The big stack of books......

I have 4 self-help books.... I just don't know where to start.. except for one place.... sleep but I can't sleep right now, I'm wide awake. Then I start to think that I should write, but I don't know what about... Then I think I'll never get through them at this rate. Them just sitting there with me lacking in desire to look at them.... maybe I should go to the library and study there.... but one problem, then I wouldn't have internet. Oh what to do??

What next?

I want to die once again. ... this is not working.  Or I want to use! What am I supposed to do? Who can I turn to?

I just can't think about this anymore. Its making me think of death. All I know is I don't like this.

In case you just joined me, I am struggling with addiction, depression, BPD, and anxiety. ... and possibly changing counselors. .. I just don't know what ro do.

What do I want???

This question keeps popping into my mind.... honestly I don't know what I want. What I used to want was to compose a symphony but that seems very far away. First of all, I am LDS, I normally don't put that on this blog but it's important. I've been told so many things that keep coming to my mind. I am a daughter of God, I do not deny that but I wonder what I am supposed to do, and is it in line with what I am doing currently? The answer to that is simple, no. How I am living is not near where I wanted to be but my goals have changed due to addiction. Addiction has taught me a few things, but has led me to a path that I feel like I shouldn't be on. I know that I am off center, and I feel lost because of it. There was a recent decision by the supreme court in the United States, that has left some uneasy feelings. I hate even what it suggests about who I have become. It's bad enough that I hate myself and have wanted death. I feel like it's the ultimate punishment for what I have done, and I should inflict that upon myself. I know there is a lot of cognitive distortions in that statement, and yet I don't care. Satan has RUINED my life, and I hate him for that. But there is one person out there that understands how I feel and can help, but am I willing to let him change me to who I don't know if I want to be.

As I see it, I have two options. 1) Continue in addiction or 2) Lose the addiction. I almost feel like I have to go through both options to fully understand them. so here I go!

1) If I continue in addiction it could lead to unwanted pregnancies, STD's and who know what other damage I could do, or have already done. If I continue I will have to fess up and change my life in a direction that was never promised of me... I will in effect choose Satan.

2) If I lose the addiction I will find God. I can find something that is even more important to me, yet at the same time is it what I want?? Can't I have both lives....?? The answer is simple, NO.

One can not serve two masters and that is what I would be doing. It's not possible to have a double life... Either I will hate the one and love the other, or hold to the one and despise the other. But what do I want?? What will lead me to happiness?? For most this decision is simple, but for me, it hits home and I want to just die because of this. I can't focus on anything besides this, I'm in trouble and I don't want to put the effort into actually have a life that I know that my Father would be proud of.

I do know that he is not happy with the choices that I have made, and he wants me to change, but is this what I want???????

What I want is to be happy, not on medication, and be able to help as many people as I can. It seems simple but I don't know how to get there, will it be books that lead me to the answer, or is it something else that I have not considered? What is it that will lead me to happiness and ultimately to have a life with friends??

I know what I have been taught is correct, but I wonder if it's correct for me at this time, But maybe that's Satan influencing me yet again. Where do I even start?? That I don't know. There is so much to do yet I can't choose just one option and work on that, because I start to think what about that other option. Do I have an issue in starting things?? AH YES!!! How do I change this?? That I don't know. I'm fine after I start, then I can focus, with music on of course....

I think I need to start planning more.... So that I have a check list of things that I get done in a day with no excuses like "Oh I have work" I just need to get off my butt and start, no more waiting for things to change... because let's face it... they're not going to change over night.... Life is not meant to be easy, It's meant to be lived.

Late night

I'm not sure I want to sleep tonight... I just feel like crap. I was working very hard for 8 hours to hide how I was feeling. Honestly, I wanted to just escape into addiction. Things have been bad lately due to it being 10 years from the first suicidal episode. It's been 10 freaking years of all this crap and I'm just tired of it all!!! Yet I'm trying to work hard to change but it's not working. So how can I fix this?? That's the big question, one that I don't have an answer yet. But I think it comes down to actually trying to live, instead of wanting to die.... I just wish that I could be off medication for a little bit to see how I do... I'm curious what I am without them... maybe my doc and therapist will sign off on it if I change and just get stuff done. Without complaining to them.... I just wish that I was off medication, it's just not helping anymore... making it worse really.

Life?

What the heck am I doing with my life???? Am I really willing to just sit there and do nothing, or am I willing to fight for what I want? This life that I have right now is not worth living for... but how the heck do I change??