Saturday, May 30, 2015
No longer worried
Everything will be okay. Everything will work out, I just need to turn to God, my higher power. Life isn't simple for me, it's quite complicated but, I can and will get through the weekend. I had a blessing and was told that this is just for a small moment, and I can do this, and not to worry about my job. That some key people in my life will be blessed in being able to help me with what I need. It's a great comfort to know that I'll be okay, and everything will work out. That I will be able to handle the things that have happened this week... and there's a lot. I just hope I can keep my anxiety level under control when I am with a certain person. Here's to the future!!
They can't fire me, can they???
That's the thought that keeps going through my head.... and I had to talk with my therapist about it, Luckily there are things in place to protect me, but they do have the right to know if I'm doing okay and ask questions. I guess I have to be okay with that. I don't want to tell my story but at the same time I need a little extra help these days. I hate asking for help.
I will have to go to the store today, and talk with a few good friends. and If needed call the crisis line to make sure that I can keep myself safe. I know I can but after this week, I'm being careful. I haven't gone over what happened to me yet... and today is the day, at least I have an anti-anxiety medication on board...
Don't think I'll do this alone anymore I need people. :)
I will have to go to the store today, and talk with a few good friends. and If needed call the crisis line to make sure that I can keep myself safe. I know I can but after this week, I'm being careful. I haven't gone over what happened to me yet... and today is the day, at least I have an anti-anxiety medication on board...
Don't think I'll do this alone anymore I need people. :)
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Reread. ... am I really worth the time
Finding my way back to you, is this my way of finding myself... through addiction??? Will I lose myself or will I gain myself back if I continue??
I reread my last post and I'm even more confused... Not just about the letter, but about a guy that seems really nice but will he abuse me, either physically, emotionally, or spiritually...... If he is reading this... I really need his thoughts.... and soon.
What do I do???
"For The First Time"
Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart
While i'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar
And we don't know how, how we got into this mad situation
Only doing things out of frustration
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
She needs me now but i can't seem to find the time
I got a new job now in the unemployment line
And we don't know how, how we got into this mess is it a god's test
Someone help us cause we're doing our best
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time ooh
She's in line at the dole with her head held high
While i just lost my job i didn't lose my pride
And we both know how, how we're going make it work when it hurts
When you pick yourself up you get kicked to the dirt
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Doing things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
Smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time ooh
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
Oh these times are hard
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby
She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart
While i'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar
And we don't know how, how we got into this mad situation
Only doing things out of frustration
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
She needs me now but i can't seem to find the time
I got a new job now in the unemployment line
And we don't know how, how we got into this mess is it a god's test
Someone help us cause we're doing our best
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
We're smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time ooh
She's in line at the dole with her head held high
While i just lost my job i didn't lose my pride
And we both know how, how we're going make it work when it hurts
When you pick yourself up you get kicked to the dirt
Trying to make it work but man these times are hard
But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine
Sit talking up all night
Doing things we haven't for a while, a while yeah
Smiling but we're close to tears
Even after all these years
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting
For the first time ooh
This song really spoke to me right now.... there is so much that is happening, that I just want to cry!! Do I give up on a guy or do I keep going and see where this leads?? For the first time I don't know what to do, and this is getting very complicated. What do I do??
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Reflection
I..... There's a lot of things going through my mind, and I wonder......
Am I ready for life after Depression and Addiction?
Am I ready to come back to the life that I should have had?
Am I ready to give up suicidal thoughts forever?
Am I ready??
Am I ready for LOVE?
Am I ready to tell my family?
There's a lot that I am thinking about tonight, and I kind of know that sleep may be impossible until I get this out. So I ask, Am I ready??
I gave a challenge to myself that I am going to fulfill tonight.... a Letter to myself about what to do when triggers come up, and I want to give into either depression, addiction, or love.
Dear self,
Over the last 10 years you have felt like dying, and wanting to give into addiction. That has to stop today, for there are many things left for you to do in this life. I know you are asking these questions, if you are ready to live a life that you would be proud of, and you are ready, so start today, start by saying yes to yourself, and to others. You have been promised many blessings, and in order to have those blessings, you have to be willing to do the things that you contracted to do, even before this life began. You promised that you would be a force for good, that you would be able to love another and have children. You may not be ready yet to tell your family and scared that you are to give up these thoughts, but you have too... for these reasons!!!
1) Temple marriage
2) it's not just about you anymore
3) Isolation from God and others
4) All of the self-doubt that you have experienced
5)Relationship with God and others.
Now these are not all your reasons, but these are the most important.
Some of the Consequences are these:
1) No temple marriage
2) Damage done both physically, spiritually, and emotionally
3) Relationships with God and others
4) Withdrawal from others and self
5) Mental impacts of relationships
6) Shame, Guilt, and Worries
7) Fear of people finding out
8) No temple admittance
9) Loss of self-respect
10) Loss of healthy sexual desire
11) Language of Mind and Spirit.
If I continue I could lose my life, family, friends, time, relationships, self-respect and temple marriage.Which is important to me!!
Gaining my life back will not be easy, but will be worth every moment, I'll gain:
1) Relationships
2) Temple Marriage
3) My eternal companion
4) Self-respect
5) Love of others and SELF
To love thyself, is to know thyself.
Just a few reminders to say you are enough!!!
There is no need to hurt yourself, if you truly love yourself. So start today with yourself, and find another reason to keep living, and keep loving yourself.
In order to Soar in life one must first love thyself, to do that it takes time to really know thyself and to accept oneself for who you are. Second, one must take time to know thyself, and to really care about who you are. You are what is important no one else matters until you love thyself enough to choose to live. So make that choice, today by not giving into triggers, by doing something for yourself. If your struggling here is a list of things that you can do to love yourself.
1) Become a kid again and COLOR!!!!
2) Play some music that is calming
3) Use your coping skills
4) Take time to read
5) Take time to know who you are by writing
6) Take time to enjoy your musical abilities
7) Take time to enjoy family
There that's one for each day of the week, keep adding to this list, there is always more ways that you can love yourself. Start by taking care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual health everyday, for this is who you truly are, YOURSELF. That's all you can be, yourself.
From
Yourself
There that didn't take long, and I can read this where ever I go, and read it every day until I believe it myself and start living the life that I am meant to have.
Am I ready for life after Depression and Addiction?
Am I ready to come back to the life that I should have had?
Am I ready to give up suicidal thoughts forever?
Am I ready??
Am I ready for LOVE?
Am I ready to tell my family?
There's a lot that I am thinking about tonight, and I kind of know that sleep may be impossible until I get this out. So I ask, Am I ready??
I gave a challenge to myself that I am going to fulfill tonight.... a Letter to myself about what to do when triggers come up, and I want to give into either depression, addiction, or love.
Dear self,
Over the last 10 years you have felt like dying, and wanting to give into addiction. That has to stop today, for there are many things left for you to do in this life. I know you are asking these questions, if you are ready to live a life that you would be proud of, and you are ready, so start today, start by saying yes to yourself, and to others. You have been promised many blessings, and in order to have those blessings, you have to be willing to do the things that you contracted to do, even before this life began. You promised that you would be a force for good, that you would be able to love another and have children. You may not be ready yet to tell your family and scared that you are to give up these thoughts, but you have too... for these reasons!!!
1) Temple marriage
2) it's not just about you anymore
3) Isolation from God and others
4) All of the self-doubt that you have experienced
5)Relationship with God and others.
Now these are not all your reasons, but these are the most important.
Some of the Consequences are these:
1) No temple marriage
2) Damage done both physically, spiritually, and emotionally
3) Relationships with God and others
4) Withdrawal from others and self
5) Mental impacts of relationships
6) Shame, Guilt, and Worries
7) Fear of people finding out
8) No temple admittance
9) Loss of self-respect
10) Loss of healthy sexual desire
11) Language of Mind and Spirit.
If I continue I could lose my life, family, friends, time, relationships, self-respect and temple marriage.Which is important to me!!
Gaining my life back will not be easy, but will be worth every moment, I'll gain:
1) Relationships
2) Temple Marriage
3) My eternal companion
4) Self-respect
5) Love of others and SELF
To love thyself, is to know thyself.
Just a few reminders to say you are enough!!!
There is no need to hurt yourself, if you truly love yourself. So start today with yourself, and find another reason to keep living, and keep loving yourself.
In order to Soar in life one must first love thyself, to do that it takes time to really know thyself and to accept oneself for who you are. Second, one must take time to know thyself, and to really care about who you are. You are what is important no one else matters until you love thyself enough to choose to live. So make that choice, today by not giving into triggers, by doing something for yourself. If your struggling here is a list of things that you can do to love yourself.
1) Become a kid again and COLOR!!!!
2) Play some music that is calming
3) Use your coping skills
4) Take time to read
5) Take time to know who you are by writing
6) Take time to enjoy your musical abilities
7) Take time to enjoy family
There that's one for each day of the week, keep adding to this list, there is always more ways that you can love yourself. Start by taking care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual health everyday, for this is who you truly are, YOURSELF. That's all you can be, yourself.
From
Yourself
There that didn't take long, and I can read this where ever I go, and read it every day until I believe it myself and start living the life that I am meant to have.
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