long day

I made it to week 5!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes I'm excited. even with today. a friend of mine was having a rough day, through my experience I knew what he needed. yes it was hard, and I am wondering if I'll stay strong, but at least I know I can handle whatever comes.  I'm stronger knowing I can do so much more than "my best" I expect that will help me to really choose to live a full life.

I expect greatness from myself,  and I know I am not as broken as some around me think I am.

Medication

Found out it was a medication interaction that was causing all of the depression symptoms that have increased as of this week. Right now, I'm not stable, I don't want to do anything, and just want this all to disappear... or sleep.

Study time..... or just not losing myself.

I see a lot of dark things in my head, and they just don't go away, I've tried medication that I was prescribed, Aromatherapy, and sleep... after all that, they are still there. I hate this it makes it harder to study, and I can't be alone, I have to be in a public place. Inside I'm trying to find a way to live... but it's hard when it's medication caused. All I know is my study sessions are affected, and my practice times. Please bring me sweet relieve. :)

Band... a distraction

When my director let 1/2 the group go early, I didn't want to leave, because I left all of the dangerous thoughts outside, and just played. Now I'm in a practice room looking up resources... I found one.
http://suicide.com/(this is also on the Suicide page)

Today has  not been good, I got summoned for Jury Duty, and I'm a full time student and that was not a good enough reason to be dismissed... I can't miss class, I'm in all music classes. With that in the future, I just don't want to do it, I know I would get dismissed early but I don't want to spend the time to do that.

With that terrible news, and the fact that I'm getting behind on all of my classes, and there is just not enough time for everything. It's led to suicidal thoughts, and planning.. I just need to keep distracted, but it's sooo hard. Even though I need to be practicing, I'm not... I really don't even want to practice, Just go home.... and cause pain.... or just lock myself in my room. I just can't go into the hospital right now, since things are really bad. The stress of being a music major, and then the lights turning off. I just want to do nothing... but maybe grabbing a pizza and breadsticks may just help, and then I can come back and practice... maybe. Or I could just go work out...

Choices, Choices.......I don't even know what practice time, if it would be worth it... Sorry my thoughts are a little jumbled right now. I don't know what I will do right now. Can I just scream?!

2 weeks

I'm not sure how much of this I can take. I'm not me, I keep remembering past events. I know people say it's in the past but I just don't believe them. The discrimination that happened because of a medication and those around me, just makes it harder to deal with.... none of that past life was my control. I hate this, there's no one to really talk too, and trying to apply myself into music just isn't happening. I can't take this anymore. I just wish there was a way to know that I am not going to be treated like I was in the past, but I just feel like it'll happen again. It was two weeks into the semester that it happened the last time.... then I just watched someone who overdosed on sleeping pills, and was found.... Like I said, that I will be found... either that I have depression, or just found... a little too late. Either way, neither sounds good... I just have to keep on hiding, and try and get things done, and that's just not happening. I need help, I need someone to talk too, that won't do something I wouldn't want.... when will I find that though? When will I have to stop hiding from those around me... why I am I so fearful? Why do I have to deal with this?

Shame

I talked with my therapist about shame today, and the recent events of the last week. Honestly, shame is hard to talk about, and it happens to ALL of us. For me, it started with "Do your best" which essentially meant, do the bare minimum, and just be ordinary. Doing the work and trying to dare greatly is extremely hard. I have a lot of studying and practicing of instruments, and I'm stuck in the same spiral that has kept me to doing just the bare minimum... This is not the way to live, and not the way to try and change either.

Over the past 2 years I have gained 50 pounds!!!!!! I'm not obese yet, but I still could be. What do I do.... nothing. Trying to change is hard, and trying to lose all of the shame thinking is going to be hard. This shame thinking of just doing the bare minimum isn't helping, and there's just so much of it.

There needs to be a transformation (sorry but I am watching "Extreme Weigh loss Edition") of thought, and to lose some weight. I know what I need to do, and that is to exercise, and start WORKING on all the Shame thoughts.

Right now, all of this feels overwhelming. But I know that I need to refocus on me, and my school work. I also know that my health needs improvement, and it will help with depression as I found out... exercise increases good things and can change how I am feeling. This is going to be hard, but I need to do this, because to work hard is to be extraordinary.