Last night trying to get to sleep took about 2 hours... for me that's not normal at all. and then I slept in to almost to late today to get to my Christmas Program for my ward, and another ward family. It's been a somewhat normal day... except one little thing... because of all of the emotional stuff that I have kept in my head, my head hurts from the emotional pain. Normally when this happens, SI is the best way to calm it. But I don't have that option right now. The next four days I'm going to have to focus on me, and somehow getting past all this stuff that is happening and has happened for the last like 3 weeks. It hasn't been a real great December. All I want is to just have the past stay behind me, with no flashbacks of times past, and with not suicidal plans. I'm tired of this and I don't know what I can do to just.... "snap out of it" as some would say.
This is the season to be happy right?? Then this season is just not for me. I'm not happy, I'm not enjoying things, I put on a fake front every day. and have gotten good at the fake front. It's hard to keep it up, but it works to hid it from people.... I just hope I can make it to the Gym tomorrow, and finish my puzzle today... I'm so close...I guess there is some joy with doing a puzzle, but that's the only thing I have found that gives me joy.
I decided to pull from PsychCentral.com this list of Depression Symptoms... just to find out how bad it really is.... Anxious/empty mood, worthlessness, loss of interest, difficulty remembering and making decisions, Oversleeping, decrease in appetite (exercise helps with this), thoughts of Suicide... duh.... So that's 7 out of 11... Not so great. I know things are bad, and nothing seems to help... I have got to try and not oversleep, and actually try my instruments again...
I know my mental condition is bad, and I haven't had time to really focus on getting some actual help... I'm not sure I really want to... Last hospitalization my roommates had to convince me to go. It would take a lot to convince me again.... If it would even work... I'll start doing DBT tomorrow, and exercise... that will help... not to mention to work off some of the weight gained during the holidays.
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