Today

Today is the day that I start living, and start moving more. I'm still having a hard time searching for a job partly due to family that is coming into town. I should have gone and picked up an application but I had to clean up a bit... but that should have not been an excuse. I am afraid to try this new type of job. I'm not sure if I can lift 50 pounds... oh wait, I can't, I have only gotten up to 3 pounds, with my weak hand... so maybe I can lift up to 8 pounds. How many jobs are there with lifting only 8 pounds. Then again, I wonder if I can keep the extinction curve going down without relapse.

I'm scared, but I can say that today I have read in a book, cleaned up a bit, and gone to the store, and working a dead end job. So today I have gotten things done. I hope to finish one book and start another. Partly because the book is due tomorrow at the library.

Fear of the Future

My first suicidal thought happened because I was afraid that I would not make it back to Illinois which I had just gotten back from a trip less than a week.I wasn't sure what I was feeling but I know that is what it was. The trip was wonderful, but I focused on the future and not knowing what would happen.

It's been 8 years. So far I have failed to make it back to Illinois, like I said that I would. I have only one degree, and have been kicked out due to anxiety. I have had many times of suicidal thinking. I only have one degree to show for all my time in college and have one year left and then I'll have two.

Right now I just want to run, looking at this just brings on a lot more fear, stress, anxiety. Today has not been easy, with dealing with getting home at 4 am. I just need to vent. this is not been an easy day. I still need to apply for a position but I'm scared that it's not going to work... again fear of the future. I just want to run, and escape. But I do have work tomorrow. bright and early. oh joy.

A lot on my mind

The past two weeks have been more intense in therapy but I know it will be worth the time. The last two days have been full of travel and work, and a lot of talk about other coworkers. I did a little bit of soul searching and found that I need a different job. There is so much talk about others that just makes me uncomfortable. Giving coworkers nicknames is ridiculous. It's no way to treat others, even if it's behind their backs.

Today I was able to put in one application and got some Resume' paper, and researched some places to try.

Then there's the conversation in therapy. I keep thinking about what purpose suicide has, besides escape of the current situation. I don't know that purpose, and it's driving me crazy.

I have another day that I could work but it means giving up the day after to recover from that work night. I am tempted to give it up, that way I can take care of me.

Then in regard to a different job I have to think about my hand and the very little weight that I can lift with it. and if the job has a lot of repetition then is my hand ready?! I've thought of fast food places but my hand isn't ready. What else can I do?

I've thought about fast food, but that doesn't seem to fit right. I've thought about a home aid or developmental disability worker/PSR. I just don't know. What else is there that's easy to get into. I just don't know.

"one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."