm calling it B.S.!!!! We used to have this society that we all worked and we all had a purpose. Now we all search for our purpose in life. At least in Developed Countries!! It has come down to this, we as a people are not as busy as we need to be to stay away form addictive patterns.

As Say Something is playing.....I have to speak out, we have to change our people will give up on themselves!!!!!!!

"I will swallow my pride, Your the one that I love, and I'm saying Good Bye!!!!"

Good bye old life of addiction. I can't deal with you anymore. I have to put some clear boundaries up. I have to be the strong one!!

The next question, is am I determined enough???

Now the ramifications... I could be disciplined for these choices, and that could look like anything, and frankly I'm FREAKING OUT!!!! Once I left the office I had to calm down, from thinking, what the heck did I do?? It took me a bit but then I was able to drive home. Then came time for something I believe I should have been too... and I couldn't go. I had to make up an excuse of not having enough gas money. Which is totally TRUE!!! So I started to write this out, hoping that it would get the words out, enough for me to move on and continue with something that is exciting, like was suggested. I'm trying to do something creative as well but I just don't want to. I don't want to do this, and it's starting to scare me. What did I do?? Was this the right decision?????

Addiction

Over the last few months I have gotten in to an addictive pattern..... and have been non-existing. With this in mine I have to start to readjust to life. But how?? That's where I turn to others and was given an assignment on Self-Image. I have spent the week trying to ignore it but I can't ignore it any longer. There has been things happening that have lead me to saying, I am an addict, and I know I have a problem. I feel bad and unworthy when.... that'st the thing, I don't feel bad. How can I write on this if it's not how I feel right now. I do on the other hand feel unworthy of love and life. I feel like I can't be loved, or the fact that I'm not worthy to live. I feel that I can't go on and don't want to deal with life... yet that's how some people feel. so I feel bad and unworthy when I give into my body. Even writing this is hard, but it has to be done. I can't keep living like this anymore.I can't keep being on particular websites because it is dangerous to my emotional health... not to mention my physical health.   I cover up my feelings by engaging in sexual activity and self harm to cover up the need to be perfect and to feel clean again. I don't feel clean at all, after all that I have done. I don't feel like I can go back to what I was. I generally feel best about myself when I  am perfect and can deal with lots of stress. Next I move on to what I am certain of, no one will love me for who I am so I must hide my true self. This is true for me because if my family knew who I was then they would reject me and kick me out of the family. I can't bear the thought of their disappointment in me and in what I used to stand for. But am I writing this for what reason????

I feel like my needs are not being met, and that I have very strong sexual desires. I want to be able to use my body as I please but within reason.

Giving up addiction

I've had a lot of challenges lately and I feel lost and alone. I have become complacent in life and it has ended in my addiction. There is more coming this week that scares me. Many conversations to have and wondering what will be the best for me. I'm listening to many people talking and I know that it is helping me to become better.

Am I totally committed to life or am I just passive?

Love so Fully and Dailies

Today, I love so fully, I don't notice anything else.

Continuing on my path to less fear I start today with a quote from, A Year Without Fear by Tama Kieves. In days like today, I need this reminder to live and love fully. Over the past 2 months I have been in an addictive pattern. It has been hard but it is also fueled by the chains of my past. Today I step out of the darkness and into the light. Today, finally, I can say that I am an addict seeking recovery. The last two months have been full of addictive nature and it has ruled my life. Now I seek to dig my way out of that path and start a new path.

On the day before it says this.
Today, I do not seek support from those who do not understand my journey.
This is perfect for today. I'm not seeking support her, but I do seek my own level of support for this journey, I seek my own support because I understand my Journey. And I seek caring professionals that have been through this, and can help me understand myself, and understand addiction. Today I want to thank them, for all the time and effort that they have given to me, it has blessed my life and will continue to help me on the path to were I seek. I have less then a year to get the most out of this before I even start my professional training. This will be hard but I know I can make it through this.

I was given the obstacle of Dailies.... Something Creative, Exciting, and Relaxing everyday... Today I sit down and find out if my dailies work for that definition. I have set up that I will walk everyday at least 5,000 steps a day, using a FitBit... Well that counts as Relaxing and Exciting but that doesn't work everyday so I must come up with other things that are measurable. mmmm.....

Creative ideas
~Crochet
~Read
~Write in my journal

Exciting
   Now this is the tough one......
~Walking with Friends
~Learning something new
~Studying for the GRE
~Getting Points on MPoints
Ok it wasn't that tough but I wonder if these count... oh well they count for me.

Relaxing
~Yoga
~Walking
~ Bath
~Music

I think I can do that now... What was on my original dailies
~Walking 5,000 steps a day
~ Scripture reading
~Recovery Reading
~Emotional health (Blogging or PsychCentral)

Now that things are changing I need a new system that will work for me, one that is on the go..... Too Bad I can't design a program to track all these things but I don't know how.... Dang it!!!! So I have to update my tracking system.... so this is going to change.... I'm still going to get the exercise in and work on strengthening my hand, so that is the new footprint. For the monsters, its recovery reading. For the emotional face, its Emotional health, and I'll have two different stars... One for spiritual, the other for Stars definition of dailies. I just wish I could separate them out more but I've run out of small stickers and space on my calendar... so this will have to do.