New Year's Eve

As 2011 comes to a close, nothing has really changed. The SUI and SI thoughts are at full strength. I wonder what could happen in the first week of 2012. I just don't know how long I can last like this. I need the money, I need to work, but I need to release some of this mental anguish. I don't know what coping strategies could work, don't know what to try, or what even I can do without telling people around me. I don't know what to do, I know what a few people would have me do, but the fact is I"m just too stubborn.

Hard Day, Hard Month

After a day of work, a nap, and thinking, It's just been a hard day. I have some LOUD music being played across the hall., and it's just annoying. I just don't know what else I can do. Anxiety level is high, and impacting how I sleep. The nap was good, but didn't help enough. I'll continue to use distractions in hopes that something will change.

To unload a work issue. One of my coworkers, decided to try and count candy... and made a huge deal about me taking the 2700 piece area, saying this isn't protocol... I had already started to count the area... needless to say, I could be quicker, and accurate on the area, and I wanted the accuracy to be there. I've heard of her counting, and didn't want her to count it. Well, she got upset, and then apologized for me getting upset... ? HUH??? This isn't the way it's suppose to be. The right people are suppose to count the correct things, to provide the client with accuracy. NO ONE should complain about an area being counted by another... this just doesn't make sense I would have been glad that someone had done it for me. But no she just had to COMPLAIN about it being not protocol, to me.... and who knows if my boss will find out, but I don't care, If she wants to complain about everything (and she does) then let her. I don't care... Okay now I feel a bit better, but still The simple fact that she apologized for me getting upset, just doesn't make sense. Oh wait, that's just want happens... grrr.

I still don't feel better at all, Still down, Still annoyed, Still wanting something I can't have. I just hate this right now, I just don't know what to do, besides trying to deal with the emotions, and all the thoughts, I'm not sure who could even help, since I'm to stubborn to ask for help, but I am concerned that something is going to happen, and the simple fact of it happening would be one of the only things that would bring this up to the attention of those around me. No one knows, or those that do know, aren't talking... either way, this is my outlet.

Besides all that, for any who are reading, I do have to write one thing, If you are in the position like me, get yourself help, don't be like I am..... Stubborn to ask for help.

Time is coming....

3 weeks have past, and not much has changed. I'm not sure what will happen, but all I know is that I will go to work in the morning, and that I will sleep tonight, and I hope things improve, or change for the better.... Time will tell.

Joy, what's that?

I've started to notice a few things... like not really having any joy, or being really irritable. I know the depression is getting worse, it's been that way now for 3 weeks, and getting worse means that every symptom is getting worse. I've been trying to curve this, but it hasn't been working. I've been close to talking about how bad it is, but it hasn't happened... I haven't even started DBT yet, due to the fact of being dragged to more stores than I wanted too. I just don't know what more I can do.... or what could help... I'm not sure of what things are left to try, except for not so healthy methods. I'll try a few things... I just hope something works, or I'll be able to talk to someone.

Christmas Day

Last night trying to get to sleep took about 2 hours... for me that's not normal at all. and then I slept in to almost to late today to get to my Christmas Program for my ward, and another ward family. It's been a somewhat normal day... except one little thing... because of all of the emotional stuff that I have kept in my head, my head hurts from the emotional pain. Normally when this happens, SI is the best way to calm it. But I don't have that option right now. The next four days I'm going to have to focus on me, and somehow getting past all this stuff that is happening and has happened for the last like 3 weeks. It hasn't been a real great December. All I want is to just have the past stay behind me, with no flashbacks of times past, and with not suicidal plans. I'm tired of this and I don't know what I can do to just.... "snap out of it" as some would say.

This is the season to be happy right?? Then this season is just not for me. I'm not happy, I'm not enjoying things, I put on a fake front every day. and have gotten good at the fake front. It's hard to keep it up, but it works to hid it from people.... I just hope I can make it to the Gym tomorrow, and finish my puzzle today... I'm so close...I guess there is some joy with doing a puzzle, but that's the only thing I have found that gives me joy.

I decided to pull from PsychCentral.com this list of Depression Symptoms... just to find out how bad it really is.... Anxious/empty mood, worthlessness, loss of interest, difficulty remembering and making decisions, Oversleeping, decrease in appetite (exercise helps with this), thoughts of Suicide... duh.... So that's 7 out of 11... Not so great. I know things are bad, and nothing seems to help... I have got to try and not oversleep, and actually try my instruments again...

I know my mental condition is bad, and I haven't had time to really focus on getting some actual help... I'm not sure I really want to... Last hospitalization my roommates had to convince me to go. It would take a lot to convince me again.... If it would even work... I'll start doing DBT tomorrow, and exercise... that will help... not to  mention to work off some of the weight gained during the holidays.

Christmas.. just barely.

It's almost 1am and I should be sleeping, but my mind is going a million miles an hour, and that just doesn't work to try and sleep. I was fine for most of Christmas eve, up until the last 4 hours. I keep replaying parts of 2008 hospitalization and the one the first of this year. Mixing them together. It's put me on edge. I don't know how much longer of this and the sui and si thoughts I can take. There's lots of snow and ice around town ( more on the streets that don't get traveled on) and I part of the time I think about just sliding, forcing my car to slide... It's almost a conditioned response. I'm scared to drive some times. I'm trying to force myself to overcome them on my own, but I don't know how much longer I can hold on. SI is the only way out. I"ll try and play one of my instruments tomorrow, and hope that that helps. I'm going to try Dialectical Behavior Therapy (from here on out called DBT), I'm hoping it will help. I am going to try and start tomorrow, when I get a few minutes to myself. I have to do something to try and help, and I just don't know anyone that does DBT in my area. I wish I did. But that may not help in enough time.... Time will only tell what happens in the next week.

In the past 2 days, I have tried to make my life how it would be in the hospital, to try and see if that would help. I just hope that I can keep all of this in my mind and not in the real world. I just don't want to many people to know/be concerned about me. I just can't take those two things. Enough people know, and that's all I want to know. Which I know isn't smart at all. and I hate keeping things from my family, but I feel like I have too. No matter how hard things get, I've always found a way through it. But this time, since the thoughts have been for more than 2 weeks. That's what makes me scared.... Petrified really. Since I'm not telling even my treatment team of what is really going on.... Which is not smart...



Just to clarify.......
For anyone who is attempting, thinking or planing, of suicide. It is not the answer, You know who you are and how strong you are. If you need hospitalization then get yourself help. I'm one to say this, and yet I'm not doing it myself, but I know that I'm not quite to that part of needing that extra help. You know yourself better than anyone, but, if you need to, go and get help.

I know the past few weeks have not been easy, but I have gotten through them. Yes I have had several times, where hospitalization would have helped, but I felt needed, and had to fulfill obligations and I choose to be there for my family. Now I just hope they will be there for me, even around Christmas, which could make it hard for years to come... but I have to do what's best for me... I'll keep posting as I need to, just to get things where I can physically see them.

Time... distractions

I've been trying different distractions... but I'm still having  a hard time. I don't want to tell anyone, because it's just to painful for me. I've been remembering things I wish I could just let go, since the memories make things worse. I was doing a puzzle for a few hours today, but it's not a big enough distraction... I just hope I can find something that will work... I just am running out of distractions to try.

Half Hour

I've looked at this screen for a half hour, and I still don't even know where to begin. I'm scared, really scared. I was on my way home today, from the gym, and almost crashed into the hill and a sign post. I don't know what I can do. I have to be to work tomorrow, but after that, I don't have anything for a week that I have to be too. No obligations, except being around family on Christmas, but what if I can't enjoy being around them, and no one in my family knows what really is going on. Three years ago, I was in a mental hospital from the 21-24, and my mind keeps reverting back to that hospitalization and the one I had 11 months ago, about this time of month. Flashes of memories, and what it could be like for a third admission. And I'm very scared that keeping myself from there, could lead to something else, that would instantly keep me away from my obligations. Surely another could be there for my sister, but then she would be worrying about me. I really don't know what to do. I'm scared of what might happen, because it was very close to happening today. I have felt like this before, I can get through this again, but at what cost. I'm really scared, of the future, and what it might bring, that even that fact is tearing me apart. I keep faking and telling people that I'm fine, but the honest truth is, I'm a long ways from fine.

After House....

I have a nickname for my psych doc... Dr. House. Not a complement at all. I brought up the results from the Psych Eval, and he ignored it, until he talks with the other Dr. over the Eval.... he was more focused on me not knowing where the suicidal thinking is coming from. I've been trying to find that one out for several years now. The thoughts just seem to happen.... and where or what they stem from... I have no clue. Yes that makes it even harder to treat, and I know it. I've known it for years, and it frustrates me even more. Especially when I get lectured in House's office.

I was afraid of his response of the Hospital may be the best place, but luckily that didn't happen. But I think he wanted too, but in conversations past I have made it a point that I won't go back there, unless a series of events happens. Even if it would be helpful, I still can't go around Christmas again.

So, besides all of that, I'll admit it now, I was having the suicidal thinking in House's office. I didn't tell him, it was bad enough to disclose the methods I was thinking off. He also asked if I was able to enjoy things... the truth is, I haven't really for a few weeks. I enjoyed playing music, I'll have to try that again, to see if I can enjoy it. Enjoyment, hopelessness, and the suicidal thinking are my biggest challenges. And once again, I'm alone in this battle..... I'm doing this all on my own... and it sucks. I do have a support network online, but having a friend to talk to at anytime of day would be nice.

The Words, I don't want to hear

There is a series of words that I don't want to hear, but I'm afraid I will hear them tomorrow. I'm scared that I will hear them. I got my results back from my finals, and one I was not even expecting. I was doing well in Physics, and now I looked at my grade, and it was half what I had all semester. I emailed my instructor to find out if that is the correct grade, or if it had been entered in wrong. I'll find out soon, I hope....

Besides that, I think my mental state interfered with my finals, and I could have done better, had my mind been in the right state. I see the facts, I know what's wrong, but I just can't have another Hospital admission around Christmas. (I had one back in 2008 from the 21-24) I just can't be away from family this time of year. I know I need help, I'm scared, and I just don't want to hear the words, of yet another hospital admission. The simple fact is, my thoughts are not safe anymore. I'm doing my best to keep safe, but doing so requires the use of SI to just get through the day.

It's the 18th, I really want to be able to be at home for this week, but I also know that safety is a concern for those who know about the thoughts. It's a concern for me, and a burden. Life is hard when you have thoughts of suicide, very hard. Between staying safe, and attempting to fool everyone around me, it's a full time job to just stay safe, and somewhat mentally stable. And somewhat mentally stable is not really happening. I'm doing all that I can, and it's never really enough. But this time of year, I have to make it enough.... somehow. I just don't want to hear those words.

AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

The scream is just not enough. Exercise is not enough. What is enough?? I got a few things done, but I feel like I should be doing something completely different. I'm trying not to think of certain things, but honestly it's not working. I really don't know what to do, exactly. I should call someone, but I don't want to hear a certain phrase. I guess it's back to faking everything, and telling no one, irl.

Yikes

Where do I even start. What do I even write. What can I really say. The last two days have been hard. I don't even know where to begin. I'm scared, I don't want to even write anymore. I'm scared. I don't want to hear a certain phrase. I'll do anything to not hear it, but it doesn't help, at all. What can I do, who could I turn to, who won't say those words, and just help me.

Diagnosis.... is it right?

So what does this mean?

So I just took this ADHD little test, and this is what it gave me....

And so this makes me wonder, what if this has gone undiagnosed because the depression was the symptoms. and What if something else is really going on, that could help me more? 

Questions, Questions.... I just wish I had an answer... but since I don't, I"ll just leave this thinking here. And pick it back up after finals. 

Okay, I'm not ready to leave this just quite yet. 

The real question is do I want my life to change, for the better. I've been avoiding this for several months, and now, I still want to avoid it, but it's not healthy. And I do want to get of the meds, or do I?  There are things I need to figure out, but right now is not the time to even think about this..... oh wait, I'm obsessing again. There is something more that meets the eye, and I"m not pinpointing it just quite yet. I know something has been wrong, I didn't know what to call it at first, so I called it from an example, then I obsessed about it. 

What is the answer? Is this really depression, or is this a picture of my imagination that started this, and then I obsessed about it for years. 

I found a website... http://helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_adult_symptoms.htm
I'll have to look at this more later, and type more in... tomorrow after finals.

ADHD is likely, but could it be the right diagnosis, and the depression and anxiety issues are just symptoms of the ADHD? Could be, but I'll have to leave this here. For now. And come back to the website tomorrow...

AGGG.....

I have a lot to study, and now I really don't want to do it. I have two of my hard tests on one day, back to back. I need some sort of release. I'm also trying to watch "The Confession" (House M.D.) and it's driving me nuts. I think I'm going to enjoy that 1.5 hours at the gym later to watch a movie. It at least will be something. and I'll just have to take along the review sheets, and tests for my tests. I have way to much to do. and no desire to do them. But I have to. Something is about to blow up in my face yet again..... Life is already hard, and then you add in two mental disorders and a learning disability. I just don't know what else to do, to get relief from all that is going on in my head.

.......................Finals

I should be studying, but I can't. Focus is very hard right now. I'm trying to just hide myself in the library, but I can't hide from my thoughts. Last night I was able to totally zone out for 2 hours. It felt good to just hide everything from me. I didn't think, and then I had to leave, and the thoughts returned. Much like they are now. A few people around me (irl) know what's going on, but only just a little bit, the amount that I was comfortable with. I am trying to focus, I'm trying to keep my head and to study. That shouldn't be hard, right? WRONG. Keeping my mind focused right now is the worse thing I can try to do, yet I have to. I just have 3 days of studying and taking the finals, but it seems like forever.

I will still keep on exercising daily, since it helps to at least get my mind of things for a bit, and do something for me.
I will keep on trying to study, and if that doesn't happen then I'll try and get things from my head on to the screen or paper.

Other than that, I'm not sure what more I can do. I know what would help, but I'm trying to stay clear of it, but its very hard to do. I'm not sure how much longer I can take of this. I have to do something, at least for the next few days. I have to stay clear of one plan, which is very, very hard. Especially when no one knows about it. (and I mean no one) I know where I should be, but it's a place I can not go to, I have obligations to be here for. Sad, right?

Exercise Complete

I've attempted this post three different times, and I just can't get the words the right way, the way I want them. I have to complete an essay, and try and clear my mind. (If that's possible) I just hope I can keep it from those around me. Only two people know, that are close and then any of you that reads this. But the thing to keep in mind is I don't want to many to know, so I'll hide it. That's something that  I have gotten really good at. I can do this. I know it.

Now to get to studying and that paper I have to write.

Safety vrs Obligations

I have obligations that I have to be around for, but for my own safety, I really should be else where. I really don't know what to do. I have to be there for my family, to finish the semester, and to work. I know I can help others with feelings like what I have, but right now, things are hard. I'm not sure what I want to do. Since what I want I can't have. I have finals to study for, but at the same time, I really should be helping myself. But the hard thing is trying to balance everything. I know what I should do, but at the same time I have to do my obligations. I have things to do. Which is more important?

I know I had a break down last night, I need to talk to someone about the plans, how I"m feeling, and if there's anything else I can do before "turning myself in" so to speak. What more can I do if exercise doesn't work all the way, or talking about it, what then? I know what the professionals would say, safety is more important, but there has to be something else I can do. Isn't there?

For now, I will try to put this all behind me, at least for tonight, and maybe I'll try to do something I once loved, to see if it helps, and I'll exercise tomorrow.

Game plan:
Study, complete assignments
exercise
practice clarinet
attempt to get past all this.

Psych Evaluation done

In order to receive some help I had to have a Psych Evaluation done, and I found out somethings that is interesting. I have a Reading Disorder, but when under a stimulant medicaition for ADHD, the reading disorder goes away. If I took this med when I have to read a lot, I wonder if it would help me to gain more out of my classes.

On another note, my head is in a fog today. It's at least not suggesting sui planning. Which is good, but it's very hard to deal with. It makes me tired, and my head hurts a lot. I'm scared for next week. I'm afraid of the voices returning and suggesting sui. I'm so scared right now. I need to be writing a paper but I'm not getting anything done on it, at all. I still have lunch time to write it, but I'm not sure if I'll have my head back or not. It's very hard to even think right now. I hate this, I really do. SI seems like the only way out, but it's not the best way, that's for sure. There has to be another way to get my mind back. But what is that way???

Scared

I'm scared of a friend coming over, giving in to temptation, saying away from things.

I don't know the point of this but,


More later

One paper down....

I still have a few things to do, but at this time, my mind is not with me. It's on to a different subject, one subject that distracts me more than anything. I need to do something to not let that subject win. Therefore, I am attempting to expel part of the feelings out by writing, the honest truth is it's not working. I want it even more than ever, since I have the perfect plan, that could not be ruined by others. I have opportunity, and that scares the pants off me. I know what I need, and that need is a friend to be there so I'm not alone, at least physically. Yikes, will these thoughts end?????

Few minutes later
Still wanted it, and I'm scared that it will happen. There's only one way to keep from it, which would be not to be near the things that would be used. I have to be strong, it's the only way.

One Lab Later
It's still on my mind, I have gotten a little more done on the things that are keeping me here, instead of being in a place where I'm constantly watched. I know what could come, and I really don't want that. I just want a friend to be there for me. I don't want to be alone tonight after tutoring. I don't want to go home. Where the temptations are all around me.
      For now I will listen to music, work on my lab,a nd then workout before going to work. After that, then I'll eat, If things are not improving and getting worse then I'll call a friend and that way I won't be alone. I just hope this works.....

TOO much to do

Assignments to do:
Final Project on Improving Safety Plans for those who are Suicidal
Final Project on a Statistics problem (of my choice)
Lab 4 for Statistics
Homework 12 for Physics
Owl homework that is optional, and extra credit to prep for final exam
Stats homework due Monday
Owl homework Required Due Friday at 9am

I sure hope that's it. I do have a final today but I don't have to do well on it, so I really don't care to study for it. What I get wont change my grade at all. The hardest part is feeling like you need to harm yourself because of fear. I'm constantly afraid of another anxiety attack (one did happen after 10 months... grr) and my head is not liking me. I have so much to do, and no real will to do it. This just sucks. If I make it through this, I'll be kind of happy. Why Kind of... just because then I'll have 3 weeks to do nothing, and maybe job hunt (again). And the real question is will I get much done? Got to do Owl homework.